Closed A Heart to Heart

[Alice Holland]

The weather was getting colder, which Alice didn't mind. She liked the crisp autumn air, the excuse to wear cute sweaters and drink a lot of tea. She had the day off today, which was a rare, but fun occasion. Her work at the ministry took a lot of energy but she really enjoyed it. Alice liked feeling useful like she was actually making a difference. At her current job, she had that feeling every day. It was too bad Elliot didn't have the day off as well, but Alice was happy she could spend some time with Lily. The younger woman was someone Alice still wanted to get to know better. Living together certainly made that easy, but they still mostly knew each other through Elliot. Lately, Alice had noticed Lily seemed a bit down. Today, she decided she was going to see if she could help her in any way. It would be nice to make a difference at home too. She found Lily in the kitchen, which Alice sort of thought of as her domain. She smiled at her and held up her hand in greeting. "Hi Lily, good morning." She said. "What are you up to?"

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily had been feeling dejected all week. Any hopes she had of salvaging her romantic relationship with Clifton had been utterly dashed. Her bid to buy Honeydukes had fallen through. She was feeling down, and thought maybe baking might help. It didn't, really, it just reminded her of Clifton, and her eyes watered again. She sighed, straightening with a pan of fresh chocolate chip cookies in her hands. She set it on the stove and wiped at her eyes. Why was she being so silly?

She jumped a little at the sound of another voice, and looked back to see Alice. Oh, that was right. Alice was off today. "Hello," Lily greeted shyly, giving Alice what she hoped was a convincing smile. "I just finished this batch of cookies," she gestured with her oven mitt. "Are you enjoying your day off?" She asked.

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice looked at Lily in concern but greeted her back. "Oh, that's what smelled so good." She said with a smile. "Can I help you clean up?" She asked. "I feel bad for always just eating your treats without doing anything in return." She pushed up her sleeves and started to pick up things in the kitchen, glancing at Lily. "Yeah, it's alright so far." She told the younger woman. Then she paused. "Hey... Are you okay?" She asked more quietly.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily blushed as Alice complimented her and offered to help clean. "Oh, t-thank you, you don't need to-" She stammered shyly. She hesitated, brushing her hair behind her ear and leaning against the counter. "What? I- of course, I'm-" Lily tried to lie, but as always, her voice faltered. Lily sighed, wrapping her arms loosely around herself. "I'll be fine. But thank you for asking," She offered instead, looking away and hoping she didn't look as dejected as she felt.

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice cleaned up the kitchen efficiently. Even if she was no good at baking, she always knew how to tidy things and make them organized again. She looked up at Lily, raising her eyebrow a bit. "Saying you will be fine implies you're not fine now." She said lightly. "I'm here if you want to talk." She said with a shrug. She didn't want to push, in case Lily didn't want to talk, but she wanted to give her the option.

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily hesitated, moving to get out a new batch of ingredients. She considered what to do as she started making another batch of cookies. "I... I'm not sure it will really help." She offered quietly. She didn't know if she should bother Alice with what was on her mind. "How is your work going?" She asked, wanting to still appear friendly.

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice paused when Lily said she wasn't sure talking would help. She felt like she was being pushy and Lily was telling her, in her kind Lily way, to back off. "If you're sure." She said hesitantly. "I'm here though, I'm a pretty good listener." She told her with a shrug. "My work is alright, it's pretty fun. We had multiplying teacups last week, they filled up the office."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily hesitated as Alice told her she could talk, considering it. She straightened her oven mitts again, even though they were already folded neatly on the counter. She sighed softly, only half hearing Alice's response to her question about work. She stared at the familiar pattern of her flowered mitts, tracing the flowers with her fingers. "It's just..." she started slowly, biting her lip. She let out a sigh. "Things... aren't going well with Clifton," She spoke gently. "We aren't... we won't..." She shook her head, her eyes watering. "I also... put in a bid for Honeydukes when it went up for sale. I didn't get it." Lily reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. "I'm just... failing at everything. As always." She admitted gently, feeling a sharp stab of self-loathing.

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice grabbed a cloth and started wiping down the counter, figuring it was easier to talk when they were both at least pretending to be busy doing something else. It might make it all feel a bit less intense. She listened as Lily explained, frowning slightly. "Lily, neither of those things mean you fail at anything." She told her eventually. "Thinking like that isn't going to do you any good. It sucks, yes. But it's not your fault." Alice shrugged. "Crappy things happen sometimes, that's not failing."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily listened to Alice. She appreciated the sentiment, but it didn't do much to help her feel better. "Maybe not on their own." She shook her head. "It's... hard sometimes. Trying not to be jealous. You were a prefect. The head girl. You work in an important ministry position. Everyone loves you. You're... perfect." Lily sighed, leaning on the counter and staring out the window. "Like Elliot. And Lars. They were prefects. Quidditch captains. Elliot was head boy, in charge of a club. He has an amazing career at Ollivanders. A bright future. Lars... he's the most talented artist. He lives with the love of his life. Blake made such an amazing change, turned into this wonderful man with a promising career."

Lily felt her eyes watering and she looked down to stare at her hands. "All of you... you're all so.... wonderful." She smiled gently. "I've just... always been on the outside. I was too nervous around the professors. My grades were abysmal. I've never accomplished anything. I just... trail after everyone giving out muffins and mittens, pretending I might matter." Lily reached up to swipe at her eyes. "I'm just not... good." She managed quietly. "

No matter how hard I try, Blake just won't let me in. Without him, Lars will pull away. Slowly at first. But eventually, his life with move on without me. And I can't just live with the two of you forever. It won't be long before the two of you have moved on, as well. I'll just be... alone, probably. I've failed every relationship I've ever been in. I just can't get my feet off the ground." Lily shut her eyes, feeling hopeless. Helpless. Why couldn't she just do better? Be better?

 

[Alice Holland]

Finally, Lily spoke about what was really bothering her. Alice kept her hand busy as she listened, but frowned deeply at the way Lily was talking. She looked at the younger girl, wondering if all of this was going on in her head at all times. No wonder she seemed so miserable. "Lily, we've both graduated a while ago now. There's no use comparing old school accomplishments." She told her softly. "In fact, constantly comparing yourself to other people isn't going to do you any good. You're awesome, even if you're not a talented artist and didn't run a club in school three years ago." Alice straightened. "You have to stop wallowing in these thoughts, it's just going to let you spiral. You're nineteen, of course you haven't found the love of your life yet. You have maybe a hundred years of life left to discover yourself, find things you like and are good at, and find important people in your life." Alice frowned. "Relationships going bad isn't you failing them. That's not how it works." She told her firmly. "And being in a relationship isn't a goal you have to check off on a list for you to be successful or... happy. You know that, right?" Alice glanced around. "I love Elliot, I do. But I think I could be just as happy and content with my life if I hadn't met him and were single. it would just be different."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily let out a slow breath, turning more towards Alice. "I know. I know all of that. I try to remind myself of that," She sighed, folding her arms over her torso. "It just feels like every time I start to build myself up, something else knocks me right back down. I struggled with people. Elliot helped me to adjust. But then I struggled with classes. I realized I was good at magic, but nervous in the classroom environment. School just continued like that. Every step forward I was knocked two steps back."

Lily folded her arms over her torso. "I thought I was doing okay. Doing better. I've been trying so hard..." She brushed her hair back, staring at a spot on the floor. "But things just... broke down with Clifton. I didn't realize I'd been hoping things would be better, that we would repair things and be together again.... until we said we wouldn't." Her tears spilled over. "I just... wanted him to love me. Why couldn't he love me?" She asked, her voice breaking. She buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she struggled to make herself stop crying. But Clifton had broken her heart. Again. And she just felt so small.

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice listened to Lily and sighed softly. She knew that she couldn't turn her thinking around, not when she was this deep into feeling bad about herself. She put an arm around her and gently patted her arm. "Someone loving you isn't a goal, Lily." She said gently. "Do you love him? Then I understand your sadness. But time will heal everything, hard as it sounds to believe. Then you'll find someone you love who loves you back." She said softly. "But more importantly, it's important you learn to love yourself even without a boyfriend."

 

[Lillian Lockwood]

Lily leaned into Alice, hiccupping gently. "I do- I think I do," She sighed softly and sniffled. "I'm trying, I really am..." Lily straightened, wiping her sleeve over her eyes. "I like myself, I think. I like my baking. My clothes are cute. I like to knit, and I miss curling up by the fire at school." She sniffled, wrapping her arms tightly around herself and tried to give Alice a shaky smile.