Without Trust

[Sara Moon]

It had been a lovely evening. Sara had been somewhat nervous when Mason suggested he meet her family, but six months in, it felt like the next logical step. He'd whisked her away to Greece for a meal with his parents and brothers, which had been somewhat intimidating, but she felt she'd held her own well. In the end, she'd elected to dispense with pretense, and instead allow them to become acquainted with the real Sara. Of course, she did make an extra effort to be polite, to charm them a bit, but she'd felt they wouldn't appreciate it if she acted the part of a pretty dolt. Her nerves were calmed when, as she and Mason were leaving, Mrs. Talarico said to Mason "I like this one. She's nothing like any of the other girls you've dated." Sara grinned, her brown eyes twinkling with delight. The next step would be introducing Mason to her parents, which she could only hope would go as well. The night, however, turned sour with one simple sentence. "Or like his wife. Don't forget about her!" One of Mason's brothers joked. Wife? She could feel her jaw clenching as she realised there was something very amiss. A wife? Mason had never mentioned a wife? Six months into a relationship, six months and he hadn't mentioned a wife. What else was he not mentioning? Not wanting to worry Mason's mother, who seemed a lovely woman, or his father who'd been decidedly less inquisitive, but charming nonetheless, she laughed it off, shooting Mason a quick glance that ensured he knew she'd heard the cavalier comment. As she and her beau turned on the spot to return to Obsidian Harbour, she pulled her hand out of his as soon as she saw her front door appear before her. The house was charmed so that one couldn't apparate into it, and for a bizarre moment, she thought that they should've used the floo network. Casting this aside, she returned to the matter at hand. "Wife?" Was the first word out of her enraged lips, as the smile turned to a thin, angry line. Sara Moon had a fearsome temper, and it had been some time since it had been tried.

So much for an open, honest relationship. "What was he talking about Mason? Y'see, I don't remember you ever mentioning a wife." she growled, standing deceptively still. There wasn't a right answer to this question. She wasn't entirely sure what had been meant by the comment, but unless it was a childhood joke, she couldn't see him coming up with a good excuse. On a roll now, she continued in a low hiss. "Y'know what I find absolutely hilarious though?" She was becoming more animated now, her left hand clenched in a fist, and exaggerated movements punctuating her words. "I've been patting myself on the back over our open, truthful relationship, and clearly karma has seen fit to kick me in the @ss, because clearly that was total rubbish!" What made it worse, was that she'd made such an effort to be open with him, to tell him about the things she was ashamed of, to talk about her family. She'd worked so hard at trusting him, and it felt as though it were being thrown back in her face. She pulled her hand bag from around her shoulder, struggling to wrestle her keys from its confines as tears began to form in her eyes. Whirling around, she finally managed to pull out the keys and fling open the door. Whatever talking, or shouting, needed to be done, it should be done indoors where prying eyes wouldn't see.

 

[Mason Talarico]

The night had been good, great even. Mason could tell that his parents had liked Sara. His mother had already offered to share a recipe with her after discovering her interest in cooking, and his father had actually engaged her in conversation during dinner, something he wouldn’t have bothered doing if he had no interest. Hearing the confirmation at the end of the night had left Mason with a sense of regret that he’d waited this long to introduce Sara. He enveloped his mother in a tight hug, freezing when he heard his brother, Gino. Immediately, his eyes moved towards Sara, catching the expression that was not in her face but in her eyes. Mason knew he was in deep trouble. He finished his farewells, his brother muttering a quick apology, a sickened feeling growing in the pit of his stomach. The man hadn’t exactly been forthcoming about his previous relationships, mostly just telling Sara that he’d had some with few details about their lengths, and he’d certainly never mentioned having been married before to Sara. Now, he realized that had been a huge mistake, one he surely should have foreseen.

As they apparated to Sara’s neighborhood, Mason wasn’t surprised when she pulled her hand from his grip and turned to face him, the smile that she’d reserved for his family gone. In that moment, it was easy to forget that he towered over the woman who was barely over five feet tall. The look on his face and his guilt combined to make him feel like the smaller person. Mason gave an uneasy glance around, glad to discover no one around and listening to the conversation. “Ex” he managed to get out, his tone apprehensive before she was hissing at him again, making him inwardly cringe. Up to this point, they’d managed to avoid any real arguments.

As she finished off, speaking about their relationship, Mason remained standing silent. As she turned from him, he rubbed a hand down his face, stepping forward to put a hand on the door before she could slam it in his face. "Saraaaa" he drew out her name. Thankfully, she let him step in and Mason quickly shut the door. “It’s an ex wife” he clarified, knowing that would only make things slightly better. It still didn’t excuse him having never mentioned her. “And it was over twenty years ago” he added, hoping that lessened the sting of it all. It felt like a lifetime ago. For Sara, it very nearly was.

 

[Sara Moon]

As she entered the house, Sara whirled to face Mason. Her arms crossed over her chest as she faced him with fire in her eyes. "Oh, an ex-wife, well it's good to know I'm not the other woman." She spat as her eyes narrowed into slits. Obviously, she had assumed it was an ex, but when she was angry, she could be harsh, and she was very angry. It felt as though the trust she built up in him was crumbling. It had taken work, real work, for Sara to open herself up to someone the way she had with Mason. She had to force herself to say the words she was thinking, to communicate honestly, and now she was discovering that while she'd worked so hard to let him in, he'd been holding back. "I don't care if it was last week Mason, you should've told me." Her voice was icy, but tears were building in her eyes. "You should've told me, you let me walk in, and meet your parents, and you didn't tell me. I've told you more than I.. Why didn't you tell me?" The words were catching in her throat and she had to force herself to look away from him. She couldn't look into those eyes right now. This was why you didn't trust people, this was why you didn't let them in; they would ultimately hurt you. "I worked so hard to be open with you Mason. So hard, and it's not how I am naturally and you... You didn't tell me! You didn't tell me something really important! What, did you think it would change things? Did you think I'd judge you for your past, when you know about mine? I thought you knew me better than that." The position of her arms changed and she clutched her sides, not sure how to continue.

She stepped back against the wall, her back against the cool surface. Only two words escaped Sara Moon's lips as tears finally began to emerge from her dark brown eyes. "Tell me." She didn't know why she needed to know, but she did. Who was this woman he'd loved enough to marry? He'd mentioned girlfriends, and relationships, but never a marriage. Still unable to meet his gaze, she closed her eyes as her head tilted back, her face raised to the ceiling. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks. She'd thought that this was a relationship in which she could trust Mason entirely, and she could feel herself shying away from him now. She needed to know why he'd kept this from her, why he hadn't trusted her in return.

 

[Mason Talarico]

Of course, Sara was right. They'd been dating long enough that he had been met with ample opportunities to disclose his marriage. There'd been plenty of openings too, especially as she knew about his other relationships, the ones that hadn't ended in marriage. Everything she was telling him was absolutely true. Mason felt the guilt settling in the pit of his stomach especially when he noticed the tears in her eyes. He'd never meant to make her cry, and as she began too, Mason couldn't help but to step forward, hoping she wouldn't push him away though she had every reason to do so. "Please don't cry" the man pleaded, reaching out to touch her arm. "I...I'm very sorry, Sara. You're right. I should have said something before now. There's...I have no excuse" he continued, forgetting in that moment that he was the Head Auror. Right now, he was simply trying to save his relationship. It had grown to mean a lot to him. Sara had grown to mean a lot to him.

There was no chance he wouldn't tell her. He knew that if he withheld anything, he would lose Sara forever. "We met when I was nineteen" he began, looking towards something on her mantel as he began. "At a hotel. She worked there, a summer job because she still had her last year to finish at Beauxbatons. And...we fell in love." He shrugged his shoulders. "I eventually went home and we kept on talking and I'd visit her when she could get out of school. When she graduated, we got married. I'd just turned twenty, was working a job in a potions shop, and we thought things would be perfect once we married. Easy, even though we'd only known each other for like ten months." There'd been some good times in the beginning. "But, we weren't ready to be married. We were too young. We both wanted to explore, enjoy our freedom, and marriage was too constricting for both of us." With some distance from the event, he could see that easily. "So, we got divorced after three years and she went back to France." Mason sighed as he finished. "I'm surprised we lasted that long looking back on things now. We didn't know how to communicate" the man continued, sighing again. "Looks like I could still use some work in that department."

 

[Mason Talarico]

Watching her move away from him and his touch hurt a lot more than Mason tried to let on as he spoke. The man had trained to keep his emotions at bay, but he knew that doing so now would not be a good move. If Sara didn't think he cared on top of his omissions, he was sure that would be it. As it was, he knew that this, what they'd built together, was only hanging together by the barest of threads. It was not a comfortable feeling nor should it be. Mason had really, truly messed up. He'd laid everything out now, but he didn't know if that was enough. Sara hadn't looked at him once as he'd spoken, just running a road through her floor as she paced, cried, and listened. The man had kept his gaze on her the entire time, hoping that she'd look over.

Mason knew that trust was a big thing for her. It wasn't something that you could buy a potion to aid or enhance. No, magic had no place in trust's development. If it had, Mason would hard at work brewing something already. "I know, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you" Mason stated after a moment. "I love you" he added. He wasn't sure about anything right now but that. "I can see now that I should have told you a long time ago, and I know that I've broken your trust and might not get it back, but I'd like to try." Mason made difficult decisions every day, and he was used to someone being unhappy with those decisions, since making everyone happy was nearly impossible. This didn't compare to any of that. It never did when it was happening in your own home. Mason never wanted to see Sara upset, certainly not because of something he'd done. "I think I didn't tell you because I was afraid of what you'd think. Everyone goes through breakups for one reason or another, but ending a marriage? That's another story. It's serious, and I didn't do so well the only time I've tried." Both of their parents had been married for ages. Surely, she'd understand his reluctance to discuss something he'd failed at even if he did know that it had been for the best in the end.

 

[Sara Moon]

Sara stopped where she stood. Her feet planted on the floor and her head whipped around to face Mason, her eyes wide as she registered his words. He loved her. She stared at him silently as he spoke, conscious of the hammering in her chest. Now she couldn't look away, and some strange voice was telling her to run, but a stronger one compelled her to speak. "You love me." It was a whisper, less than a whisper. "And you thought the time to tell me that, to say that for the first time, was during an argument?" Her voice was louder this time as she stared at him incredulously. "Merlin Mason. I mean there's bad timing and then there's bad timing." An agitated hand ran through her hair as she wondered what on Earth she was supposed to say. She loved him. Of course she did. Well, she thought she did, and she definitely couldn't say the words out loud. She'd never loved before, she'd never been loved before. The thought had always terrified her, but loving Mason didn't seem so frightening. The problem wasn't love, it was whether or not she could trust he wouldn't lie to her again, it was whether or not he felt he could be open with her.

"You want to try." She sounded like a parrot, and the thought irritated Sara. "I don't.. I mean, I don't mean that I don't want to try, I mean that I don't know what to do. Oh God, I don't know what I mean." As she realised how her words must've sounded she moved forward instinctively, placing her hands on Mason's forearm, her words coming out in a rush. "I worded that badly. I don't want us to break up." Taking her hands away, she hugged herself again, nodding at his words. "I understand that Mason, but I- I want all of you, mistakes, failures, all of it." she sighed, her brow creased in a frown. "I thought you knew that, I thought you trusted me, but you didn't. That's the problem Mason, not that you've broken my trust, because I trust you with the things I told you, the things about myself that I'm not proud of, but you- you didn't trust me." She could feel tears building up again, and blinked rapidly to force them away.

 

[Mason Talarico]

As Sara’s head whipped around, her gaze finally meeting his, Mason wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. Nothing in her expression gave him an indication in either direction, and her words, once she finally began to speak, told the man nothing. He simply nodded his head, solemn in his expression, as he confirmed what he’d already said. He’d come to that determination some time during the year, though this was the first time he’d truly given the words life. Mason had figured that he had nothing to lose by saying the words. If he had lost her already, he wanted her to at least know where he was coming from. If he hadn’t, he hoped that his words would put them into a different place, once they’d handled all of this, of course. Feeling as if his veins had turned to ice as she proclaimed that she didn’t want to…try, he assumed since that’s what they were discussing. Mason knew that he only had himself to blame, but that did nothing to make him feel better. No, it made the few seconds before she continued speaking worse. “I see” he gritted out.

Sara continued speaking then, moving towards him for the first time since they’d stepped into her place. He kept his hands to himself, listening as she reasoned with herself, a habit that he’d always found endearing and did even now as she was reasoning through her frustrations with him and with the situation. She’d moved her hands moments before, turning them to comfort herself, but as he saw her tearing up again, he moved his hands to her upper arms, wanting to pull her into a hug. “Sara…I trust you. I do.” He knew no other way to get that message across to her other than to show her, but that would take time. He hoped he’d have that opportunity.

 

[Sara Moon]

"Oh God Mason, I'm sorry, I know how that must've sounded." Sara couldn't imagine how she would've reacted had Mason said something similar. In that moment, Sara Moon realised that she didn't see a future without this man in it. She didn't want a future without him in it. Even now, when she was upset, and she could barely look at him, she didn't wish to be without him. Her eyes stung and she wanted to cry, and the only person she wanted to talk to about it, was Mason. Trying to take this in, she brought her forefingers to her temples, rubbing circles into her skin. "Just, give me a second." Breathe. That was the key, to remember to breathe. She closed her eyes, feeling as though the hands that held her arms were the only thing keeping her upright. "Okay. I can.. I'm okay now." She opened her eyes and settled her gaze on the dark brown eyes of the man she loved, though she hadn't admitted it yet.

He said he trusted her, but had done nothing to demonstrate the fact. He had lied to her, and kept things from her. These were things Sara could not tolerate, things her heart couldn't take. Love, however, was forgiveness, and she would forgive this, though she doubted she would forget. "You can never do this again Mason." Her voice was soft now, its steeliness dissipated and replaced by a tender sincerity. "I don't think I could take it." That too was true. Sara was an honest creature, if reluctant to share too much of herself. "From now on, total honesty; always." As far as first-arguments went, this one had been rather more intense than she would've anticipated, but at least the worst was over. Well, she hoped it was. "No more surprises." A younger Sara wouldn't have been able to accept his human imperfections, but this Sara, while angry, could accept that he had made a mistake, and would love Mason Talarico still.

 

[Mason Talarico]

Mason listened to the admonishment in silence, quite comforted by the fact that the conversation was going in this direction though he'd never voice that. The Head Auror was wise enough to know that silence was the way to go about this for the moment. He knew that it wasn't an ideal place, but compared to moments before when he thought that their relationship was coming to an end, he'd take this. "I won't" he stated firmly, his hands still on her arms. He knew that this was the only slack he'd be given, and he was determined to be a better person for Sara. She deserved it. "No more surprises" he repeated, confirming that he was getting the message loud and clear.

Having had such a wonderful evening introducing Sara to his family made the turn of events even more upsetting. He knew that his family had really liked her as he'd expected them to, and really, had it not been for this argument, Mason would have declared it one of the best evenings he'd had. The argument had certainly soured things, though Mason knew that his respect for Sara had only grown by spades in these moments even when she'd been scolding him. Mason knew he wasn't perfect, far from it. He knew that with Sara, however, he might become a better man. If she had anything to do with it, he had a feeling that he wouldn't have a choice in the matter. "I know my timing was a bit off, but I did mean what I said" Mason stated quietly, knowing she would know which words he was referring to.

 

[Sara Moon]

Unable to stop herself, Sara slipped forward to pull Mason into a hug. Right now, upset as she was, she needed comfort, and the fact of the matter was that Mason Talarico was the only person she wanted when she felt this way. "Good." She murmured into his shoulder, knowing the wet tears that slid from her eyes were probably landing on his shirt, but she didn't care. She felt as though something had died; not her feelings for him, nor the trust in their relationship. She mourned her naive acceptance that everything would be sunny and happy always. This wasn't the ideal way to end the night. She'd been so excited earlier, so proud of how well the dinner had gone, and yet it felt like a century ago. In reality, not much time had passed. She pressed her cheek against Mason's shoulder and with a sigh allowed the tension in her body to release. She hadn't realised quite how tense she'd become.

His next sentence didn't surprise her, surprisingly. "I know." Mason wasn't the kind of person who would mouth a falsehood for the fear of losing her. "And if you're timing hadn't been so terrible, I would probably be replying differently, but as it stands, I think I need some time." She loved him, possibly. She'd been thinking about it quite a bit recently, but this latest development had thrown her somewhat. Pulling away from him again, suddenly aware of how odd her actions might seem to the man before her, Sara began wiping her eyes. "Wow, that was not how I imagined tonight ending." Trying to make light of things as she rubbed her raw eyes, Sara knew Mason mightn't be happy with her response, but she simply couldn't say the words; not right now at least.

 

[Mason Talarico]

Mason didn't hesitate in wrapping his arms around Sara as she, surprisingly, sought him out for comfort. He rested his chin atop her head, hoping that this would be the last time he'd hug her like this. He didn't want hugs that were the result of him having made her upset. There was little satisfaction in this, especially as she informed him that she'd need time to return his words. Mason knew that he owed her that much, the sting in her words only tempered by the fact that she'd mentioned that she'd 'probably be replying differently' had the evening gone a different way.

As they separated, Mason grimaced. "Me neither" Mason admitted, running a hand through his short hair. He took a long look at Sara and then spoke again. "I think I should call it an evening and not push my luck tonight." Sure, there was nothing else he was keeping from Sara, but he still wasn't ready to push his luck at her getting mad at him again. No, better that he return to his own home for the evening and for them to re-group in the morning in their neutral space - work. "Good night, Sara" he stated, taking another step back from her.

 

[Sara Moon]

There was a squirming in Sara's stomach as she realised she didn't know how to exit this situation. She couldn't throw Mason out, but she certainly didn't want him to stay the night. This night had taken much more out of her than she'd thought it would. She'd imagined she'd feel somewhat tired after the high-stakes meal, but now she felt utterly drained. Just the thought occurred to her, however, Mason offered her an escape. "Yes." She rubbed beneath her eyes with the heel of her hand. How totally in-character that he'd answered her before she'd even voiced her thoughts. As he stepped away from her, she was acutely aware of his absence in the space he'd occupied. "Good night, Mason."

When he was gone, she sat silently in her bed, unable to close her eyes and sleep. She meditated upon the opposite wall, unsure how exactly she'd come to be in this situation. It felt as though she'd lost something and gained something all at once. She needed to accept that Mason was a human who made mistakes, not simply the romantic hero she'd built him up to be in her head.