What did I just do?

[Matthew Cosgrove]

As he left the bathroom and bolted down through the castle making his way to the courtyard Matthew had been sure he made the right decision in the moment. But as he emerged into the fresh air and was finally able to breath he was having second thoughts. Had the Ravenclaw given up too soon? Had the pressence of Ivalyo with his arms wrapped around Alana enraged him to the point that he couldn't think straight? Surely he wasn't that hot headed but when it came to Alana he couldn't keep his feelings under control.

The Ravenclaw took a seat on one of the courtyard benches as he tried to regain his composure and let the reality of what just happened sink in. Had Matthew just ended whatever he had with Alana? He didn't really know but he knew that there was no future for the two of them not when she was engaged to someone like Chaos and it was clear that regardless of Alana's feelings there was no avoiding it. The only question that remained, would Alana accept her fate with Chaos or would she fight for him? He didn't know of she would, he didn't know if he wanted her too. All he knew was that he needed to clear his head.

 

[Alana Finch]

Alana had been searching the castle, the levels lower than the lavatory anyway. She'd missed class even. By the time she had finally managed to leave the lavatory, the hallways had been empty and going to class didn't make much sense. She would be going in late which she hated, and she knew that concentrating on anything would be impossible. The empty halls made searching for Matthew slightly easier though there was always the chance that he'd gone to class (if he even had class now) or that he'd gone to his common room. Still, Alana knew she had to try. She'd even gone up to a group of older girls that appeared his age and asked if they'd seen Matthew but they hadn't known who she was speaking about. With a sigh, she'd continued her search alone.

As she made her way past the Great Hall, Alana spotted him in the courtyard. Her heart beat quickly, knowing that now that she'd found him she would actually have to talk to him. She hasn't done all of this searching for nothing after all. Biting on her thumbnail, the Slytherin slowly entered the empty courtyard. They still had about ten minutes before classes would let out again. She wasn't even sure Matthew noticed her as she took a seat on the opposite end of the bench. "Can we talk?" Alana said after several long moments had gone by. She forced her hand down and gripped the stone bench, her knuckles whitening with the pressure.

 

[Matthew Cosgrove]

Matthew wasn't sure how long he had been out in the courtyard for. He knew students had come and gone and classes were in session. The beauty of being a sixth year was he didn't need to be anywhere. The Ravenclaw tried to think about whatever else he could to distract him from the girl he had just walked away from. Quidditch and Ravenclaws disappointing end to the season, Professor Blaze in Ancient Runes and her resemblance to...no not that. There was little to think about anymore, not even the impending doom of exams could distract him. She was all he could think about anymore.

Almost as if he had sent out some kind of beacon drawing hrr to him. Something he would have loved just a short time ago. Alana appeared and took a seat at the other end of the bench. He was relieved but he wouldn't say it. The truth was he didn't know what she was here for. Maybe she was there to fight for him or maybe it was just to let him down gently. Matthew would soon find out. "No, yes, I suppose we have to but I yet the feeling I won't like what you say? Or agree with it," He knew the odds were firmly against him. But they had something, lat least he thought so and he wanted to fight for it. But most of all, he wanted Alana to want him to fight for it.

Out of Character:

#teamalanaanndmatt

 

[Alana Finch]

Even though it was a distinct possibility that it could happen, Alana had not been expecting a no to come from Matthew. Her face crumpled and she sniffed loudly as she tried to hold back the tears. He was still talking and Alana could see that he was reasoning with himself or perhaps he was reasoning with her. She honestly didn't know. Wiping at a tear that had escaped, Alana looked away from Matthew. If she didn't look at him much, this would surely be a lot easier to get through. "No, I don't think you will" Alana said in a voice that made it clear that she was trying not to cry. Even breathing was hard right now. The teenager's feet barely reached for the floor and she scraped her shoe against the dirt as she trying to find just the right words.

"I found out that my dad arranged this thing" she never called it a marriage or engagement if she could help it, "with Chaos last year. But, I didn't think it was serious. Like who does that to their child?" She began in an irritated tone. "I barely even knew who he was and once I did, I was determined to not go through with this. I've been searching for a way out because there has to be one. There has to be." Alana wasn't quite as sure of this as she once had been. She'd been searching for almost a year already and there was nothing to suggest that there was a way out of this that wasn't death. "And since I didn't plan on going through with it, there was never any reason to mention it" Alana shrugged her shoulders. She honestly hadn't thought far enough ahead to worry about dating anyone else and having to tell them. Alana had firmly believed that she would find something before that happened. Matthew had been an unplanned though pleasant snag in that plan. "I didn't want any of this. I'm only fourteen. What other fourteen year old has to deal with this" she sighed, thinking about how unfairly life was treating everyone involved but especially her. Ivaylo was probably pissed at her for coming to speak to Matthew, and she had no doubt that the Ravenclaw probably hated her.

 

[Matthew Cosgrove]

It never occured to Matthew as he rolled off his inner thoughts that he might make Alana cry. He suspected the girl would be upset after everything had come out the way it had and Matthew finding out wouldn't have been something she wanted to happen and his reaction couldn't be easy to see, it was pretty awful going through it himself. Matthew raised his hand to her cheek and wiped away a runaway tear that the Slytherin herself had missed. Then Alana began to talk, Matthew listened. As she told him her story he found all his anger, all his hurt and a little of his heartbreak being replaced by the overwhelming urge to take the girl in his arms. How could anyone do that to his own daughter.

The Ravenclaw had mixed feelings about the situation. He wondered if another person in his shoes would have walked away from Alana as soon as he found out about her engagement. Matthew couldn't bare the thought of doing that. As she finished Matthew let the silence sit between them for a few minutes before he said anything. "I understand why you didn't tell me, how could you? And where would you have even started? Casually slip into the conversation that your engaged between kisses? We haven't known each other that long I know, so I understand not telling me, especially you not wanting to go through with it, but really Alana what are the chances of you not marrying Chaos? What am I up against here?" He asked letting his hand drop from her cheek and take hold her hand. Matthew wasn't sure if she would let him or if she wanted him to but he wanted to fight for her.

 

[Alana Finch]

Matthew was too kind to Alana. She was sure of that as he wiped away a tear that had managed to escape her eye. Unlike some people who always had to interrupt, Matthew listened without comment until she'd finished. Then, he began to speak and Alana felt a pit begin to form in her stomach. As far as Alana could tell, Matthew was up against an enormous family with a reach that extended further than Alana could imagine. She pulled her hand from his grasp, fear that Ivaylo or another Zhefarovich member might pass by and see. The prefect's words still lingered in her mind and she wouldn't have that, couldn't have that on her conscience.

"I don't know what my chances are" she admitted, crossing her arms against her chest so he couldn't grab hold of them again. "But...there's no chance of this continuing. It can't" she shook her head, the words dripping with sadness. She quickly swiped at her eye before folding her arms again. "Really. It's not worth it. It probably wasn't going to work out anyway" she continued, trying to convince herself just as much as she was trying to convince the Ravenclaw. "I'm only fourteen and you're what? Sixteen? Seventeen? You'll be out of here in a year or so" she finished lamely. That he was older and more mature had been one of the things that'd drawn her to him. She wasn't even buying her own lame reason. Alana knew that she'd probably have to be mean to push Matthew away, but she didn't know if she had it in her to be mean to him. She hoped she wouldn't have to find out.

 

[Matthew Cosgrove]

Matthew almost didn't want Alana to say anything because he knew her words would hurt him whether she meant them or not. He listened anyway as the Slytherin spoke and her words confirmed his worst fears. No chance. At least she was giving him no chance, clearly she wasn't giving up on getting out of her marriage but there was no future for themselves, she was making that clear. That wasn't the worst of it for Matthew, what came next was. He didn't know if she chose those words on purpose or if they came out unplanned but she may as well have snogged Chaos in front of him if she wanted to go for the juggular. It wasn't worth it. They weren't worth it. He wasn't.

"No, no I don't believe you. How can you sit there and tell me this isn't worth it, look at me Alana," Matthew did his best to keep his voice as quiet as possible but he knew it would be a battle he could soon lose. He didn't know if she meant it or if she was just telling him what she needed to keep him away from her. She would need to try harder.

For the second time Alana mentioned her age and Matthew realised he hadn't really known how old she was until today, it have made a difference in the beginning but he was in too deep now. "Seventeen," He muttered quietly. Matthew had never thought about their age difference amd he thought now it was a lame excuse to throw in his face. "I don't care, I never did. Alana, I..." The words caught in his throat, he really did want to tell her but he could. The words wouldn't come, he didn't know how she'd take them and telling her might only make it worse for him when she really started pushing him away. "There are reasons we shouldn't be together but our age isn't one of them, don't hide behind that, if you don't want to be with me then don't be but don't clutch at straws to justify pushing me away, let me be here for you," Matthew wanted to take her hand to comfort her but she held her arms tightly across her body. He couldn't explain why but her body language hurt more than her words.

 

[Alana Finch]

Alana heard Matthew's urgent tone for her to look at him. She really didn't want to, but she took a deep breath and turned to him. He really wasn't making this easy. It had been his persistence that had led them into this. Alana probably would have walked away from him at the Yule Ball after tripping over him, but he'd spoken to her and kept up a conversation with her that night. She couldn't really focus on his face, it was just too hard to do. But, she found that if she concentrated on the spot just past his shoulder, then she might be able to do this. The blonde tried to keep the emotion out of her face, but it was a failing mission. She could feel the tears welling up and she swiped at her eye again. Alana took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she had to say next. She reached out her hand and took Matthew's own, though his engulfed her.

It helped that Ivaylo's words were fresh in her mind. With time, Alana probably would have convinced herself that Ivaylo hadn't been that serious and this conversation might have gone differently. "I don't" she replied with as much certainty as she could muster, her red eyes looking right at Matthew this time. It wasn't much. "You don't understand" she continued, a stubbornness to her tone that hadn't been there a moment ago, "I'm sorry I led you on, but you can't be there for me. You can't help me. I don't want you to help me." With those final words, Alana slipped her hand from his and moved it back to her own lap. It's too dangerous, she added silently. The teenager didn't know what she was going to do, but she knew that she had to do it alone. She couldn't bring anyone else into this mess.

 

[Matthew Cosgrove]

Matthew knew that Alana was fighting to push him away as much as he was fighting to stay by her side. One of them had to give and like it or not it would have to be Matthew. Alana had her life mapped out for her, it was a path she didn't want to go down but it was a path he couldn't follow, Matthew was just the only one who couldn't see it, simply because he didn't want to."Please, don't make me go," His voice cracked as everything he had been feeling since he read the magazine and he couldn't fight against it anymore.

When Alana took his hand he squeezed it gently, he never wanted to let go. He never wanted to spend a day not looking into those red eyes. But no matter what fantasies he fed himself Alana was trying to tell him whatever they had together was over. He had himself to blame, after they collided at the Yule ball they should have gone their separate ways but he had instantly been captivated. Her final words were what finally broke him, she could throw all the can'ts, won'ts and shouldn'ts she liked around and Matthew would just smile and take het hand. But when she told him she didn't want him to help, she may as well have told him she felt nothing and never had. Matthew’s heart couldn't break anymore than it did when he walked out on her in the bathroom but the last glimmer of hope she gave him by chasing him down was gone.

When he felt her hand pull away he felt like his world was shattering. He wanted to say something to stop her but there wasn't anything that could change her mind. Maybe she was telling him what she needed to to keep him out of danger and this was as painful for her as it was him. Or maybe he was just getting desperate. Matthew wanted to tell her that no amount of danger would keep him away from her but what was the point she wouldn't let him risk death at the hands of Ivaylo. There was nothing left to say but the truth. Matthew stood up, he couldn't look at her when he said it, it might destroy him. "I love you Alana," How he said it clearly and without breaking down he'd never know but with those words he turned away from her. She would either leave or stay but it was her choice now. Matthew had to be prepared to let her go.

 

[Alana Finch]

Alana knew that something had finally gotten through to Matthew because he stood up, not looking at her any longer. Alana looked down at the ground, tears silently dropping down her cheeks before she buried her face in her hands, leaning down so that she was practically crouched into a ball on the bench. She couldn’t keep them contained any longer, and she wouldn’t. Alana had been mostly invisible to the student body before this incident, and she sent a silent prayer out that it could continue for a few more moments, at least until she could compose herself. She didn’t want any of her housemates or anyone really seeing her in this condition, heartbroken and ashamed. The teenager wished that she had a tissue in her pocket, but she had to settle for wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her uniform shirt. Then, Matthew said three words that made Alana gasp in a breath. She froze for a second, still not daring to look up at Matthew. If he was even peeking at her, she wasn’t sure that she’d be able to hold onto the words that she’d spoken. No, it was more likely that she’d fold, apologizing to him and making promises that she was no longer sure that she could keep. It had only been three months, but three months was a lifetime in a boarding school.

Suddenly, Alana felt like she needed to get out of there. She stood up, tears blinding her. “I’m sorry, Matthew…I…I can’t” she said, her voice shaky. Alana felt completely out of control of the whole situation. She didn’t know how to respond. Did she love him? Alana found herself thinking back on all the time they’d spent together over the past three months, all of the kisses they’d shared, all of the talks they’d had. It dawned on her that she did love Matthew too. She also realized that she had been a fool to think she could keep anything, not their relationship and certainly not her engagement, a secret for long. It was stupid of her to even think that, and Alana realized that it was time to wisen up. Alana knew that she couldn’t repeat the words back to Matthew, not even if she really meant them and wanted him to know that it had been worth it after all. It wouldn’t be right, and she feared that Matthew would really not stop fighting for her if she told him the truth. Part of her didn’t want him to fight, but she knew that she valued his life more than that. “I have to go” she stated abruptly, standing up and rushing past Matthew. As she headed past, Alana bumped into him much like she had the first time they’d met.