Closed The Next Break

[Einar Haines]

Einar thought his mood would get better as the semester went on, but really it hadn’t. It hadn’t thankfully gotten too much worse but that also wasn’t exactly good. He just had no motivation, no interest, he did his homework, he went to his classes and that was about it. Nothing else. He wasn’t going to go home but he expected that Lucas would. He half wanted him to. It would be easier to hide from the world and sleep for two weeks if his only friend wasn’t hovering over him. He liked Lucas a lot and he knew he liked hi, as more than a friend, but his own other emotions were too confusing too difficult to bother with that he didn’t want to action anything. Lucas wouldn’t like him like that. He deserved better than him. Einar had gone to the north most tower and spent most of the evening there, he’d known Lucas had practice so had hidden away from him until he knew the boy would’ve been back a while. Only then did he walk back into the dorm they shared. ”How was practice?”​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas was furious. Why was his aunt being so stubborn? It's not like she even lived in the apartment anyway! His emotions were boiling over. He was hurt, annoyed, exasperated. Einar had been avoiding him and no matter what Lucas tried the other boy just wasn't responding. His aunt had taken him from his home and then apparently decided he could live in an apartment alone. He'd begged, pleaded, yelled, but she wouldn't budge. She just wouldn't couldn't adopt Einar. It wasn't fair, why did Lucas get to start over and Einar couldn't?

He'd torn the latest letter from Cassi to shreds, and he'd been sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands, slumped over and defeated for the last hour, crying silently. Not that anyone would care. Einar was gone. As usual. His aunt was gone. Always. He just felt unbearably alone, and he couldn't stop himself from thinking it was his fault. He just wasn't worth it. No one wanted him. Not his parents, not his brothers, not his aunt. He was starting to think that without the threat of his brothers, without needing to be protected, Einar didn't need him anymore.

He didn't look up when he heard the familiar voice. He shrugged, hating himself. Einar was all he had, and Lucas was doubting him. He had always known what they were. Einar was on the other side of a wall, one Lucas hadn't been able to break in the years they'd been together. He felt stupid, and weak. All he wanted was to reach over and pull the other boy close. But he knew Einar wouldn't want it. He sniffled softly, hating the tears. Why couldn't Lucas manage to do one thing properly?

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar knew immediately that something was wrong. He could tell by the way Lucas was holding himself that something was wrong. Einar was sure this was his doing too but he didn’t know what was causing it. He watched Lucas for a moment not quite sure if he should do anything. Lucas was his one friend, but it would be better for Lucas if they weren’t friends, all Einar did was drag him down. Make his life worse. ”You okay?” he asked nervously, his body language visibly nervous. He wanted to reach out to Lucas but also couldn’t bring himself to. He noticed the torn letter, ”Did your brothers write to you or…?” maybe he was upset because the torn letter had stuff from Lucas’s brother’s.​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas let out a small sigh, wiping at his face but still not looking up. "It's not working. Nothing I've tried is working. She won't listen," He fell back on the bed, the palms of his hands digging a little into his eyes. "I don't- I don't get it, I just- it's not good enough, nothing I do is good enough," he deflated into his mattress, trying to breath and calm himself down.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar was a little confused by what he was saying, until the she part. He was beginning to think he knew what this was about. His heart began hammering in his chest, his hands were immediately sweaty and he wasn’t sure he would be entirely able to catch his breath. ”You are good enough Lucas,” he told him, he wasn’t sure how steady his voice was, but he was trying his best, ”Is this about me coming to stay with you?” he decided to ask, maybe it wouldn’t be, maybe it was about something else. But he needed to know if this was it or not.​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas let out a shaky sigh, trying not to sound as broken up about it as he felt. "It's not fair," he replied instead, biting his lip and dragging his hands slowly up into his hair. "I get to start over, I get a new life, and you don't? I hate this, I hate-" he hiccupped a little, dragging his hands back down. "You're still bouncing around, you're still- you're still alone, I've been- I can't-" Lucas pulled his long limbs back onto the bed, pulling a pillow closer and curling around it, holding it tightly and hiding his face in it. He rolled, turning away from Einar.

"You've protected me for years, nothing- no one-" Lucas shook his head, curling into a tighter ball. "You are the most important thing in this world to me and I can't offer you anything," he admitted, crying harder, his voice breaking. "You've done everything for me, you're everything, and I can't- I can't even-" Lucas melted into the bed, completely defeated. "I'm useless," he whispered, heart breaking in his chest. "It's no wonder my family never wanted me," he buried his face in the pillow, shaking and trying to hide how upset he felt.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar wasn’t sure what Lucas would say, but he hadn’t expected it to be about him. He felt nervous and frustrated by it. He tried to ignore that he felt it was a little right, like of course Einar wanted what Lucas had, but if only one of them could have it, then he would’ve wanted it to be Lucas. He wrapped his arms around himself in silence, feeling himself mourn for a moment the truth of what Lucas was saying, even if it wasn’t his fault. He was the same age as him, he couldn’t have done anything else. There was no recourse for him, no extra family, no help that he could afford, which Lucas did have. ”No, Lucas. Cassi asked me to stay with you guys and I said no. I want to be in your life, I want to live with you guys, but I can’t. I had to say no.”

Einar looked out the window, his words quiet as he spoke. He sat down, on the nearest available surface and sighed. ”What I did over the break, what happened, it ehhh...I’m just in a lot of trouble over what happened. Your aunt made most of it go away, but she couldn’t make it all vanish. I still did what I did.” he spoke slowly, picking his words carefully. ”It would make things really difficult for you and Cassi, if I went with you guys, like too difficult, especially if Cassi does intend to leave you mostly to your own devices,” Einar said. He wasn’t going back for the christmas break and he just hoped his social worker was less annoyed with him by the summer. ”I’ll be able to visit, I just can’t stay. This isn't on you, or on her, it's on me. I'll be okay too. The family's I end up with aren't always the best but I mean....it can't be easy to get a kid like me, they try their best,”​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas' heart twisted a little in his chest, his crying slowly subsiding as Einar spoke. Lucas was still upset, his heart ached and he just felt so tired. But that feeling was back again. The one where his chest got warm and tight and all he wanted to do was to hold Einar close. Lucas turned, shifting out of bed. He looked like a mess, he knew he did, but he hardly cared.

Lucas stood and walked over, breaching Einars space and putting his hands on the boys arms. "Einar, you don't get it, do you?" He asked, rubbing his thumbs lightly over the boys skin. "You still think you're bad luck. After all this time," Lucas shook his head, his entire body soft as he tilted his head to try and catch Einars eye. "Einar, you're wrong. You've always been wrong. You... You saved me. You saved my life. You're so convinced that you're bad, but, but you aren't. Terrible things happened, but it- none of it was your fault." He was pleading a bit now, but he couldn't help it. Lucas pulled Einar into his arms, folding around him and holding him tight. "Einar, please, you are my home. You're the best thing I've ever had. Please, please, stay with me, stop shutting me out." He pleaded gently, nuzzling more into Einar.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar froze in place as Lucas put his hands on his arms. He listened to the words, but he knew that Lucas wasn’t understanding him. He was partly right that Einar was sure that if he was in their lives more so that he would ruin things. He closed his eyes looking away from Lucas. He didn’t think he’d saved Lucas’ life, he didn’t think he’d helped. If he’d been a better friend he would’ve immediately told Cassi. He knew his mother was probably so disappointed in him over not doing more for Lucas, for not helping him more. He shook his head, he could feel Lucas moving closer to him, but he didn’t react to it. ”Lucas, I can’t stay with you. You don’t understand, I am in actual real trouble,” he spoke softly. ”I ran off, crossed state lines, if I stay with you and Cassi, my life will ruin it, it’ll make what you have turn to ash, it’ll make everything about me and not about like you and Cassi being a family. You deserve to know what it’s like to have family, to be safe..” Einar hands moved slightly. ”When I turn 17 we can both have it. I’ll be okay to wait a little bit, who knows maybe my next family will be really good,”​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas listened to Einar quietly, but didn't let go. "Einar. Stop. Cassi will barely be there anyway. I'm living alone. I..." He sighed, hugging Einar tighter. "I don't want to lose you," he added quietly. "Don't think I haven't noticed. You're not on the team anymore. You're avoiding me. I... Do you not like me, anymore?" He asked quietly, afraid to let go. "I don't... I don't want to be without you. I just... I don't know, it's like... You won't let me in. I've tried so hard, I want to be important to you, I want you with me," he pulled away a little, trying to catch Einars eye. "I know... I know I'm not really worth much but, I... I can do better, I can be more, just... Just tell me what to do. Please?" He pleaded softly. He bit his lip, and unable to resist, he brought his hand up and brushed his thumb gently over Einars cheek.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar sighed heavily, Lucas wasn’t getting it. He didn’t think he would, he knew that he could be more honest about this, or about how much trouble he’d been in from the moment he’d gotten back from his social worker, or when Cassi had originally asked him. But he couldn’t. He could say the words, couldn’t give the explanation, not one that wouldn't upset Lucas. He liked lucas and he wasn’t sure what it meant, but he didn’t want to be the boy’s adoptive brother or something like that, and there was no way the social worker would let him stay with Cassi unless there was some kind of fostering or adoption. Einar wished he were alone, he didn’t want to continue having this conversation. He could feel the softness of Lucas’s thumb on his cheek but all he could think of was his mother, of being freshly eleven upset about leaving her and her assurances that she’d always be with him as she wiped his tears away. ”Can you stop touching me?” he asked, his voice cracked as he spoke. ”I like you still, I want to let you in, you don’t need to be better or do more, I just need you to let go,” his voice came in more panicked shorter breaths, ”I know you don’t mean it, but you just reminded me of my mother, and I need you to let go,”​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas hesitated at Einar's words, blushing deeply as he realized what he'd done. He immediately stepped back, ducking his head. "Sorry," he managed softly. He took several steps backwards, running his hands through his hair before turning. He put a little bit of distance between them, sitting on his bed and pulling his pillow to his chest, holding it so tightly his knuckles were turning white. A thousand words bubbled up, and it took him a moment to push them back. "Do you need me to go for a little while?" He asked, wanting to give the other boy space if he needed it. Lucas didn't want to go, not really, but he already knew he would always do anything Einar asked him. Even if it hurt him.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar had to admit the relief that immediately washed over him as Lucas let go. He closed his eyes and focused on pushing those emotions and worries away from him. Focused on just there here and now. Focused on what they were talking about. ”No, stay please,” he was quick to say. He didn’t want Lucas to go he just needed a minute. He let himself just take the moment he needed to focus on his breathing, on getting himself under control. ”I’m sorry, I didn’t want this to happen,” he assured him, he knew it hurt Lucas when he asked him to let go. But it would’ve been worse if he’d tried to grin and bear it. ”I need you to just trust me on it, me not living with you and with Cassi is for the best,” he said, ”Not just because of my track record with families, but because I will end up getting Cassi into real trouble and because Lucas I really like you and I don’t want to be your brother,” he said, he spoke quickly, trying to get out his explanation. ”I wanna be with you…” he wasn’t sure, he was positive that was how he felt but he wasn’t sure. He knew that he didn’t want to live with them as an adoptive or foster brother because of it. He just hoped that either Lucas felt the same way or was kind enough to let him down easy​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas nodded, sitting quietly and holding his pillow tightly. He had always struggled with the want to touch Einar. He'd always felt starved for physical affection and he just craved it so badly, it was hard to handle. He pulled his legs up, folding around the pillows and resting his chin on top of it. He lowered his eyes, nodding silently when Einar asked for his trust. He was about to agree, when Einar's last words registered in his mind. Lucas felt... confused, and his brow furrowed. "You.... want to be with me, but you don't want to be with me?" He repeated slowly, not understanding. "I don't... I don't know what you mean..." he was hesitant as he spoke, turning over the words in his head. I really like you. Did Einar mean like.... romantically?

Lucas ran his fingers idly along the edge of the pillow as he thought. "I... I'm confused," he told Einar, not really looking at him. "About everything," he could feel the blush crawling up his cheeks. "I've been... noticing things. Your hair is soft and always falls into your eyes when you bend over. Your eyes are... captivating, you'll look at me and suddenly I can't breath, or look away. Your hands are soft, and warm, and comforting, in that single moment before you pull away again."

Lucas sighed softly, curling up a little tighter around his pillow. "I don't know what's going on. I don't understand it." He ran a hand through his hair. "I think about you... a lot. My heart acts funny. I... don't know what this is," he finally glanced up at Einar, unsure.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar felt himself redden as Lucas repeated back some of the words he said. He wasn’t sure how he could be more clear without actually saying it. He didn’t know how he was supposed to say it. The teen listened as Lucas started saying things back, at the very least he knew that perhaps Lucas felt the same way about him, but that perhaps he was going to need to use simpler language to be able to describe it. He looked up at Lucas and gave a little smile. ”I like you, I want to….be your...boyfriend,” he said, his voice was quiet, low and it was clear these were not easy things to say. ”I think maybe you like me too, like that,” Einar said, he figured perhaps if Lucas was distracted enough from the whole living situation thing it might be easier.​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas waited patiently for Einar to talk, running the edge of his pillow gently through his fingers, biting his lip nervously. His eyes widened when Einar finally got the words out, his heart thundering madly in his chest. He leaned forward, gripping the pillow so tightly it hurt. Einar... Einar wanted to be his boyfriend? Really? Lucas was at a loss for words for a moment, staring hard and blushing terribly, before finally just blurting out the only thing on his mind. "Can I kiss you?" He asked, hesitating on the edge of the bed, struggling to keep himself in check. He wanted to dart acrosss the room and catch Einar up, smother him in kisses and hold him and for some reason giggle like a child, but Lucas knew better. It was hard, almost impossibly hard, but he held back, staring intently at the other boy.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar was glad that his clarity seemed to get to the heart of the issue. He didn’t expect Lucas to feel the same way despite everything he’d said. Part of him just assumed that Lucas was just describing the odd emotions for clarity or something else. But it seemed he got it and Einar was left with having to decide whether or not to let Lucas kiss him. He met his gaze and tried to go through all the options in his head. Einar gave a little nod, unwrapped himself a little and then leaned in and went to kiss Lucas on the lips, it would be a quick kiss but he wanted that. Even if his brain felt wrecked and all he wanted to do was sleep.​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas' breath caught when Einar agreed. He held onto the pillow tightly, not wanting to push too far. He leant down, kissing Einar gently. Lucas wanted to linger, he wanted to bring his arms up and hold Einar close. For a moment, he almost did. He struggled to pull back, lingering a moment after pulling away. He stepped back, hugging the pillow tightly to his chest. "We, um, maybe... we can be boyfriends? If you want to," he gave Einar a shy smile, biting his lip. He wanted to hold Einar, but he didn't want to make Einar more uncomfortable.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar leaned lightly into the kiss. Unsure of what to do, or what to do with his hands. It was quick, the feeling a little odd but it wasn’t bad. It was nice even. He knew it wasn’t a full kiss, that he could kiss far more deeply would probably be nice too, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for that yet. He leaned out and gave a weak smile. He nodded lightly, boyfriends, that’s what you did with the people you liked. You dated as boyfriends. ”Okay,” he said in agreement. ”Can we just go to bed, it’s getting late..” he didn’t think he needed to say that he was pretty exhausted and looking to just get an opportunity to rest. Maybe it would make all of this boyfriend stuff a little easier in the morning.​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas smiled warmly, unable to help but look at Einar with adoration. He sighed softly, happily, feeling oddly content. "Of course," he agreed immediately, moving to lay back down in his bed. He automatically set up the pillow wall without thinking to ask. He smiled at Einar, waiting patiently thinking the other boy would join him. Lucas wanted to tuck Einar in at least, make sure he was as comfortable as Lucas could make him.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar waited for a moment, watched as Lucas lay down and made the little pillow wall that he always asked for, he wasn’t quite ready for it to go away. He could see that Lucas was waiting for a moment but he lay down on the bed, he didn’t get into the covers not yet. He was tired, but he knew his mind wouldn’t settle well immediately, he needed to just let himself settle. ”Night Lucas,” he said softly, he spoke quietly, happy that for the moment Lucas was perhaps happy with the answer he’d given for not moving in and he could continue to use that until it didn’t work.​