The Fear of Falling Apart (Continued)

[Colin Michaels]

Set in February of 2051, continued from here. (I’m trying to get ahead okay!!)

Outside of traveling to drop Winnie off with Eva or see the few friends he kept from his time living there, Colin never thought he would be returning to New Zealand so soon. It was a place of his past as far as he had been concerned, with most of his memories there from when he was hiding who he truly was and lying to all the people he cared about. Memories clouded with guilt and shame that he would rather forget. That was until recently however, when over the last several months of seeing James who lived in New Zealand with his own family, Colin was forced to realize he would need to return to New Zealand time and time again. It had been a difficult realization at first, but over time Colin was growing used to the idea of spending time in New Zealand and all the traveling back and forth, the fact he was a wizard making the regular trips much easier, convenient, and possible between all he had on his schedule.​

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That day James had invited Colin on a date at a park near his home. Despite the time zone difference of twelve hours meaning it was late at night in England when he arrived to New Zealand at noon, Colin was excited, losing sleep worth the opportunity to spend time with his boyfriend. He strolled through the park James said to meet at with a smile on his face, waving and approaching James when he saw him. “Hello! This park is beautiful. I forget how pretty New Zealand can be, I regret not traveling around more while I lived here.” Colin spoke, moving to press a soft kiss to James’ cheek in greeting. “Anyway, what’s the plan for today?” He quickly asked, wanting to get the date James had planned for them underway.​

 

[James Michaels]

James stood, nervous as Colin arrived. His heart was thundering painfully in his chest and he felt sick. He shut his eyes, stepping away from Colin and shaking his head. "There isn't one." He managed softly. "I told you to meet me today because... because we need to break up." James let out a shaky breath, moving away. "I'm a mess, Colin. I have three kids that aren't mine, I'm just the struggling uncle that doesn't know how to be a parent," He went on, wrapping his arms around his torso and shaking his head. "I'm broken, I don't know how to be... a person, again. You deserve more than that." James backed away, shaking his head, afraid Colin would see him cry. "You need someone strong, someone that can support you and give you the world. Most days I can barely get out of bed. You deserve better. I'm not enough. I can never be enough." He managed, holding his arms around himself and turning to leave.

 

[Colin Michaels]

James’ words caused Colin to stop in his place, brows furrowing in a mix of worry over what had elicited this kind of reaction, and confusion because it was all so out of the blue. Colin had thought things were going well, thought that regardless of his and James’ decision to take things slowly, they were happy. Colin was at least happier than he had ever been, growing more comfortable with who he truly was over time. It made no sense for James to want to break up so suddenly. Colin wondered for a moment if he was so caught up in his own happiness, he hadn’t realized James didn’t feel the same way, but even then, he still couldn’t recall any hints in the past that something was amiss in their relationship. “Hey, wait.” Colin said when James began to turn away, reaching to gently grab his arm to keep him there. “I don’t understand, I’m very confused.” He said., still frowning at how sudden of an admission this was on James’ part.​

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“I thought everything was fine between us. I don't know where this has come from. Is this because of something I've done?” He added, silently worrying what he could have done to cause such a reaction from James. Being broken up with so suddenly and in a public place was admittedly humiliating, and impersonal, and generally wildly confusing in so many ways, and Colin, having expected a nice day, was entirely dumbfounded at how to react.​

 

[James Michaels]

James winced as Colin grabbed him, pausing but not turning back to Colin. "You didn't do anything wrong," He spoke softly. "It's more... you've done everything right," James tried to explain. "I've never known anyone like you. Ever," James bit his lip, turning away. "All I know is short term. I don't know how to be what you need. Every relationship I've ever had, no matter what I wanted, has ever meant anything. I don't... I don't know how to be anything more." He pulled his arm gently from Colin's grasp and tried to move away again.

 

[Colin Michaels]

Colin averted his gaze to the ground when James elaborated, saying that he had done everything right, but it was James’ history of only being in short relationships that never usually meant anything that was the problem. Colin’s understanding was still very slight, as he didn’t see why or how James’ previous relationships could have such a prominent influence on his current relationship, or his inability to change the future, but it did seem that James was adamant to leave him, for whatever reason. “Well.” Colin began, sighing deeply. “If you really don’t want to be with me, I’m not going to make you, it’s your choice to make, and I’m going to respect that.” He then explained, letting go of James’ arm to allow him to walk away. As much as he cared for James, and as much as James had helped him grow as a person in the last few months, James did deserve to have his decisions respected no matter what.​

 

[James Michaels]

James had not really thought this through. At all. He hadn't expected Colin to say anything. James wasn't prepared for any kind of feed-back, and Colin's comment, while completely supportive, was enough to stop James in his tracks. "Of course I want to be with you, Colin," James groaned. "I'm just- I'm not- I'm scared, Col." James admitted softly, running his hands through his hair. "You're too good for me and I know it. You were going to figure that out, anyway..." He sighed, wrapping his arms around his torso and staring at his feet.

 

[Colin Michaels]

As if Colin couldn’t be more confused, James then went on to say he did want to be with him, despite his actions telling him otherwise. He shook his head, is if trying to get rid of how out of place the entire situation was. If James wanted to be with him, then why would he want to break up with him? It was all so conflicting, and none of it made any sense. Colin looked back over to James as he spoke. “Look, how about we make a cup of tea and talk this all out? You can tell me about why you’re feeling scared and we can work through it, and if after all of that you feel the same, I’ll of course still respect that and your decision.” He suggested. “But this is all very conflicting James, you saying you want to break up so suddenly, and then also saying you do want to be with me. I think it would be helpful for both of us to make sense of this.” Colin added, wondering if James wanted to accept the offer or simply continue to walk away and leave everything where it was. He would ultimately let James do what he thought was best, but if there was something he could help James with he wanted to try and do what he could.​

 

[James Michaels]

James hesitated at Colin's offer. It was... Very tempting. But would it really do anything but prolong the inevitable? James was quiet a moment, debating. He nearly said no and walked away, but he could very easily imagine Jackson hitting him upside the head and scolding him for being a fool. This is worth fighting for, James. At least talk about it.

James sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Please?" He asked softly, not daring to glance up at Colin. "I... This way." He gestured for Colin to follow him, leading the way back to his home nearby.

It wasn't long before they were situated in James' living room, a fresh pot of tea on the coffee table. James hadn't touched his cup, sitting with his hands folded in his lap. He kept his head hung, not looking to Colin.

He sighed, and began to explain himself. "My family... Was always very supportive of my sexuality." He spoke gently. "But among my peers... I always struggled to fit in. My first serious boyfriend," James nearly smiled. "Was a very sweet boy, soft and kind. At least... Until he revealed he only wanted me to get to my twin brother." James shook his head. "My luck never really changed. I would find someone, see them for awhile, but in the end it was always the same. I was a means to an end, a distraction, a fling. Never anything more. Apparently my test in men was always... Questionable, I was in a few... Dicey relationships."

James hesitated, turning his head the other way in hopes of hiding his blush from Colin. "You are... possibly one of the greatest things that's happened to me." James admitted gently. "I.... I think... I'm falling for you," he spoke softly, shutting his eyes. "That's why I... I need to walk away now. I'm not the kind of guy anyone could fall for." He sighed, biting his lip. "I'm just... Saving you the effort of having to walk away."

 

[Colin Michaels]

Breathing a sigh of relief that James wanted to talk things out, to possibly work through all his clearly conflicting beliefs about himself, Colin moved to follow James to his home, soon finding himself situated in James’ living room with a tea pot on the coffee table and a warm mug in his hands. In an effort to calm his own nerves down, Colin sipped slowly from the tea, staying silent and almost pleading with James to take initiative and speak to him, because Colin wouldn’t know where to start if James needed him to talk first. Luckily, James did eventually talk, and Colin nodded along, trying his best to understand the situation James was in and the relationship history he was revealing. It all sounded terrible, to only be in relationships to be used or with someone who didn’t value him as a person. Colin couldn’t imagine the stress, and long-lasting impact it seemed to have on James’ self-esteem. The sudden decision to break up began to make a little sense with the new context he had been given, but that didn’t mean he understood why it seemed the best decision to make. Colin swallowed another mouthful of tea, trying his best to put together a response before he said it aloud. “Well, it sounds like your past is painful, I can’t deny that.” He admitted, looking down into his cup for a moment, then back to James.​

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“I just, you seem to want to be with me, and you clearly care. But deciding to save me from walking away from you, it should be my choice to walk away if I want to, not yours. We should make our own decision of whether we want to be in this relationship. It should be that simple, either we do, or we don’t want to be together.” It seemed to be so complicated of a situation, and unnecessarily at that, but Colin also did not want to minimize James’ past experiences. “It’s awful that you have been treated poorly, and it is your choice of whether you want to stay with me, but that choice should be based off of your own feelings, not what you think I want, or what you think I feel. You should trust your judgement, trust what you think is right for you, and not for me. It’s about both of us, not one of us.” Colin was unsure if he was getting his point across. It was usually easy for him to put thoughts into words, although not when it was regarding his own emotions, when he had to talk about his own feelings or share vulnerabilities he was more or less speechless, most of the time.​

 

[James Michaels]

James listened quietly to Colin, nodding softly every so often. Eventually, after Colin had finished speaking, James sighed. He bit his lip, debating heavily what he was about to say. He brought a hand up to his heart, kneading his fingers over his shirt gently. After a moment he stood, walking over to Colin. He put a hand on the couch behind Colin, leaning down. With his other hand he caught Colin's chin, tilting his head up and kissing him, softly, gently, hoping Colin couldn't feel his hand shaking. "Colin, I... I love you. And it scares me. Do... you think that maybe... you could ever.... possibly, one day, maybe love a mess like me?" He asked softly, fear clear in his eyes. He could hear his heart thundering in his ears.