Closed Stay Gone

[Ethan Alexander]

Ethan was sitting at the kitchen table and stared at the letter from his mom. The condensation from his glass of orange juice was slowly making its way to the paper. He knew he should reach out and move it, or dry the table but he just sat there frozen. His body felt shocked and stunned but deep down, deep deep down he always knew this day was coming. But that didn’t stop the ache in his chest from threatening to split him in half. He heard Ernie coming downstairs and he felt his stomach do a sickening flip. It was so bizarre to think that this old barn that had been turned into a house had been his home longer than anywhere he had ever lived with his mom. Even with his time at school, his room here had remained constant and he could even see his influence all over the house. He had his shoes by the door, his favorite mug in the sink, all little things he had never really experienced before coming here.

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and Ethan jumped without meaning to. Ernie had noticed his behavior but he couldn’t find his voice. Instead he just gestured to the letter and would let his mother’s words speak for themselves. He was so stupid to think she would come back for him.

Dear Ethan,

I love you so much baby. I know the distance has been hard on you but trust me it’s been so much harder for me. I’ve hardly known what to do with myself without you by my side. You’ll always be my little co-pilot. Gosh, it’s been so long I can only imagine how much you’ve grown! I’m so sorry I haven’t had a chance to go visit you! But you know how things go. How my luck can be. I can’t ever seem to catch a break!

I want you to know I will always be your mother and you will always be my sweet boy, but I can’t help but think that the best place for you to stay and grow is right where you are. I’ve heard how well you’re doing and I’m so so proud of you! You’re almost grown up, I don’t think it’d be fair to you if I was selfish and asked for you back.

I need you to know how much I love you. But I don’t think I can do any better for you than to let you stay. I was never really cut out for this but I always tried my best. I hope you know that too. So be good to Ernie and give him my best.

Love you to bits,
Mom

 

[Ernie Wilder]

Ernie was glad he didn’t have an opening shift at the shop this morning. He felt like had been practically working two jobs between the wedding planning and the shop. He had also done some straightening up in preparation for Ethan to come home. Sometimes he had to pinch himself when he realized just how well things had turned out for him. He knew Ethan missed his mom and he could only do so much as a stand in. But he had grown fiercely fond of the boy over the years and wouldn’t know what to do with himself when their time together was up. One day he’d be all grown up and leaving the house, but that was different, and he knew it was selfish to want to keep him close just for his sake.

He had just gotten downstairs to make himself some coffee when he noticed Ethan sitting at the kitchen table with a vacant look in his eyes. It set off alarm bells in his head and he approached tentatively to put a hand on his shoulder. “Woah woah. It’s just me.” he said softly. “What’s wrong?” he asked but Ethan just shook his head and gestured to something on the table. He picked it up and noticed it was a letter with quite a lot of postage. With a sinking feeling in his gut he reached out and read the letter.

Ernie didn’t get far before he had to sit down. “Riley.” he whispered in disbelief. He wished more than anything that she was in front of him now so he could talk some sense into her.

 

[Ethan Alexander]

Ethan hadn’t realized he was crying until he tried to talk. He sniffed hard and wiped at his eyes. “So she doesn’t want me back-” he started to say until his voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “She had said before that I could maybe start Ilvermorny next year so I could be there for exams but when she didn’t write for so long, I don’t know what I expected. But I didn’t-” he knew he was rambling. He wasn’t used to talking this much and it felt like walking a tightrope. He wasn’t sure what would happen if he fell. But he felt unsteady with every word. “Ernie, is there something wrong with me?” he choked out. It was the only thing that made sense. Obviously it was the only reason she wouldn’t come back for him. Yeah they moved a lot but that was fun. It was an adventure. Wasn’t it?

“I don’t know why she sent me here.” Ethan said pitifully. “I don't know why she’s never visited. I don’t know how she could just leave me.” His tears were coming faster now and he kept wiping at them uselessly. He thought these things all the time but he always kept them to himself and was able to brush them off, and reassure himself that everything was fine. But that was impossible now.

 

[Poppy Perkins]

beans

 

[Ernie Wilder]

Ernie dropped the letter but was clueless on what to say as each word out of Ethan’s mouth broke his heart. “Merlin!” he said with an exasperated breath. “Kid, no. Of course not.” he said quickly and reassuringly. The kid was so smart and gentle, it killed him to see him in pain like this. If he thought it would help he would go track Riley down to shake some sense into her. But he knew better. He had managed to build a stable life for himself but it was clear he couldn’t say the same for his friend. It scared him for a moment to think of a different timeline where he was just as lost.

He just had to take a deep breath and sigh. “I don’t know.” Ernie said softly and reached out to take Ethan’s hand. “Sometimes when people are ashamed of things, they don’t want anyone to see.” he tried to explain, maybe speaking from experience a little too closely.

 

[Ethan Alexander]

Ethan was fighting to calm down. He hated feeling like a crying little kid. But that’s what he was, wasn’t he? Just a kid with a mom who didn’t want him. He knew Ernie was trying to be helpful but he was too upset to even listen. But as he reached out to touch his hand, the words finally sunk in. “Ashamed?” he repeated, annoyed. He was grateful as anger flared. It cleared his mind for at least a second. “Of what?! We were happy. We were constantly on adventures and going to new places. It’s not her fault.” Ethan insisted and could feel his face flushing. Even as he said those words he had a sinking feeling he knew what Ernie was trying to say. He knew his childhood wasn’t very common. Constantly moving schools, never setting down roots. Never making friends. But it had all seemed fun back then.

 

[Ernie Wilder]

Ernie winced as Ethan snapped at him. He hadn’t chosen his words well and maybe he was projecting about his own past more than he should have. “I don’t know.” he said softly. “I don’t know what your life was like-” he started to say but was cut off before he could finish his thought.

 

[Ethan Alexander]

“Well what do you know?!” Ethan snapped again. Ernie was never this soft with him and it was getting on his nerves. He hated being talked down to and it wasn’t like Ernie had ever acted like a parent before. Just because his mom had officially abandoned him he was going to start now?

 

[Ernie Wilder]

Ernie sighed and took a moment to think about his words a bit more carefully this time. “That’s a good question. Not a lot if I’ll be honest.” he said simply and leaned into the back of his chair. “I didn’t even graduate from school.” he added. It wasn’t really a secret. He never tried to hide it but it wasn’t like it was the first thing he shared with people either. He had avoided mentioning it to Ethan in case it gave him any ideas. But it felt like they were past that now. “I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know if I could say anything to make you feel better.” he said honestly. “But-” he started to say but hesitated. “What I do know is that you’re a good kid. You’re kind and smart, and perfect just the way you are.” Ernie half expected Ethan to blow him off. If he was in the kid’s shoes he would. “And nothing that’s going on is your fault.”

 

[Ethan Alexander]

Ethan bit his lip and tears started to well up again. He was tired of this and looked down at the table. “What if I just went back anyways?” he asked quietly. He knew he was still too young to do anything on his own. But he had a job and maybe not right away but one day he could just go back home. But even as he thought up the idea he quickly realized he didn’t have a home back there. All the moving. All the adventure didn’t leave him with a place to actually call home. When he thought of home it was right here. His room. His owl. His shoes by the door.

 

[Ernie Wilder]

“Is that what you want?” Ernie asked tentatively. The thought of Ethan leaving made him feel panicky but he wouldn’t stop him. He didn’t have the authority to do that and he didn’t want to pretend that he did. All he could really do was be an open door.

 

[Ethan Alexander]

Ethan deflated. “I don’t know.” he said, although he had already nixed the idea. He just didn’t want to admit that just yet. But if this really was going to be his home there was still one other issue that had kept him up at night. “But, you and Olivia. You’re getting married. Are you even going to want me around? I could move in with Zelda and Waldo. But I like my room.” he was rambling now but after crying he felt jittery and couldn’t stop himself.

 

[Ernie Wilder]

Ernie didn’t try to reach out again no matter how badly he wanted it. “And that’s ok.” he said and tried to sound calm despite how awful the thought made him feel. He didn’t want Ethan to feel pressured one way or another. But when he brought up Olivia and the wedding Ernie furrowed his brow. “Hey hey hey. Slow down. Who said we didn’t want you around?” he asked, confused about where he even got that idea. “Nothing’s going to change bud. You can stay here as long as you want.”

 

[Ethan Alexander]

Ethan fiddled with the sleeve of his shirt and looked up from where he had been staring a hole into the surface of the table. “She said that?” he asked shyly. He hadn’t spent much time alone with Olivia and hadn’t really gotten a good read on her and how she felt about him. He realized how much of an inconvenience he was to their relationship but he was gone at school most of the year. How was he supposed to know if she liked him or not.

 

[Ernie Wilder]

Ernie let out a shaky laugh. “Yeah, and so do I.” he said. He had always tried to be honest with Ethan but he realized now he could have been a little more transparent about where he stood. He wanted Ethan in his life one way or another. “Besides, imagine what Zelda would do to me if anything happened to you.” he added, trying to lighten the mood.

 

[Ethan Alexander]

Ethan finally cracked a smile when Ernie mentioned Zelda. He had never known any of his grandparents and the same way Ernie was the closest thing to a parent he had, Zelda was the closest thing to a grandmother he had. But at least she did a better job of making her feelings known. “Right. Ok.” he said with a shaky laugh of his own. The heartache from the letter still lingered and probably would for months to come, maybe even forever. But at least he knew that this was his home and it was up to him to finally admit and embrace it.