Closed Slipped Away Into A Moment In Time

[Tristan Collins]

continued from this

As Tristan woke slowly from his sleep, his first thought was that he hadn't felt this comfortable in his bed in a long time. There was something he couldn't quite place, something familiar, something comforting. Some part of Tristan's brain was aware that he didn't want to wake up and face reality yet and fought valiantly to make him fall asleep again, but he was too awake. Slowly, he became more and more aware of his surroundings, making it more and more clear that he hadn't woken up in his own bed. That wasn't anything too shocking, but as his mind started piecing together what had happened last night, he remembered who he had run into. Tristan counted to ten in his head, then to fifty. Then... he slowly cracked one eye open and was immediately greeted by the sight of Vivian lying next to him, still peacefully asleep. Tristan felt a lot of things at once, but the most dominant emotion was anxiety. How was this going to go, now that they were both entirely sober and probably a lot more level-headed than they had been last night? Tristan was surprised to feel he didn't regret anything. Spending a moment like this with Vivian had been more than Tristan had ever expected to happen.

He tried to gather as much information without having to move, making sure to see where his things were. He saw his shoes on the floor, kicked off haphazardly. It was smart to locate everything he'd had with him quickly, in case he needed a quick exit. At least he was still wearing his watch. Tristan managed a glance at it without moving too much and alerting Vivian, thankfully it was still early. Tristan was indecisive, not sure what to do. Slowly, he decided to just... try to enjoy this. He closed his eyes again and shifted a bit closer to Vivian, trying to pretend he was still asleep.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Waking up slowly, Vivian almost wished he was more disoriented than he was. That he didn't recognise the warm body curled against his own. It would be so much easier, just imagining this was some one-off fling he had met the night before. The familiar smell of Tristan filled his head, and it was almost easy to imagine they were back in their dorm at Hogwarts, with all the pain those memories entailed. Last night had been a mistake, he had known that at a time, but facing the reality of the morning was a whole nother problem. He had one arm half-around Tristan, the other man cuddled close enough that there was no easy way to move without waking him and prompting a conversation Vivian wasn't sure he was ready for.

It had been easy to tell himself in the moment that this meant nothing; it was an end, not a beginning. It was another thing entirely, trying to figure out how he was going to say those things if Tristan hadn't got the message. It almost felt like a kindness as much to the other man as himself, letting Tristan sleep on unaware of the difficult conversation that was to come. But it couldn't last forever, and eventually a cramp in Vivian's shoulder got the best of him. He sighed softly as he rolled away from Tristan, stretching and yawning quietly, waiting to see if the other man woke up.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan stayed very still, trying to keep his breathing even. But as Vivian moved away from him, it became more difficult. He shivered, suddenly feeling cold. Slowly, he opened his eyes. He didn't want to break the moment, he wanted it to last forever. But here they were, and maybe... this could be the start of something. He squinted for a moment, the light coming in from the window brighter than he had expected. Then he looked at Vivian and gave him a tentative smile. "Good morning." He murmured, his voice rough with sleep. "Sleep well?" He asked, his voice casual even as his eyes searched Vivian's face cautiously.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian had known from the moment he woke up that he had to brace for a variety of potential reactions from Tristan. He could be... angry, regretful, dismissive, any number of hurtful behaviours that would drag Vivian right back to their years as a couple. And yet somehow, the nervous hope in Tristan's smile hurt so much more. He had seen Tristan vulnerable so many times over their years together, but never quite like this. This was new. It would be so easy to forget their entire history, to roll over and kiss Tristan again and start fresh, something brand new.

But Tristan looked exactly how Vivian had felt, so long ago, in another life. The wide-eyed hopefulness plastered across his features reminded Vivian exactly of how he had felt after their first kiss, seeing the potential for real love stretched out ahead of him. The memory nearly made Vivian sick to his stomach, and he could feel the ice seeping into his facial features. "I... slept fine." He said slowly as he sat up, wishing it wasn't true, wishing this hadn't been the best he had slept for a long time. Although Vivian had gotten much better at speaking over the last few years, the words all felt jumbled in his brain, too much and too little to say to Tristan all at once, and it was near-impossible to sort through the noise and find the right answers. He stalled by reaching for the box on the bedside table, not bothering to ask Tristan as he lit a cigarette and took a slow drag. The hit of nicotine gave him a moment to straighten out his thoughts, and he glanced at Tristan, slowly asking maybe the least pertinent question he could think of. "How are you... feeling?"

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan kept looking at Vivian's expression, he knew something was going on underneath the surface but he couldn't entirely guess what it was. He watched quietly as he grabbed a cigarette, staying quiet for now. He only spoke when Vivian asked him a question, feeling like he was still in dangerous territory. "I'm feeling good." He admitted. "I'm... happy to be here." He added, a cautious step forward. He felt his heartbeat speed up slightly, aware that he was showing his hand a bit. It was up to Vivian now to make the next move, to decide where this was going to go. If it was going to go anywhere.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Part of Vivian had hoped Tristan would dismiss him. That.. it would sting, but it would be easy. He wouldn't have to be the one to pull away. Vivian had approached this whole thing looking for closure, and tried desperately not to think about the fact that Tristan might be looking for a fresh beginning. But that fact was all too clear now, and he took another drag on his cigarette as he glanced at Tristan warily, searching for the right words. "What... do you want this to be?" He asked slowly, and they weren't the right words at all. He knew now that hearing Tristan's perspective would only make this whole thing harder, but at the same time Vivian just couldn't bring himself to be the vulnerable one, not yet. He would leave that to Tristan now, see where he was going with this.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan was waiting with bated breath for any sign from Vivian, any affirmation. But to his frustration, the other man just asked him a question again. He understood why it was difficult for Vivian to be vulnerable and open, but it was difficult for Tristan too. He couldn't help but feel like this was some sort of test. He swallowed. "I..." He swallowed. "I'd like to see you more. Like this. Be with you." He admitted finally, almost whispering the words.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Part of Vivian had hoped Tristan would blow him off, like he always had. It would hurt, of course, but it would be easier than... this. But even with those hopes, Vivian had known they were in vain. Had known deep down what this meant to Tristan, and had done it anyway. He took another drag on his cigarette to give himself time to think, letting out a slow, deep sigh. "I... can't do this again, Tristan." He said slowly, looking down at his former love. "I... this was about closure for me. I can't... let myself trust you again. You know that." It had been so easy to be callous at the bar, with years of walls built up between them, but now all Vivian could think was how easy it would be to just... sink into Tristan's arms again, to forget their past and start anew. Much too easy, and that thought terrified him. He needed to end this conversation, fast.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan had thought that Vivian had asked the question to open a door, to give him a chance. But as he said he couldn't do this again, Tristan's hope faded away. He sat up, his face flushing. "No, I don't know that." He snapped. "Did you just ask me that so I would humiliate myself? Why would you ask me that question if you don't want to anything else?" He asked, looking genuinely hurt. He forced a laugh. "In that case, well played." He said, his voice cold. He reached for his shirt and put it on. "I'll let myself out, then." He muttered.

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian knew Tristan wouldn't take his answer well, but the abrupt shift in tone shocked him nonetheless. He sighed, letting Tristan unload his frustration and hurt, already regretting his answer. "I asked because I wanted to know." He said slowly, studying Tristan's expression. "Because I was trying to... figure out how I felt. And... maybe you understand how you made me feel a little better now." He added, thinking back on the Yule Ball he had tried to ask Tristan to so long ago. Humiliated was a good term for how he had felt back then. "I didn't do this to hurt you." He added as he slid out of bed, though he knew that wasn't entirely true. Vivian started pulling his own clothes on too, delayed by Lumos sleeping peacefully on the shirt he had worn last night.

 

[Tristan Collins]

Tristan snorted and looked away, seemingly unable to look at him anymore. "You wanted to know because you wanted to see if you fooled me into having some hope." He said coldly. "Congratulations, you did. I'm impressed, as far as revenge goes. It's not bad." He told him, fixing his clothes quickly and getting up, angry at himself for daring to believe it. He let out a cold laugh when Vivian said he now understood how he'd made him feel. This had been calculated. Vivian had changed. "Right. Because the last time you humiliated me didn't do the trick." He snapped. "I'm surprised you didn't arrange an audience for it this time." He said, clearly hurt. "I've gotten the message. I'll stay clear of you from now on." He said, glancing at the cat for a moment. He felt the sudden urge to grab him and take him home. Lumos had been his cat and Vivian had just taken him years ago. But he quickly realized he just wanted to hurt Vivian, and he didn't actually want a cat at home. He barely had time to feed himself. "Please don't contact me." He told Vivian, still not able to meet his eyes. "I can't... do this."

 

[Vivian Brackenstall]

Vivian hadn't been naive enough to think that Tristan couldn't hurt him anymore, but it still came as a shock how much he cared what Tristan thought of him. "I didn't plan this." He said, almost too quickly. "I didn't know you were going to be at that bar, and I definitely wasn't planning to invite you home. This wasn't some... premeditated revenge." Like last time, he didn't add. "I just..." Just what? It was striking Vivian in horrifying waves that he didn't even know what this had been about. He wasn't wanting for company, not a problem he often found himself with these days. He hadn't been planning to hurt Tristan, definitely not. Had he- no. The thought that he had missed Tristan was not one he was prepared to entertain, even though deep down, he knew it... wasn't untrue. You didn't spend six years of your life in someone's back pocket without them leaving a deep impression on you. He recognised Tristan's cologne, the way part of his hair stuck up the wrong direction first thing in the morning before he had time to tame it, the way he stood almost too straight when he felt defensive.

The rush of memories brought with it a rush of feelings, feelings Vivian had buried for so long, and he choked for a moment with the intensity of it all. He had loved Tristan, loved him so fiercely and deeply that Vivian's teenage poetry books were filled with florid metaphors about the Tristan-shaped imprint burned deep into his very soul, a tattoo that at the time he had considered a part of his very being. He had been stupid, so stupid, to think this was a good idea, that this was something he could do at all without tracing his fingers along the lines of that emptiness at his core, recalling exactly what it was that used to fill the void. "...I'm sorry." Vivian finished slowly, shoulders slumping as he tore his eyes from Tristan, not able to take another second of looking. Their past proved all too well how disastrous it would be to move any closer, try to take back anything he had said. "I... this was... my mistake. You won't hear from me again." He was cursed. That was the only explanation there could be for his soul yearning so deeply for no one but the man who had turned his teen years into a nightmare.