Closed Settling Into an Unsettled Life

[Einar Haines]

Einar had been living with Lucas a month or so. Things were going, he would describe. He had a job at the local cafe, he was working long hours but enjoying the work. The days off he spent wandering around and doing some art, letting himself begin to engage with hobbies he'd stopped down in his travels. He was in the process of registering with a new therapist. Einar was sleeping fine in this house, slowly getting used to waking up in the same location or just not having his sleep disturbed in the ways that it had been. The man's biggest issue into settling properly remained Lucas. He felt tentative and nervous around his friend. He knew and had known that he wouldn't be able to easily pick up where they left off, but he felt like he was trying and Lucas just wasn't. Einar wasn't being impolite, but Einar also didn't feel super welcome. he arrived home after a late shift with a bag full of food. "Lucas, that's me home," he called out, as he made his way to the kitchen.​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas was feeling... torn. He'd been settled down before- it was a simple routine, but quiet. Before, he would work in the shop most of the day, poke at the usual dinner from the cafe down the road. It used to take him all day to finish a single meal. With Einar back, well, for however long, Lucas' routine was a little different. He'd had to adjust how he was eating, trying to get in a little more when he was with Einar. He still worked the same long hours, but he was also no longer alone in the evenings. He'd just come back from the shop below, and couldn't help the small smile when he heard the voice. He took a deep breath, keeping himself in check and pushing his emotions down before he shuffled to the kitchen. "Hey," He greeted softly, keeping his eyes down and a safe distance away. "Do you want help making dinner?" He offered, moving to wash his hands. He could probably do with a shower, but if Einar had brought home things he'd help make dinner first.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar made his way to the kitchen with the things he had brought from work. Making sure that he placed them down carefully and avoided getting the food everywhere. "It's okay, I brought diner left overs," he said back to him. "I've got a charm on them to keep them warm, so it's all good," he said, not wanting Lucas to feel like he had to do anything or needed to eat immediately. "I was going to get changed first before eating," he added, wanting to eat at the same time as Lucas if he could. "How long have you been home?" he asked thinking, given the time that it hadn't been too long.

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas took a small breath. Alright, so much for that idea. "Just now," He offered, starting to move away again. "I'm going to take a shower," He offered. He knew how small he sounded, how soft and demure his voice was. It was like they'd really started over- despite his stature, he was just that little boy again. Nothing more than a shadow. Only this time, he was the one putting distance between them. Maybe he should have listened to Einar all those years ago. When he'd first been warned that Einar didn't want him in his life. Lucas kept his hands in his pockets and his head down as he started to shuffle from the room.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar wasn't sure what he'd done, but the tone of Lucas' voice he knew that he had done something wrong. He glanced at him and wasn't sure what to do. There wasn't a dinner to make, and Einar just wanted to make things easier. "I was hoping to practice some art later, if you want to sit for me?" he was trying to use what spare hours he could to engage with Lucas and to work on his art. He wanted to one day be able to solely work on his art, and had learned a great deal in his travels, so it would be a way to do the two..maybe..if he hadn't ruined things for this night.

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas paused in the door as Einar spoke, never one to walk away when he was being spoken to. "Sure," He offered easily. "Let me shower, then we'll eat and I can read on the couch and you can sketch if you want," He suggested, thinking that would be enough to make Einar happy. Even after everything, maybe in spite of everything, Lucas just wanted Einar to be happy more than anything else. His own be damned.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar knew that had not gone well. He was trying his best with Lucas but it was proving to be a rather tricky thing. He nodded, he put the dinner on to plates and cast a quick spell to keep the food warm. Einar gathered the supplies he'd need for his art and then went back to the kitchen. He wasn't sure how to...make things better with Lucas. He knew it wouldn't be overnight, but he just wanted to not eel like the worlds worst friend - though Einar knew given what he'd done that he very much was.

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas took a little bit of time in the shower, just letting the hot water run over his tense muscles and trying to relax. He took a deep breath. What was he even doing? He didn't know anymore. It was hard trying to open himself back up again. He was trying to forgive Einar. Of course he understood- how could he not understand what had happened? Einar had been hurting, and had needed space. Lucas sunk down in the shower, folding his big body up and hugging his knees to his chest, shutting his eyes. This entire thing had just made him feel... worthless. Even more so than he had when he'd been growing up. At least then he'd been a scapegoat, stress relief, a punching bag for his brothers. But he'd cut himself off from them, earned his independence.

But with Einar... Lucas felt like he was nothing. No more than a burden, a lingering shadow that Einar had yet to be rid of. He sighed. He couldn't hide in the shower forever. He forced himself up and out, drying off and slipping into fresh pajamas. He wandered out, hands in his pockets and keeping his eyes down- only sparing quick glances to see where he was and where Einar may be. When he found the man, he lingered in the dooryway, keeping his eyes down. "Hey, did you still want to eat?" He asked, shuffling a little bit where he was standing.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar made sure the food was staying warm as Lucas showered. He took the time to change into comfortable clothes, he tidied up a bit and then finally heard Lucas emerge. He had brought some of his art supplies into the kitchen and then smiled at Lucas. Einar took out his wand and summoned some plats and cutlery. he took out the food and laid it out in front of them. "Yeah, let's eat," he said with a smile, inviting Lucas to sit at the table.

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas nodded and shuffled into the kitchen, folding himself down into a chair. He poked at his food, taking small bites every few minutes. "How was your day?" He offered softly, pushing his food around a little on his plate. He was trying to be better, but it was hard to just... fall back into who he was before Einar had ended everything. His heart still ached- even more noticably now that Einar had returned. There was so much that Lucas needed.

While he'd ignored it a lot better the first time he and Einar had been together, it was so starkly apparent now that it was hard to brush aside. He focused on his breathing, taking another tiny bite. He didn't want to read, or have Einar sketch him. What he wanted was something he doubted they'd ever have again. Unthinkingly, he brought his hand up into his own hair, kneading his fingers gently against his scalp at the base of his neck. He'd taken to comforting himself when he felt uneasy. Lucas had learned a long time ago that no one else would bother with it. He didn't have anyone but himself.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar watched Lucas sit down with him and begin to eat, asking a questions, but Einar wasn't sure how much Lucas wanted an answer to it. It felt like he just said it because he needed to. Einar didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to make things better. If he even could. Had he messed things up so badly that there was no coming back from it? But he just tried to not let it get him too down. "Oh it was okay. Work is work, but it's nice to have a place to come back to," he said, after having given a few examples of what had happened in his day. "Yours?"

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas listened to Einar, taking note. He commented softly on a few of the things, sipping on his drink and just keeping his hand on it. "We had a bit of a rush today, but nothing I couldn't handle," He murmured, talking about an upcoming event that required a good deal of buttoniers. When Einar had finished eating, and Lucas had pushed around enough of his food he thought that he could get away with not eating, he pushed his plate away. "You said you wanted to do some drawing?" He asked, peeking over at Einar.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar was glad that Lucas actually talked, told him about what had been happening, even if he did so fairly quietly. He finished his meal in no time, and realised as Lucas pushed his plate away that the other man had barely eaten, only adding to the problems that Einar had spotted with Lucas. "Are you not hungry?" he asked, wanting to press it and find out what was happening with Lucas. "I did want to, I'm just...if everything okay? Are we okay?" he asked, not sure if he could keep dancing around like this.

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas took a deep breath, peeking up at Einar. "It's okay, I ate a bit," He tried to reassure him. He hesitated at the question, and nodded. "We're okay," He offered up. He stood, gathering up their plates. "Why don't you get your things together? I can clean up and meet you in the living room?" He suggested. Lucas had taken to doing things by hand, keeping himself busy.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar shook his head a little. He didn't believe it. He didn't believe that they were okay. Einar reached for Lucas' wrist, just to get him to stop moving, and with a quick spell, things were cleaning on their own. "No, we're not," he said. "Something's wrong," he wasn't sure how to talk about it, or address it. Wasn't sure how to fix it. "What's wrong?"

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas paused at the touch, enjoying it far more than he probably should. He hesitated, his eyes on Einar's fingers against his skin. Slowly, gently, he brought his other hand over, watching as he brushed his fingers lightly over Einars. He kept his eyes down, just looking at the contact. "It... it's alright," He spoke slowly, his voice small. He drew his hand back. "I don't want to push anymore," He admitted, biting his lip and looking away. "Come on. You wanted to draw?" He offered, moving to stand up again.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar shook his head. "No its not," Einar replied as it seemed Lucas didn't want to talk about, didn't want to linger on it. "No push, push it," he tried to encourage. "You won't push me away," he was trying whatever he could to assure him, to make him just talk to him, make him finally admit to what he had been holding on to for all of the time that Einar had now been back for.

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas sat back down as Einar still insisted. He hesitated, silent a moment, running a hand back up into his hair. Eventually, he let out a little sigh, giving in. "It's nothing," He offered softly. "Literally, just... nothing. I went numb after graduation." He shrugged like it was normal, just looking away. "There's no more color in the world, really. The flowers... they're just flowers. Just something to do. I don't taste food. I'm just... nothing." He was playing with his hair, his eyes shut and his head hanging slightly. "I lost the light... it's all just darkness now." He smirked a bit, humorlessly. "I really am just that shadow trailing after you, now. Only this time... I'm not chasing after anything. There's no end to the darkness." He admitted, not noticing how he shrank down in his seat, how he crumpled in on himself as he spoke. Didn't hear how flat his voice was.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar felt glad when Lucas gave in and just told him. He appreciated him telling him this, knowing it was something that had clearly been on his mind, something that had been affecting every interaction they'd had since he'd come back, and there was an element to it, that as Lucas spoke, he knew he was out of his depth. This was no simple matter. But he watched him, he listened to him and then let a little silence follow what he said. Einar then reached out to him, going to put a hand on his elbow, just to give him a little thing to anchor him. "Okay, and does this make you, pull away from me?" he asked, trying to figure out if there was anything he could do to help.

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas hummed softly at the little touch, unthinkingly pressing into it just a bit. He was silent a moment before answering. "I'm not pulling away," He murmured. "I'm just... not here," He offered slowly. "I can keep my hands busy... but there's nothing in my head, really. I've just... shut down," He finally settled on, letting all pretenses and looking up to Einar with the blank look he usually held when no one was around. Even if there was an odd little warmth in his arm that felt like it was spreading from Einars' touch.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar knew that Lucas was someone who needed touch, as much as Einar had not needed it. He had gotten much better with it, when he'd been young, it had just been too much. Too often, and too often just sending him back to where he couldn't deal with it. But Einar felt lucas push into it and just kept his hand there, letting Lucas touch it. "Please don't take it this the wrong way, but I think you need to speak to someone, like a therapist," he said softly. "I know that it didn't always help me, but it can help," he really hoped Lucas wouldn't take it the wrong way.

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas just shook his head and stood, not wanting to let himself get too used to a touch that may not be there later. "I did." He countered softly. "I did for a long while. I worked through my family issues and I know who I am and what I'm dealing with. It took the pain away, mostly, but without the pain there was nothing left." He started towards the living room. "You said you wanted to draw?"

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar gave a little nod, watching as the man seemed to think he had worked through the issues he had. Einar stood up when he did, reaching again for his hand, trying to stop him leaving, exiting the conversation before he should. "I think you should go back, because having nothing left, that's not normal either," Einar replied softly. "I'll draw in a moment, I promise, just consider it? Going back to talk more,"

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas stopped, but didn't turn, his hand automatically curling a little bit around Einars. He was quiet a moment, before sighing and gently drawing his hand back. "I can't," He offered softly. "They want something that I can't give them." He admitted, voice low. "They want what I don't have anymore. And I don't know if I can find it."

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar reached for Lucas again, intending to do so every time he let go during this conversation. He wasn't sure what the words meant, or what Lucas was trying to get at. "What can't you give them?" he asked, his voice laced with confusion. Wanting to just be clear on what and why this was. Not wanting to keep dancing around it as it was clear it was something that needed solved.