Closed Not Going Back

[Einar Haines]

Einar had been having a good break from school, coming back to Alaska had been nice. He slept better, was able to be a little more what Lucas wanted and didn't find himself spiralling nearly as often. The ability to apparate too had been nice. He'd been able to go to places that he hadn't been able to go in years. Primarily he had taken a little trip alone when Lucas wasn't feeling too great and had gone to where he'd spent the first couple years of his life. He saw his old house, went to his father and brother's grave. He'd even run into an old family friend who had recognised Einar from one glance. It had been nice, and he was beginning to think that it would be good to travel, to see the world...life could be so short and he had the ability to move easily, why wouldn't he take it up...The problem was soon they were due back at school for their last year and Einar was beginning to think that he shouldn't go back.

School was bad for him, he spiralled more, he spent more time alone, he didn't interact with most people. He'd lost all drive for his education...the only reason he'd go was for Lucas and he knew he was a bad boyfriend at school. More so than at home. He knew Lucas longed for more touch, longed for more comfort, that Einar could rarely provide, and even less so at school. He knew that Lucas needed and deserved to be loved and touched openly, and not in the reserved and removed way in which Einar did. And to that, Einar knew he needed more time to heal and grow used to not thinking of his life as poison. To in part deal with his trauma and issues over touch. Things he couldn't do when around someone who did need and deserve touch. Einar walked into the bedroom where Lucas was beginning to pack for school. He had a coffee in his hands and cleared his throat. "Hey...I wanted to talk to you about something," Einar started. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas always enjoyed break. It was nice being away from school. He liked the quiet peace of Alaska. Eventually though, it was time to go back to school. He was humming softly to himself as he packed both his trunk and Einars. Lucas was just trying to do something nice. He knew they didn't have to go back to school for another week or so, but he thought it would be nice to just have things ready. Besides, he knew how Einar struggled. It was small, but Lucas liked doing what he could to take care of the other boy.

He was actually thinking of life after school as he folded some of his sweaters. They were going to be graduating this year, and he wasn't entirely sure what he wanted to do once he didn't have school. As co-captain, he thought he might have a shot at playing Professionally, or at least locally, but he wasn't sure if Quidditch was something he wanted to make a career of.

He was pulled from his thoughts as Einar came into the room, and he smiled warmly at the boy. "Sure," He agreed easily. "I packed your trunk first, so you don't need to worry about that," He offered, moving to put his sweaters into his own trunk. "I was going to go get something for dinner here in a bit, so you don't have to worry about that, either," Lucas shut his trunk and turned to face Einar, sitting on the edge of the bed. He smiled easily up at his boyfriend.

 

[Einar Haines]

Before Einar could say anything, Lucas had already started. He looked at his packed trunk and grimaced. "I'm not going back....," he blurted out after Lucas had stopped. He cringed at himself, knowing that he could've probably worded that a little better. "I don't think school is helping me...I spiral more, I get more nightmares at school. Being here has been good, really good. I think I feel trapped by school," Einar said, the more words coming than he ever expected and he knew it was because he was trying to soften the blow somewhat for Lucas. "I don't get better at school.....but I think I can if I don't go back. Who needs NEWTs anyway?" it was clear in Einar's body language that he wouldn't bend on this, his mind had been made up and he felt almost relieved to finally say it. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Of all the things that Einar could have said, Lucas wasn't expecting that. Lucas blinked, stunned, sitting quietly for several long moments. His mouth opened and shut again a few times for a few seconds. After a moment, he cleared his throat and stood. He walked over to stand by Einar, considering his words.

"I... er... you're... not coming back?" He asked quietly, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I... okay," Lucas spoke slowly. He pulled one hand out, gently reaching for Einar a brief second before pulling his hand back. "I support you. Always." Lucas spoke softly, his eyes a little glossy. He let out a slow breath. "I... I'm going to miss you..." He gave Einar a shaky smile.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar was a little surprised with how well Lucas took it. He had expected a bit more shouting, maybe a bit more anger, but he seemed to immediately agree with it, immediately sign up to it. He looked at him with a little frown. "Really, just like that...?" Einar said, he should've expected this reaction, Einar knew that Lucas tended to go along with what he was saying, didn't often not say yes when it came to Einar looking out for himself.

"Lucas...we need to take a break....you just...immediately agreed, but I know this upsets you, I know I upset you when I can't, reprociate touch....you are allowed to be mad at me....but you'd just always agree with me, always just go along with it. I'm not good for right now, and you aren't good for me either," Einar spoke quickly, getting all of the words out, knowing that he couldn't stop and wait for a response. "We can take this year, go our own ways, heal on our own... and then be better together," Einar hoped that Lucas wouldn't be too sad about it, he was sort of hoping Einar would get mad. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas rubbed the back of his neck. "Well..." He tried to defend himself, but Einar pushed on before he could. If Lucas had been upset before, he felt like his heart was shattering as Einar went on. "What?" He squeaked. "No! What are you- I can't- why-" He shook his head, taking a small step closer. "Einar, what, no..." Lucas stammered a moment. "Did I do something? I can... I can do better, I don't... I mean, yeah, not touching can be hard, but... but I'm used to that, it's okay, it's... I can fix it, I'm sorry," He pleaded gently, his eyes welling up. "I... I'll stay, who needs school, I don't have to go, please Einar..." he bit his lip. "Don't leave me behind..." He begged the other boy, starting to panic a bit.

 

[Einar Haines]

If anything Lucas' reaction was a bit of a relief to Einar. He hadn't wanted Lucas to just accept it, he needed him to want things for himself. But the way he was, what he was saying Einar just shook his head a little. "Lucas, no, you belong at that school, you've done so much work, played so much quidditch," he told him with a little smile, "You need to stay, do your NEWTS and graduate," he told him. He knew that for Lucas he wanted Einar there. "School is bad for me, and us....I see how you are when I don't touch you...or give you that affection...I know I can't be there for you like you want me to, and it's not fair on you..." Einar told him with a sincere and apologetic tone. "I can't yet be who you need me to be, and it's not fair on you. I have to heal, and deal with my trauma and you need to be around people who are able to be there for you, I'll be back....I promise," Einar told him. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas shook his head at Einar's argument. "Einar, no, I don't need Quidditch or school. I joined the team just to be with you and I stayed on because I thought it would make you proud of me if I was good at it," He explained. He felt frantic, almost desperate. Einar was Lucas' whole world. Lucas didn't care what happened to him, he needed Einar, and he was scared. Lucas had never had anything good in his life, he was just... really afraid that if he let Einar go, Lucas would never see his love again.

"I just want a flower shop, I don't need anything from school for that, I can do that, I can open a flower shop and stay here," He tried to argue back, his hands shaking. "You can still go, travel, do stuff, I can just be here, you know, waiting, you can visit, you don't have to go," He tried, not noticing his tears spilling over. He clenched his fists as he fought the urge to grab Einar and hold him tight. "Einar, please, please, don't- don't leave me behind, please, I- I need you," Lucas pleaded gently, his heart aching. Einar was his family, his home. The only one Lucas had ever known.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar couldn't help but be pleased at Lucas' anger, his desperation and feel relief. "No, Lucas, you should go to school," He should be annoyed and frustrated, but it was also helping show his point. He looked at him and shook his head, "Lucas, listen to yourself.....you would bend over backwards for me, but what about you," he told him with an almost frustrated tone. "This is not me leaving you behind, but....just leaving, and letting us both be alone...heal....we can't do that together. If we do, I know we'll never get better," Einar told him with a final tone. "I'm just going to not go back, I'll see you off and we'll see each other again. I promise you Lucas, I'll be back,"​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas knew Einar was right. He did. But that didn't mean he liked it. He took a few steps back, sighing and running both hands into his hair. He sighed and fell back to sit on the floor at the foot of his bed. He sighed deeply, sniffling. "Just... promise me," He looked up at Einar, tears in his eyes. "You just... you have to come back." He pleaded gently. "Just... please,"

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar gave a little nod, he wanted to reach out and touch him, but felt he shouldn't, it would probably be a mixed signal. "I promise you Lucas, I'll be back," he told him, and his tone was certain and serious. He needed time but he'd be back, and they'd be able to be better together. He'd get over some of his problems, deal with others. The teen gave a little smile. "I'll get us some dinner," he said, turning to leave the room, give Lucas some time and space to be alone. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas just let Einar go, needing the time to himself. He cried for a bit, feeling absolutely dejected and broken. He wasn't sure how much time passed, but eventually, he began to calm down. Lucas took a moment, going to the bathroom and washing his face, straightening his hair. He didn't want to look as absolutely torn up as he felt.

He walked out and immediately caught Einars eye. Lucas took a deep breath and walked over. "Alright, I... look, I get it." He shoved his hands into his pocket and scuffed his toe against the carpet, staring down at his feet. "I need to finish school and you need time. Okay. I don't like it, but okay..." He sighed, peeking at Einar for a moment before looking away again. "Just... give me a few more days. Please?" He pleaded gently. "Just until I go back. I'll go to school and you'll... do whatever, and we can break up, or whatever, just... not yet," He bit his lip, staring hard at the ground. He knew he must look like a kicked puppy, but he couldn't help himself. His entire heart hurt, and he knew he was going to spend the entire train ride back crying.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar smiled and gave a little nod, "Okay Lucas, we'll stay together till the summer is over," he could give him that much, he could do that. It wasn't like his own feelings for Lucas would just immediately vanish, he needed this time, but he would figure things out for himself. His feelings wouldn't vanish but he knew that the distance would make things a bit easier. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas let out a slow sigh, nodding quietly. "Thank you," He breathed. He hesitated, his fingers twitching as he resisted the urge to reach out and touch Einar. After a moment, Lucas took a very small step closer. "Can I have a kiss? Just something small?" He asked gently, biting his lip. Maybe it was too much to ask. He was shifting nervously on his feet.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar thought about it for a moment. He wasn't sure it was the best idea, but he felt like given all he was doing to Lucas that it might not be a bad idea to do it. He gave a little nod, "Okay," he leaned in and pressed a little kiss to Lucas' lips. "I'll leave you to packing," he said as he pulled away and then headed back to the kitchen. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas' breath caught, and he kissed Einar back easily, resisting the urge to follow after him and prolong the touch as he always did. He sighed as the boy left the room. Packing. Right. Lucas haphazardly threw everything into the trunk and sat on it, his emotions whirling. Why did he feel like this was the end? Einar had told him it wasn't. But Lucas couldn't help but feel like this was Einar's way of saying goodbye. Permanently. Trying to push those feelings aside. Lucas picked up his journal and opened to a fresh page. He hesitated a moment before writing a list.

What I Want

• I don't want Einar to be afraid anymore
• I want Einar to be happy
• I want Einar to be able to hold my hand without being overwhelmed
• I want Einar to stay with me
• I want Einar to love me

Lucas looked at his list, realizing as he re-read it that there wasn't a single thing that wasn't wrapped around Einar. He bit his lip, crossed it out, and slowly tried again. What did he want?

• I want to learn more about flowers.
• I want to grow out my hair.
• I want to wrap up in big, soft hoodies.
• I want to make more friends.
• I want Einar to keep in touch.

Lucas looked over his list again, biting his lip. It wasn't a lot, but... that had to be something, right? Holding his journal to his chest, he padded out after Einar to see what he was cooking. "Einar?" He asked gently. "Will you still write to me? Postcards, maybe?" He asked, feeling a little guilty for doing so but pressing on. "I... I want... to make sure you're still okay. I know... you need to do this, and I understand, but... you're all I have. You can't just... leave me alone. I... I need this. Just... a postcard sometimes. Please?" He pleaded, scared Einar would say no.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar set about making food, the novelty of a freely av ailable kitchen and the ability to make what he wanted not entirely lost on him yet. He was finishing something off as Lucas appeared behind him. He glanced round at the boy, admittedly feeling bad for everything but knowing he needed to stiuck to it. He was doing the right thing even if it felt a little awful. He listened to what he was asking and nodded. Though he wasn't sure how often he would write, he could at least offer it. "Yeah, I will," he agreed with ease. It was an easy thing to agree with and he would do his best to do it, as often as he could. ​