Closed No Other Sadness in the World Would Do

[Louis Alcott]

Louis was feeling strange. The graduation ceremony was winding down, some people were leaving already while others were still chatting. His dad was still talking to his uncle, and Louis had just spoken to his sister. It had been nice to talk to Giulia, but it was sad to leave her behind here. He folded his hands behind his back and sighed, looking up at the evening sky on the ceiling. It was so strange to think this might be the last time he saw the sky this way. Though he knew he'd be back in a year for Giulia's graduation. It was still strange.

 

[Caleb Thorne]

Caleb got up from his seat and stretched his arms up into the air. He was done. He was free, and eager to get out of here. But as he scanned the crowd for his family he spotted Louis first. He was standing by himself and looking rather shy, not like the arrogant boy he had come to know. For a moment Caleb weighted his options and in the end he sighed and walked toward his friend. Deep down he knew he would regret not clearing the air before whatever came next. Louis was looking at the ceiling so Caleb nudged his shoe to get his attention. "Take a picture it'll last longer." he teased, but his voice was soft.

 

[Louis Alcott]

Louis had seen Caleb as he approached, even though he was looking up. Somehow, he always seemed to be aware of what Caleb was doing. But he didn't look at the other boy until he nudged him, feeling his heart jump slightly. Ever since René had told Caleb Louis was in love with him, Louis had avoided him, like a coward. But he didn't feel the urge to run away now. It was a day for endings, and Louis hoped it wasn't also the end of their friendship. But he knew they had to talk about it. "I don't have a camera, or I would." He said honestly. "Hi." He added, looking away again. "Sorry for... avoiding you."

 

[Caleb Thorne]

Caleb didn't know what he expected form Louis as he approached. But a genuine response and an apology wasn't it. But what did he really know anymore. He was obviously clueless. Caleb had felt a whirlwind of emotions when Rene had told him the truth. Shock, anger, a brief moment of happiness, and then back to frustration. He usually hated anytime he felt left out of something but he wondered if he would have been better off kept in the dark. His feelings for Louis had been so complicated once and now that he was in a better place it was all tangled up again. "Oh so you can speak!" he said with mock surprise. "For a moment I thought you'd forgotten how. Or at least how to speak to me."

 

[Louis Alcott]

Louis groaned and looked at Caleb, nudging him with his arm. "Stop." He muttered. "I was embarrassed." Humiliated was probably a better word for it, René really had just thrown around his most private feelings like it was nothing. "I'm still pissed at René." He added, glancing to the other side of the hall where he was. "I- I should've gotten to tell you in my own time. Though that might have been never." He added, casting a glance at Caleb again. A slightly hopeful one. "But maybe it's... good. That you know."

 

[Caleb Thorne]

Caleb tried not to react as Louis nudged him. "So...it's embarrassing to love me." he said dryly. He knew he wasn't being fair. But after being so vulnerable when they called off what every they were, he didn't feel like being particularly forgiving. At least not right now. There was a time when hearing Louis loved him would have been the best thing in the world, even if their relationship was still undefined he would at least have felt special. Caleb frowned when Louis brought up Rene and admitted that he might not ever been honest with him. It pissed him off but he couldn't exactly say he would have done any different. He took a deep breath. "And how do you feel now, right now?" he asked and turned to look Louis right in the eye. They had never been good at being honest with each other but maybe they could change that.

 

[Louis Alcott]

Louis choked at Caleb's words, looking at him with wide eyes. "Wh- no!" He said hurriedly. "That's not what I meant. It's embarrassing to have it thrown around by someone else without my permission when I wasn't ready!" He said, stumbling over his words slightly. Was that really what Caleb thought? Louis' heart ached. He knew he hadn't explained himself well, or really... at all yet. But surely Caleb didn't really think that badly of him. "I still feel the same." He said softly. "I mean. To say." He faltered. He knew he had to say it. While looking Caleb in the eye. "I mean. I am in love with you." He said finally, feeling utterly terrified to say it.

 

[Caleb Thorne]

Caleb deflated slightly as Louis rushed to reassure him. He shook his head. He hadn't actually thought that's what Louis was implying. Even if he knew he wasn't that smart and hadn't really excelled at anything in school. Even his final duelling win had been under less than ideal circumstances. But he knew Louis didn't care about that. "I'm sorry. And you're right, Rene shouldn't have done that." he admitted, looking down at his shoes and kicking his toe into the floor.

As he waited for Louis' answer Caleb held his breath. He wasn't sure what he wanted the answer to be. Part of him wanted him to say no and that the feelings had passed and they could just go back to being friends like nothing had happened at all. Both of them had been embarrassed. Now they were even. But then there was the selfish part of him that wanted Louis to say yes, and for once he could have the upper hand, as bittersweet as it would be. When Louis finally said it, the words hit Caleb like a train. "Ok." he whispered as he tried to catch his breath and make sense of his racing thoughts.

 

[Louis Alcott]

Louis felt incredibly vulnerable, like he had torn his heart out of his chest and hopefully offered it to Caleb. And so far, all Caleb had said was 'ok'. Louis stared at him hopefully, taking a deep breath. He wasn't sure if there was more to say, but Louis was used to talking his way into getting what he wanted. Or at least to get himself out of bad situations. "I realized it months ago, but I've never... never felt that way before. So it freaked me out." He admitted. "I think I even felt it when- when we were... you know. I just didn't know it. I was such an idiot."

 

[Caleb Thorne]

Caleb took his time and for once in his life tried to think before he spoke. There was a time he would have relished in hearing Louis say he was in love with him, even if he didn't feel the same. He wasn't sure if he ever really loved Louis, at least not in the same way. It was clear his infatuation with him was based on something but it was so clouded by pride and a need to be seen, that it was hard to tell what the truth was. But there was still that something, lingering and whispering to him now. Maybe one day their timing would be right. Maybe one day they'd finally meet on even ground. But it wasn't today. Against his better judgement Caleb didn't say a thing and instead reached out for Louis' face and kissed him.

 

[Louis Alcott]

Louis wasn't sure what he wanted Caleb to say. But he had hope. Hope that this whole thing would finally come to a good end. They had each taken turns pining after the other, surely they had earned their happy ending now. Louis felt his heart leap as Caleb reached for his face. He leaned in and closed his eyes as Caleb kissed him. He smiled against his lips, sure this meant Caleb felt the same way. Sure this meant it would all work out perfectly. He wondered what it would be like to have a steady boyfriend. He thought he might like it.

 

[Caleb Thorne]

Caleb had forgotten how nice it was to kiss Louis and for a moment he was tempted to lean in, pretend that he still felt the same way, play along with whatever they thought a relationship looked like. Neither of them actually knew what they were doing. With a resolve he didn't know he had, Caleb pulled away and pressed his forehead against Louis'. "I care about you." he said slowly, and it was true. "But I don't think we're good for each other." Caleb's throat felt suddenly tight and he had to clear his throat. "I think we need to figure out who we are apart. I've always had you in my head, around every corner. I just-" he struggle with what he wanted to say next. "You're my best friend. And I need you to be my friend for a while."

 

[Louis Alcott]

Louis' heart was fluttering as they kissed, and it still didn't get the message when Caleb pulled away and touched his forehead to his with that terrible serious expression on his face. But once Caleb opened his mouth, it stopped fluttering and did a deep-dive, ending up somewhere below his stomach. Louis stared at Caleb, his silly smile fading from his face. "Oh." He said, feeling suddenly very stupid. "Oh. I- I thought..." He swallowed. "You couldn't have- have said that instead of kissing me?" He asked, forcing a laugh. He was trying to make a joke, to make light of the situation, but he knew it wasn't really working. "I mean, it's- it's fine? It's fine." He backed off slightly, just so they weren't touching anymore. "If- if- um. If that's what you need." Louis smiled, determined not to show how much it hurt. Something in his chest was burning, and Louis felt like he might burst into tears any moment. He was going to do that in private, though. Not in front of Caleb. Louis let out another laugh, but it sounded sad even to himself. "F*ck, we are bad at timing." He whispered. He rubbed his hand over his face.

 

[Caleb Thorne]

Caleb felt guilty as he saw Louis' face drop. "Sorry." he blurted out quickly. "I guess.....I guess I was just making sure." he said in a weak defense. He was pretty sure he had kissed him one last time because he still could. As a goodbye of sorts. He still wanted to be friends but he was sure that part of their relationship was over for good. He needed to see a world beyond Louis and he had started to, but it would be different once they were out in the real world. "I think it's what we both need." Caleb insisted, trying to be firm but kind. Which wasn't something he was great at. "We really are." he said with a laugh. He bit his tongue before he could say maybe one day they'd get it right. He didn't know what the future held for them, and he didn't want to give Louis or even himself false hope.

 

[Louis Alcott]

Louis winced as Caleb said the kiss had just been him making sure he wasn't in love with Louis. His heart had left his body and had somehow managed to find its way under Caleb's heel. He swallowed hard. "Right." He said, nodding vaguely as Caleb said it was what they both needed. Louis wasn't sure he agreed, but... he knew he wasn't going to change Caleb's mind. "That's fine." He said again. Then he realized he had to get out of there before he did burst into tears. "I uh, gotta go. My dad's calling to me." He said, pretending to see his dad over Caleb's shoulder. "See you around." He said, smiling weakly before rushing off.