Long Lost Feeling

[Knox Ivers]

RP set on the night of the y38 Yule ball.

Knox’s stomach twisted with nausea and his chest was heavy with an indescribable sinking feeling as he walked out of the great hall and into the quietness of the courtyard, under the assumption Simon was following him. It was a sick coincidence that the courtyard had been the setting of their first conversation, paired with their first kiss all that time ago. But Knox tried to expel the thought from his brain, focusing not on the history he and Simon shared and the surprisingly still open wound of Simon’s rejection of him, and instead on the situation at hand when he reached a secluded corner so they could talk. So Knox could ask what on earth had possessed Simon to bother him and Clifton on their anniversary. It felt as if Simon was taunting him, that Simon wanted to ruin what had otherwise been a happy night and one of the happiest year’s of Knox’s life. But Knox had no idea if that was even true, regardless of everything else he was feeling.

“What’s your problem?” Knox began, his voice stuttering slightly as he turned around to speak. He felt many things at once and it was impossible to keep himself calm and in check, as much as he wanted to. Knox had avoided Simon and the hurt of Simon rejecting him for over a year, and he had found someone who he cared about, someone that made him happy and cared about him in return. The experience of Simon waltzing out of nowhere and mocking it all was a metaphorical slap in the face and a squeeze of his heart he’d rather not admit. It was a reminder of the mess he had avoided acknowledging or thinking about for the sake of being happy. It was feelings Knox locked away in a box of someone that didn’t like him back and feelings he had forgotten about, to prioritize Clifton who did like him and who cared about everything he was. Because that was what mattered, Clifton who was his boyfriend and who liked him back and made him happy, and it was this thought Knox focused on as he tried to confront Simon and figure out whatever had caused Simon to approach them that night in what seemed like an attempt to ruin it all.​

 

[Simon Thorne]

Simon had been truly baffled when Knox stormed off and motioned for him to follow. He wasn't sure why he his feet had betrayed him and followed the Gryffindor out into the courtyard. His brain was screaming at him to turn around, to leave and go back to his date. A date he was actually quite enjoying against all the odds. But now his feet were firmly planted in the courtyard with Knox. The irony of this kind of conversation happening here was not lost on him as he sighed. He focused on his irritation over this dramatic detour, rather than the way his heart beat faster when he thought about how alone they were.

"My problem?" he asked incredulously. "I don't have a problem. You seem to be the one throwing a fit over a friendly conversation." he said, acting innocent. There was something dark and ugly that reared its head when he saw Knox and Clifton together, knowing it was their anniversary and only their anniversary because of him. Because he had turned Knox and tonight those feelings had gotten the better of him.

 

[Knox Ivers]

Knox didn’t like the way he felt. His heart sank in his chest and his stomach churned in a gut feeling that something was wrong. That there was something underneath Simon’s denial he had a problem, that he wasn’t being honest in his answer. That there was more to Simon’s intentions to approach him and Clifton that night. Knox wasn’t usually a logical person and had always been far from it, but both his gut and the rational side of his brain was telling him it couldn’t be a coincidence Simon had approached him and Clifton that night, especially after the radio silence between him and Simon for the past year, and the fact it was Knox and Clifton's anniversary. Knox had been avoiding talking to Simon and it was obvious. What was also obvious to Knox was Simon’s rejection of him. There was nothing Knox felt he needed to say to Simon, and after realizing Simon liked the time they spent together, but not him as a person he didn’t have an obligation to. It had hurt to hear that Simon didn’t like him but he gathered it was a sign to move on and he had, with literal liquid luck causing him to run into Clifton and get to know him.

Simon approaching them that night after what happened hardly seemed like a ‘friendly conversation’, even if he claimed it was. There was history there and Knox didn’t believe he and Simon were on the same page enough for any conversation, let alone one masked as being friendly. Knox felt he had no option but to confront it all. To ask directly and get whatever problem was in the way solved so they could move on and Knox could get back to celebrating with his boyfriend. “We haven’t talked for a year. Why now? Why tonight?” He blurted out. “Why not in any of the brotherhood meetings, or classes? Or even at Halloween?” Knox added, unable to keep himself from frowning and crossing his arms over his chest at how much the situation was bothering him.​

 

[Simon Thorne]

Simon had been doing alright at keeping a cool demeanor as Knox started to question him again but his facade was cracking slowly and he frowned at the other boy. "Why do you think I need some ulterior motive to talk to you?" he asked again and threw up his hands in exasperation. It was a deflection at best and he was trying to make Knox sound ridiculous. Simon was feeling trapped and he didn't like it. He didn't know how to answer those questions without reveling more than he wanted to even admit to himself. "You haven't' tried to talk to me either!" he pointed out quickly with more hurt in his voice than he expected and he swallowed hard. "Well maybe I wanted to talk to Clifton. We had a pretty interesting conversation the other day." he suggested with a sharp grin. Simon couldn't believe he had brought that up but his racing mind was looking for something, anything he could throw at Knox to make this conversation end faster or at least get his attention off of him.

 

[Knox Ivers]

Knox couldn’t keep himself from frowning further and opening his mouth slightly in a mix of shock, and confusion at Simon’s response. In his mind it wasn’t his responsibility to break the ice first and start to turn whatever connection they once had into a friendship, if it could even be considered a connection. It was Simon who didn’t like him back, and Knox thought that by avoiding talking to Simon and moving on, he was respecting Simon’s wishes. He unfolded his arms, his hands clenching into fists at his side. “I haven’t wanted to talk to you.” He snapped back before he realized. He wished he had been able to stop himself, but before he could even dwell on that thought he was thrown another curve ball.

The idea of Clifton and Simon having a conversation in any context seemed ridiculous, and out of the blue. Knox was sure Clifton would have mentioned any conversation or interaction if there was one. But then again, it wasn’t up to Clifton to tell him everything, and as great as it would be, Knox couldn’t spend every minute of his time with Clifton. As out of the blue as it seemed it wasn’t impossible for Clifton and Simon to run into each other around the castle and talk. Shaking his head at the idea, Knox tried to dismiss it. He was feeling distracted enough already by the different things being told to him, and wanted to focus on why he was talking to Simon in the first place. “It’s still not okay. You clearly know what this night means and we were minding our own business.” Knox sighed, rubbing his face in frustration and trying not to raise his voice in case it drew any attention to them. “Why are you doing this?” Knox asked, rewording his question slightly, on the off chance it might give him an answer.​

 

[Simon Thorne]

Simon's calm facade flattered as Knox admitted he hadn't wanted to talk to him. He knew it shouldn't matter but the words cut deeper then he could have ever imagined. Did that mean he actual cared more about what they had then Knox did? That was much too embarrassing for him to consider right now and he swallowed hard again. He shouldn't have been surprised. Why would Knox care about him? He hadn't done anything worth caring about. But there had been something, despite all his detachment, he had felt something and he hated to think that was all in his head. Simon rolled his shoulders and straightened his posture, not about to let himself slip up again. His expression was harder now, and was growing tired of this whole conversation. If Knox really didn't care about him why was he even trying to be nice. "Weird he didn't mention it to you." he said as he crossed his arms over his chest, acting unbothered as usual to the other boy's frustration. "Why does that bother you so much?" he asked with a harsh laugh before sighing heavily. "What do you want me to say? I wanted to ruin your special night and make it all about me. Maybe it should be!" Simon said excitedly and clapped his hands together once. "I mean it's only because I wouldn't go to a stupid dance that you're even together. You should be thanking me not yelling at me." he added, and placed a hand on his chest as if this whole conversation was truly hurtful.

 

[Knox Ivers]

Knox wasn’t yelling, and with as much effort as it took, he was trying not to. But when Simon told him he was, he wanted to yell. He wanted to scream and yell and be honest about everything but for the sake of keeping their conversation private he continued to try and keep his voice down as he dug his nails into his palms. “I’m not yelling.” Knox responded with gritted teeth, still attempting to keep his cool even when he was on the edge of losing it. “Why we’re together has nothing to do with you, nothing had anything to do with you until you jumped into it.” Knox added, still gritting his teeth together. He reminded himself to breathe and try and stay calm but it was eventually too much for him to handle. Simon avoiding answering his question was too much for him to handle.

“I want an answer! An honest answer!” Knox then finally yelled, stepping forward and almost moving his hands to Simon’s arms to shake some sense into him or push Simon away out of frustration, but he kept himself from it. He continued to keep some of his distance. “The dance wasn’t stupid, and me and Clifton have nothing to do with you. We never did, and it’s none of your business. You’re not telling me why you think it is!” He sighed and shook his head, moving a hand to cover his face. “You either liked me, or never did. You told me you liked speaking time with me, and not me. So I moved on. I found someone who does like me. It’s not hard to put together.” Knox ran a hand through his hair and sighed again. “So, why are you doing this? Why are you trying to ruin me moving on?” Knox added, crossing his arms again. He wanted an actual answer and would continue to repeat the question until Simon actually gave him an answer instead of trying to dance around it. “It’s not up to me to thank you for that.” He then added, retreating to talking through gritted teeth again as he waited for an answer.​

 

[Simon Thorne]

Simon simply rolled his eyes as Knox argued his points. The other boy might be right but he wasn’t about to admit that, not now. Now that he was really getting a rise out of him. So he shut down more and tried to look bored as Knox finally yelled even though it took everything Simon had not to flinch at the sound. “What do you want me to say?” he asked finally, his voice dripping with disdain. He was tired and just wanted this over with now. It was clear he had been wrong and wasn’t interested in wallowing in it or arguing all night. If Knox truly hated him he was perfectly content with making it stick. “Would you like to hear that I’m trying to come between you two because I still have feelings for you? How pathetic?” he said softly, and even chuckled. "Have you considered that maybe I’m just not nice? That I just don't like you, and maybe I don’t like seeing you happy with someone else.” he said dryly, but his composure wavered as the last thing he said carried a bit more truth than he intended.

 

[Knox Ivers]

It was difficult for Knox to continue yelling when Simon wasn’t yelling back, as frustrating and nauseating as the conversation was. Knox lowered his voice again, although couldn’t hold back the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling in his chest and stomach and how it showed as he spoke. “I want you to give me a real answer.” He responded, Simon’s words affecting him deeply and causing his mind to run at a mile a minute. He didn’t know what he wanted to hear, the more he thought about it. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear that Simon didn’t like him, or did like him. He didn’t know if he even wanted to know the truth and what it really meant. He didn't know what a real answer was, or what he wanted it to be. He then felt his heart sink further, as a shiver ran down his spine. He realized Simon was right, he was pathetic for letting his sudden emotions rule his actions. He was pathetic for not stopping to think that the heat of the moment and the many things he was feeling were a distraction from the truth, and even if he thought he was looking for one truth as he picked Simon’s actions apart, he was avoiding another. Knox tried to breathe and calm down, looking away from Simon and to the dark and otherwise empty courtyard around them as the reality of his actions hit him. Suddenly feeling vulnerable as he realized how obvious the truth was to everyone other than himself, Knox stepped away and stayed quiet, trying to process the haze of everything he was feeling.

Knox was realizing he had made a mistake in trying to confront Simon. He had realized that regardless of Simon’s actions, his own actions told more about himself than he realized or cared to admit. He had walked himself blindly into a trap that was a confrontation with his own feelings and didn’t like the outcome. He was overwhelmed. He was dishonest. He still had feelings for Simon. He was dating Clifton. Knox felt his face heat up in a flush as he stepped further back, leaning against a nearby pillar. “Oh no.” Knox spoke as the truth of his own feelings dawned on him, unable to keep his thoughts silent as he attempted to process them. He felt terrible in every way, realizing he hadn’t been honest with himself and that Clifton who he cared about was caught in the crossfire. He felt like an awful person, and a hypocrite for confronting Simon. Even if none of it was conscious or intentional until that moment, he was guilty of having feelings for someone that wasn’t his boyfriend. “I never stopped liking you.” He eventually admitted, feeling terrible in every way possible and cringing at his words. Knox knew he wasn’t the smartest person on earth, but he didn’t think he was stupid enough to find himself in the situation he was in, and especially not stupid enough to be so oblivious and have it be completely his fault.​

 

[Simon Thorne]

Simon almost lost his cool when Knox asked him again for a real answer. They were going in circles now. He wasn’t sure what he had to do to get it through to the other boy that what he was saying was true, at least mostly true. He was bitter and jealous and seeing the two of them together had pushed him over an edge. Simon was just about to say as much but he hesitated as he watched Knox go pale. His breathing had changed and his expression looked less angry and more...panicked. When the other boy took a step back Simon narrowed his eyes. “You look like you’re going to be sick.” he said coldly, wondering what he was trying to do. It was a bizarre tactic and it wasn’t working. But his next words caused him to stop short. “You what?!” he blurted out, far too loudly for the courtyard that seemed eerily quiet after his outburst.

Simon stood there frozen as the reality of those words changed everything. He blinked rapidly as if that would make the situation any clearer. “Well, that explains a lot.” he said softer now. He was tempted to keep going and gloat about being right. But to his surprise he wasn’t angry anymore. He was tired, but he was also right and Knox did care about him, still. He wondered if he should return the favor and confess he hadn’t stopped thinking about him either. HE considered it slowly but the words felt stuck, not just in his throat but his chest. It was tight, constricting and it wasn’t about to easy up any time soon. Simon swallowed hard. But it was Clifton who was Knox’s date tonight and he had done enough damage for one evening. The silence between them dragged until he eventually spoke again. “I think we both have dates we should get back too.” he said, in a much gentler voice than he had used all night, even to Juniper. He had wanted to throw a wedge between them and it apparently worked. Maybe too well. But he hesitated and watched Knox closely.