Closed Is it Happening Again?

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Padme Hume

class of 2055 ; Mākutu Dinette Waitress
 
Messages
602
OOC First Name
Emzies
Blood Status
Muggleborn
Relationship Status
Single
Sexual Orientation
not certain
Wand
Alder Wand 13 3/4" Essence of Dragon Heartstring
Age
5/2037 (20)
Padme had been nervous, though the rose she had recieved from Ilija had reassured her somewhat, a large part of her didn’t particularly trust him. She wanted him there, she wanted to spend the time with him. THey were dating, and she wanted just one dance they could actually attend together. Halloween didn’t really count. But, this time around, after it seemed he wasn’t going to show she’d ventured a little into the hall and put herself at the nearest drinks and snacks table and decided to just wait there. That way she was in the hall, and participating a bit, but she was also close enough to the exit that she was able to spot when he showed, if he showed. She wasn’t sure what she would do if he didn’t. She knew that he found such things difficult, she knew that was supposed to be patient with him, she knew that was probably putting him under too much pressure and that was only making things worse. She’d read about giving them space, about knowing that while she might want to do something and that they might that it wouldn’t mean that they could do it. Ut was difficult for her to not get frustrated with him. With it. If he didn’t show up she knew that she’d probably be keen to break up. He needed time to work on whatever was going on without her being around. It was a slightly sad thought on her mind as she waited for him to appear, almost thinking that her relationship was about to end.
 
Ilija felt absolutely awful. He was already starting to worry about what Padme might think as he'd been getting ready for the dance, and now that he was on the way towards the Great Hall, he knew he was running late. Surely the fact he was making it at all was going to be what counted, especially since if this was his choice he'd still be back up in his dormitory. He didn't want to be surrounded by kids, loud noises and people that were oblivious to everyone except themselves, but this is what Padme wanted and since he had a lot of making up to do after the Yule Ball, turning up to be with her for this night was the least he knew he should do. Things between them were tense and awkward, and they'd still not really reached any sort of closure after their last events fiasco. He tried to flatten his hair as he approached the Great Hall, conscious of how he looked, how he was standing, and whether or not he looked as though he had enjoyment written across his face. Padme was bound to see straight through him if he couldn't convince her fully that he was having fun. This time she wasn't in the doorway as she said she had been at the ball. It seemed as though she'd taken his advice and gone in without him anyway this time. Entering the room, he tried to ignore everyone else and the sickening feeling in his stomach, searching the crowds for the third year. He was trying not to get overwhelmed at the fact he might not find her at all, and that he'd end up stuck here in a room full of people he didn't really want to talk to. How long should he wait before turning around? Eventually his eyes laid on the Hufflepuff, and he walked quickly across to his girlfriend, "Hi," he knew he was late, but he was here, wasn't he?
 
Padme was a little surprised when Ilija finally turned up, she had half expected him to not turn up. She’d been worried about it, unsure if she should trust him but he was here now that had to count for something. ”Hey Ilija,” there was a vague annoyance in her tone, she had been made to wait, but he was here now. That was what mattered. Though the words from Maddox early in the day were loud in her mind, love was not just about roses, it was about being there for people, not letting them down. She looked at Ilija and could tell that he wasn’t particularly comfortable with this, and though she wanted to dance and engage with everything but it seemed that he probably wasn’t in the mood for it. She also felt a little bad about the pink rose she had sent him in comparison with the red rose she had gotten him. ”Thanks for coming,” the teen said, a little anger still in her tone, ”At least this time you arrived, I thought I’d end up being here alone again,” She looked at him, ”Shall we got to the courtyard, it’s pretty busy here,” she put the cup down and headed out of the hall and to the courtyard.
 
As Ilija listened to Padme, he couldn’t help but feel worse as her tone gave off the impression she still wasn’t happy with him, even though he was there in person which really is what had been asked of him. Ilija hadn’t been there for long when the third year suggested they go outside. Was that really what she wanted to do right now? He swallowed nervously, following his girlfriend out the room although she wasn’t exactly waiting for him to catch up. She wasn’t wrong, it was busy, but Ilijas heart rate suddenly quickened as he got the feeling something wasn’t quite right. Once outside, it was true that it was easier to feel more like himself, but he looked to Padme and tried to stop the shaking that was running through his muscles. “You look great by the way.” He added, trying his best to carry on as though there wasn’t any tension between them.
 
Padme hadn’t really wanted to be annoyed about it, she had told herself that him turning up would make up for it, would make things better between them, but in reality she hadn’t found her feelings changing all that much. She still didn’t like him enough to red a red rose like he had sent her. She didn’t think she was asking too much of him, and if he’d just been around he might’ve figured out that she would’ve been there for him during the yuleball. She looked round at him as he complimented her, a little blush appearing on her checks, she could never help how she was about it. She stopped once they were at the courtyard and she looked at him. She could see from this angle that he didn’t look particularly at ease and she knew she wasn’t really helping much. She didn’t mean to be like this, but she also couldn’t help it much, this just seemed to be how she felt. ”I don’t want to be annoyed Ilija, but I just am.” Padme said to him, ”You arrived so late I’d just assumed you weren’t coming, I know this isn’t what you want to do, but Ilija you know I would be happy with just spending the time out here with you, if you just talked to me. Your note with the rose made me think you really wanted to be here, but you don’t,”
 
It wasn’t a good sign when Padme didn’t even acknowledge his compliment . Instead she told him that she was still annoyed at him for turning up late. Panic fished through his head again as he tried to figure out what to say. Everything he thought he realised might make the situation worse, that he didn’t really know what he was supposed to say. “I..do,” he ended up saying, although while he was sure, he was pretty confident that his tone made it sound as though he wasn’t convinced himself. Why couldn’t he even just say two words without them turning into something more stressful than they should be? He would have been happy to spend the time outside too but he knew that it wasn’t what Padme had wanted, not really, but he didn’t want to argue with her and make things even worse. At the end of the day he was only here in the first place because he wanted to make it up to Padme but apparently he couldn’t even do that right. He glanced down and began playing with the hem of his sleeve, fidgeting as he felt all the attention was on him messing things up again for them. He could barely even look her in the eye, “What.. do you want to do?” He asked, letting her take the lead for what they did that evening if that was going to make her happier.
 
Padme felt a little bad when she finished speaking and just took a moment to take him in. He seemed so visibly nervous and ill at ease with this. She didn’t want to put him out any more than this really, and she didn’t particularly trust him either. So he’d just managed to make it to this, would every event be like this. She knew that she had to give him space and patience, she knew she should be understanding with him and try to see how it was difficult for him in ways she wouldn’t ever know. But it was the fact in his note and now were seemingly two different people, he hadn’t apologised for being late, or really acknowledged it. He needed to be clearer with him, she needed him to tell her things and no just hope she could guess or didn’t mind. She just felt like he didn’t really care about her. It annoyed her that Maddox’s words sat on her mind, he’d let her down once, and if she hadn’t shown how annoyed she was at it, he would’ve probably done it again. ”ilija I know it’s hard for you, I know I’m being difficult, but it’s really hard to be with someone who just makes me feel like he isn’t that interested,” she said, ”Do you still want to be together?”
 
When Ilija turned up for the dance he didn't expect to be faced with these kind of decisions. He thought he was doing well, not worse. His eyes began to well up when Padme told him that she didn't feel as though he was interested, even though he knew that he was doing what he could. "But I do, and I am and I.." he began to stutter, tripping over his words and the panic began to set in. What did he want? What he really wanted was to not be left alone, to lose the only person who'd ever grown close to him. "I don't know what else to do," he said truthfully, tears beginning to escape his eyes. "I just wanted you to have fun and not be annoyed with me. I know everything I'm doing is just, wrong, I get it but I don't know how to fix it," Ilija didn't even know if he was making any sense, it was as though his mind had clouded over as he was trying to protect himself from falling too deep into his panic and he'd started to close himself off from his own thoughts. Just the fact that Padme had asked him in the first place let him know that she wasn't really into it anymore, and who could blame her if he would just annoy her all the time? No, he was about to be left by himself, he could just feel it coming and had since she'd asked to join her outside. Ilija was shaking but he couldn't bring himself to admit that he knew Padme was better off without him, so he just looked to the floor.
 
Padme kept her gaze on him, watching as he began to stutter and trip over his words, knowing that she was the one doing this, that she was the one affecting this. She was the reason she could visibly see him getting upset and stressed. But she didn’t know if it was because of her words and what she was asking him or because of the fact he didn’t want them to break up. She listened as he spoke, saying that all he wanted was for her to have fun and that he didn’t want her to be annoyed at him. She smiled a little softly at him, he was probably being sincere but this did not entirely help her. She didn’t know why she was reacting in such a harsh manner to him. SHe didn’t know how to stop herself from doing this, she hadn’t wanted to react like this, but it was what her heart had told her, and she always tried to speak as plainly as she could especially about how she felt. Padme sighed and just shook her head at him. ”Ilija, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I get so worked up about it. I should be pleased you came, happy with the rose and I’m trying to be but I can’t, I care about you Ilija, but us being together is making me a worse person and stressing you out,” she told him. She sighed a little ”We were better as friends, there was less pressure. This is too much pressure, on me, on you, on us,” Padme shrugged a little ”I think we should break up,”
 
Ilija felt like he was a tiny ship in a massive ocean, watching as he approached the edge of a waterfall and that the drop was inevitable. Everything about what Padme was doing and saying was leading up to something, and as she spoke he listened to what felt as though it was the moment before the band aid was ripped off. Was she trying to soften a blow? He didn't know why she wasn't pleased about the rose, nor his attendance, but it was clear that it wasn't enough. There had been less pressure when they were friends, it was true, but he thought that was because he was trying to better himself and live up to an expectation of what he should have been able to do. Hearing her final conclusion, Ilija had to run the words over in his head a few times before they started to sink it. It was like watching a film of his life rather than that he was here, living it. If he was going to drown, at least he wouldn't drag her down with him. The fifth year hadn't realised how shallow his breaths had become as he tried to piece together exactly what was going on right now, rubbing at his eyes with his sleeves as though somehow that was magically going to give him some more insight. "I don't.." he started, trying to just grip to anything he could find, "..you're not.." Ilija looked away as he realised the reality of the situation. Padme wasn't pleased to see him and just being near him was enough to frustrate her, "Okay," he croaked, trying not to show his face of tears to the third year. What could he do if she wasn't willing anymore? Things had gotten so much more difficult between them this year and he knew deep down it wasn't fair to her and even if he was destined be by himself then at least one of them may have been able to salvage some happy memories at this school. This was not how he'd imagined this evening to turn out.
 
Padme watched him, trying to see if he was going to be okay with it, she felt her heart ache with the final words, the disappointment of her first real relationship having gone so poorly, wanting nothing more than to just take it back and pretend that everything was okay, but she knew it wouldn’t be good for her or for him. No matter how much this hurt she knew it was the right choice. Maybe when they were older, wiser and more sure of themselves, when she had a better handle on who she was and what she wanted, when he had a better handle on his anxiety, when she learned how to be be less focused on ideals and fantasies and more upon reality. She watched as he rubbed his eyes and felt her own well up in response. She gave as much of a little smile as she could. ”I do care about you Ilija, I’m sorry this didn’t work,” she told him sincerely, being quick to wipe her own eyes. She sniffed lightly and drew in a long breath, she reached out and took his hand briefly, ”Thanks for being my first boyfriend,” she told him, she gave his hand a light squeeze, leaned in and lightly pressed her lips to his cheek. She pulled away and let go of his hand, letting herself turn and head away. She didn’t want to head back to the dorm, or the ball just yet, but she wasn’t sure where she should go. She knew this was the right choice, but it didn’t make it any easier to her.
 
Through his tears and not being able to look Padme in the eye, he didn't even realise she was sad about the whole thing either. Had he noticed though, Ilija probably would have assumed her tears were more out of frustration than being upset. Perhaps now she could finally break free and focus on herself, at least that's what Ilija hoped for. He cared for the Hufflepuff but it was hard to focus on anything properly in that moment, let alone how to word something in a way that accurately reflected how he felt. He squeezed her hand in return, realising that affection hadn't been a massive part of their relationship either. He wanted to hug her like a "normal" person would, but just like the rest of his life, things weren't exactly planning out as he hoped, and the fifth year stood there a little awkwardly as she kissed his cheek. "Sorry," he managed to get out, although as soon as he did she was moving away. It took a moment for him to register that she really had just gone back inside, and he was stood outside in the dark alone. In the distance he could hear the sounds of the dance still in progress, something he'd been at for all of just a few seconds. Ilija couldn't go back inside, really he couldn't move far at all. He was nothing and had nothing and no one and he didn't even have the ability to not anger the one person he'd really liked. The fifth year dropped to the stairs, taking a seat and looking out across the dark courtyard, not wanting to move or talk or do anything. He didn't know how long he'd been sat there by the time he did move, but it was for long enough that his feet were numb and his muscles had grown cold while outside. Dried tears stained his cheeks and he tried to rub at them as he headed to his room, but his heart was heavy at the realisation he really was once again all by himself.
 
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