Handprints on Your Walls

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Izaak Finch

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The winter sun was setting low in the west, elongating the shadows of the structures
surrounding Izaak as he sat tall on the railing that overlooked Bondi beach and bathed
in the cool tangerine light. There was the fresh smell of rain about and evidence of a
clearing shower as the rain clouds were blown right out onto the edge of the ocean. It
was this eeriness about him and the quiet persona the vicinity had taken on that had
lured Izaak from his home a few streets up purely because it made for a good, long
and hard think. It had been weeks now since he had been held at the neck with his
own father’s wand but the incident had yet to be shaken from his mind. It came in
angry flashes now; Leah’s outburst, his realisation of the attack on Alexis, his own fury
balled up into a fist and his close brush with death. If there had just been a few more
utterances of syllables then he would have been dead and gone, leaving his beloved
Alexis to fend for herself in grief. Of course he had always known that Marcus was a
creature of cold blood but even for him that was pushing to the bare extremities. It had
been a reality check though for the young couple and perhaps in a way a lucky one
too. The other death eaters would have surely dropped the teasing and taunting and
would have just gotten straight down to business. But Izaak and Alexis, they weren’t
just any ordinary couple of the wizarding world. Having such a high profile soon-to-be
father-in-law labelled the two of them as an easy target for anyone holding grudges
against the former Minister of Magic. He’d hold his guard up higher from now onwards.

With a tedious sigh Izaak bumped his heel against the lower bar of the railing and
reminded himself that this was exactly the kind of thing he was loathe to do. This was
the escape that the muggle world provided. But anything to keep himself and, more-so,
his love safe was worth it in the end to Izaak. The azure of his eyes, flecked now with
the deep orange hues of the sunset sky, steadied over his once scarlet red Converse
sneakers. They were a well-loved shade of red now, scuffed at the toes and lined with
moth-bitten holes along the canvas. Once and only once not so long before he left
home Izaak remembered pleading his parents for the very pair that were on his feet. It
had been a long shot, he had known that but Marcus had blown up disproportionately
over the situation, claiming that they were a “filthy muggle’s shoe” and that he’d better
watch himself or he’d end up like that disgraceful sister of his. Needless to say, they
were the first things he’d bought when he moved to Australia, his first true taste of
independence. If only they could all see me now, Izaak thought with a chuckle to
himself as his mind drifted towards the Finches and the doubtful judgements he was
sure they had passed. But here he was engaged, well-off financially and happy.
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The cool breeze flickered over Amanda as she crouched rather suspiously behind a hedge, her eyes darting back and forth in search of something rather important. Seven years. Seven years since she had seen her son and daughter and just as many since she had started searching for her children's whereabouts. All of her hard work was due to pay off today, the very thought of it made her pulse increase. This was her final destination, where she had tracked her son down to. Strangled in the woman's grasp was a small locket, the last thing her pregnant daughter had left behind as she stormed out of the house so many years ago. Family. It was a word that meant so much to Amanda, yet it had been the very thing that had driven hers away. Though it pained her to admit it, she had been a death eater, and so had her parents. She had married Marcus not only because she thought she loved him, but because it pleased her parents. Even though she had bore his children, Amanda no longer though of Marcus as her husband, and really, could she even call herself a mother? What she had done was hardly motherly. She was frightened, but not frightened enough to stand up for her own children. She had stood by her husband because he was family, yet he was the one who had destroyed the word for her. As a noise errupted from the other side of the hedge Amanda flinched. The flicker of a red converse was all she needed for her heart to lurch forward in her chest.

"Izaak?" she said quietly, but certainly as she pulled her body up from behind the foliage. The hues of her eyes grew wider as they met the azure in the man's standing before her. This was it, she had finally found him, She was staring and becoming lost in the azure just as she had the day he was born and she had cradled him in her arms. All these years she had been following him, she had watched close by as he started Hogwarts, even slipped a present under the door the night before each birthday. Amanda had even been there when he had graduated and she had longed to approach him, scared of rejection. As she stood before him for the first time in seven years she didn't know what to say. All the rehearsed speeched, words of apology and wisdom were immediately washed away in that sea of azure blue.
 

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The waves continued to belt against the shore as Izaak stared in enrapture, those azure eyes may very
well have been the will behind each and every watery break. They were the kind that had been described
only in the depths of novels after all, moving mountains, stopping wars. Yet it was most ironic that it was a
villain they had been inherited from. But in this snapshot of his life, Izaak finally felt he had the world at his
feet, like there was not anybody or anything that could stop him. No one, not even Marcus could daunt him
now. His mind soon became crowded with a million and one thoughts of all the possibilities that had
opened up since his engagement. A family. It was pushed to the very cusp of his thoughts as he tried to
imagine the fiery-haired, azure-eyed children he and Alexis might one day be lucky enough to have. It was
a wild thought for Izaak because for quite some time there, amongst all the heartbreak and warfare that
had been his love triangle with Alexis and Isabella, he had doubted ever having been able to tame his
unlawful ways enough to have a family. But here he was now, on the gradual path to one and each time
he thought of it Izaak only promised himself harder that he’d never ever let them slip through his fingers.

A voice, soft and familiar on the breeze tousled with Izaak’s memories in the most sensitive of ways and
plucked at emotions he didn’t even know that he had. Thick, long fingers curled tighter until they held a
white-knuckled grasp on the railing, until he could begin to feel the woody points of splinters dig into his
fleshy palm. To a man, the sound of his name was the sweetest on earth but Izaak could think of no more
than the paranoia it racked up in him right now. After a moments more of deliberation he twisted his neck
in a backwards glance to find not only the owner of the meek voice but the very woman that had birthed
him, raised him and was now hated by him for the way she had gone about it. Critical eyes flashed a
molten blue and narrowed in loathing as the memories sliced one by one through his heart; her support in
the man that Izaak was disgusted by most in the world standing clear above the rest. “What are you doing
here?” Came the hiss through clenched teeth. If she was here to jeopardise his relationship, his happiness
too then he’d drive her straight back to Florida. “If you’re finishing what he started then get the hell out of
my sight.”
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Amanda's eyes darted back and forward as she searched for the truth in her son's eyes. Surely he couldn't think that she was like him? Although she hadn't given him much evidence to suggest otherwise. She stepped forward a few steps, cautioning herself, she didn't want him to bolt on her. After all those years Amanda had built up thoughts in her mind, walls to block out everything bar what she had told herself to belive; that Izaak loved her, and understood why she had done those things, or rather why she hadn't. As hard as she had tried to protect herself, tell herself time and time again that it would be OK, her son's harsh words still cut through her like a knife. Right then and there she felt worse than she ever had. How could she be so cruel as to open up an fresh wound and rub it in her sons face that his own father would kill him just to protect the family name. Amanda gently reached her hand out for Izaak to take, but second guessed herself and drew it back into her slender frame. It made her want to cry, seeing how well her son looked, how successful, and how in love.

"How could you ever think I was like him?" she accused, of course she knew of the attack on Alexis that Marcus had inflicted, he wasn't one to keep things quiet. Boasting was one of his best attributes after all. Amanda shot her glance down to the ground, trying to lose the intense eye contact, those eyes drilling right through her. She was always an open book around him, Izaak had always been able to see right through her. As quick as she could think what to say next the tears started rolling down her cheeks. Her pale forehead showing just how much she had been trying to put this day off. She could have stayed behind the scenes forver if it meant she wouldn't have to confront him. So much had happened since he had been gone. The one thing Amanda regretted was not being there for him when his daughter died. He was only young, so fragile. She felt like such a failure. "You know I divorced your dad" she said, through sobs. She wanted him to know she hadn't stayed with the very man Izaak hated most in the world, perhaps it would spare his feelings ever so slightly.
 
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In a manner that was cold and defensive, Izaak shied away from the hand his mother
had stretched towards him despite her having begun to let it fall back towards her side
anyway. The young man felt he needed to establish the barrier between them and that it
was not okay if she just rocked up out of nowhere and wanted to make amends. After
the way Marcus had treated both himself and his sister and the awful truth that she had
allowed his dirty mouth to spit reprimand after degrading reprimand at them, Izaak was
not sure if he’d ever be open to forgiveness. And as far as Izaak knew she had ever fibre
of her being behind the belief of those irrationally prejudice perspectives. There was
something stirring in those weary eyes as they engulfed him though that it caught him at
consideration and he was left wondering whether this was all just a fragment of the past.
But not a moment had passed until the most morbid of his childhood memories were
brought into recollection and Izaak was, once again, left doubting himself. She could be
genuine, she could also run the lines of a superb actress. He couldn’t be sure anymore.

"How could you ever think I was like him?" Her words rendered Izaak confused, she was
like him wasn’t she? Is that supposed to be a joke? For all the many times she could
have proved otherwise, Amanda never had. He and Leah had still been distanced,
disregarded and disowned. She could have stood up for them and let them know that
she wasn’t as heartless as their father but instead she had drawn into the depths of the
shadows and watched on as the pair of siblings were treated as if they were no more
than old pairs of shoes, disposable and replaceable. There was an urge that Izaak kept
inside of him to let his pent up anger do all the talking, or rather shouting, for him. Why
now and why not before? Where had she been when all he wanted was those red pair of
sneakers? Or when Marcus had caught him on Leah’s board one early morning on the
beach? Why hadn’t she been there to tell him she supported his decisions? Where was
she on the night of Cassie’s miscarriage when all a man had really needed at such a
moment was his own mother. What about his graduation? And of course, Jay’s birth.
What kind of mother are you? Izaak wanted to scream but the tears that began to streak
quickly down her face halted every intention of doing so. "Mum," The word felt strange on
his tongue, so he rolled it again on its length, "Mum." Still unfamiliar but as his azure eyes
swept down to the face of the woman he was addressing he found it so much more
comfortable. Her features were softer than he remembered, her eyes kinder and her skin
was now graced with a few more lines "Don’t cry," he pleaded her already feeling restless
and uncomfortable before her tears. But then, tearing through her sobs came a truthful
reassurance, one that even Izaak believed wholeheartedly—that his parents were no
longer on relationship terms. It came not as a shock but as a comfort to the azure-eyed
man and yet still he struggled with her intentions. “I just can’t... Not after what Marcus did
to me, to—" Izaak was wary of even producing his fiancée’s name, he had never been
more protective of her then what he was now beneath the threat his father had lain
down. “Did you really care about us? Do you? After all he did... Why would you let him
Mum, why?” Izaak questioned in hysterics with eyes such a wild shade of azure blue.
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E ven at the slight mention of her name Izaak still held the ability to melt Amanda's heart. He had possesed it since the minute he was born and it had never left him, even when the mother had tried to deny him things she had to admit she had a weak spot for him. Being accused of so many things she just wanted to run away, but looking at him, standing before him, she just couldn't. She had been waiting for this moment for so long, and now she had to tell him everything to give herself a chance of being let back into her son's heart. "Don't you see? I was weak, I feared him too much. You don't know the half of what he did to me, to intimidate me" she said, trying to stop the tears from flowing. "Izaak of course I care about you. I never left your side. I"ve been watching you all this time" she began, her eyes pleading with his. "I was there when you graduated. I was there when your daughter-" she trailed off. She didn't need to say anymore. She should have really been there, held his hand and told him it would be OK. After all that was a mother's duty.

All those years she had put up with Marcus, taken his insults, his violence. She even stood there andt took it when he had kicked her own children out. There was no way he would accept her now. He was a death eater, a true one. She never had been, it was all a lie, a show she had put on for him. Well she had left that chapter of her life behind now. One thing she should never had missed was Jay's birth. Her daughter had become a teenage mother, and the worst thing was that Amanda hadn't been there for her, she hadn't been there to hold her own grandson. She had missed too much and now she was paying big time. "Izaak you have to understand" she pleaded through sobs.
 
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With an expression of stone, Izaak bristled on his perch atop the railing. It was easy to
believe his mother’s words; that Marcus was manipulative, intimidating, the epitome of
power. But he didn’t want to believe them, he wanted to go on pretending that she had
as much compassion for him as what would could be measured by a teaspoon. It was
easier that way, to carry on with life as he knew it and not have to notice her absence on
his wedding day, not need to call her up on Mother’s day and tell her that he loved her ,
not want her to be there at the birth of her grandchildren. But Izaak could not possibly
bare to keep up such an act, not when he knew what kind of love he could have finally
had. In a struggle through the fogginess of such a memory, Izaak managed to recall the
night he found Alexis unconscious and blood soaked at the vicious jaws of a werewolf.
He remembered the hours and hours he had sat in triage, watching as people were
dismissed by the receptionist and praying that someone would grace his love with the
strength to be one of those lucky people. The constant drum of his heart in his stomach
had made him want to be sick, the fear struck in those luminous eyes had portrayed him
as vulnerable, his anxiety, his grief, the total eclipse of his courage, all he had needed
then was a mother, someone he didn’t need to act like an adult with, someone he could
depend on to pick him back up. But he had pressed on in spite of his wishes, knowing
that with a mother like his, they’d never be fulfilled. Had he been wrong all this time?

Their eyes engaged one another’s and Izaak could feel his brain working on overdrive to
build up more barriers, to shut her out, to dismiss any risk that he’d cave to her love. But
it was a strenuous task to keep up and he could feel the cracks in his defence begin to
run much deeper than he would have ever willingly allowed them. "I was there when you
graduated. I was there when your daughter-" The rims of his azure eyes widened to an
extent Izaak was sure they had never reached before. Not sure whether he was coming
or going, he struggled for words. Was this anger? Relief? Confusion? If only there was
someone that could tell him what to feel, because he no longer had a clue in the world.
The line of his gaze dropped to her hands, more worn then the last time he had gotten to
see them but still he yearned for them just the same. “I needed you, you know.” Izaak
huffed quietly and stared down at the worn red sneakers on his feet as his thoughts ran
to the baby daughter that he’d never gotten to meet. For someone of nineteen, it had
been more than traumatic. And here he was, nearly twenty-one, an adult in all cases
now and still avoiding any memories of that awful, awful weekend at all costs. “What am
I meant to understand? That you never got the guts to make amends? That this wasn’t
your fault? I don’t understand what I’m meant to do.” His mouth moved in a hysterical
outburst but his eyes were condemned with anything but. They stared into the depths of
his mother’s as he stood there with his breathing heavy and arms lip by his sides. He
was all grown-up now, he stood a head taller than her, his shoulders had broadened, his
jaw had squared, there was even that five o’clock shadow. But no matter how much of a
man he had grown into, there was nothing that had changed from that angelic blonde
haired, blue-eyed boy in the way those eyes simply begged for his mother to hold him.
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A manda continued to cry, there was no way she was going to stop now. Through her sobs she looked up at how her son had changed, and how proud of him she was. Getting out of the house and away from Marcus was one of the best things that could have happened to him. If he hadn't left who know's what might have happened. Of course Amanda knew her excuses were pathetic and would never make up for all those years she hadn't been there. Izaak's reaction wasn't what she had thought it would be, now she found herself fretting about having to see Leah too. She still remembered the day her children had left, as the cool sea air engulfed her she remembered standing by her husband, tears streaming down her numb cheeks, holding his rough and undeserving hands while she watched her children leave. The look on Izaak's face said it all, he had needed his mother the most. She always knew Leah was strong, but Amanda would never forget the look of abandonment and digust on her sons face as he bid her farewell.

"I know" she replied solemnly, her head hung low in disgust and anger towards her own actions and poor desicions. People had fought for womans rights so that they didn't have to be bullied and hurt by their husbands, but Amanda had let it happen, even convinced herself that it was normal. The day she divorced him and quit being a death eater was one of the best days of her life, but now she almost wished she could go back and pretend not to care so much about her children, it hurt so much less not to care. "I was scared Izaak!" she said, finding herself yelling, her cheeks flushing red. "And you're right, I had no guts. All those times I had watched you, all I wanted was to hold you" she said, almost choking on her words as she became hysterical. "I love you." she said quietly as the waves crashed behind them on the beach. She let her grasp go, her fingers white with anger.
 
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There was many a precious thing that Izaak would have liked to have brought up with his
mother. So many “why didn’t you’s?” or “how could you’s?”. But he knew what she would
answer with without her even having to say it. Marcus, his father, of course was a cause
for everything and Izaak had only witnessed firsthand exactly how sadistic Marcus could
be when he had fired up at him in Alexis’ defence. He would go so far as to even forever
silence his own son just because of the threat he posed to his reputation. That would be
a sore topic with his mother, Izaak was certain of it. So at her flustered outburst he didn’t
try to comfort her, he didn’t tell her that it was alright, that the fear she spoke of had been
branded into his own heart. Instead he just stared with those crystalline blue eyes of his,
sympathy written all over them, and almost felt himself beginning to love her once again.

"I love you." They were barely a whisper above the sound of the frothing waves washing
against the sandy shores but Izaak Jay Finch heard them as if they had been said with
all the clarity in the world. There were so many thoughts crashing through his head that it
was impossible to hear them all at once. There was Leah, recounting her own personal
experiences of their parents with an expression of outright disgust on her face. And there
was Marcus with those hissed threats, lethal as was he. Then there was little Jay and all
the questions he had posed about his grandparents and why he never saw them. And he
swore he even heard Alexis, warning him to be careful because she knew just as well as
he did that one wrong move and the wonderful Utopia they shared between themselves
would be gone in a blink of an eye. A breath in, a breath out. A pair of soulful blue eyes
darting to and from her, assessing the situation. A stomach churning with anxiety. A thud
of a heart almost audible over the sea. And a reciprocated phrase that while overrated
between most was a huge leap for mother and son. “I... I love you too.” The trust they’d
have to accumulate but they had their foundations laid down now, a relationship worth
building on. The corner of Izaak’s mouth twitched unsure of what to do next and where
they went from here. But his hands did too and his arms followed, stretching fractionally
outwards to suggest a hug, something that he could never remember properly having.
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A s those three words slipped off of her sons tongue nobody would have thought it meant everything to her. She couldn't ask for more as a mother, just to be loved by her children. She still had to see Leah though, she didn't have the coolest temper either, it wasn't going to be easy. As Izaak awkwardly suggested a hug Amanda fell into his strong arms, rellishing the closeness she had never had with her son before. It was such a relief that Izaak had accepted her back, the difference that one man had made on their lives was phenominal, he almost destroyed their relationship forever without the blink of an eye. Amanda leant her head onto Izaak's chest and listened to his heart beating, feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath. She could barely remember the last time she had done it, that was the saddest thing. Amanda could have stayed there forever, when he held her in his arms she felt as though it was all she needed in life.

They were finally at the beginning of a true mother and son relationship, sure it had taken years and a horrible man for her to realise it, but they could be stronger than ever together now. "Where's your sister?" the mother questioned, that was her next obstacle, she had two grandsons now, who both probably wanted to know their grandparents, be spoilt by their grandmother and come over for home baked cookies and boiled sweets. Things they had missed out on because Amanda had been so careless, so self centred. But she was adiment to make up for all of that now, she would be the best mother and grandmother she could be and she would never let Marcus near her family ever again.
 
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