Closed Fresh Starts

Onyx Derouin

Onyx Derouin

Dramatic- Loyal- Growing- Soft Boi
 
Messages
949
OOC First Name
Jess S
Blood Status
Mixed Blood
Relationship Status
Married
Sexual Orientation
Eternally Smitten
Wand
Cedar Wood, Hippogriff Feather core, 13 1/2 inches
Age
12/23/2033 (27)
Onyx was not thrilled about the idea of having a new therapist. What was the point? He knew his uncle just meant well, but after the last one Onyx was just done with the whole lot of them. He had been sulking around all morning, alternating between hanging with his head over the end of his bed and slumping over his couch in the corner. He was currently draped over the couch, headphones in and whining softly to himself. Why did he even need to talk to another stupid therapist anyway? He heard a knock on the door, but was too lost in his pout to move. "C'me in," He called halfheartedly, lifting his head for a brief moment before dropping it again.
 
It had been quite a while since Maria had done a house call, and she had forgotten how strange it felt, coming to a stranger's house as their counsellor. Usually home life was part of the personal sanctuary she could only imagine from the mental pictures her clients painted for her, but seeing the reality of how people lived firsthand filled in a lot of blanks for her, before she had even met the client. After James had let her in she followed his directions to Onyx's bedroom, standing up straight as she knocked on the door. She felt outside of her comfort area in a lot of ways on this visit, and there was really nothing to do but dive in and do her best. When she was called inside she opened the door, smiling as she slipped into the room and closed the door behind herself. "Hi, you must be Onyx." She said gently, extending a hand to the boy draped on the sofa. "My name is Maria, I'm the counsellor at Hogwarts. Did James tell you I was coming?" Maria assumed he must have, but she wanted to start off on certain footing.
 
Onyx looked up through what was left of his hair, studying the woman there with deep blue eyes. He was very obviously pouting, but he took her hand and shook it anyway, sitting up and scooting farther away on the couch to give her room to sit. He pulled a throw pillow to his chest and curled up around it. "He told me," He spoke softly, unsure as he looked to the woman there. "You're not going to laugh at me, too, are you?" He sulked, hugging the pillow tighter.
 
Maria shook Onyx's hand gently and gratefully took the seat he offered, getting her notebook and quill from her pocket and setting them up for the quill to take her notes. Her heart sank at Onyx's comment, and she shook her head firmly. "Absolutely not." She said firmly. "But I do like to start sessions off by discussing what I do, and I think that's particularly important in your situation." Maria added gently, crossing her legs as she spoke. "I'm not a memory specialist, and while I know a bit about your situation, I'm not here to help with the medical or magical aspects of your situation. What I'm here to do is give you a safe person to talk to and help you work through your feelings about everything going on right now. Confidentiality is an important part of counseling, and I'm required to inform you that while everything you say in these sessions will remain strictly between the two of us, there are two exceptions to that rule. If I ever feel that you're in immediate, direct danger of harming yourself or someone else, I'm legally obligated to ensure you get the help you need to prevent that happening." She gave him a reassuring smile. "That only happens in the most extreme of circumstances though. You're in charge of our sessions, you can tell me as much or as little as you like, and I'll be here to listen." Maria folded her hands in her lap, giving Onyx an encouraging smile. "Do you have any questions for me before we start?"
 
Onyx watched the woman over his pillow, hesitant to trust her but relaxing just a little as she seemed so adamant she wouldn't laugh at him. He rubbed the edge of the pillow lightly between his fingers as he listened to her speak, glancing away and then back again as she asked if he had any questions. He hesitated a moment. "You're nicer than the last therapist." He managed softly, looking down again. "Uncle James paid a lot and he was supposed to be good but he kept telling me I was a crybaby and to stop being so dramatic." He sighed. "I... I know I... I tend to pout a lot, and I'm emotional and cuddly and I know I tend to dramatize things, but... it's just how I am, and I... you aren't going to get mad at me for just being me, are you?" He asked softly, glancing up at her with big blue eyes. "I know I'm a guy and that the last therapist said guys aren't supposed to be soft, but I'm a marshmallow, and I... I like being a marshmallow," he glanced away again, feeling a little guilty that he was just asking for permission to be a baby.
 
Maria couldn't help the small frown that furrowed her brow as Onyx talked about the behaviour of his previous therapist. "Onyx, your feelings are your own." He said softly. "You're the only one who's in charge of them. It sounds as though your previous therapist had some... extremely old-fashioned ideas he tried to push on you, and that's not appropriate professional practice. If you'd like to make a formal complaint about him I can put you in contact with some disability advocacy groups who can help you through the process." She made sure her quill had made a little note of that to remind her at the end of the session. "I'm only here for you to talk to about whatever you're going through. In areas where you're struggling I'll do what I can to help you find a new way of thinking about things, but I won't ever tell you to stop feeling your feelings. That's the core of how therapy is supposed to work."
 
Onyx hesitated, watching the woman speak as she went on about professionalism and how he didn't need to be anything but himself. "I... that's just it, though," He played with the pillow gently. "I don't really know what I'm feeling," He started slowly. "I'm really just... confused a lot, and kinda displaced, I guess? How do I know what I remember is even really something that happened? And everyone is always so careful around me, I just wish they'd stop worrying, and I'm just- I don't know who I used to be, what if I'm just not that Onyx, I-" He realized he was rambling and stopped abruptly, hiding his face in the pillow. "Sorry..." He murmured softly.
 
The quill and parchment floating next to Maria flickered into life as Onyx spoke, taking notes for her so she could focus on what he was saying. "You have nothing to be sorry for." She said gently. "And it's entirely natural to be confused in your situation. You've been put in a situation where you have a... staggering amount of change to adjust to, and it has to be difficult to know... where to start, and what to trust." She shifted slightly in her seat, trying to decide what to say next. "I don't think... anyone should be expecting you to be the same Onyx you were before, though. Any kind of traumatic event can have dramatic effects on a person's personality, and it's entirely natural to change as a result of your experiences. Let's focus on the present for now, rather than the past. Maybe you could... tell me some things you know about the Onyx you are now?"
 
Onyx listened quietly as she spoke, growing slowly more comfortable speaking with her. She was nicer than his last therapist. He hesitated a moment when she asked about who he was right now. "I'm... I'm curious. I like trying my uncles food, its really good, and I like reading old encyclopedias. Its not really even anything important, I just like learning things." He bit his lip, looking away. "I... I'm lonely. My sister is away and I feel like I'm distant from the rest of my family. I want to be at school, but I can't. I miss the roses and the dance and my sister." He hugged the pillow tighter.

"I... I met someone a few days ago. Hes really nice. I keep thinking about him. But I'm scared, too. I'm scared of the things I remember. I'm scared I'm not put together, I'm scared of what I can't remember." He sniffled a little, wiping at his eyes to hopefully hide the tears before she could see them.
 
Maria nodded, listening with interest as Onyx talked about himself. She was pleased to hear he was curious about the world, making sure her quill had jotted that down for her, and nodded sympathetically when he talked about being lonely. "That makes sense." Maria said gently. "Do you write to your sister often?" She listened as he talked about having met someone, nodding quietly. "Making new friends is a good thing, even if you're feeling unsettled. They only know you as you are now, so you won't have to worry about the pressure to... be a person you don't remember being, if that makes sense."
 
Onyx nodded. "At least once a week. She tells me a lot about school, which is good, she says she's the co-captain of the quidditch team and she's a beater and she told me about the dances and the roses and how Slytherin keeps winning their games," He looked away. "It's nice, I suppose, but I miss not being there myself. Though it is kinda nice, I guess, not having to deal with my ex after he cheated on me. That's... been really hard," He bit his lip.

"At first it was worse, all I could remember was that there was someone that I thought loved me, but there was no one around and I didn't know why. I still don't remember everything, it's only come back in flashes. But I remember... I remember things I didn't see before, probably because I didn't want to, I remember how he would blow me off, I remember I would see him with other people in passing that he looked a little too comfortable with, I... I remember walking in on him with someone else, and I remember watching as he kissed someone in front of the entire school and getting disqualified from the duels for it." Onyx sighed.

He hugged his pillow closer to himself. "I- I don't know if I want new friends," He sniffled a little. "I had a best friend... well, two, and I still trust Arc because we cuddle and talk and he feels safe, but... but Izzy... Isla..." He sighed. "She was... she meant the world to me. But when I woke up, she... she lied," His voice cracked. "I trusted her, but I'm gay and she told me we were dating before I could remember who I was. She just- I just- how am I supposed to let anyone in after that?" He asked, swiping at his eyes.
 
Maria listened carefully as Onyx spoke, taking all of the information in as she nodded in sympathy, the notepad hovering by her head flicking over to a fresh page as her quill continued to dutifully jot down her notes. "That sounds like a perfectly natural response." Maria said softly, meeting Onyx's eyes. "Those are major betrayals of your trust, and I would be surprised if you weren't having trouble with the idea of letting people in." She paused, pondering how to continue from here. "The most important person you can trust is yourself, and I think that's a good place to start when it comes to letting people in. It's clear that even after your accident, you've retained a strong sense of self, and that's a very good thing. I would advise you to start there. Trust yourself, learn what you're looking for and what you can't tolerate in a friendship or relationship, and hold true to those boundaries. You don't owe anybody your time or energy just because they were nice to you, or they told you they used to mean a certain thing to you. Take time to assess the situations, trust your own feelings, and be clear with yourself and others about boundaries."
 
Onyx listened, nodding along as he fiddled with the hem of his pillow. "How... how can I trust myself, though, when I don't know who myself is?" He asked, looking up to her with big blue eyes. "I don't... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to set boundaries that are good when I don't even really know what's good for me, or what I want or don't want." He sighed, leaning his head against the back of the couch. "This is all so hard," He murmured, swiping his sleeve over his eyes and trying not to pout too much.
 
((I'm so sorry this is so late! Things have been hectic and I somehow managed to jump over all of Maria's waiting threads without realising @_@ ))

Maria nodded sympathetically as she listened to Onyx. "Well, in your situation I would advise erring on the side of caution." She said gently. "Not closing yourself off entirely, but try to practice dipping a toe in situations before committing to them fully, if that makes sense." She said softly. "It'll help you to work out what feels right and what feels wrong, and establish what kinds of boundaries work best for you."
 
Onyx glanced over at the woman but then away again just as quickly. "I'm not good at that," He murmured. "I care really easily, and way too quickly, and too deeply. I- I don't know why, I just do." He hesitated a second before sighing. "I... I was seeing someone. Casually, kind of. I would go see him sometimes on weekends. I... I was really starting to care about him, like more than I should, but- but I remembered, and he... he's my exes older brother." Onyx winced as he said it. "It just hurt- there were so many bad memories, and I wasn't prepared, and I just... I ran away," He admitted softly, voice cracking. "I- I miss him, sometimes, but it still hurts too much, I can't... I can't face him." He buried his face in his pillow, letting out a frustrated sigh.
 
Maria nodded sympathetically as she listened. "Can I ask why you don't feel like you can be with him?" She asked gently. "Does it feel like a betrayal of your ex, or is it painful being too close to him?" She asked, trying to get a mental handle on the situation. "Talk me through your feelings here, if you can."
 
Onyx sighed, hugging the pillow tighter. "It's... complicated," He fidgeted a little. "I... met him because I was drunk, and it was when I thought I was dating Isla, which made me feel bad enough. We didn't sleep together that night, not while I was drunk, he took me back to his apartment because he didn't know where I lived and he didn't want anything happening to me. I stayed a while and we slept together a few days later. I didn't want to come back to an empty house, I hate being alone all the time,"

Onyx sighed. "When I found out Izzy had lied to me about being my girlfriend, I went to see him. I just... I liked him, and I wanted to date him, but I was nervous too, he was so pretty and familiar in a way I didn't understand yet. But when I remembered my ex, I just..." Onyx shook his head, hugging the pillow tighter. "I just... I was so upset, Chrys had been my first everything, and I had put everything I had into our relationship, my entire heart was in it, everything was for him and... and I know our relationship was toxic, I missed all the red flags, he cheated on me for a long time and I was too devoted to even notice. I had to beg him for his attention. When I realized who Ben was, I realized... he didn't even know who I was. Chrys and I had been together for over a year and his own brother never even knew we were dating. I wasn't good enough for Chrys, and Ben was... is, so much better than Chrys. Between the guilt I felt cheating- er, not cheating? of thinking I had been betraying Izzy and being sick over it, or remembering how pathetic I was, I just... I couldn't stay."

Onyx let out a shaky breath, hardly realizing he was ranting. "And now, I... I met someone else. And it's so different than anything I've ever had. Around Ben I was always unsure and nervous but drawn to him in ways I didn't understand, but this... now, I... I feel so safe with this guy, so comfortable. We just met and it... it feels so easy with him, I just... it kinda feels like going home, you know? But I'm scared, too, I just... it's stupid. I'm stupid," He sighed. "I can't... I don't know why I keep doing this. I'm not worth it, I know I'm not."
 
Maria listened as Onyx explained his situation, a bit relieved that her quill was taking notes for her. It had been a while since she had talked to a young person with such a complicated love life, and she didn't know entirely if she would be able to keep it straight in her head otherwise. Though she had several questions, as Onyx finished speaking, it became clear to Maria immediately what the most important one was. "Why do you say that?" She asked gently. "Why do you believe you're not worthy of a relationship that makes you happy?"
 
Onyx didn't look at Maria, hugging the pillow tighter against him. "I know I'm not," He spoke softly. "I'm dramatic and clingy and overbearing. My uncle did his best to raise me, and I won't say things were bad, but I never made any deep connections growing up. When uncle James and I left town, everyone always forgot me and moved on. When I went to school, I became the add on twin. I transferred in for my sister, and outside of her and her circle I had nothing." He bit his lip, shutting his eyes a little tighter. "My first crush, my first kiss, he kept me secret. He didn't want to be seen with me, I embarrassed him, and in the end he ghosted me without any explanations." Onyx sighed. "Chrysander... he was the first thing I ever found that I thought was my own, really mine, and I thought we were happy, I thought he loved me."

Onyx let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "I put everything into it. I tried my hardest. But it wasn't enough. Even when I give it all I've got, I'm not enough. I'm stupid and pathetic, and I know I'm never going to be able to make anyone happy," He sighed softly, shoulders slumping a bit in defeat. "He... he told me, when I caught him cheating, he told me he wasn't sure he had ever even loved me." Tears welled up in Onyx's eyes again. "All that time, all the sweet whispers and promises, they meant nothing. I meant nothing." He shook his head again and buried his face in his pillow, whining softly.
 
Maria listened sympathetically as Onyx explained his problems, the pattern in what he was saying quickly standing out to her. "Do you know what I heard from all of that?" She asked softly, crossing her ankles. "I heard... other people forgot about you. Other people ghosted you. Other people cheated on you. None of that says anything about your worth. They're the ones who chose to make bad decisions, and that doesn't reflect on who you are as a person at all." She paused, studying Onyx's body language. "If someone cheated on your sister, that would be a bad person, right? You would be angry at the cheater, not your sister, because they made the bad decision. If your sister blamed herself for that decision, would you agree with her? Or would you remind her that someone's bad decisions don't get to decide the worth of the person they hurt?"
 
Onyx hesitated at what the woman said. He peeked up at her through his hair, flicking his lip ring nervously. "I... never thought of it like that," He murmured, looking away. "I... I know my sister is perfect, it wouldn't be her fault..." He shook his head, sounding less sure of himself as he tried to protest. "But... I thought... Everything I've ever done, everyone I've ever been close to, it... I... I thought it was my fault..." He trailed off, gripping the pillow closer to him. He wasn't sure if he could just accept that it wasn't his doing, it had to be, it had happened so many times. Isla, Chrys, Jake, his utter lack of any social or love life outside of them. Arc was around because he was Kira's, and Kira was Sapphire's, everything in his life was Sapphire's. Even Jordie was hers, she had been the one to bring him home.
 
Maria could see that she had hit the nail on the head, watching silently as Onyx processed what she had said. "You aren't responsible for the decisions other people make." She said gently. "Even if those decisions wind up hurting you, that's the responsibility of the person who hurt you, nobody else. Holding yourself to a standard that you aren't holding the people who hurt you to isn't a very emotionally healthy way to look at yourself, and that negative self-talk is going to affect the way you carry yourself going forward."
 
Onyx looked up at Maria, sapphire eyes shimmering with tears. "I... how do I stop?" He asked quietly after she had finished speaking. "I've... I've blamed myself for a long time. It was always me, I'm not... I wasn't good enough. I just... I don't know," He sighed, looking away. "The man I met... he's so well put together. An apartment of his own, a successful career, a lot of friends, good looking and kind and just... perfect, how... how do I even begin to measure up to that? He's so much better than me, in every way, I don't... I don't know what to do."
 
Maria made a gentle shushing gesture with her hands, shaking her head when Onyx started to veer again into negative self-talk. "Changing the way you talk to yourself is a process, but it's one I think you would benefit a lot from. You just did it again, right there. "He's so much better than me"... how does thinking that about yourself benefit you? I doubt you would ever talk about someone else the way you're talking about yourself. So, let's change that." Maria leaned forward slightly. "This is going to sound fake at first. Maybe for a long time, you'll feel like you're lying to yourself. But I want you to persist with it, alright? Every time you find yourself thinking about yourself in this negative derogatory way, think about what you would say to a friend. Instead of "I'm worthless", think "I'm going through a hard time right now." Instead of "I'm not good enough," think "I'm doing what I can, and I can be proud of that." Don't let the bully in your head be the loudest voice in there, treat yourself like a friend instead. Can you give that a try for me?"
 
Onyx peeked up at Maria through his hair, flicking his lip ring and looking away shyly. He took a few breaths to calm down before speaking again slowly. "He... he's just a little farther along than I am right now?" He offered, peeking over at her. "I... I'm just getting back on my feet and I need more time, I can do better still but I'm better than I was?" He tried, hugging his pillow again. "I... I guess I am making progress, I... I've met someone that's really nice," He bit his lip, rubbing the pillow a little between his fingers. "I'm... supposed to go to his birthday party soonish, he seems to want me there, that's new," He ran his hand through his hair. "I... can look really cute? And get him a really good present, something with meaning, like some charms for the bracelet I found him, but like specific ones maybe, and each one means something, that... that would be nice, I'm... I'm thoughtful? I like giving presents just to see people smile," He felt silly and sighed, peeking at her again to see if he was doing it right.
 
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