Closed Don't Know Where To Begin

[Blake van Houten]

((Continued from here))

Catastrophising had never really been how Blake approached life, preferring to just take things as they came than think about the possible downsides, but now... now everything he had worked so hard to build was shaking around him, and he could just see the collapse of his life ahead. He had known in the moment that sending that note to Lars was stupid, known that hanging around the Ravenclaw at all was a dangerous mistake, but he had done it anyway. He didn't know whether it was luck or lingering loyalty that had kept Tyler's mouth shut, but he just couldn't expect the same discretion from Lars. Blake didn't stop running until he was hidden away in the corridors, turning to slam an angry fist into the hard stone of the wall, grunting in pain as he felt the skin of his knuckles rip. "F*CK!" He yelled, grabbing fistfuls of his hair and pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes to try and keep from crying. He could feel his father's disappointment from miles away, feel his own failure to be the man he was supposed to be pressing in on all sides. All because of one stupid rose to a boy who hated him.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars hadn't known what to make of Blake's expression at the dance, but something had definitely spooked him, he had run off out of nowhere. Now Lars was following him, even if he couldn't explain to himself why. It probably had nothing to do with him, he tried to reason. Maybe Blake had seen someone dancing with a girl he liked, maybe that had upset him. But Lars remembered how Blake had stared straight at him, and he knew he hadn't made that up. He followed Blake into the corridors, though he lost sight of him after a while. Lars faltered, looking around. A loud yell soon told him where Blake went, however, and he followed the noise quickly. He found the boy with his hands pressed against his eyes, clearly distraught. He noticed his hands were bleeding, and he hesitantly approached. "Blake? Are you alright?" He asked, even though it was clear he wasn't. "What... is going on?"

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake hadn't even considered that he might be followed, but of course Lars had gone after him. He jumped at the sound of the familiar voice, taking a few shaky breaths as he uncovered his eyes, a small smear of blood from his knuckles staining his unsalvageably ruffled hair. He tried to breathe normally but his lungs felt shallower than usual, the effort to collect himself too much. "Don't tell anyone." He croaked, tear-stained eyes frantically searching Lars' face. "I knew the rose was a mistake, I... it was stupid, I'll leave you alone, I swear, just... please, don't tell anyone."

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars was worried about Blake. He looked even more upset than he had in the hospital wing after he had been hit three times. Something was badly wrong, and Lars couldn't help but want to help him. As the boy started to speak, Lars frowned in confusion. "Tell anyone what?" He asked him, not sure what to make of it. His frown deepened as Blake started talking about a rose. "What are you talking about?" He asked him, wondering if Blake was confused somehow. But then he remembered the rose Elliot had delivered to him, the one with the mysterious message that was unsigned. "You sent me that one?" He asked him, blinking. "I... was sure that was a mistake. I'm not brave at all." He said slowly. "Was it some sort of... joke?" But he knew that couldn't be the case, not with Blake looking so distraught.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake laughed in disbelief when Lars pretended not to know what he was talking about, running an exasperated hand through his matted hair again. He opened his mouth to ask Lars not to mock him when the Ravenclaw went on, and it struck Blake that this was genuine. Lars... actually hadn't figured it out, and he didn't know what any of this was about. He couldn't help the almost hysterical laugh that escaped him, shaking his head quickly. "You're kidding." He croaked, rubbing his face again. "Did you really not get it?!"

 

[Lars van Houten]

The laugh that came out of Blake's mouth was more worrying than his earlier distress, and Lars looked around almost hopefully for someone else to come and fix this. His mind was working fast, trying to understand him. "No." He said. "I don't- didn't." He ran a hand over his face. "I got a rose, saying ... I wish I had your courage. I thought it had to be a mistake. I'm not- I don't have courage, Blake." He told him, shaking his head. "You know I was terrified of you for years. And I'm still terrified of most social interactions even now. I spent most of the time at the dance worrying a stranger might talk to me." He frowned. "If it was a joke, just admit it. It's fine. I... I won't be angry."

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake laughed in disbelief when Lars brought up being scared of him. "That's not what I mean!" He said, gesturing wildly in exasperation. The same feral, desperate part of him that had grabbed Tyler and kissed him last year reared up again, and for a moment he wanted to do the same thing. It would be so much easier to just grab Lars and kiss him than talk about all the feelings tearing him to shreds inside. But then he looked at Lars again, really looked, and that all fell away. Blake hurt, he had hurt for so long, and all he really wanted was to talk, to have someone finally understand. "I'm..." He started, then trailed off. The word still felt... heavy and wrong in his mouth, too much all at once. "I... my dad would..." Every muscle in Blake's arms tensed as he thought of his father. He couldn't do this, not with the thought of his father looking over his shoulder. "I've never... talked to... anyone... about this before." He said slowly, near-forcing every word out. "I'm... I don't... like... girls." Saying the word itself still felt like a step too far, something he could pretend wasn't happening as long as he didn't say its name. But it was out now, and Blake let out a shaky breath, trembling slightly all over. For better or worse, the weight of his secret was finally off his shoulders.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars only got more confused as Blake laughed at him, then said it wasn't what he had meant. He just stared at the other boy in confusion, not daring to say anything else. It was clear Blake was feeling upset, but Lars didn't understand why. He was missing something here, something huge. He just waited, watching Blake wrestle with whatever he had to say. But as the boy mentioned his dad and then said he hadn't talked to anyone about this before, things started to click into place. Blake's next words were still a shock, however. Lars blinked at him for a moment, then stepped closer. "Oh." He said, still hesitant. "I... I see." He wavered for a moment, thinking about him mentioning his dad, him asking Lars not to tell anyone. It was clear he was struggling, hurting. Lars hesitated. "Can I hug you?" He asked him, not wanting to do something that would get him punched in the face, but wanting to help and comfort Blake in some way.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake felt manic in a way he had never felt before, like every emotion he carried inside was pushing at a different edge of his body, vying for control. He wanted to laugh, he wanted to cry, he wanted to run screaming into the lake, to lash out, to hide, it was all... so much, all at once, and he felt as though he would burst at the seams with the intensity of it all. He could feel his body swaying on its feet as though it were disconnected entirely from his consciousness as Lars said he saw, and... he did. For the first time in Blake's life he really felt like someone saw him, and it was terrifying. The 'run and hide' impulse was starting to win out when Lars spoke again, and suddenly Blake couldn't think of anything he wanted more. Hugs had never really been part of his childhood, and the comfort of another person was something he desperately needed right now.

Blake could tell he looked awful as he nodded, like a desperate, crazed drowning rat, but Lars still pulled him close, a hug Blake leaned desperately into, pressing his face into Lars' shoulder and finally, finally allowing himself to cry. He clung to the Ravenclaw as what felt like years of pent up sobs wracked his body, the pain and fear knotted around his heart unspooling and escaping through his eyes. Blake didn't know how long he had been crying when the sobs finally subsided, but he knew he felt.... strange. Raw, without the shell he had built so carefully around himself. He wanted to keep hugging Lars but it no longer felt right while he wasn't crying so he finally let go, patting Lars awkwardly on the arm. "Thanks." He mumbled, not quite able to look him in the eye now. He settled instead for leaning against the wall, staring down to the cold stone under his feet. "I've never said that out loud." He admitted quietly, none of the usual boastful energy left in his voice. "Feels strange."

((godmod done with permission))

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars had half expected Blake to scoff at the idea of hugging him even now, even after what he had said and how vulnerable he was. It was why he had asked instead of just acting, because he really hadn't been convinced Blake would appreciate the gesture. As the other boy nodded, Lars hesitantly pulled him into a hug. Another shock going through him as he just cried in his arms for a long time. While Lars could understand this was a difficult thing, the amount of raw emotion and anguish was startling to him. It made him really realize just how much Blake had struggled with this, how much it hurt him. Lars let go as Blake let go, shrugging a little. "No problem." He said softly. "It... seems like you needed that." He said, creating a bit more distance between them again. "Does it feel bad strange, or good strange?" He asked Blake carefully. "Is... is sort of a relief? In a way?" He paused. "I hope you know I won't tell anyone, I would never do that." He added to reassure him.