Closed Challenging Nights

[Einar Haines]

Einar could admit that he perhaps wasn’t the best friend for Lucas. He appreciated the other boy, but the last few months had just shown him that he wasn’t the sort of friend that he needed. Einar knew that his reluctance of physical contact was something that deeply affected Lucas. He knew that the boy wanted affection, that he was looking for it in Einar but he couldn’t. He knew this wasn’t the be all and end of their friendship, but, it didn’t help that Lucas had on going problems with his brothers and Einar, well, Einar just couldn’t help his increasingly low mood. There were days when he just stayed silent, where his brain just seemed to be elsewhere. He occasionally just felt at odds with everything, out of place in the classroom. He was awoken in the dead of night with a small gasp. He was a little confused, he hadn’t remembered any nightmares. But, he’d awoken suddenly. He glanced around the room, and noted that while he wasn’t having a nightmare, Lucas was. He wasn’t too surprised, this wasn’t the first time he’d noted one, but it just seemed particularly bad and he didn’t want to leave Lucas in it. ”Lucas, wake up,” he called out. He approached the boy and hoped that the movement and his voice would wake him, but it didn’t appear to. He didn’t want to, he knew it was the wrong thing to do most of the time, but he couldn’t leave Lucas to suffer, so he reached for his shoulder to very lightly shake the boy awake. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas had noticed Einar's distance, and had done his best to stay strong for his friend. He still brought snacks, sneaking them to Einar whenever there was a moment when he had Einar's attention. He wasn't sure if it helped much, but it made Lucas feel at least a little bit useful. Today had been a little harder than others, his brother taking advantage of Einar's absence to knock Lucas around again. He hadn't been surprised, really. Dawson didn't seem happy unless he could push Lucas around.

That night, Lucas fell into an uneasy sleep, an unfamiliar nightmare haunting him. He was lost in a dark world, the ground and the sky lost together in an unending sea of black. Lucas was surrounded by trees, chasing the one figure that held the only light. But no matter how far or how fast Lucas ran, he couldn't catch up. He whimpered, terrified of being left alone in the darkness, tossing a bit and turning his head.

He jolted awake when someone shook his shoulder, automatically trying to shoot away. "I'm sorry- I'm sorry, I'll be quiet, don't hurt me," He babbled, losing his balance as his legs were still wrapped in the blankets. He toppled off the side of the bed, hardly noticing as he knocked his head into the dresser, arms raised above his head automatically as he waited for the taunting voices of his brothers telling him he was weak, too soft, ready for them to toss him around again.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar had expected a little jolt from Lucas but he should’ve known better. As soon as his hand was done shaking the other boy’s shoulder, the boy had woken up and immediately put some distance between them, falling to the floor and hitting his head on the dresser on the way down. Einar went round to that side and sighed slightly, he didn’t really approach and his hands were up, ”Lucas it’s just me! It’s just Einar, you’re safe,” He called out, hoping to get the other boy to see. He could tell that Lucas was likely still a little in the throws of the nightmare. Or at least still enough there in his mind that he thought Einar would hurt him. He couldn’t help but feel a little justified in his dislike of hands and touching with this being the reaction that even Lucas could give to it. He knew that Lucas wouldn’t be like this if he was more aware of what was going on, but in Einar’s mind it justified everything he had thought. ”Lucas, it’s fine, no one is going to hurt you, you had a nightmare,” he didn’t get closer and he kept his hands plainly in sight. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas automatically relaxed at the voice that spoke, letting out a shaky sigh and sitting up. He lowered his arms and tried to flex his stiff fingers. He could feel the throbbing in his head and he felt the tears threatening to spill over. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, trying to still his trembling but he knew he was still shaking like a leaf. He looked up through weary and tear filled eyes, fear still coursing through his veins and his heart pounding madly in his chest. "Einar," he managed softly, voice breaking and full of pain. Automatically Lucas leaned a little closer, arms coming up a little as the overwhelming need to be held, to feel safe, came over him.

But Lucas had been fighting this need for a long time. His face crumpled a little, too tired to completely hide his pain as he tried so often to do. "No, no," he scolded himself. He pulled back, biting his lip to keep it from shaking as he turned and crawled under the bed. He took the bear Einar had made him from where he kept it hidden and curled up tightly around it, shaking and his breaths coming in soft gasps as he struggled to pull himself together.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar watched as Lucas seemed to come somewhat out of it, shaking into some awareness. He watched the boy say his name and reach almost for him and he felt bad as the boy realised that Einar very much wouldn’t want that. He didn’t want it, he knew that these nightmares of him couldn’t transfer on to him but he didn’t want to. But this didn’t seem to really help Lucas who seemed to dissolve into the nightmare and further into how he was already feeling. Einar gave a little sigh and watch him crawl under the bed. ”Lucas, no,” he said, he sighed and lay down on his stomach to be able to see the boy under the bed. ”Lucas, just breath with me, listen to my breathing and try to calm down,” he took very loud and deliberate breaths like he’d had others do with him. Just trying to get the boy to come out from under the bed. He couldn’t provide the physical comfort but there was more, he could do more without that element. He just hoped Lucas would come from under the bed. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas tried to even out his breathing, mirroring what Einar was doing. Slowly the trembling faded, and though he was still crying, he felt calmer than he had before. "I'm sorry," He managed softly. "I'm sorry. I'll do better. I'll be better," He promised, hugging the teddy bear tighter to his chest. He had never felt safe, his brothers had made sure of that. Whatever this friendship with Einar was, it seemed more and more like some far-off dream. Einar deserved better, and Lucas knew it. He deserved someone stronger, someone bigger, someone able to take care of him since his family was no longer around to do so themselves. But Lucas- Lucas was small, and insignificant. He kept his back to Einar, almost wishing the other boy would give up and leave Lucas alone in the darkness. Einar deserved someone bright, someone who could replace the stars Einar had lost.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar shook his head, watching as Lucas got control over his breathing. ”Don’t apologise, you’ve nothing to be sorry for,” he assure him though the boy was crying now. He knew that he needed to be a little better with it. He shook his head knowing that if he could just spend and give him a hug. But he couldn’t help how he felt. He went to his bed and then took out the teddy and brought it back over to where Lucas was. He reached out with the bear and pushed it lightly into the other boy’s face. ”You need to do better, it’s okay. We all get nightmares, you know I get nightmares. If I freaked out during them would you think less of me, ask me to do better?” he was pushed the little bear into his face. He couldn’t hug him but the bear could get closer and that would work all the same. It would be as good. He hoped it would be as good. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas just shook his head when Einar said he didn't have anything to apologize for. Of course, he did. He had everything to apologize for. He bit his lip as he felt Einar leave, worried that this was the wish that came true. Of course, it was. Why wouldn't it be? The one he didn't really want was the one bound to come true. He sighed, trying to curl tighter around his teddy bear. The one Einar made him.

Lucas's eyes opened again when he felt another teddy bear. He opened his eyes, smiling and laughing a little as he saw the bear he had made for Einar. He took it, snuggling it closer as well. He tried to calm down, closing his eyes again and focusing on his breathing more. "I'm jealous of you, you know." He murmured softly. "Growing up... my brothers always pushed me around. My parents barely seem to know my name. No one at home ever heard me, so eventually, I just... I just stopped talking." He ran his thumb lightly over the bears fur; it smelled like Einar, and it was calming.

"It was worse when my brothers were together. When I was little, they would cut me off from everyone else. If I tried to make friends, Gabriel would have Dawson bully them until they went away. After a while, I just... stopped trying to make friends." He sighed. "I... I've always been alone. Unseen, unheard, thrown around. I've never known anything else." He sighed, opening his eyes to look at Einar. "To have everything, and to lose it all..." He bit his lip. "I can't imagine anything worse. I just..." He sighed. "I just wish I knew what it was like, you know?" He sighed again, melting into the floor and holding the bears closer. "To feel safe. To feel wanted. Like I have a home, somewhere to go, just... to matter to someone. To matter at all." He had calmed down, and he felt like he might be able to sleep again.

He peeked over the bears at Einar. "I can't imagine what it's like to lose everything... but I can't imagine what it must be like to have it, either." He looked away, shyly. "The nightmare... It was just... I was lost in the woods. Everything was dark. There was only one light, this... this figure had it. It was like a little star. I was trying to chase it, but it was out of reach, I couldn't... I just didn't want to be lost in the darkness, alone, not again." He admitted softly, keeping the bears close.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar nodded when Lucas said he was jealous. He knew what he meant, he knew why he would be. He had had it, he had had family, the love and affection that they had give him for years. He listened as Lucas explained why, explained what his life was like, and he knew it. He knew and could understand it. He nodded a little. He listened as he then talked about the dream. He could understand that he was just feeling jealous, that he wanted what Einar had had. He could understand why. He wanted that too. Einar was sad a lot of the time because of what he had lost. He knew it wasn’t helped by the fact, Einar being Lucas’s friend and unable to be that for him. ”In my nightmares I see my family’s death,” Einar told him. Since Lucas had told him a little about his nightmare, he thought it right to share a little about his own. Perhaps it would help it. ”I’m here, to be a little light, you wouldn’t need to be alone. Not again,” he said. It maybe wasn’t everything and he maybe wasn’t the best one for it, that he couldn’t be as there as others because of how things were for him. He wasn’t sure how else to be, how to be a good enough friend. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas peeked out over the Teddy bears, wanting to reach out, wanting to touch Einar, but he knew he couldn't. He was silent a moment. "I'm sorry," he spoke softly, looking away. "I wish I could do more. Be more." He sighed, tightening his hold on the bears. "I know I'm nothing. You're everything to me, but I'm just... Just some worthless shadow." He buried his face in the fur of the bears, feeling too ashamed to really look at Einar again.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar shrugged and shook his head. ”Why do you expect so much? Or think I expect so much?” he asked. He shook his head at the words, he knew that he was talking from the place of his nightmares and self doubt. ”I don’t why you think you're just some shadow to me, as if I have dozens of friends all around me. I don’t know if you noticed but you’re not just everything to me, you’re all I’ve got.” he said he just shook his head lightly, ”And truly I don’t need anyone else. No one else would get it, no one else would understand. Who else would sooth my nightmares or make the days after easier but you,” Einar shook his head slightly. ”I think you need a break from your brothers and all this.” he said perhaps where Einar couldn’t imagine leaving any further, Lucas would benefit from being so far from his family they were barely a thought in his mind. ”Don’t take this as me trying to get rid of you, but me wanting you to be able to grow without family looming over you,”​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas peeked back out around the bears, his heart skipping as Einar spoke. Lucas bit his lip to keep it from trembling, an unfamiliar warmth burning in his chest. He couldn't help but smile a little, stretching out his hand. He wasn't reaching for Einar... well, maybe he did hope Einar would touch him, but Lucas kept that locked away. His hand rested palm down on the floor, not really reaching but just there. Lucas could feel himself blushing, hoping it wasn't so noticeable in the dim light. He had buried his face in the bear he'd given Einar, feeling calmer and safe as he took in the familiar scent of his friend. "Dawson graduates next year," He murmured gently. "Once he leaves, it'll be just you and me." He hesitated a moment, before glancing up and scooting a bit closer so he could see Einar a little better. "But, Einar..." he bit his lip shyly, before speaking gently. "Even... even if I had to spend the rest of my life with my brothers always breathing down the back of my neck... I would be okay." He swallowed nervously. "As long as you're with me, I'll be okay." He smiled softly, hugging the bears again.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar nodded there wasn’t that much time left for Dawson at this school. ”Yeah, but if you took a transfer, or did like a exchange student year, that’ll be like a whole year where you don’t have to think of them at all,” the boy didn’t know why he was pushing this, perhaps because he knew it would benefit his friend, but he was also pushing away his only friend. He only had one friend and without him, he’d have a lonely year but he thought it would greatly benefit him. Einar didn’t want to be the reason that someone else didn’t take an opportunity or try for something that would be possibly good for them. ”Then you come back and we can hang out safely without your brother and it’ll be even better. I’ll be with you, we’ll be okay and he won’t be there at school.” he assured. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas' brow furrowed as Einar pushed the issue. "No," he meant to sound firm, but his voice cracked. "No, I don't wanna go." He added, his heart pounding in his chest again and his hands started to shake. "Please," he whimpered softly, "I don't wanna be alone again please don't make me go," he pleaded softly, clinging tightly to the bears. "I can handle my brother, please," he begged Einar, starting to hyperventilate again at the thought of being truly alone somewhere he didn't know.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar frowned slightly and just nodded, ”You don’t have to, just you know, think about it,” Einar told him. He reached out slightly and put his hand very slowly tentatively on Lucas’ shoulder. It was very purposeful. He wouldn’t make Lucas go, he had to make his own choice, but Einar couldn’t help but think it would help him. Perhaps now was just the wrong time to bring it up. Perhaps he should’ve waited until he was calmer. ”It’ll be okay, Lucas, you don’t have to do anything you want to,” He told him. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas was hardly listening at first, fear and sadness taking over his brain. It wasn't until he felt Lucas felt the hand on his shoulder that he snapped out of it, his teary eyes refocusing on Einar as he stilled. The warmth from Einar's hand seemed to radiate through Lucas's body quickly. He didn't respond for a moment, his entire body relaxing again. Exhaustion crept up on Lucas again, and he failed to hold back the yawn. He almost curled up around the bears, but he had a better idea. He hadn't moved, savoring every second of Einar touching his shoulder. "Einar?" He asked softly when he felt calm enough to speak again. "Will you stay in my bed tonight? We can use the pillows from your bed to put up a divider and I'll sleep with my bear so I don't try to cuddle you while we sleep," He asked quietly, just wanting Einar to stay close to him for a bit longer.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar felt a little bad watching him come out of it pretty easily upon being touched by Einar, know that this just seemed to help him and was just something that he could not provide most of the time. He hated that but knew there was little either of them could do about it. Tis was really all he could take and he didn’t want to have it happen often even if it help his only friend. He just couldn’t do it. He just kept his hand on his shoulder as he calmed down enough and seemed to get tired enough to want to go to sleep. He looked at the bed following Lucas’ words. He knew he’d sleep better in his own bed, but he could handle it. He could deal with it. So einar nodded. ”Yeah, okay.” he pulled his hand away from Lucas’ shoulder and got up to his feet. He looked at the bbed and then back at Lucas to see if he would get things ready for him to be able to get into the bed. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas smiled softly as Einar agreed, feeling so tired he barely wanted to move. He got out from under the bed, setting the bears on his pillows. He moved to get Einar's pillows, and once everything was set up again, he crawled back in bed on one side of the little wall he'd built. He yawned, taking the bear Einar had made him and melting into the mattress. He was curled up a bit closer to the wall than he needed to be, but he liked the closeness- even if they weren't actually touching. He held onto the edge of one pillowcase gently, and it wasn't long before he started to fall asleep again. As Lucas faded out, he murmured something softly, something he had thought a few times but never really been sure if he was allowed to say. Apparently his sleepy brain decided that now was the time to say it, with or without Lucas's permission. "I love you, Einar," He murmured quietly, before falling into a peaceful sleep.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar just watched as Lucas got out from under the bed and prepped the bed with the barrier. He waited until it was ready and then he crawled into the empty side of the bed. He took the bear that was his and just lay down, looking up at the ceiling as he listened to Lucas’ breathing even out and it wasn’t long until the other boy was very clearly falling asleep. He gave a little smile as the boy said he loved him. Einar nodded, ”Love you too,” he replied exceedingly quietly, the words feeling foreign as he said them. But he meant them. Lucas was all he had and if he was still capable of love then he loved him. Eventually Einar managed to drift off to sleep. ​