Closed Unlock the Lock Inside of Me

[Lars van Houten]

When Lars had found the note in his bag, he hadn't been entirely surprised. Leaving Blake alone after the Valentine's Dance had been strange. He'd shared something so personal with him that it felt like they were connected now in some way. He hadn't been sure if Blake had felt the same way, or if he'd simply never hear from him again. This note gave him the answer. It wasn't signed, but Lars knew it was from Blake. It asked him to meet the other boy at the cliffs, so Lars headed there after lunch, note in hand. He spotted Blake already there, sitting on the grass. Without a word, he stepped closer before sitting down next to him.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Try as he might, Blake didn't think there had been a single moment of his life since the Valentines dance that he hadn't spent dwelling on his conversation with Lars. It ran through his mind over and over as he tried to go about his life... how it had felt to say the words out loud, how Lars had hugged him afterwards, the long conversation that had followed... it was the kind of vulnerability Blake had never been allowed before, and it felt good. Talking about his feelings at home got him a stern, unpleasant reminder to 'be a man', and Blake had never really trusted anyone at school enough to open up.

Now, though... Blake couldn't stop thinking about talking to Lars. So he had tried not to let his hand shake as he had sent the Ravenclaw a note asking to meet, picking a spot far out of easy eyesight of their classmates. Now more than ever he couldn't be seen associating with.... someone like Lars. When there was no one else around, though... Blake looked up as Lars approached, unable to help the nervous energy he could feel in his grin. "Hey, man!" He said a little too quickly as Lars sat down. "What's, uh.... uh... hi." Blake trailed off, energy dwindling to uncomfortable silence. Now that Lars was here, how was he supposed to know what to say?

 

[Lars van Houten]

Even now, there was a part of Lars that expected Blake to push him away and ask why he was here. But the Slytherin greeted him with more enthusiasm than he ever had in the past, though it felt a little fake. He guessed he didn't really know what to do with himself either. Something about that was almost charming. "Hi." He said back, smiling at him a little. "What's.. up?" He added, shifting so he could sit more comfortably. Next to Blake, his own long limbs seemed even more awkward and gangly. He wondered if Blake noticed that too. "How have you been?" He added more quietly, remembering their last conversation clearly.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake didn't really know where to start when Lars asked him what was up. What was up? Blake wasn't entirely sure, if he was honest. Something, certainly. He shrugged awkwardly, shrugging again when Lars asked how he had been. "I, uh... weird." Blake said slowly, letting himself be honest. It was hard to ignore the thought of how his father would feel about this conversation, this whole situation. If he knew.... Blake couldn't think about that. He had to focus on the moment. "Just, like... it's weird that someone knows, you know?" He continued, staring down at the cuff of his jeans as he fidgeted idly with the fabric. "Feels more real."

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars had been half expecting the Slytherin to push him away, to answer his question with some sarcastic comment rather than a real answer. But he didn't, and Lars looked at him in surprise. He nodded slowly, as Blake explained he felt weird, feeling a bit of pressure suddenly. "You know... I won't ever tell." He said softly. "For me hiding it wasn't really necessary, I guess. But... I used to when I was younger, and I wouldn't ever give something like that away about someone else." He said softly. "But are you okay?" He added, searching the other boy's face. That had really been what he was asking.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake had never talked like this before in his life, had never let himself talk like this, and it felt... equal parts terrifying and intoxicating. Now that he had started talking to Lars about how he felt he never wanted to stop, all the feelings and thoughts he had been hiding from his entire life weren't only his burden anymore, he wasn't alone. "Thanks." He nodded when Lars said he wouldn't tell, heart sinking slightly at the reminder that... this was all it could ever be. Blake couldn't ever risk his secret getting out, especially with his sister so close to starting at Hogwarts, but despite all his fears, he trusted Lars. With all of the airs and pretense he had put up for so many years washed away, it was just nice to be around the Ravenclaw. He shrugged when Lars asked if he was okay, thinking about it for a moment. "I... think I am." He said slowly, glancing at Lars' face for a moment before looking back at his knees. "I didn't realise how good it would feel to have someone who... understands." He said slowly, not quite able to bring himself to say just how much this meant to him. "I've been... worrying about this stuff by myself for so long."

 

[Lars van Houten]

It surprised Lars at how easy it was to let his guard down around Blake. He knew deep down that he couldn't entirely trust him, but he also didn't fear he would suddenly laugh at him or push him down as much as he probably should. There was some sort of connection between them now, at least... that was how Lars saw it. He doubted Blake was thinking like that, though. He probably only saw Lars as someone he could talk to safely because he could easily intimidate him into staying quiet. Or maybe simply because he was the only gay kid Blake knew. That was even more likely. He listened to Blake and nodded. "I... get that." He said slowly. "I'm glad I can be someone who can listen." He hesitated. "But it's not something you should be worried about. You... are alright like this, you know?" He said softly. "Uh, did you know there's a counsellor at Hogwarts?" He added, though it didn't come out the way he had hoped. He had hoped it would sound casual and not like he was suggesting anything, but it definitely hadn't sounded like that. "I mean. If you want to talk to someone who actually knows what they're talking about." He added quietly.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Something about hearing Lars say he was glad to be able to listen was so soothing, and Blake found himself idly wishing he could just live in this conversation for the rest of his life. If he was always secreted away on a clifftop with Lars he would never have to face the reality of the rest of his life, never have to go back to being terrified of being discovered, to hiding how he felt, to watching every word out of his mouth. Everything just felt... peaceful with Lars. Felt safe. He balked slightly though when Lars mentioned the counsellor, shaking his head quickly. "I don't wanna talk to a shrink." He said quickly. "I don't need some old creep asking how I feel about my dad or whatever, I'm fine." Blake could feel himself tense at the mere mention of his father, knew that they were close enough that Lars would feel it too. "I'm fine." He repeated. "I'd rather just hang out with you. You get it."

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars immediately noticed the change in Blake when he mentioned the counsellor, and kind of wished he hadn't brought it up. But Lars couldn't help feeling like Blake's issues were bigger than he alone could handle. He could listen, but he couldn't do much else. He wasn't even sure he could confidently say that he'd give any good advice on the matter. Someone trained would be much better to help Blake. "It's not the same as a shrink." He said. "And I don't think she's old. She's nice." Lars said with a small shrug. "I ... I am happy I can help, but I don't know if i can really be everything you need." He admitted. "All I can offer you is someone who listens..." He shrugs. "But she is actually trained to give you advice in stuff." Lars said quietly. "I have considered going myself, at the start of the year. When I was feeling kind of lonely after all the stuff with Elliot went down... and my new responsibilities felt all overwhelming."

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake couldn't shake the tension from his muscles as Lars went on about the counsellor, shaking his head firmly. "I can't talk to... you know, teachers or whoever. I can't risk this getting back to my dad, or... no. It's just... I can't." He sighed, trailing off and staring at his scuffed and ratty sneakers for a long moment. "It's enough that you listen." Blake's arm was brushing slightly against Lars' where they were closest and the Ravenclaw's warmth drew him in, subconsciously shifting so more of his arm was touching Lars', until their hands were almost touching. He listened as Lars talked about having considered seeing the counsellor himself, glancing at the other boy in surprise. "Really? But you make... I dunno. You make things look so easy." He said hesitantly, studying Lars' face for a moment. "Like, you just do all that... prefect stuff and whatever, and you're good at it."

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars shrugged at Blake's words. "I'm pretty sure she can't tell stuff to your parents if you don't want." He said, but he wasn't entirely certain. Lars blushed a bit as he felt Blake shifting closer to him, very aware of every inch of skin that was touching. It felt nice to sit so close together, but Lars was afraid of drawing any attention to it. He glanced at their hands before looking back at Blake. His words made him laugh. "What?" He asked, shaking his head. "How would you know? I'm not good at it at all. If I ran into someone about to pull some sort of prank in the hallway, I don't think I would even confront them." He said, grimacing. "I'm terrible at that sort of stuff, most people scare me." He ran a hand through his hair. "But so far I've managed."

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake sighed when Lars stuck with the subject of the counsellor, shaking his head as he looked away. "I still... I can't risk it." His heart ached as another reality sunk in. "I... dunno if I can even really talk to you next year. My sister might notice." He said quietly, staring down at his knees. "She's a total snitch." He looked over at Lars just in time to catch the other boy glancing at their hands, flushing hotly and looking away again quickly. Something about Lars' presence made it easy to ignore his father's voice in his head reminding him that he shouldn't want this. He glanced up at the Ravenclaw again, shaking his head firmly when Lars insisted he wasn't good at his duties. "No way, you'd get 'em. I've seen you on the pitch, you're tough when you wanna be." He smiled earnestly. "Hundred percent. I mean, you stood up to me."

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars shrugs. "Just think about it." He said softly. He felt a pang of regret after hearing Blake couldn't talk to him anymore next year. "Can't you just say I'm a friend?" He asked hesitantly. But he wasn't sure how believable that was. The two of them were so different, it would be strange for them to hang out together. Especially to anyone that knew their history. Lars blushed at Blake's compliments, feeling pleased by them. He took a deep breath and then glanced at him. "Thanks." He said. "But you're not all that scary, at least... not anymore." He then felt like he was dangerously close to doing something stupid, and he knew he had to get out of here. He slowly got to his feet. "It's... getting close to dinner time, we should go." He said softly. "I'll go first, but don't stay here too long, okay?"

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake sighed and gave a small nod when Lars asked him to consider counselling, though he already knew he wouldn't be caught dead setting foot in that office. His heart ached slightly at the thought of not talking to Lars next year and he shrugged hesitantly. "I dunno." He said, wavering slightly. "You're not... really the type of person she'd expect me to hang out with, it might... raise questions." He sighed. "I'm sorry." He met Lars' eyes when the Ravenclaw thanked him, unable to tear his gaze away. He hadn't quite admitted to himself until now that his feelings towards Lars were more than just... envying his freedom or valuing him as a confidant, but there was no denying the flutter in his chest. Before Blake could say anything though Lars was pulling away, reminding him uncomfortably about the upcoming meal. "Oh... yeah." Blake said sadly, watching Lars get up. "I, uh... catch you later, then."