Closed Turning the Page

[Lilith Ilves]

TW: expression of grief over a loss of a family member

There was only a number of days left of the school year and while Lilith was more than ready for the break so she could go home and see how everyone was doing, there were still a few things she wanted to sort out before the time came to leave the castle. Her exams were one of those things, though they seemed to be coming their way at an alarming speed right now that wasn't what Lili was most concerned about. She hadn't really had the mental capacity to think too deeply on most of her friendships this semester, sort of just letting everything sort itself out.

However the most pressing matter on the fourth year's mind was her friendship with a certain Gryffindor. It had pressed on her all semester long. She'd wished things hadn't been left the way they were with Felix, but she was also aware that all of them needed some time to process their own thoughts on the matter. That being said ever since they'd chased her cat around the school Lilith had realized just how much she missed her friendship with him. That was why when she spotted him in the library the Ravenclaw channeled every bit of courage she had in her and walked towards him. Hoping the friendship was still salvageable. "Uh.... hi." Lili said nervously as she reached the table, pondering on whether or not to pull out a chair. "Can I.... sit with you?" She asked after a moment, deciding to give him the option whether or not he wanted her here, she just hoped he wouldn't turn her away.

(GM approved c

 

[Felix Layton]

Felix wasn't in the library to study, although he wouldn't tell anyone why he was really there. He had kept his head down for the most part of an hour, keeping to himself and not uttering a word to anyone. It was only as Lilith broke the silence that the fourth year eventually moved his head to peer up at her, although for a few seconds he was under the impression she'd been looking for someone else but had run into him by mistake.

"What?" His mouth got there before his brain could catch up. It looked as though he didn't have a choice in the matter however as Lilith pulled up a chair anyway before he'd said any more, so he just dropped his eyes once more. He'd helped Luke get back his hamster, that was all. It had nothing to do with the cat that had chased it belonging to Lilith, and while he had to admit it did feel good to be able to do something with her again for a noble cause, it didn't mean now their issues were swept under the rug. Felix would have preferred that they didn't act as though he hadn't made a mistake, and that he was the type of friend that would be good for her. Eventually the Gryffindor shrugged. Lilith could say what she liked but it didn't mean it would change anything.

 

[Lilith Ilves]

Lilith sat down, fidgeting with her hands as she did so. Merlin, how did she begin the conversation? Hi, hello, how are you? It didn't feel like the right way to do so, wasn't she supposed to know how to go about things usually? Then why did it feel like every word that came to mind got stuck in her throat currently? Peeling her eyes away from the Gryffindor so he didn't feel like she was staring at him Lili tried to recollect her thoughts.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing and to say I'm sorry." She started, the entire situation wasn't on her she knew that. She'd needed to wrap her head around it in the last semester, however she'd done her part in it and that she was sorry for. Looking back to the Gryffindor she contemplated her words. "I know things left off in a bad place between us and I also think we probably both needed our time with it but... I miss having you as a friend." She really did, he was a good friend and Lilith never thought he was using her. She hoped that'd never been the case.

 

[Felix Layton]

It wasn't unlike Lilith to want to reach and apologise, although Felix had to wonder whether she was doing it for her own comfort, Eoghan's, or his. If it was to ease her own conscience, then Felix wasn't sure he had to accept it if she was only saying it for her own benefit. As the Ravenclaw took a seat beside him, he waited for her to make the first move, although he surprised himself with his own response. "I've missed you," sure, he meant as a friend too but he figured Lilith could probably work that out for herself.

"But maybe we're not meant to be friends," he told her, not meeting her eye. "Obviously I get in the way between you and Eoghan. You have a different relationship to me, you see things differently." Felix supposed he had to be glad that she'd been honest enough with him to speak out when she thought things were wrong, but the way they'd both looked at him with what he thought was pity in his eyes wasn't a picture that was going to leave him soon. "You made me feel small, like I wasn't good enough," Felix admitted out loud, although it had taken him a while to realise it after that afternoon. He'd never been good enough for his family, at least not until a couple of years ago, and Felix was done with feeling like he had to do things the way others wanted him to.

 

[Lilith Ilves]

Lilith was so nervous how this chat would go, she missed Felix he was one of her closest friends. She hadn't realized she'd been holding in a breath until his next words made her exhale in what could have been a sob, or just a deep sigh. Tears were already gathering and for a moment Lili wished she could tame her emotions down just a tiny bit. It was a relief hearing he'd missed their friendship too.

Felix's next words however felt like a stab right to the heart, what did he mean? Did he not want to be her friend anymore? Confusion crowded the fourth year's face as she searched the Gryffindor's for answers. "You don't get in the way of anything. I don't think it was ever about that, I think it was more about the sweeping things under the rug part of it all, not you specifically." Lilith's voice was shaking a little bit as she spoke. "I don't want to lose you." She couldn't really. Looking down at her hand Lilith considered where to go from there when Felix spoke again, causing her eyes to shot up. She'd made him feel small? Like he wasn't good enough? If she thought her heart was breaking before, knowing he'd felt that way made the ache worse. "Felix, I never meant to do that. I am so sorry I made you feel small and not enough." Now she understood what he'd say about not being meant to be friends, if that's how she made him feel she didn't blame him.

 

[Felix Layton]

Felix didn't really know what Lili meant. Sweeping things under the rug but blaming him in the process? The whole thing was making his brain hurt thinking about the circles it was creating. Felix didn't want to lose her either, but the more she spoke, the more the Gryffindor felt as though maybe he'd been harsh. In the moment it had felt like the right thing to do, but watching the Ravenclaw who'd come over to apologise, sitting beside him close to tears as she told him she hadn't meant it, made Felix consider if it would have been a stupid choice to throw away their whole friendship over one miscommunication. He'd had enough of those with Ten and Ned, he didn't need to fight his friends too.

"Okay, okay, okay." Felix lifted himself from the desk, unable to take the sight of Lilith sitting there so feebly at his own expense any longer. It had been a weird semester, and maybe things could have been sorted out a lot sooner if they hadn't spend the last few months ignoring each other (although Felix knew that was probably more likely him than it was Lilith). He rested a hand on her shoulder, peering into her face in an attempt to get her to look at him. "It's okay," and he meant it. "You're not a mean person. Someone like you could never be mean." Lilith spent so much time looking after other people and trying her best at everything that it was probably exhausting. "Maybe.. I don't know. A little insult here and there would make it easier, you know?" Suddenly it was Felix feeling as though he was going backwards. "I guess it took me off guard, but I know you'd never try to make me feel like that. Maybe we just need a different type of friendship," honestly he was still trying to work out what he was supposed to do too, he just needed to cut her a little slack.

 

[Lilith Ilves]

It was heart breaking to hear that Lilith had made one of her best friends feel small and like they didn't matter. No matter how much she hadn't meant it, the fact still stood she'd made him feel like that. Looking back up at Felix as he sat next to her and rested his arm over her shoulder Lili tried not to get too hopeful too soon. Listening to the Gryffindor made her let out something that was a mixture of a whimper and a laugh. "Okay, but if I ever make you feel small and insignificant again, you will tell me?" She offered, hoping he'd agree to it. If she was going to do better to be more considerate of his feelings then she'd need him to tell her if she ever made him feel like that again. Though Lilith really hoped a day like that would never come again.

Giving a shrug Lili wiped a stray tear that had managed to escape from her cheek. "Maybe we just need to try and be more... I don't know, straightforward? Honest?" Honestly she didn't know, but what mattered was she wasn't losing a friend. "Thank you, I really didn't know what to expect but all I knew was I couldn't go home again knowing things were left unspoken between us and risk the time away deepening the wound on this friendship. I couldn't risk losing you," It was perhaps more honest than she'd been with anyone except from Eoghan in a while. She'd withdrawn herself from most of her friends this past semester, mainly just focusing on her own studies to avoid the mess that was her feelings in the moment.

 

[Felix Layton]

Seeing Lilith wiping her cheeks, Felix hadn't realised she'd been that tearful over almost losing their friendship. Over the years, Felix had come to understand that he did have friends, and that people weren't always just out to humiliate him, and maybe he'd started to take that for granted. Sliding out of his chair, he moved behind Lilith to wrap his arms around her, squeezing them together in a bear hug. "I know you don't mean anything by it," he said quietly, now that he practically had his cheek up against hers. "So no, but I'll joke back, and that's me saying I'm good, okay? No hard feelings," he kissed her where the tear had just been, wanting her to know that all he had for Lilith these days was a genuine appreciation for the fact she was still here. They'd both made mistakes, but it was her that had made the move to bridge the gap. "I'm sorry I was an ass about it," he added, still holding her tight. "But you're not losing me, so this is one ass you're gonna have to get used to having around." Even if Eoghan peered down his pointy nose at him, Felix wasn't going to let him influence how he felt about his friends.

 

[Lilith Ilves]

Lilith was sort of confused how to feel, all of her emotions from the last few months were crashing in mixed with the relief of not losing Felix. Him hugging her had been the last straw and Lilith gave him a nod when he said he'd joke back, her lips trembling from trying not to cry. When he apologised and held her tight like that it felt safe and the months of trying to shield those around her from how she was really feeling came crashing down. Lilith turned around and hugged Felix back, squeezing him and burying her face into him as she felt more tears come out. "Good because I have lost enough this year and I- it's been so hard these past few months and I wanted to fix it but I didn't have the strength to." She said holding onto him like her life depended on it. She had tried to keep it from those around her, at home for her siblings and mums sake, then at school she mainly just spoke with Eoghan anyways last semester. Even him she hadn't given it all, the easier and softer version but now all of the feelings were crashing down and Lilith just let it go, telling Felix about everything that happened during the break felt like a weight off her shoulders.

 

[Felix Layton]

Felix hadn't exactly been surprised when Lilith turned to hug him back, and he clung onto her as though the act itself was the glue that was fusing their friendship back together. It was only when the Ravenclaw started to mention just how much she'd lost recently, that Felix begun to understand the depth of what had really been going on with her this semester. The fourth year had felt the way she'd distanced from him, and he'd been arrogant enough to think that their argument had been the only reason. "Lili I'm so sorry," he said after a few moments, still holding on tight, his arms around her waist.

There were so many things running through his head, he wasn't sure where to start. Should he even start? What if Lili just wanted to talk to someone? Felix doubted Eoghan had the emotional capabilities to talk to her properly, although he quickly felt guilty at the thought. He needed to stop assuming things about those around him. "Do you.. feel like you've grieved while you've been here?" Felix asked, pulling back just a little to look at her properly. As far as Felix could tell, Lilith had been buried in her homework for the second portion of the year, so he could understand that she must have felt as though she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

[Lilith Ilves]

Was it a surprise that it was all going to crumble at some point? No. Had she expected it to be after saving her friendship with Felix? Also no but somehow it still felt maybe like the only logical way it was going to happen. Still sniffling, suddenly all too aware she'd made spot with her tears on the Gryffindors shirt Lili tried to wipe at his shirt with her sleeve. Dry the tears with it if you will, but it was doing little to nothing so she just gave up and sort of slumped in defeat.

"Yes and no, I thought if I buried myself so deep into my work that I had no time for it, it would go away. It didn't, so I did try to talk about it with Kuu and Eoghan, but mostly I have just done it on my own terms." She gave Felix the most honest response there was. Eoghan had been there for her and she loved him all the more for it, but she'd also needed to find her own way back to the light. "I have gone to the observatory a lot, to look at the stars and everytime one twinkles a little extra I find comfort in it or when it rains I feel less lost in the emotions." Lili shrugged as she spoke. "I think I have definitely been able to feel the motions more than I would have at home, which has helped and now I feel more ready to go back again." The twins were coming with her next year so she'd have a busy holiday getting them ready and prepared and making sure their mum would be fine alone.

 

[Felix Layton]

Felix made no move to stop Lilith from swiping at his shoulder. It was probably a good thing she had something to focus on while she spoke. He listened as the Ravenclaw told him of how she'd been coping over the last few months, and while he was glad to hear that overall she felt as though she'd been able to do what she needed more than she would have if she'd been at home, Felix still wasn't sure whether she was getting the support she actually needed. Perhaps it was a good thing her younger siblings would be around next year, it would give her the chance to look after herself without worrying about them too.

The Gryffindor was still just holding Lilith, trying not to make her feel uncomfortable. If he was the only other person she'd spoken to about this beyond Eoghan and a cat, he knew the importance of what he said next. "I think, it's not a bad thing to find inspiration in someone you've lost," Felix spoke quietly, careful of his words. "When my mum died, I was so young, I don't remember her." He wasn't sure he'd ever told anyone of his relationship with his mum. He'd learned a long time ago that she was part of a world he wasn't involved in. He may have heard the stories and seen the photos, but the woman looking back at him hadn't meant much, so it had been hard to consider he'd lost anyone at all. "But it was hard for Ten. I think in some ways it still is. And, you know, she was only a toddler, she only had a few memories of her," Felix explained, "but you've had your dad your whole life." While he didn't want to compare their situations, he drew on the only knowledge he could to try to help. "I don't think anyone can imagine what it's like to lose a parent that you've grown up with unless you've experienced it." Ten had spent years trying to be just like their mum, trying to find a way to make sure she was remembered to the point she'd burnt herself out as a fourth year too. It was Loon Head that had stopped her losing herself.

Felix was aware of the importance of stars to his friend, "Your dad might not be here anymore, but he'll always be a part of you. You have your memories, time spent together, and things you've learned and don't forget those things or bury them under your work because those memories are how he lives on, through all of you." Leo and Leena would have their own memories too, stories they'd pass on to people they knew, building up a portfolio of the man's life between them. "But listen to me," Felix lowered his head a little, trying to recall what his aunt had once said. "Some things in life aren't fair and this is one of them. Sometimes things just don't have a fix. But, you need to do what's best for you and know that you're not on your own while you're doing it. Whatever that looks like. There is space for you to be who you need to be and live your life in a way that works for you, and there's space to hold the people closest to you too, those that aren't here anymore." Felix didn't want to see Lilith drown in an attempt to keep her family afloat, or burden herself with the pressure of what she might feel like she needed to become. He'd seen that in his sister and had been too young to do anything about it at the time. However, Felix was no longer the boy he was when he'd joined the school.

 

[Lilith Ilves]

Lilith nodded a little hesitantly, listening to the words out of her friends mouth. She frowned a little and felt sad for the little boy who had never known his mum and for Ten who'd taken the toll of it. "I'm sorry, that must have been hard." She whispered in between his talking. Lilith felt her heart sink when he spoke about how she'd had her dad her whole life, she hadn't been the closest to him during her childhood but after her grandmother she felt like their bond had began to grow, it had grown stronger in the last five years or so and losing it had been a blow the fourth year hadn't been ready for. She doubted anyone ever would be ready for it.

A soft smile took over Lilith's features at how Felix was putting it. How remembering everything her father was was him living on. It was very true and she admired the Gryffindor all the more for it. For being there for her, for not turning her down at her most vulnerable but opening himself up to her a little too. "Thank you." The Ravenclaw told her friend, pulling him in for another hug. Thankful to have friends around her like him, maybe burying herself into her work and avoiding her friendships hadn't been the way to go. Maybe all she'd needed was to be around her friends, let them be there for her or just being there herself instead of being in the books.

When Felix called for her attention again Lilith looked at him, took in his features as his words began to sink in. She had stopped crying already, but that didn't stop a fresh batch of tears from falling free as he continued talking. Lilith wasn't sure how to express how much his words meant to her, how much knowing she had him in her corner meant to her. "Thank you, for sharing those words with me, I had no idea you were this smart." She said teasingly, hoping it wasn't too soon to start making dumb jokes like that. "But also thank you. For being a good friend, for being there for me, for understanding, even when you didn't have to. Thank you Felix, I appreciate you and I appreciate our friendship." She did, so much so that she wanted to give him a special piece of herself, that she only gave to those most important to her.

"You know, I have this thing where I give a nickname to those dearest to me. A nickname after a star." She began explaining, taking a bit of space between the two as she still looked at her friend. "Eoghan has one, my parents and siblings both do too, my grandma had one and Susie and Tori have ones too, I think it is about time you get one too." She explained with a faint smile. She'd thought on the name, there was one she'd always liked but hadn't found the right person for it. "I think Taika will be the perfect name, it means Peace but it also means Magic in Finnish. I think it fits you because you are kind and you make those around you feel safe, which in turn helps those around you be at peace." She told him with a smile, "Plus you are magical too so that part makes sense as well." The fourth year added, her smile morphing into a grin at her own lame joke, or at least something resembling one. "You don't have to like it but it is there and it just signifies that you'll never get rid of me, ok? We are friends for life now." She said with a nod, almost offering her pinkie to him but deciding that was only between her and Eoghan now, it'd remain to be their thing she'd make promises in words only to others.