Closed The Shape Of Fear

[Lilith Ilves]

To say that Lilith was nervous about the Boggart and how they'd handle it in class would be an understatement. She wasn't sure at all whether or not she wanted her peers seeing what she feared most, she had a pretty solid idea what it might present itself to her as, but she wanted to be sure and wanted to talk to the Professor about it. What made it all so much worse was that the Ravenclaw had phased out completely most of the lesson, so she didn't even know when exactly they'd be practicing with the creature. At least the woman had said Lilith would be free to come by whenever she was ready so that was why she was now standing behind the office doors and laying two knocks on them.

 

[Professor Geovanna Adler-Cade]

Geo was glad that Lilith had asked to speak to her after the Boggart lesson. The Ravenclaw was one of her star pupils, and she had no doubt the girl would do well in facing her own fear. That being said it never hurt to be more prepared, and it hadn't escaped Geo's observations that Lilith had seemed to be a little withdrawn toward the end of the class. "Come on in Lilith," The professor called from inside the room, taking the risk that there wasn't another person who'd just knocked on the door when she'd been expecting only the third year. There were a few students she was having one on one's with regarding the Boggart, and she was more than happy and ready to practice it with Lilith, too.

 

[Lilith Ilves]

As the Professor's voice echoed through the doors Lilith opened them and stepped in before closing them behind her carefully. Taking a look around the office, it being her first time there, she landed her eyes on the blonde woman before walking towards her desk to take a seat. "Hi, I uh wanted to ask, well first of all I kind of am nervous about the Boggart. I have had issues with maladaptive daydreaming and I'm nervous, I'm pretty sure I know what the Boggart will present itself as, and I know it will cause a lot of anxiety." She explained fidgeting with the hem of her skirt, it had been a while since she'd last had a full blown episode of intense daydreams where she'd had hard time refocusing, but the thought of the Boggart had brought it right back with a force. "It's been a while since I have last struggled to keep focus in classes due to anxiety but the Boggart, it's I just don't want to freeze in front of everyone because of whats in front of me, you know? I also kind of missed when we'd be practicing with it..." Lilith admitted, a little ashamed that her issues were rearing their ugly head again, but it wasn't like it was something fully in her control.

 

[Professor Geovanna Adler-Cade]

Geo listened as Lilith approached, telling her of her challenges. The woman wasn't going to pretend to be an expert on everything, but especially something that could hinder a students ability to concentrate. "Can you tell me more about your maladaptive daydreaming?" Geo asked. She wanted to make sure she understood it so that she could recognize it, and would have a better idea of if and when she needed to step in. "Please, take a seat," Geo gestured to the chair opposite her desk. She had a feeling that they would be having a lengthier discussion prior to actually meeting a Boggart than other students had, especially if she was going to make sure that Lilith was ready for it when the time came. "We'll be facing a Boggart in week five," she told the Ravenclaw. It may seem far in the future now, but in reality, it was only a couple of weeks away. "What is it you think will appear?"

 

[Lilith Ilves]

Lilith took the seat offered and raised her eyes back to the Professor, contemplating. She'd only ever really spoken about it with a handful of people, two of them being the cousellor and nurse at Hogwarts last year and one her mum. Professor Adler hadn't taught her for long but she felt comfortable around the woman, enough so that the words seemed to fall out at their own accord. "Well what I have noticed its when I get uncomfortable, anxious or overwhelmed instead of dealing with it I kind of escape to my own head. I start daydreaming about either things from my books, fictional worlds of my own too, or I start living through times from before that bring me a sense of safety." Pausing for a second the third year studied her Professors face for any signs of judgement before continuing. "Usually I just stare ahead and fidget with whatever my hands can find, often this locket" She brought her hands around her neck grasping the familiar shape around it. "Sometimes I even talk to myself, its a little incoherent though my mum says." Giving a shrug Lilith drew in a breath.

"Usually my boyfriend notices it pretty early on, I don't know how he does it but he seems to know how to talk to me. Calm me down and bring me back, my mum can do it sometimes too I think its just a matter of making me feel grounded and safe. Being patient," She explained, smiling a little. Then the question of the Boggarts shape was brought up. It was in week five, it wasn't too soon but it was sooner than she was ready for, perhaps it would always be. Swallowing thickly Lilith brought her eyes back to her lap. "I know this might sound silly, but I think currently my worst fear would be for my boyfriend just to disappear. In one way or another not having him around would break me, it used to be my family but they aren't here all the time he is. I know its silly given I'm so young but he means a lot to me and I don't know where I'd be without him he is also my best friend." She didn't want her fear of Eoghan disappearing on her or leaving her be diminished by her age, but it had always been something important to her. To be seen, to be known. Not for what she could do, but for who she was. Her grandmother had seen and known her like that, so in a way she'd already lost a connection like that once, but she'd also regained it with Eoghan. Lilith was so afraid the rug would be pulled from under her feet again in that form and it was silly, but it'd be easier if her fear was something other than abandonment or being left, whatever this particular thing actually was.

"Professor, I am absolutely terrified it'll happen in the middle of the lesson. I don't want to fail in front of everyone. It would, that's not who I am. I don't want to disappoint." Maybe it was again a situation where she put too much pressure on herself, but it seemed mortifying. Freezing up and not able to do anything because her brain turned on her and refused to function under anxiety from seeing her fear.

 

[Professor Geovanna Adler-Cade]

The woman listened as Lilith explained the process. It was important for her to know what happened from the student's point of view if she was going to help her, although she was pleased to hear Lilith going into considerable depth with her about how it made her feel. Geo wasn't trained like a councilor nor had any experience working in a health department, however she was a mum, as she would do her best to look out for all the children under her umbrella of protection. Even as a young girl prior to joining Hogwarts, her goal had always been to look out for others, to protect them and support them. She'd done her best at school purely so she was in a position that could help, joined the Aurors to put away those that practiced dark magic that threatened those in their world, and had taken up teaching so that she could connect with not just the children in her family, but as many children as possible. She was a mum of eight, but as far as she was concerned, she had taken on the role of mum for all the children at school while their own parents weren't with them.

"Is your boyfriend in the class too?" She had an inkling it was one of two students she'd seen hanging around frequently with Lilith, although Geo wasn't certain. "Is he aware that the Boggart may look like him?" She had firsthand experience that anyone who wasn't expecting to see themselves step out of the wardrobe, well it could be quite alarming for them to say the least. It probably wouldn't help the matter at hand if they had to worry about Lilith's boyfriend, too. Geo shifted a little in her seat, wondering how much of her own life to divulge. "When I was your age, I was dating my best friend too." She told Lilith. Actually, she'd been a year younger, although her own third year had still been filled with relationship drama. "I don't think it's silly at all to fear losing someone meaningful to you." The year she's not spoken to Jess had been one of her hardest while at school.

Professor Adler thought for a moment. The primary issue would be that Lilith fell into a state that she couldn't control, if the fear of the Boggart became too much. However, there was still something else that needed to be said to clear the air, "Not being able to handle a Boggart on the first few attempts isn't something to be considered a disappointment." Geo leaned forward, imploring Lilith to look at her, "Coming up against some of the creature we're learning about is difficult for a reason. We study them so that we're prepared. If we were already prepared for them, we wouldn't bother going through it in a class," she said with a small smile on her face, doing her best to reassure Lilith. "Besides, from what I've around learnt about you, you're not the type to half-ass anything, so even if it takes a little time, I believe you'll get there."

 

[Lilith Ilves]

Lilith let out a shaky breath as the woman's calming presence filled the room and then she asked the question she hadn't even dared to think of herself. Her heart started hammering as she began to overthink how in the world she was going to bring this up, casually might she add, to her boyfriend. One didn't simply just go 'Oh hey! By the way you might be my Boggart LOL sorry but that's just how it is.' But she needed to tell him prior but how? Everyone else would see it too and then it'd be like a slap across his face and her too and the room was closing in on her. Why did they have to face their deepest fears? Why couldn't it be like their silliest fears? Like a um toilet getting clogged mid flush? Please that would have been so much easier. "He is in the class and no he doesn't know yet but I think I have to tell him if the Boggart is him before time, it wouldn't be fair on him not to. Especially since he wouldn't be the only one seeing the Boggart, but the whole class would." Lilith reasoned with a shaky voice, no it wouldn't be fair and she'd have to find a way to make him aware beforehand. Listening to the Professor Lilith smiled, it was nice to know that an adult didn't think her silly for the fear or for her relationship at the age she was. She also gave a nod and a small thank you, simply for the woman's own openness.

Biting into her bottom lip the Ravenclaw warily brought her eyes back up to the Professor talking to her. It made sense that they'd study these dark creatures to be prepared, it didn't make it any less daunting nor did it really help too much hearing it wouldn't mean she was a disappointment. It had always been one of her issues, putting too many expectations and too much pressure on herself to excel at everything she did. Lilith was trying to go easier on herself about it but it was a work in progress still. Eyes widening a snort escaped her at the Professors words, never in her wildest dreams would she have expected a Professor to use the word ass, back in Finland the teachers were always so proper and it seemed no different here, though something about it cast a slight ease in her. It all seemed less serious. "I know, I know. I think I just expect a lot from myself generally so little mistakes feel like huge ones and I just always think that I have to prove myself by being good." It certainly felt that way most of her childhood with her parents, her grandma had given her the attention but her parents' attention had been on the twins. only way to get it was academic validation and success. "I'm also nervous what if its a complete one-eighty and the Boggart isn't what I think it'll be? I'll just get a huge whiplash from that then too."