Closed The One That Set Me Free

[Blake van Houten]

Blake hadn't realised just how much having his sister around at school would bother him until she was actually here, her presence like a splinter under his skin digging deeper at every turn and aching more with every move he made. He was being watched now, not just by the many anonymous eyes of his peers expecting him to be the cool guy he had spent five years making himself into, but the eyes of his family, his father's judgement lurking from behind Jenna's gaze. Everything up until now had been a rehearsal, and now that it was time to be the person he had wanted to be all his life, he didn't want to be that person anymore.

The person Blake wanted to be, the version of himself he kept coming back to, was the one who came out whenever he talked to Lars. Though they had only had a handful of civil conversations, the thought of how it had felt to be so open with someone had been haunting him for months. Every time he lied to his father about girls at school, every time he exaggerated his Quidditch wins to his mother, the fakeness of the persona he had spent a life building grated more and more, now that he knew how it felt to just... shed all of that posturing. And Lars... Lars himself had become the star of all Blake's dreams, the icon for a life he could live, and so much more. Blake had never really had a good kiss before in his life, but he couldn't stop wondering how it would feel to kiss the Ravenclaw, to be kissed, to be wanted by someone he wanted back, for all the right reasons.

For some reason it had never so much as crossed Blake's mind to avoid Lars when he returned to school. He hadn't spoken to the other boy in public, sure, but from the first moment he had spotted Lars across the tables at the welcome feast, all Blake had wanted was to be alone with him again. It hadn't taken long for him to cave, slipping Lars a note during class with directions to a room Blake was fairly sure nobody used for anything, and was absolutely certain Jenna wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near. Filled with anxious energy as he waited for the Ravenclaw to join him, Blake paced back and forth between dusty desks, wishing he had a snitch to play with, anything to do to burn off the nerves twisting his stomach at the thought of talking to Lars again.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Being back at Hogwarts was both comforting and strange. Lars really couldn't deny anymore that he was one of the older students at school anymore, and he had the responsibilities to match. He still half expected a teacher to tell him they'd made a mistake and take away his prefects badge, but so far that hadn't happened. But he had mostly gotten used to all of this last year, when he had started being a prefect and Quidditch captain as well. He realized that he'd changed a lot. He was still awkward and uncertain, but less shy and nervous than he used to be. He also had completely gotten over Elliot, which was a relief. It felt like the two of them could finally be real friends again, without something awkward hanging in the air between them.

But there was something else that was hanging in the air, something Lars couldn't quite define. There was something going on between him and Blake, even if he feared it was one-sided on his part. Ever since he'd talked to Blake about his secret, when Blake had confided in him about being gay, Lars had started to look at him differently. He'd told himself it was stupid, to think that Blake might be interested in him just because he liked boys. Blake was handsome and popular, even if he liked boys he wasn't going to like a boy like Lars. But he'd also been vulnerable and lost, something Lars had never expected to see in the other boy. He remembered how he used to be so scared of Blake, and now that thought seemed ridiculous. Now that he'd seen him desperate and hugged him to comfort him, it was hard to remember the bully he used to be.

The Ravenclaw had told himself to forget about Blake. To move on from everything that had happened last year. Blake had said himself that they couldn't be seen together by his sister, who might suspect something was up because Lars wasn't the type of person Blake would usually hang out with. So Lars had resigned himself to not seeing much of Blake outside of classes, even if the thought made him sad. But a note had appeared on his desk during class, and the familiar handwriting had made it clear who had given it to him. He was trying not to look too hopeful as he headed to the abandoned classroom, glancing around nervously before heading in. At the sight of Blake, he smiled. He quickly closed the door behind him. "Hi." He said, feeling oddly breathless.

 

[Blake van Houten]

If Blake had thought he was nervous before Lars showed up, it was nothing compared to how he felt when the Ravenclaw actually showed up. His face snapped into a broad grin, backed by nerves rather than his usual bravado, and he scrambled slightly for what to do with his arms, eventually settling for shoving his hands roughly into his pockets. "Hey!" Blake said too brightly, flushing a little as he tried to pull back the level of his voice. "Uh, hi! What's, uh... what's up? How was your holiday?" He asked, voice still artificial and tight. How could this be so difficult? He had never had trouble talking to girls, charming them into falling for him... it had all been easy, had been a game he was good at, but this... this was real, and Blake had no idea what to do with himself anymore.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars leaned against the door he had just closed, his hands behind his back as he surveyed the room quietly for a moment. He was sure Blake was feeling a strange tension in the air too, as he was acting rather strange. Lars looked at him, and then cracked a grin as he realized just how weird this all was. Strangely, it made him feel more at ease than he thought he would. "You asked me here to ask about my holidays?" He asked, raising his eyebrows slightly. "Blake, I don't think we've ever talked about stuff like that. If you wanted to just ask me that, I don't think this much secrecy is necessary." He added. "Though... I guess it was fine." He shrugged. "How was yours?"

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake could feel his smile deflating as Lars immediately questioned him on what this was all about. Had he misunderstood? Was this weird? Blake was so used to just barrelling through life and having things work out for him, he didn't know what to do in this new world with Lars where he didn't know any of the rules. "Oh..." He said awkwardly, shrugging and putting his hands in his pockets far too casually. "No, I was just... you know... trying to be polite and stuff? Like... friend stuff?" Even Blake could hear the nerves in his voice, glancing at Lars' face. It felt sad to ask this, a question he had never considered with anyone he had known before, but Lars.... Lars was always another story. "We're... friends, right?"

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars shook his head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel weird." He said softly. "I just... wonder if the secrecy is necessary for friend stuff." He paused, his face falling a little. "I guess it is." He muttered, remembering what Blake had said last year. Apparently it was suspicious to even be seen with Lars, as friends. He should have realized that. "Yes, we're friends." He said softly, his shoulders sagging slightly. "I just.... wondered if that was the only reason you asked me here." He said, not wanting to give voice to the quiet hope he'd had in his heart. It seemed it had been misguided. "So how was your break?" He added, trying for a more casual tone of voice.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake's heart sunk further when Lars asked about the secrecy, shrugging awkwardly. "I just... don't wanna give Jenna any reasons to ask questions." He mumbled, eyes flicking to Lars' for a second before looking away. He looked up again quickly at the next thing Lars said though, searching his face for meaning warily. "I, uh... I mean, like... what reason do you think I have?" Blake asked, the nervousness that crept into his voice now painfully familiar. How was it that Lars made him feel like this totally different person to how he had seen himself his whole life? And when had Lars gotten so much taller than him? He had been subconsciously inching closer, but faltered when Lars asked about his holiday, shrugging awkwardly. "Fine..."

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars nodded, trying not to feel sad about the comment about Blake's sister. The reminder that they were in entirely different worlds, that Blake was out of his league in every way. He blushed faintly as Blake asked what reasons he thought he had, and he swallowed as he realized Blake was moving closer to him. He couldn't help that his heart started racing, though he could only pray Blake didn't notice. He was probably just asking normal questions, and Lars was the one making it weird. "Uh." He said, moving slightly closer as well without really meaning to. "Just... if you had more questions. Or wanted to...talk about it." He said softly, his gaze moving over Blake's face questioningly.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake had been half-braced to move away, but then Lars was moving even closer, and Blake could feel the soft rush of his breath, just enough to skim across his skin. His heart thumped in his chest like he had been running for hours, the rushing blood almost making him lightheaded. Everything felt... surreal, heightened by adrenaline and nerves, like a dream Blake had had a thousand times over. He wanted desperately to move, to close the gap between them, but memories of Tyler held Blake frozen where he stood. Everything had gone so wrong after he had kissed Tyler, the one time Blake had acted on his feelings before. He trusted Lars to keep his secret even if this all went wrong, but... he just didn't know if he could carry that pain all over again.

But Lars... it wasn't true that Blake had only acted on his feelings once. He had talked with Lars, told him things he thought he would keep bottled up all along, and Lars had carried those secrets with so much kindness. He was so kind, and so close... Blake looked up into his eyes again, warm and rich and knowing. Lars knew him. Like nobody else ever had. And he was so close, and warm, and tall... Blake finally stopped fighting his instincts, heart hammering in his chest as the invisible bands holding him back snapped and he surged forth, pressing his lips to Lars'.

In his dreams this had been a dramatic, passionate moment, hungry and desperate after years of yearning, but reality didn't carry the same kind of gravitas. He could barely bring himself to do more than press his lips to Lars', leaning up slightly to reach. For all the drama the physical moment lacked though, Blake's inner world was doing somersaults. He had never felt anything like the joy and relief of letting himself be, of taking a chance on his feelings, of living in this moment where he was here, alive, kissing Lars.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars watched Blake carefully, trying to guess what his reaction would be. Did he want to talk? Did he have questions? Or was there something else? His expression was difficult to read, and dread was starting to set in the longer the moment lasted. What if Lars had read the situation all wrong? Blake was good looking, Lars had always known that. But now he had started to feel like maybe there was more of a connection between them. Had he been deluding himself? Lars realized just how close they were standing, and started to apologize for it. But then Blake surged forward suddenly and kissed him. Lars lost his balance for a second from the force, but managed to stay upright. His brain felt like it was exploding from the sudden shock, but he didn't really particularly need his brain right now. All he could focus on was the feeling of Blake's lips on his own, and he responded to the kiss almost automatically. It felt real, and very nice. Lars tried to focus entirely on that, but before long realized he had no idea what to do with his hands. They hovered awkwardly around Blake, wanting to touch him but not quite daring to, even as the Slytherin was kissing him.

 

[Blake van Houten]

For a heart-stopping moment it felt like Lars was going to pull away and Blake was prepared to break the kiss, to apologise, to do whatever he needed to do to make this right... but then something changed in their balance, and Lars was kissing back. The rush of feelings that rushed over Blake felt like being born, like this was the first real moment of his life, everything before had just been a long practice to get him to here. Whatever else happened to him, Blake could never go back to the life he had lived before now. He felt alive, and free, and whole. His hands wound their way into Lars' hair almost automatically, pulling the taller boy down slightly to get him closer, lips parting slightly to capture one of Lars', relishing every second of this perfect, life changing kiss.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Slowly, Lars' brain was reassembling itself and starting to comprehend the situation. He opened his eyes slightly, vaguely wondering when he'd closed them. But yeah, that really was Blake, and he really was kissing him. Lars closed his eyes again, content to enjoy the kiss for now. Apparently his worries about touching Blake were unfounded, as in a surprising move, Blake was the one to pull him closer while winding his hands into his hair. Lars' stomach did a few flips at the feeling, and then his hands settled on Blake's waist as they continued to kiss. He didn't want the moment to end, knowing that they would have to talk about this afterwards. Talking was overrated, clearly. Kissing was much nicer. Less terrifying than having a conversation about this, at least.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Lars' hair was soft, just like his lips, and Blake felt as though he could almost be distracted just by that. He could spend hours just running his fingers through it, cherishing the feeling of something he had yearned to reach out and touch for so long. All of Lars felt like that, soft and warm and heart-wrenchingly real against him. No dream could compare to this, no daydream even came close. The thought of future complications didn't even cross his mind, melting entirely into the perfect moment.

 

[Lars van Houten]

While Lars was terrified of breaking the kiss, after a while, he realized they had to. Reluctantly, he pulled away, though not very fair. He rested his forehead against Blake's, and looked at him for a moment. "Okay." He breathed. "That... was unexpected." He said, though he kept his hands on Blake's waist. "Unexpected but, uh... cool." He added, wanting to make sure Blake knew that he wasn't disapproving of this. It came out rather awkwardly, but he was pretty proud of himself for forming any words at all.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake quietly thought he would be perfectly happy to live in this kiss for the rest of his life. He could starve to death contented that he experienced this perfect, life-changing kiss. But everything had to come to an end, and the second Lars' lips were no longer sealing his own, dread began to seep in. Sure he had kissed back, but... did that really mean anything? Had Lars just... pitied him? He didn't quite dare open his eyes until he felt Lars' forehead against his own, finally looking out to search the Ravenclaw's eyes desperately with his own. Lars didn't look angry, thank god, but any nuance beyond that, Blake couldn't identify. What did this mean?

He tensed very slightly as Lars spoke, the contact between them the only thing keeping him grounded. Lars hadn't pulled away, wasn't angry, but... Blake only finally relaxed when Lars said it had been cool, laughing nervously. "Cool?" He said, surprised at the amount of hope in his own voice. "I mean... uh... yeah. It was cool." He smiled shyly, pushing down the jitters threatening to bubble over. Even his voice didn't sound like his own anymore. "It was really cool..."

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars half expected Blake to freak out ore ven get mad at him, but instead he laughed nervously in a very adorable way. Lars smiled at him, feeling his heart speeding up a bit. Oh no, he really liked Blake like this. When he was vulnerable and opened himself up, but Lars knew that was a version of Blake that was rarely seen. He was suddenly very aware of their hidden location. "Yeah." He said, a little awkwardly as well. "Glad you uh, agree. And you're like... an expert of cool." He said, nudging Blake slightly in an attempt to make the moment a little lighter. But it definitely felt a little awkward as well.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake didn't think he had ever really giggled before today, but there was no other word for the sound that escaped his mouth when Lars called him an expert of cool. "Totally, yep. That's my brand." He said, almost not recognising his own voice. He sounded.... happy, in a way that felt unfamiliar yet right, a jacket that fit like his own skin on the first trying. He met Lars' eyes again, heart skipping a beat. Whatever was happening in this moment felt so right, and Blake was so scared of discussing it. "Can... I kiss you again?" He asked softly, heart sticking in his throat as he spoke. Right now, that was all he wanted to do.

 

[Lars van Houten]

The laugh that escaped Blake made Lars' heart flutter, and he knew in that moment that he was in trouble. He stared at him for a moment, looking at him in a whole new light. The moment their eyes met, Lars wanted nothing more than to kiss Blake again. To forget about every reason it was a terrible idea and just go back to not thinking. Apparently, Blake was thinking the same thing. The question made Lars smile, and he nodded. "That's what I wanted to ask." He admitted before leaning forward again and capturing Blake's lips in another kiss. He knew he would worry about this later, a lot. But for now, he could just enjoy the moment.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake was deeply famililar with what it felt like to fly, and that was how he knew without a doubt that this was better. Soaring didn't begin to describe what his heart did at Lars' response, and if the Ravenclaw hadn't beaten him to closing the gap between them, Blake would have done so in an instant. He held nothing back this time, kissing Lars desperately and earnestly, perfectly willing to just drown in this moment until there was nothing of him at all left. If he died in this moment, it had still happened, and that was all that mattered. Blake couldn't bear to pull away from Lars, even when air became an issue, mumbling clumsily against his lips in a momentary pause for oxygen, "I like you so much..."

 

[Lars van Houten]

Kissing was so much easier than talking, and Lars happily went along with it. He ran his hand into Blake's hair, still quietly amazed that the other boy let him do that. He wasn't sure if he could completely let his guard down around Blake yet, but it was easier with each second that passed. The boy felt a bit of disappointment when Blake pulled away, though he realized that he was starting to get a little lightheaded from both the kiss and the lack of air. It took him a second to realize what Blake had said, and he jerked his head back in surprise. "You... you do?" He said a little breathlessly.

 

[Blake van Houten]

The words had slipped out of Blake's mouth without really passing through his head, and it wasn't until Lars reacted that he really realised the gravity of what he had said. He didn't want to go back on anything that had happened today, but there was absolutely no hiding from it now. The familiar instinct to deny bubbled up in his stomach, but Blake was too far gone now, so he pushed it down and nodded nervously. "Yeah..." He said softly, searching Lars' eyes to try and figure out how the Ravenclaw felt.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars couldn't help smiling at Blake, feeling both surprised and relieved. Even though the two of them had kissed quite a bit now in this short span of time, hearing that the other boy liked him was still a surprise. The smile turned into a shy grin as the words really sunk in. Then he touched Blake's arm lightly. "I like you too." He said softly, almost surprised to find it was true. He liked this Blake, a lot. Though he still couldn't entirely forget the old Blake either.

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake had heard people say they liked him before, and it had always felt like a testament to him. Affirmation that he was every bit the cool and popular boy he was supposed to be. But coming from Lars... Blake felt seen, and wanted, in a way he never had before. It was becoming clearer and clearer that nobody had ever really known him before, and now that he knew how this felt, Blake didn't think he could ever go back. His face almost ached from how wide he was smiling, a smile he had to fight to suppress as he leaned in to kiss Lars again, heart racing and mind spinning. This was where he was supposed to be.