Closed Switched Positions

[Eric Holland]

Eric had no idea if this was a good plan or not, but he felt like he needed to do this for Connor’s sake. Things between them hadn’t gotten any better since their argument and Eric wanted it to stop. He needed Connor, and he needed Connor to be okay. He knew his mum was trying to shield him from just how badly Connor was doing, but Eric knew his little brother better than anyone. And he knew what Connor craved most of all. He was glad he had asked Holden the address one of the times their dad had just dropped him off at their place, it now came in handy. He realized he was in the same position now that his dad had been in when he came to see them and had found Eric at the door. He doubted his father would throw a punch, though. Eric took a deep breath, then rang the doorbell.

 

[Ryan Marshall]

The start of the school year had been perhaps the biggest relief Ryan had ever experienced. He wasn't delusional - he knew he wasn't going to be in line for any Father Of The Year awards any time soon. After the last exhausting, painful few years, the fact that there weren't any grieving children in his home... it was like being on holiday. He could finally just... be. He was relishing the opportunity to do nothing, without being braced for whatever Holden's latest anger fit would bring. He had just opened a beer when there was a knock on the door, sighing heavily. Time off was too much to ask obviously. He hauled himself out of his seat and headed to the door, mind going blank immediately at the sight of his oldest son. Apparently time off from kids entirely was just too much to ask. "Oh." He said blankly, trying to figure out what Eric could be here for. Hopefully not to hit him again.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric sighed at his dad’s reaction as he opened the door. He hadn’t exactly expected a warm welcome, but it still wasn’t very nice. “Oh.” He mimicked, before reminding himself he was going to be mature. “We need to talk. It’ll be quick.” He said, taking a step forward to indicate he was planning to come in.

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Ryan raised an eyebrow as Eric mocked him, wondering for a moment if this was actually Holden in disguise. They sounded, and looked, so similar. Whatever changes he had tried to make to his life, they all seemed to catch up to him in the end. He considered saying no when Eric asked to come in, but that felt too far, even for him. He had been running and running from Eric his whole life. "Did you just come to make fun of me?" He couldn't resist asking pointedly as he opened the door wider for his oldest son.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric felt the sick feeling to his stomach again he got so often around his dad as he raised his eyebrow, in the same way Eric knew he himself did. He wished he looked a bit more like his mother, it was weird to be so frustrated with someone who looked so much like him. “No.” He said, stepping into his house. He tried not to think about how his dad had probably lived here with his new wife and new kids for years. But he did immediately feel himself tense, his gaze scanning the walls for pictures of Holden and Penelope on the walls. He turned to his dad instead. “I’m here to talk about Connor.” he said. “Just for a bit. I promise.” He added quietly.

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Ryan closed the door behind Eric, taken aback for a moment by how strange this was. A couple of years ago, he had never expected to see his oldest son again. And now here he was, a man - a man who hated him, standing in his home. Visiting his old life hadn't felt nearly as strange as having his old life visit him here, at the heart of his new life. He tensed slightly when Eric said what he was here for, nodding uncomfortably. "Of course - what's going on?" He asked, leading Eric to the living room so they could sit down. "He seems a bit... on edge."

 

[Eric Holland]

As soon as the door closed behind him, Eric felt the urge to open it again and bolt. This was so strange, especially because it was very clear Ryan didn’t want him here, which still hurt, somehow. Eric pushed it aside. He looked around the living room for a moment, quietly trying to figure out if they had a similar taste in furnishing, before pushing that thought away too. It wasn’t like Eric had the sort of money to actually have a taste in furniture anyway, he kind of just got what he could get for cheap for now. Eric sat down on the couch, perching on the edge as if he was ready to bolt at any moment. He turned to his father. “First… this stays between us, okay?” He said, his jaw set as he watched Ryan for a reaction.

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Even after having been reaquainted for a couple of years, Eric still felt to Ryan as though he belonged to another life altogether. It was one thing to see your past out in the wild, and another entirely to watch it settling into the home of your new life. But... here he was. Ryan nodded as he took a seat too, not bothering to offer Eric tea or coffee. Neither of them wanted to drag this visit out any longer than it had to be. "Right, sure." He said warily, only more nervous now.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric knew he had to say what he had come here to say now, as difficult as it may be. He took a deep breath. “Alright. It’s about Connor.” He said, staring at his hands as he spoke. “We’ve been... fighting, for a while. About you, mostly.” Eric looked up, glaring at Ryan accusingly. “He still loves you. Still wants your approval. He defends you to me every chance he gets. Every time you come over he gets excited and tries his best to be… the best he can be, like it’ll convince you to stay with him. It makes me sick.”

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Whatever Ryan thought this visit might be about, it all twisted at once. "Oh." He said slowly, processing the information. "I didn't.... ask him to do any of that. I didn't know." He explained, trying to figure out what was happening.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric grit his teeth at Ryan’s reaction, though he knew he couldn’t blame him. He hadn’t known, but why hadn’t he? “I know you didn’t.” He snapped, voice sharp. He took a deep breath. “I know you didn’t. But he still believes in you because he’s good.” He swallowed thickly. “He’s… he’s good. A good person.” He repeated, frowning as he looked down. “He deserves a dad. I know you’re a shitty dad, we both know it. Even with Penelope and Holden you don’t know what you’re doing. But Connor doesn’t see it. He refuses to hear anything bad about you. You would only have to-” He cut himself off, shaking his head. He hadn't explained this right, he needed to do this right. “No, wait, let me start over.” He said, pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment.

Eric took another deep breath, looked down at his feet, then started again. “Connor deserves better. I know you back when we were small, that you didn’t leave because of him. He was just a baby. I know it was- it was because of me.” His voice shook on that last word, but he went on. “So it’s not fair that he had to suffer without a dad because of that.” He said, voice growing steadier again. “So I’m here to ask you for that. To- to be a dad to him. You don’t have to do a lot. Connor would be happy with any attention you give him. Just… just go visit him sometime, take him out for a drink. Or to go for a walk. Hell, a f**king floo call would make his week.” Eric said, looking up at Ryan with a sort of angry desperation. “Please.” He added the simple word visibly costing him a lot to say.

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Ryan had never heard his oldest son talk for so long all at once, and his heart sank deeper and deeper as Eric went on. The, "No," that came out was almost instinctual, spoken before he had thought it. "I didn't leave because of you Eric, I never..." His hands twisted uncomfortably as he tried to summon the courage to speak. "I left because of me. I'm not a good... I'm not built to be a dad. You both deserved better, so... I left." He couldn't bring himself to look at Eric. "I know it was cowardly, but... it was the best I could give you." The self doubt rolled inside Ryan, pushing him to just run, escape this conversation, escape all of his kids before he could ruin Penny and Holden too. But it was too late now - the damage was done, and he didn't have anyone to leave them with.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric inhaled sharply at Ryan’s words. It felt like a punch to the gut, and he would know. A small part of him had been waiting to hear this for years, that it wasn’t his fault. Unfortunately, it was quickly overshadowed by the much louder voice that rejected this notion entirely. “That’s a lie!” He said angrily, getting to his feet. “That’s not true, you couldn’t have thought leaving us with nothing was better. You just wanted to leave- you- you didn’t- you don’t-” Eric’s words spluttered to a stop. He clenched his fists, then closed his eyes and counted to twenty, forcing himself to calm down. The way he had been taught to.

His eyes still closed, he sat down. “I don’t care.” He finally said through gritted teeth, a clear lie. “I don’t care. I accepted a long time ago that I won’t ever have a dad and I’m fine with it. “ He said, opening his eyes again like it cost him a lot of effort. “You’re not listening to me. I’m here for Connor. You don’t know how messed up he’s been. He- he needs you.” Eric leans forward, pleadingly. “Nothing I did can fix it, nothing mum does either. He only wants you to see him, just a little. I’ve never asked anything from you.” He said, his voice breaking. “And I- I promise. Look. I’ll promise that if you do this, I’ll never ask for anything ever again. You won’t have to be my… my dad in any way, ever. If you’re his.” He swallowed, pushing down some traitorous tears. “I won’t ask for anything ever again for the rest of my life, if you just give him the time of day.” He repeated. “Please, dad.”

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Ryan hadn't expected such an aggressive reaction from Eric, and he couldn't keep the shock off his face as the young man spoke. "It wasn't your fault." He said shakily as the young man went quiet. "It really wasn't anything to do with you. I was young, I didn't know how to be a father." He went quiet as Eric went on, heart only sinking lower. "I'm... I can't just... fix Connor." He said shakily. "I'm not good at this stuff, Eric, I'll only make things worse. Whatever he's going through, I can't... help him with it."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric wanted to scream and cry like a little kid. Here he was, asking one small thing from his dad. A thing every other dad in the world seemed capable of without having to be asked. Here he was, being more open and vulnerable with Ryan than he had ever thought he could be, and it wasn't enough. It hurt, hurt that even now Ryan was defensive and trying to weasel his way out of it. Eric felt the tears burn in his eyes now, unable to push them down again. “Showing you cared about him even a little would help him.” He said, his voice hollow. “I know you can’t fix him. But you can help.” He said, staring at him like he couldn’t understand him. “You don’t know how much it hurts, that you don’t even seem capable of pretending to give a sh*t.” He said quietly. “But Connor still believes you can. That you might give a single f**k as long as he’s good enough, so please, pretend for him. Just for a few hours.” He said, swallowing. “I can pay you?” He added, knowing it was a desperate last-ditch effort.

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Ryan's heart leaped into his throat, curling around his esophagus, gripping hard as he tried to force the words out. "You - I don't want you to pay me..." He said weakly, scrambling for the right thing to say. Somewhere out there was a good version of him. A brave one, a man who did right by his children, who was there for them, who knew how to be a father. But Ryan wasn't that man, had never known how to be. "I just... I can't make things better. I ruin everything I touch, Eric. I don't want to hurt Connor more."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric hadn’t thought he could feel worse, hadn’t thought he could hate his father more. But that was the worst part, he didn’t truly hate him. He still kept hoping for him to come to his senses, to realize he really did care about him and Connor. But no matter how many opportunities he gave him, Ryan kept evading them. Eric put his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. It took him a long time to speak, and when he did it was muffled. “I’m practically begging you to spend time with your kid.” He whispers. “And you just... won’t.” He slowly lifts his face from his hands. “Your excuses are weak. they’re easy. It’s not too late to try, but you keep saying you can’t do it without trying. How can you hurt Connor more when the thing you’re hurting him with is your indifference?” He asked, shaking his head. “And I can’t- I can’t even say what I think about you because you’ll just use it as a shield. If I say you’re a- a piece of sh*t you’ll quickly nod in agreement just so you don’t have to do anything.” He said, looking at him in disbelief.

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Ryan felt his shoulders pull in more, glancing at Eric for just a moment before he realised the young man was crying, looking away fast. If there was one thing Ryan could be sure about when it came to Eric, it was that he did not want to be seen crying. "Eric, I'm just.... trying to do what's best." He croaked. "You saw my kids - my... my other kids. Penny's a mess, Holden hates me... this is what I do to people. If Connor's struggling, being around me will only make things worse."

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric felt numb, beyond caring about what he looked like. Even now, even after all this, Ryan was still hiding, this time behind his new kids. Eric felt an ache in his chest for both of them. Maybe he and Connor really had been better off. “Yeah, I saw your kids.” He said, frowning. “I saw Penny hold things together in a way no little kid should, more emotionally mature than you have ever been. I spent time with Holden. He's a great kid, under the anger. He doesn’t hate you. He just wishes you loved him.” He said, his voice cracking. “Just like the rest of us.” He got up but didn’t walk away yet, giving his dad one chance to deny the accusation. Still, Eric now knew deep down in his bones that Ryan didn’t love them, not any of them. It hurt like nothing else, and Eric wished he could hurt Ryan just as much. But Ryan wouldn’t care if Eric hated him, so there was nothing he could do.

 

[Ryan Marshall]

Ryan hadn't thought there was much Eric could say to him that he hadn't already said to himself, but he was very quickly proven wrong. The words felt like a knife to the chest and he crumpled slightly, putting his head in his hands. He... he loved his kids, he did, but there was no right way to explain that... sometimes the best way to love someone was to leave them alone. He felt sick as he heard Eric standing up, half wondering if he was going to get punched again. He would deserve it, really.

 

[Eric Holland]

Eric waited for one heartbeat, two… three... He stared at his dad, willing him to deny it. Willing him to say anything at all, anything that indicated that he cared. But he stayed quiet, and Eric felt his heart break all over again. Why did he keep thinking this man couldn’t hurt him more? “Right.” He said, his voice oddly strained. “F*ck. I guess that answers that.” And before Ryan could do any more damage, Eric disapparated with a soft pop, needing to get out of here.