Closed Starry Nights

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas would be lying if he said he hadn't noticed how distant Einar had seemed since they had spent time with Aunt Cassi. Lucas had thought that two weeks was everything he wanted- time with his aunt and Einar, but the way Einar had been... during the visit and after, it had really fed into his insecurities about his self worth. He had kept trying, worried he was just being silly, but nothing he did seemed to matter. He sighed, tossing and turning a bit in his bed. He was careful of his wrist- Gabriel and Dawson had been a little rough when he'd been home and Lucas had sprained his wrist. He'd kept it wrapped and hidden under his robes. He'd slowly been giving Einar more and more space, hoping that with a little bit of time maybe things would be better for the other boy. Unfortunately, that had meant that Dawson had noticed the distance, and after a jumpscare yesterday Lucas had tripped down the stairs and hurt his wrist again. It still felt very tender, and was probably keeping him awake.

He supposed it was a good thing, because he heard Einar leave the dorms. Lucas sighed, and after a bit of debate, he followed after his friend. Einar didn't need to be alone, and Lucas had been trying his best to be supportive. He knew Einar, and he knew where he was probably going to go. He climbed out of bed, slipping his cloak on before following Einar out of the dorm.

It was a clear night when Lucas stepped out onto the towers, hugging his cloak tighter around himself. "Hey," He greeted softly, moving to sit a little bit away from Einar.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar’s break hadn’t been good. Well, it had been exactly how he’d expected but that wasn’t exactly good. His latest batch of foster parents were no better than any of the others. Around but not there for him. Busy with their own young infant child and without the time for him. Einar had spent most of the time in his new cupboard sized room, or sat in the garden as the family moved around him. It was easier to pretend he didn’t exist. He didn’t ask anything of them, avoided taking things without being given them, the family might’ve ignored him, but he was so tired of moving around, perhaps if he stayed out their way, and didn’t ask for anything he could stick around when the summer break came. Even if the break, his birthday, had been so painfully lonely. He had returned to school, too trapped in his own head, too distant from everything, the own thing that seemed to have any real motivation with it was meal times. Part of him knew that he was letting Lucas down by being like this, that while his break had sucked, Lucas had faced his brothers and really Einar thought himself a coward. Einar found it difficult to sleep, and he slipped out of the door on my night. He knew that Lucas wasn’t far behind but he didn’t look back, instead went up and up until he came to the highest point in the school, where the highest window was. He opened it, letting in the cold winter air in and let out a shuddering breath, after a moment of sitting in silence with Lucas next to him the other boy spoke. "Hey," he replied quietly.​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas hesitated as Einar finally spoke softly. Lucas knew that look, it was one he had seen often and his heart ached a little to see it on Einar. Lucas sighed softly, and knowing all to well that he wasn't wanted, he shuffled his feet a moment before turning to go. His shoulders slumped and he tried not to be too discouraged. He had always known that trying to get close to Einar would be... Challenging. But even when Einar had yelled at him, Lucas had never felt like Einar didn't see him. But since the two weeks with Aunt Cassi... Lucas had been trying to convince himself it was just in his head, but honestly... Lucas was starting to think that perhaps he had just hoped for too much from the beginning. He bit his lip, trying to hide his hurt as he felt himself closing off again.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar knew he needed to do more with Lucas, but there was so much in his head that it was difficult to be able to help and be there for him when he had so much else going on. He had been trying but it was hard. He was growing older and the more time he spent without his family the more he knew he’d slowly forget them. Well, he’d hold on to them, but elements of them would be gone, and it was all for Einar to remember. His father’s laugh, the sound of his eldest brother’s voice. The softness of Hewie’s touch, the warmth in his mother’s voice. He let out a long sigh, ”I know you have an awful family Lucas and you won’t understand this,” he said staring out at the expanse and up towards the stars, ”But sometimes I miss them so much it hurts, physically hurts my chest,” he continued, not looking round but knowing he was still there. He opened his mouth to speak again, but whatever words he was trying to go for disappeared. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas hesitated as Einar spoke. The other boy was right, Lucas didn't understand. He couldn't understand. He had never lost anyone. He had never had anyone to lose... not until now. But Lucas didn't know what to do. He wanted to understand, he wanted to help somehow, but he only ever made things worse. He had turned back towards Einar, and unthinkingly reached a hand out for the other boy.

But Lucas stopped, hesitating, and began to draw his hand back. Einar didn't want to be touched. He didn't like it. The sharp pain in his wrist as he pulled it back reminded him that he wasn't needed. He didn't matter. Nothing he had done had helped Einar. No matter what Lucas had tried, he couldn't get through to the other boy. Einar didn't shove him around the way his brothers did, and he didn't completely ignore him the way Lucas's parents did. But Lucas had never felt more alone than he did right now.

It felt like everything came crashing in on Lucas in that moment. He had never had much, but for some... unexplainable reason he had felt drawn to the boy in front of him. Lucas had pestered and pushed and forced his way into Einar's life, but instead of finding the acceptance and hope he had so desperately craved, all he had found was a more profound loneliness. He felt the tears in his eyes as he turned away again. He wasn't needed here. He had never been needed. He didn't matter. Not to his family, not to his only friend, not to anyone. He didn't understand, no matter how desperately he wanted to. He had no one to lose. And it broke what was left of his heart to realize that there was no one to lose him, either.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar felt a little bad for saying what he said, he hadn’t meant it as a slight against Lucas, but he just wanted to tell him why it seemed at times that he just sort of shut down on him. He didn’t mean to be distant, but the loss was so real, so vivid he didn’t know how to manage that and be there for Lucas also. He didn’t have anyone he could speak to because no one around him knew what it was like. He had isolated himself largely to avoid having to tell people, avoid this very situation. To avoid him getting hurt, to avoid others getting hurt because of him. He didn’t look at the boy, ”You’re my only friend in the world Lucas,” he said, ”There is no one else left in the world who cares about me apart from you and I’m such an awful friend who spends so long in his own head I’ll drive you away,” he continued. He still wasn’t looking towards him, but he was speaking softly, his tone harsh but really only to himself. ”You deserve someone better than me, someone who has his sh1t together and can do more than like wail on your brothers,” Einar stopped and took a deep breath. ”I want you around but I’m such a mess that I’ll be a **** and not talk for days or push you away, but I don’t mean it,” he knew that wasn’t a good thing that his loss and hurt didn’t give him a free pass to be terrible to his only friend, but really somethings it was unavoidable. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas stopped again as Einar kept speaking. This whole thing just felt like a huge mess, but Lucas listened. His shoulders slumped a bit as Einar finished. Biting his lip, Lucas scooted closer, reaching out with his bad hand unthinkingly to take Einar's hand in his own. Lucas was confused, and lost, but he had always been. If Einar said he wanted him around, that was good enough for Lucas. Even if he did still feel very small, Lucas had never been anything if not stubborn. He was Einar's shadow, after all.

Lucas's fingers had barely brushed Einar's hand when he realized what he was doing. Eyes wide, he instantly pulled his hand back. "I'm sorry..." He murmured quietly, meaning it for so many different things. But this time he stayed close, not quite touching, but still just... quietly by Einar's side. Lucas still felt a little insecure, but he wiped his sleeve over his eyes and gently took the edge of Einar's sleeve. He wasn't going to go anywhere.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar felt like a little of the weight had been lifted off his chest as he spoke. He knew it needed to be said, but as Lucas’ fingers reached out to him, and he remembered Einar’s dislike of it. He felt bad. He shook his head and appreciated that the boy was close. ”Every time someone touches me, like takes my arm, reaches for my shoulder, I just…” he stopped and sighed heavily. He never brought up the why of his aversion to anyone, not even his therapist. ”I can still feel them, like my mother’s hand on my arm, the way my brother wrapped himself around me,” he said, ”And for a second, no matter the situation I think it’s them, I think it’s her and then it comes crashing back. Now I just avoid it. I know you want it, but Lucas I don’t mean it in a bad way. I just...need warning..need the option to say no,” he knew that Lucas struggled, that given his up bringing he was desperate for some human, kind contact, but Einar just wasn’t in a place to give it. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas felt his heart sinking as Einar spoke. He bit his lip, feeling incredibly guilty. Unthinkingly, he scooted a little further away, letting go of Einar and wrapping his arms around himself. "I... I'm sorry," he managed softly. "It... Im okay, its okay, I won't..." He bit his lip, curling in a little tighter on himself. He took a deep breath, feeling tense and a little on edge. "I just... Make everything worse, don't I?" He didn't really expect an answer. "I don't know why I..." He bit his lip, hard, trying to hide that he was trembling, fingers aching as he pressed them into his ribs to try and keep himself together.

Einar had lost everything, he had nothing left, and Lucas had been hanging around the fringes, trying to force his way in and wanting what Einar couldn't give. It was no wonder his brothers kicked him around, no wonder his parents didn't see him. Okay, maybe he wasn't as okay as he wanted to be. "You deserve better," he managed gently, kicking himself and turning to take off. Lucas felt like an idiot. A pushy, stupid, overbearing brat that kept hurting the only person that really mattered.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar didn’t say it to make Lucas feel bad, though he knew partly that it would. He just needed him to understand it wasn’t because he didn’t like it, or couldn’t perhaps learn to enjoy it, but he needed to do it on his own terms, he needed to be able to have these limits. He just knew that someone like Lucas whose entire life had been devoid of any affectionate touches would want them from the one person who was being nice to him. From his one friend. Einar shook his head, ”You don’t make it worse,” he said. Truly in his mind Lucas didn’t make it any worse than it was already. It didn’t help him. ”It’s normal to want affection from someone you care about….I just.,” he stopped himself from saying any more. Repeating himself wouldn’t help this at all. ”No, Lucas, you deserve better, I have what I deserve. You deserve a friend who’ll hug you like you want to. I can be that, but I just….I just need time,” he didn’t want to lose his one friend because he thought Einar would deserve better than him. The alaskan boy wrapped his arms around himself and sighed, how did he always manage to make things worse, to ruin them. ​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas paused as Einar spoke again. He bit his lip. "Im sorry Im so on edge," he managed softly after a moment. He hesitated before holding out his wrist, pulling back the sleeve so Einar could see he'd wrapped it. "Knocked me down the stairs again. Over break and again a day or two ago." He spoke quietly. "I haven't been sleeping much. Im just... Tired. And it hurts," he tried to explain. "I know... I know you're struggling. And I'm trying to help. I just... I don't know how." He almost laughed but bit his lip instead, sniffling a little. "I've never been more than a shadow. To anyone. I... Don't know how to be what you need." He sighed, shoulders slumped.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar sighed slightly, he looked towards Lucas as the boy showed him his wrist and he felt horrible. His own problems were really nothing in comparison to what Lucas went through. He was just sad and lonely so much of the time. His therapist had said to not minimise his own experiences or compare them to others, but he couldn’t help it, not when so much worse was staring him in the face. ”Why don’t you visit the nurse? You know, get yourself some magical healing stuff,” Einar asked, it would be easier explained as just an accident at school. No one would question it. But he just shrugged, ”Patience Lucas, I need patience,” he said, he didn’t want to say that his getting upset every time Einar rejected the touches always just made him feel worse for it. That it was half instinctual now. ”I’m happy to deal with your brothers the way you want, I don’t mind when you grab my shirt, I don’t mind when you draw on my arm, just be patient with me sometimes,”​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas hesitated when Einar asked why he hadn't just gone to the nurse. He slid his sleeve back over his wrist, looking away nervously. "I... Don't know. I didn't think to... Aunt Cassi is always gone and my parents... Barely respond to me on good days. I guess... Im so used to being unseen I never really thought about asking anyone for help." He admitted softly, unthinkingly rubbing his wrist and trying not to wince too much. He sighed, feeling like an idiot for how poorly he handled... Well, just about everything in his life. He reached out slowly and took the edge of Einars sleeve.

He was silent a moment, biting his lip as he thought. "Do... Do you... Even like being touched?" He asked softly. "When you know its going to happen, I mean. If... If it still bothers you, I- I'm okay with the Teddy bear you made me and your shirt. It's warm." He admitted softly. He still wore Einars shirt to bed most nights.

 

[Einar Haines]

Einar could understand why Lucas wouldn’t, given that no one had ever shown an interest in him, why wouldn’t he hide things but, Einar gave him a little shrug, ”You can at school, I’ll defend you the whole way,’ he thought that might encourage him to go or it would do the opposite but he knew it would take time. For all his reluctance and distance from people, he didn’t question going to get help like that. He didn’t question the therapy he got. He needed the latter, as often as it could be provided. He thought about the question and shrugged a little. ”I don’t know anymore,” he told him. ”Right now, I don’t like it, but sometimes things get better, and maybe in like a year I won’t mind it as much,” Einar told him. He just lay his head back on to his knees and sighed. ”I’m okay with the teddy bear you made me too,”​

 

[Lucas Ames]

Lucas couldn't help the harsh wave of rejection that washed over him. That was it, then. He would never get the affection he craved from the one person that really mattered. He didn't respond, but he didn't leave, either. It... Was better this way, really. Better he knew the truth than hope for something he could never have. Not wanting to leave Einar, Lucas carefully scooted closer. He stopped when he was a little bit away, close but not too close, and carefully reached out to take Einars sleeve. Lucas stayed quiet, not sure what to say really but not wanting to go. He sighed softly, sitting and settling down. He pulled his knees up and rested his head on his free arm.