Pain When You Leave

[Madeline Walden]

Post Halloween​

---

Maddie Walden was nervous. She had probably never been as nervous as she was right now in her entire life and it was all because of James Cade. Everything was because of him these days. Actually, it had always been because of him. She just didn't know it, or didn't want to admit it to herself. Since the kiss that the two had shared (and the deep heart to heart conversation) the past couple of months had been a whirlwind. Despite the intense moment they had shared together in the changing room, James was still with his girlfriend and Maddie was still really confused on where the two of them stood. As a result, she turned up to the Halloween Feast with Lyra's brother as her date in an attempt to distract herself from James (and to annoy Lyra) which had seemed to backfire as James and Lyra seemed stronger than ever at the Halloween feast, much to Maddie's annoyance, which is why she was so surprised to receive a note from James asking to meet her a few days later.

The note had detailed the time and the place but not the content of the conversation, so, Maddie kept going over in her head what James could possibly want to talk about. Halloween, was going to be the main thing (obviously) but Maddie had her own concerns to voice to her fellow Gryffindor too. Nevertheless, she wasn't completely confident about the meeting and kept turning her hands over and over as she made her way to the Cliffs. Despite James being a prefect now, he wasn't that concerned about bending and breaking the rules which Maddie still really liked about him. She took a deep breath as she reached the meeting place and closed her eyes to try and prepare herself for being alone with James, again.

 

[Professor James Cade]

Halloween had been awful. He had already beem dreading an evening of pretending to be mean to Maddie but when she showed up with Link and he had to watch as they pawed at each other suddenly he hadn't been pretending. Things only got worse, and slightly better, before getting worse. Professor Kingsley walking in to find her half naked neice on top of him was not only embarrassing but maybe have destroyed any hope he had of being head boy. No matter, that waa far from his biggest concern. After days of anguish and avoiding the Gryffindor common room James decided to send Maddie a note through their mutual friend (sort of) Matthew. He realised how ridiculous it was to send a note to his fellow Gryffindor through a Hufflepuff to meet at the cliffs when they shared a common room, but he couldn't deliver it himself and it was a conversation he needed to not be overheard.

Thanks to some idiot first years deciding it was funny to use dungbombs in the dungeon, James was running late to meet Maddie. When he arrived she was already there, seeing her against the backdrop of the cliffs, a gentle breeze running through her hair, took his breath away. He didn't know how she would be with him but he knew as soon as he saw her that he could never stay mad at her. "I'm glad you came," He said as he made his way over to her. All he wanted was to hold her, kiss her, claim her for all the world to see but he couldn't. Not yet.

 

[Madeline Walden]

Maddie's heart began to race the second she heard footsteps behind her and she knew it was James. She felt her knees weaken the moment she heard his voice and she crossed her arms to hold onto herself to keep steady. Despite everything, the two Gryffindors could not deny their feelings for one another. No matter how toxic or confusing or intense they may be; Halloween definitely proved that. She turned her head slightly and blushed at the sight of the blonde prefect. "Of course I came, James" she muttered barely above a whisper that got taken by the wind. Maddie turned around fully and gazed at James, after everything the two of them knew how they felt about each other and despite how much it hurt her to see James with someone else; and no matter how hard she tried to move on, they both knew it was fruitless. "What did you want?" she asked him looking for him to the floor, still hugging herself against the wind, trying to ignore the sickening feeling in her stomach. All she wanted was to rush forward and hold James against her for as long as she could but it wasn't the right time, not until she had heard what James had wanted to say.

 

[Professor James Cade]

James needed to focus but it was hard whenever around Maddie. He didn't want to talk but he knew they both jad things theg needed to say. Despite the seriousnessn of the situation he couldn't help but smile at her response. Of course she came, she was always there for him. It was one of the many reasons he loved her. "We should talk about Halloween," He said softly. Maddie had hurt James by showing up with Link and he knew she must be hurt that he was still with Lyra. Why was he? It was a question he simply couldn't answer. There was something else bugging him about thar night, Maddie would have seen him leave with Lyra, her imagination would have run wild. James couldn't shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe she may have done something out of anger and hurt. He hoped he was wrong but couldn't hold it against her if she had. If not for Professor Kingsley's timely interruption, who knows what would have happened between him and Lyra.

 

[Madeline Walden]

Maddie sighed at what James said, she was afraid of talking about Halloween. She was afraid of what James wanted to know and afraid of what James might tell her; about himself and Lyra mostly. She took a deep breath and looked into the Gryffindor's eyes "what do you want to know?" she asked him as nonchalantly as she could. Nothing had happened between her and Link save a couple of kisses, it wasn't him that she wanted. Her main purpose for taking Link to the Halloween Feast was to annoy Lyra and, in spite of herself, she was thrilled to learn that she had succeeded. However, in her quest to irritate Lyra she had enraged the only person that she didn't want to annoy. It had partly been the reason why Maddie had been trying to keep out of James' way for a while because she couldn't bear to have this conversation with him, but she knew that it was time for it.

 

[Professor James Cade]

It was a question that James had expected from her but not something he wanted to answer. He wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to know, not if there was a chance of him finding out something he didn't want to. He silently walked toward Maddie until they were within touching distance. "I don't know, maybe nothing," He began not sure he wanted to continue. "Maybe everything," Given what had almost happened between him and Lyra, he had imagined all kinds of things. "Link, how did you leave things?" James asked cautiously it. He wanted to avoid talking about Lyra as much as possible, he wasn't sure how much Maddie would want to know. All that mattered was nothing had happened and he still very much wanted to be with Maddie.

 

[Madeline Walden]

Maddie's breath caught in her throat as James walked closer and they were barely inches apart from each other. The last time the two of them had been that close they had ended up revealing their feelings for each other in a passionate embrace. She looked James in the eyes when he asked about Link and felt herself getting angry at him for asking the question. "What do you mean how did we leave things? It hasn't particularly got anything to do with you has it James? Especially after not what happened at Halloween. I don't owe you an explanation" she retorted "How did you leave things with Lyra? I have a pretty good idea what happened, it's all over the common room you know. I can't believe the two of you did that. Lyra, yes. But not you. How could you after everything you said to me that afternoon in the changing rooms? Everything that you said to me in there was all just lies weren't they? she continued, angry tears beginning to fill her eyes. This was exactly what she hadn't wanted to happen. She was half angry at herself for getting drawn into Lyra's silly games but equally annoyed at James for doing the same thing too and not stopping it. She was sick of the people that she loved lying to her about how they felt and more importantly, how they felt about her. First Aion lying about not wanting to be with her so he could focus on school when she had seen him around with someone else and now James lying about his feelings about her and Lyra. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath and she looked away from James, it hurt too much to look at him which she hadn't realised till this second.

After Aion, Maddie thought that her heart couldn't have broken any more but she was entirely wrong. This whole situation with James had brought up feelings which she had tried so hard to repress when he got with Charlotte and after the two had confessed their feelings for each other not so long ago she hoped that it would have been the start of something new for the two of them but it seemed that it was not to be. She hugged herself against the wind and continued to avoid James' gaze as she thought about what a fool she seemed in this situation.

 

[Professor James Cade]

James could hear the hurt and anger in Maddie's voice as she talked about what happened with him and Lyra. In truth, nothing had happened. What was important was what had almost happened and what would have happened had Professor Kingsley not walked in. James could stand there assure Maddie that no matter what he wouldn't have gone through with it, but James couldn't say it convincingly. "I lost my mind," James said quietly as she turned away from him. He began to wonder if he could say anything that would make her believe what he was said to her in the changing rooms had been the truth. That he hadn't just been playing her along. "We had a plan, I was going to end it with Lyra after the feast but then I saw you with Link," It was a lame excuse he knew that but it was the truth. There was a plan, they would act like they weren't talking during the feast, throw some shade at each other if they met which they did but the presence of Link had soured things for James. He was hurt for real and he lashed out. James hadn't wanted to spend the evening thinking about Maddie and Link so he took up the most convenient distraction. His girlfriend.

"I know you don't believe a word I'm saying right now," James said closing the distance Maddie had put between them and taking hold of her hand. "As far as I'm concerned, Lyra and I are done bar the actual act of telling her," James had never felt more like his brother when he uttered those words. This was a position Ezra would be comfortable in, juggling two girls, but James didn't want two. He wanted one. He wanted Maddie. "I love you," He said wiping the tears away from her eyes. "It's always been you, it will always be you,"

"I know you said you wouldn't wait forever, but I just need a little more time. Lyra's already planning the stupid Yule ball, I just need to get through that. Then its over. If I don't keep my word, then I don't deserve you," It broke his heart to even say it but James knew he couldn't keep leading her on. His actions needed to back up his words. During the holidays James would end his relationship with Lyra Potter. For himself, for Maddie even for Lyra. "Please trust me," James whispered as he rested his head against hers.

 

[Madeline Walden]

Maddie scoffed at James' pathetic explanation for his behaviour "yeah, you could say that" she replied, rolling her eyes. "Lyra's beautiful so i'm not surprised you can't choose between us. You have a good thing with her, apparently, so why would you risk that for me?" she said quietly, her bottom lip trembling as she tried to keep the thoughts of James and Lyra at the back of her mind. She tried to take a couple of deep breaths to steady herself but it wasn't working. She knew that James had meant the things he had said at Halloween and that cut her even deeper. "The whole Link thing was meant to annoy Lyra not you, James" she explained shakily. "I know you probably think I have no right to be angry right now but I am and I know what our plan was but how could I turn up to the Feast on my own? Especially when I knew you would be there with Lyra. That's not fair James. You couldn't have just expected me to go along with that charade so willingly. You know what its like between Lyra and I and..." she paused "you barely even defended me and then you took her back to your room and did god knows what knowing full well what the situation was with us!" Maddie said in frustration "I guessed you were annoyed with me for bringing someone else but I didn't realise just how much" she finished, looking down at the ground, there was no way that she could look at him.

However, when James took a step closer to her she almost retreated a little more but his hands on her face and the fact that he uttered those three words again meant she was rooted to the spot. She closed her eyes and cupped his hand with hers as he attempted to wipe her tears but he couldn't stop them from falling. Hearing James say "I love you" again almost made Maddie's knees weak and she was glad that she holding onto him. But did he really mean what he was saying? Was Maddie really going to just melt at his words and his touch? She sighed in frustration, this whole situation had all got out of hand. Someone was going to get deeply hurt by the end and if this was just the start, the end was going to be so much worse. Maddie opened her eyes and looked into the hazel eyes that she loved so much and hoped that he was being sincere. "She needs to know James. She needed to know weeks ago but i've waited and I, I just can't do it anymore. Look how hard it is on us James, we're fighting and getting jealous when we shouldn't have to." Maddie insisted, it wasn't fair on any of them involved "you know how I feel about you James, I love you too" she whispered "but this is too hard, I don't know if I can wait till after the Yule Ball... I'm scared" she confessed, her voice breaking. She took a deep breath and continued "I'm scared i'm going to start hating you and I really don't want to do that" she finished as she grabbed the front of his shirt, almost as if she was begging him as tears continued to fall. She rested her forehead on his chest and she felt his head on hers, at least this way she could hide from his gaze and try to compose herself.

 

[Professor James Cade]

James was physically hurt by Maddie's words but he couldn't blame her for saying them. Why wouldn't she think he was struggling to choose between her and Lyra, that was what it would seem like to an outsider but James had hoped that Maddie would know him better than that. Apparently, that wasn't the case and that hurt. "Maddie don't say that there isn't a choice to make, it's you, it's always been you," James reached out and placed his hand on her face, stroking her cheek gently and wiping away the tears that had begun to fall. "I love you, Madeline Rose Walden, I have since the moment I met you and I will until I take my last breath, I just. Need. Time." James exhaled. He hated every moment that he wasn't able to declare his love for her from the rooftop. "I wish you told me about Link," James continued as he decided to address the issues at the Halloween feast. "I could have prepared myself, but seeing him with his hands all over you, I wanted to punch him. If it hadn't been for Lyra I would have, its funny because I like Link but now he's been all over you I can't look at him without my blood boiling," Just thinking about Link and how he had acted with Maddie at Halloween made James's free hand clench into a fist.

"I want to tell her," James whispered. "I want to tell everyone, I want to tell Professor Pendleton, Professor Styx, Jess, Leila, I want to shout it so loud that Rudolf can hear my at Ilvermorny, I want everyone to know that it's you I want to be with. I will tell her but please, I promised the Yule Ball, I have to come through on my promise, I don't want to be that guy who goes back on his promise. You deserve better than that," The hurt and desperation in Maddie's voice as she grabbed onto his shirt and told him she didn't want to hate him. He didn't want that either, it would kill him. "Don't be scared please, it's not that much longer and I won't do anything at the ball other than be a perfect gentleman,
you have nothing to worry about Maddie. Every moment I'm with her you're all I can think about. I love you,
please just trust me a little longer,"