Lost in the Silence

[Odette Madison]

Odette hadn't been herself lately, she knew that. Part of it had been on purpose, not being herself had been the goal. But she felt adrift and lost, and often sad. The only somewhat nice thing to happen to her in weeks was her encounter with Harley, and that was more strange than nice and brought its own set of worries. Her conversation with Professor Pendleton during the previous semester was still often on her mind, and it was because of that that she had eventually made an appointment with the school counsellor. But now that she was finally here, she wasn't so sure if it was the right idea.

Looking at the door, she wondered what the lady would want from her. Probably some long drawn-out story about her personal life. Perhaps she would blame all Odette's problems on not knowing her dad. That's what therapist on television always seemed to do. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. If she walked away now, things would be easier. But then she would go back to the way she was, and the idea of going another semester the way she had was almost unbearable. Without really thinking on it more, she took a deep breath and knocked on the door. It was too late to turn back now.

 

[Maria Madison]

The second semester getting underway meant a new rush of work for Maria, and she was taking a moment before her next appointment to straighten up her office somewhat. She was just returning the last rearranged file to its place in her filing system when she heard a knock on the door. Glancing at the clock, Maria knew this must be her next appointment, and flicked her wand to move a fresh notepad and quill to her desk, next to the girl's file she had been looking over earlier, as she got up to answer the door.

Smiling kindly as she opened the door, Maria wasn't surprised to see that the girl on the other side looked to be visibly unhappy. Opening the door wider, she gestured her inside. "Hi, you must be Odette." She said warmly. "My name is Maria, come on in and make yourself comfortable."

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette regretted knocking the moment she did it, but she knew that turning and running would look weak. There was no time anyway, as the door opened almost immediately to reveal a friendly looking lady, a little younger than her mother. Odette didn't really know much about the counsellor at school, but she could only assume the woman was discreet. Odette glanced around to make sure no one was watching as she slipped inside her office without a word. Only when the door closed did she take a seat, and only then did she talk. "So... what can I expect from you?" She asked. It might be blunt, but she wanted to know upfront.

 

[Maria Madison]

Closing the door, Maria was a little surprised by the girl's bluntness, though it was normal for someone who was struggling to be uncomfortable with the concept of counselling. "Well, my general process for a first session is just to get to know you a little bit, to know what your situation is and what the circumstances are that have brought you here. We'll talk a little bit about your life, and maybe some techniques for handling situations where you aren't feeling your best right now." She said, returning to her seat and flicking her wand to start the quill taking notes.

"The important thing that I have to say at the start of every session is that everything you say to me is confidential. You can think of me as a sounding board for anything you want to talk about. I have no agenda in your life, other than to make sure you're as happy and healthy as possible during your time at Hogwarts. The only situation in which I'll tell anyone about anything you say in here is if I think there's a risk that you're a danger to yourself or someone else. Then I'm required by law to notify someone so you can be properly taken care of." Giving Odette a reassuring smile, Maria crossed her ankles and sat up a little straighter in her chair. "So, this is all about you. What's going on in your life right now that's brought you to talk to me today?"

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette folded her hands in her lap and looked at the woman, following her with her eyes as she moved back to her seat. It made sense that she just wanted to get to know her, but knowing what her situation was seemed complicated. There was so much in her life that this woman didn't know about, how was she supposed to talk about it all? Would she ever understand her if she didn't tell her everything? Opening up was hard, but perhaps she had to.

She wasn't entirely sure if she trusted her words about how everything was confidential. It could just be something she said so students would feel less afraid of sharing their secrets. Despite herself, the words made her feel a little more at ease. Though she was still on her guard. The woman's words made her think, wondering what she would say first. "My... life has changed a lot over the past weeks, it's been making me angry." She said slowly. "I'm not sure where to start. Recently, I lost a lot of my friends and... I just don't know what to do." Tilting her head forward, she hid her face mostly behind her hair. "I've not been happy, for a while." She admitted, the words hard to get out.

 

[Maria Madison]

Maria nodded slowly as she listened. She could see that Odette was going through some serious problems, and that it was going to take a lot to get the girl to feel safe opening up properly. "I see." She said slowly. "That's a lot to be carrying. When you say that you haven't been happy... how long do you think that's been going on?" Maria asked gently, choosing her words carefully. She didn't want to pry too much too fast, but she needed more information from the girl to really be able to help her.

Thinking about what Odette had said, Maria spoke again carefully. "I want to ask a couple of questions about your friends, but if you don't feel ready to talk about it, you can just choose not to answer, okay?" She said gently, trying to reassure the girl as much as she could as she went. "Do you think that... your friends changed and stopped being the people you knew them as, or do you think that you've changed, and stopped fitting in with the person they wanted you to be?" She asked, giving Odette a moment to think about it.

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette didn't look at the woman as they talked, focusing on her fingernails where she was pushing back her cuticles with the nails of her other hand. Her question made her pause what she was doing, struck by the question. She could tell it hadn't been meant as one that was difficult, but it was. How long hadn't she been happy? That begged different question, when had she last been happy? She didn't know. Had she ever been? Or had she only been pretending, unknowingly unfamiliar with the feeling? But how pathetic would that be to say? The closest the could think was the feeling she got while playing quidditch, the one time she had no pretense to hold up. Being with Margo had felt that way sometimes too, but only rarely. And that was over now. Aware that she had been quiet for a long time, she shrugged. "It's been worse the past year." She said evenly. "After I found out some things about my family." She wasn't sure if she wanted her to ask about this or not, a part of her wanted to talk about it but a bigger part of her didn't trust more people with the information. She swallowed the rest of her words for now.

Even though Odette had come here willingly, she felt now that she worried about the questions the women was asking her. Every one was difficult, and even though Maria insisted she could choose not to answer, she was sure that would be wrong somehow. She thought for a moment, then answered. "I think I changed." She said softly. "But maybe I didn't change, maybe I just stopped pretending to be nice. I don't know when I am myself and when I am not. I don't know if I am now, I just know I wasn't before." the words spilled out, and she regretted them instantly. She sounded crazy, even to herself. What if Maria was now going to owl her mother? She glanced up at her, worried.

 

[Maria Madison]

Maria could tell that her questions were difficult for Odette, but could also see that the girl definitely wanted to answer them. She was making a conscious effort to open up despite her instincts, and to Maria that showed a person who really, truly wanted help. Maria only hoped she could be that for the young girl. She nodded as she listened, not surprised to hear that there had been a change in Odette's family. Family problems could be very troublesome for someone her age. "I see." Maria said gently, leaning forward slightly. "Can you tell me about how what you found out has been affecting you?"

Maria stayed quiet while Odette was thinking, allowing the girl time to choose her words in her own way. "That makes sense." She said gently once Odette was finished. "I think that your teenage years are an important time to learn that being yourself can mean a lot of different things. In a sense you're discovering who you're going to be as an adult, without the influence of your parents. This is the time to try things on, different fashions, different personality traits, different interests, whatever you like, and figure out what you like, and who you want to be. You don't need to be certain. It's okay to try different ways of doing things and decide which you like best." She paused. "I want to go back to another part of what you said though. Can you tell me what you meant by 'stopped pretending to be nice'?"

 

[Odette Madison]

It surprised Odette that Maria didn't immediately ask about what she had found out about her family. Either she already knew, or she didn't want to pry. Odette suspected the former but a part of her hoped it was the latter. "It has made me angry." She said plainly. It was true. "Angry, and sad I guess." She shrugged, looking away. "It's not great to hear you're basically not wanted." She muttered, unable to keep that bit to herself. Perhaps it would help her figure out if Maria knew about her situation or not, depending on how she reacted to this.

She listened as the woman talked about being yourself and how the teenage years were the time to figure out who you were going to be. It sounded familiar, but not entirely right. She didn't think her own feelings were just normal teenager feelings, she really felt like there was something wrong with her. She cringed when she zoomed in on one part of what she had said, as she now had to explain it. "I used to pretend more. Like, be nice to people so they like you and then do what you want." She said with a shrug. "Or be nice because it's proper and you're supposed to. But it was exhausting, pretending to be someone I'm not. I just don't know who I am underneath all that."

 

[Maria Madison]

Basing her advice on generalisations was a little difficult, but Maria knew that pushing Odette to describe things she wasn't ready to talk about wouldn't get them anywhere. "That doesn't sound great." She said gently. "If your family has been making you feel unwanted I don't think it's unreasonable to be angry and hurt at all." Putting the pieces together was difficult, but Maria chose her words carefully. "Do you feel though, like that anger and hurt has been directed in the right way? Or do you think the anger at your family has been seeping into the rest of your life?"

Maria nodded as she listened to Odette, seeing that this wasn't a simple situation of teen experimentation. Odette's problems sounded complicated, and interwoven. "That makes sense." She said gently, considering what she wanted to ask Odette next. "I think that it's hard to... find a balance between speaking our minds and saying what we have to to keep the peace. Have there been specific instances with your friends that are making you feel like this is a problem?"

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette sighed deeply. She could tell Maria wanted to try to get information from her about how she felt without actually asking what the problem was. It was puzzling, why wouldn't she want to know? Instead she kept focusing on what Odette was doing and how Odette was feeling. It was strange to think of how her own actions would seem to someone with only an outsider's perspective, that had no idea about her half-brother and half-sister and the father she had never met but who still haunted her like a shadow. "I don't know if there is a right way to direct it." She said with a small frown. "The only person in my family I talk to is my mother, and this isn't really her fault." Was it? Odette hadn't really been thinking in terms of who's fault it was. Just how it had made her feel. "It's been seeping into the rest of my life. I just want to kick things all day." She muttered, feeling embarrassed to admit that.

A small snort escaped her at Maria's question about her friends. She didn't know if she needed to share this information, but it was like the floodgates had opened and there was no way for her to stop talking and stop sharing. Maybe this woman used some subtle magic, or maybe Odette had just been more willing to talk than even she had known. "You could say that." She scowled, thinking back to the last conversation she'd had with Margo. "I lost my one real friend because... because I said awful things to her until she left. She was going to anyway, I just helped her along."

 

[Maria Madison]

Odette's anger was familiar to Maria, and she had to hold back the impulse to smile a little. She had spent most of her own Hogwarts days wanting to kick things all day, and quite often following through. It certainly wasn't the proudest period of her life, but an angry young woman was a person she could empathise with quite easily. It was still hard to know what to say though, without knowing the situation, and Maria did her best to phrase her next question quite carefully. "Well, we can talk in these sessions about ways to manage anger, and find positive redirections, but I want to come back to that at the end of the session, so it's the last thing you walk away with. Now... I want to stress that if this is something you aren't ready to talk about yet that's your decision, and you're welcome to say no, but it would really help me to know exactly what happened with your family." The family felt like a raw nerve, and Maria was unsure about asking so directly, but they were hardly going to get anywhere until she knew exactly what Odette was going through.

Hearing about Odette driving her friend away saddened Maria, and she nodded sympathetically, feeling that she had a relatively clear idea of how events had taken place. "It sounds to me like you regret that. Was the thought that she was going to leave you something that she said, or an assumption that you made?" She asked gently. "It can be easy to panic when we think people are going to abandon us, and lash out because it's easier to abandon someone else than to be abandoned. That may not turn out to be the situation at all, though. It's important to be open and honest with your friends about these things. If they're worth having around they'll understand your worries, and work with you to fix what's wrong."

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette felt a little nervous as she heard Maria tell her hey would talk about ways to manage her anger. She wasn't sure what that would look like, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to find out. It was almost a relief to hear her ask the question she had been hovering around for the entire session now. At least she actually seemed like she wanted to know so she could help her. At least, Odette hoped so. She took a deep breath. "Okay." She muttered, gathering her nerves. "I grew up with just my mom, I never knew my dad. It wasn't until last year that I found out more about him. There's another student at this school, Matthew Harper. He transferred two years ago to find me." She swallowed, it sounded so strange to say it out loud. "He's my half-brother. My dad has a family in America. I was just a mistake." Her throat felt dry, but somehow she couldn't stop talking. "His stupid sister. I mean. My stupid half-sister I guess. She came to here too. Now they're just everywhere. Reminding me that I'm not a part of the real family." She shrugged and looked away. "I don't care. But she hates me and he keeps trying to connect." She took a deep, shuddering breath. "And I didn't want him to but now he's nearly graduating..." Her voice started to shake, which was the worst. She pushed back her feelings.

The talk about Margo was hardly any easier. "She said I was behaving badly, that I was crazy and stupid and immature." She paused. "Well, she said my idea was. But it sounded like the same thing." She didn't want to disclose that she had been planning to put disgusting potions ingredients in Charlotte's juice. Somehow, she didn't want this lady to think that badly of her. She shrugged at her words. They were nice, but meaningless. Margo had said what she thought, and then Odette had made it all worse. There was no way she was going to be able to repair that now. "I suppose." She said, though she was sure she didn't sound very convincing.

 

[Maria Madison]

Maria was relieved when Odette started to open up, though the relief was quickly overwhelmed by sympathy for the girl. Her family situation was clearly painful, and not something the girl could resolve through her own actions. It was a case of the adults in her life letting her down, repeatedly, for years. That would make anyone angry. "That sounds like a lot to be dealing with." Maria said gently, trying to figure out what was the most important to address first. "You said that you aren't part of the real family, but I think the family that matters is the family we choose, not the family we're born with. It sounds to me like your brother is trying to choose you as part of his family, regardless of what your father and sister think. It's... your choice what kind of involvement you want to have with him, but it sounds to me like he wants you as a sister." Maria paused, trying to find the best way to phrase what she wanted to say about Odette's father. "I know how painful it can be not to be wanted by a parent, but what's more important is the people who choose to have you in their life because of who you are. All three of my children are adopted, and what's important is what we've built together, because we chose to make a family together. You can make those same choices, about who you want to be a part of your family."

The subject of school friends in theory should be lighter than that of family, but unfortunately things were rarely so simple. "I see." Maria said gently. "Can I ask what this idea was, or is that personal?" It felt like Odette wasn't telling her the entire story, and it was hard to gauge the friend's reaction without knowing what she had been reacting to.

 

[Odette Madison]

Talking about her family was strangely relieving, but it was also a little humiliating. She knew Maria was here to listen to her, but she was now also another person that knew Odette was unwanted by her own family. And she hadn't even brought up her mother, who had also made it clear she resented Odette being in her life on more than one occasion. She chewed her lip as she listened, then shrugged. "I guess I can talk to him, but... I don't know how to have a brother, or be a sister." She muttered. The talk about Maria's kids made her frown, and she crossed her arms in front of them. "That's good for you and your kids, but I'm not going to be magically adopted by a family that actually wants me. My friends I already chased off, so really I have no one left to be a family." She said, a slight scowl on her face.

She should have figured Maria would ask about her idea. If she said what it was, she would surely get in trouble. Her walls went up, and she shrank back slightly as she shrugged. "No." She said with a deeper scowl. "You'll just tell me the same thing. It was a prank on my stupid half-sister. To get back at her. It was stupid. I never did it anyway." She said defensively.

 

[Maria Madison]

Maria nodded, listening to Odette's concerns. "Well, I doubt he knows how to be your brother either. You're a different person from your half sister, he'll feel differently about you and want to treat you differently. You're both learning how to deal with this together. However you may feel about your father's actions, you can choose to make finding each other a positive, and see what can be built between you." Odette's anger at the example Maria had given was a little unexpected, and she backtracked quickly, shaking her head. "I mean with your brother." She said gently. "You can choose to have him as family, but not your father or half sister if they aren't the kind of people you want to associate with. Blood doesn't matter as much as the decisions we make, to love and support each other. If they won't make that decision to love and support you, you don't owe them anything. But don't let that sour things with your brother if he is trying to be a positive part of your life. Does that make sense?"

Maria wasn't surprised to see Odette reticent to share her idea, and nodded in understanding. "Well, you've just called this idea stupid yourself, so are you still angry at your friend for calling it stupid?" She asked gently, then quickly changed tactic, letting Odette sit on that thought. "When we're angry, it's normal to want to lash out and do stupid things to hurt people. But it's... an important skill to learn, knowing when it's okay to act in anger, and when it isn't. It can be difficult to differentiate good ideas from bad ones when you're angry and hurting, and we're close to the end of our time for today, so I want to start talking about tactics to manage that anger, and make those decisions wisely. The first thing that I want you to work on is noticing the physical signs of anger. Can you tell me some things that your body does when you're angry? It could be anything like feeling tense, clenching your jaw or fists, feeling your heart rate speed up. Try to think of a few physical signs you recognise from when you feel angry."

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette tried to keep herself calm. Maria didn't know her situation, and she knew the woman was trying to help her. It was just difficult to seperate her anger from everything else. It was like a mist that clung to everything else, and sometimes it was easier to give in to it. She sighed. "Maybe. I should probably talk to him before he graduates." She conceded with a small shrug. Her outburst about family had surprised even her, and she felt a little embarrassed now. She nodded quickly at Maria's words, but honestly just wanted the subject to move along. "It makes sense." she says softly. "But it's not so easy... to find people and keep them around." She said softly.

Odette was glad Maria didn't ask her again what the idea had been, listening to her quietly. "Of course I'm not angry with her for that but she is angry with me because I said a lot of worse things after." She said, wondering why Maria didn't see that. "She's not going to forgive me for that." She shrugged, feeling embarrassed when the woman asked her about the physical signs. Thinking back, she could name a few, but it seemed obvious to her. "I feel tense, my fists clench and... well, it feels like everything just zooms in on what is making me angry. Like, it's all I can focus on." She mumbled, not sure if that was the right way to describe it. "If that makes sense."

 

[Maria Madison]

Maria was relieved to hear Odette come to a conclusion about her brother. "That sounds like a good plan." She said gently. "If things don't go well with him, or any other member of your family, remember that you don't owe them anything. You should give them chances because it's what you want to do, not out of obligation. But I do think, based on what you've said, that you and your brother both want to reach out to each other, but don't know how. So take it slowly, focus on what you each want to build together. If it becomes too difficult to talk one on one, you're always welcome to make an appointment with me together, so you can talk through the difficult things with somebody neutral to mediate." Family relations could be difficult, Maria knew all too well, but it seemed clear that Odette deep down wanted to salvage this connection, and Maria wanted to do what she could to help. Listening to Odette talk about people not staying around broke her heart a little, and she nodded sympathetically. "I know." She said gently. "I think that the best way to make and keep friends is to put out the kind of energy you want to get back from your friends. If there's a way you want other people to treat you, show them that same kindness, and you'll draw good people to yourself." It wasn't a foolproof method, by any measure, but it seemed the kind of thing Odette needed to put in practice a little more.

Odette nodded, relieved to hear Odette say she wasn't actually angry with her friend. That was progress. "Well, if you aren't angry at her for what she said, and you didn't mean the things you said, do you think that perhaps an apology is in order?" It was a risky thing to say, Maria knew Odette might react badly, but hopefully the message would at least sink in. Listening to the girl describe her experience of anger was as familiar to Maria as it always was, and she pushed back memories of her own time at Hogwarts, nodding sympathetically. "That makes perfect sense." She said gently. "This is the homework I'm going to give you... next time you start to feel those physical symptoms coming on, the tension and the zooming in, I want you to notice those feelings and stop. Close your eyes, and I want you to take five slow breaths using a slow breathing technique that I'll show you, and after those five breaths are over, then you can carry on with whatever you were doing. I know it might feel silly, or be hard to remember, but this is an important tool to work on. I want you to learn how you can control your anger, instead of it being in control of you." Sitting up straighter, Maria gestured gently with her hands as she began to demonstrate. "This is the breathing technique I want you to use. You're going to take a deep breath in through your nose, counting to four in your head, and then breathe out through your mouth, counting to eight on the way out. Four in, eight out, breathing down into your belly." Maria closed her eyes and demonstrated, raising and lowering her hands as she breathed in and out in gentle rhythm. After a couple of breaths she opened her eyes, giving Odette a warm smile. "Do you think you can try that next time you start to feel anger?"

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette nodded as she listened to Maria talk about Matthew. What she said made sense, but she felt too tired and drained to really react more to it. It was strange that something as simple as talking had made her feel like this, it was almost as tiring as a good Quidditch match. Though in a different way. The idea of talking to Maria with him wasn't bad, but she knew it was unlikely that she would gather the courage for something like that before her older brother graduated and left the school. Odette hugged herself and nodded. "I'll try." She said as Maria gave her advice on making and keeping friends. She would really like to be less lonely, so she definitely would give it her best.

The idea of apologizing to Margo had occurred to her before, but she had dismissed it, saying to herself that the other girl probably wouldn't listen anyway. Now she realized maybe that had been an excuse. "Maybe." She said hesitantly. "I'll think about it." The homework was a little silly, but she nodded anyway. So far, this talk had helped. So if this lady wanted her to count her breathing maybe she would at least try it. If only so she could tell her it hadn't worked later on. "I can try it." She said, nodding. "I don't know if it will work, though." She muttered.

 

[Maria Madison]

Hearing Odette take on pieces of her advice was gratifying, and Maria gave the girl a warm smile. It was clear that Odette was the kind of person who found accepting help difficult, and hopefully, hopefully Maria's advice would make a real difference for her. Sitting up, Maria glanced at the clock, amazed at how fast time had passed. "Trying is enough." She said gently. "I'm afraid we're out of time for today, but I'd like to see you again, at the same time next week if that suits you." Ending counselling and making the next appointment always felt awkward to Maria, but they had gotten through a lot today, and Maria was eager to see how Odette applied her advice in future.