Open Lonesome

[Alice Holland]

Alice was relieved that Valentine's day was now behind her. It had been a strain, making sure the whole rose process had gone smoothly. She normally felt energized by all the love around on that day, but this year she had been exhausted and sad. Ever since Blake had humiliated her at the yule ball, Alice had felt different. She tried her best to be as cheerful as usual, but now it took her a lot of effort, and it wasn't as real. She felt lonely and desolate these days, and deep down knew that she was not that special to anyone here. Everyone she was close to had someone else they were closer to. Ava had a special bond with Vader, Elio had his own friends too, and Emily was dating a boy in Alice's house who she seemed very happy with. Alice had no one that put her first, and that was what she had loved so much about being with Blake. He made her feel special, and now she felt like he had proven to her that it had been foolish to believe she could be special to anyone. Alice had gone down to the lake on her own in a free moment, wanting to get away from the castle. What she truly wanted was to see Rose or her dad, both of them had always been able to cheer Alice up. But all she had at Hogwarts now was her sister Diana, who had never been very good at consoling anyone. She would surely go after Blake in revenge, and while that would be satisfying in a certain way, Alice really just wanted someone to care for her. She sat down in the gras, pulling her knees up so she could rest her chin on them as she looked over at the water. Alice blinked away a few tears, wondering if her older sisters and parents missed her too. They all seemed so busy with their own lives and with baby Lucy, but Alice still needed them too. She knew she could just write them, but the idea of going all the way back to the common room was exhausting. She felt a tear slip down her cheek, and wiped it away quietly.

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija knew he was in a bad place with everything that was going on, and despite his hardest efforts things were going from bad to worse. He had hoped that the Valentines Dance would have fixed his mistakes from Christmas but he’d managed only to make things even harder. Even though it had been a shock at the time, Ilija looked back to that night and wasn’t too surprised that Padme had left him, it wasn’t as though he was great friend material at this point, let alone capable of being boyfriend material. He’d managed to avoid the third year for the last few days although Ilija felt as though he was going along in some sort of cloud, following the routines because he had to even though his mind wasn’t really in them. It was the realisation that he had no one left that really hit him hardest. He'd closed himself off from all of his friends, unable to even get to study sessions anymore. He'd pushed away the one person that did listen to him, letting her down repeatedly, and to top his off both his sisters would be graduating at the end of the year. Ilija had his lessons and his reading and writing, things that he liked to do and for a long time had been content with, but with his confidence knocked out he wasn't even sure he was doing well at those either. ​

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For the most part Ilija found himself staring off into space, unable to focus on what he was doing nor keep himself busier enough to make him feel any better. It had been like that for a few days, and even when he came to sit outside, a place he liked to come for the Wild Patch, especially when Mhairi was around, he found himself just sitting, wasting the time away but overthinking everything in his head. The fifth years eyes focused when he realised someone had sat down in his line of sight, and brushing a sleeve over his eyes he realised it was Alice. Was this some kind of cruel circle that had been inflicted on him? Ilija was lucky that Padme had never discovered the real reason he'd wanted to be her boyfriend in the first place, saving her that pain, although he had ultimately cared for his friend too. He'd overheard vague rumours about what had gone on with Alice the last few months, although he felt like he'd completely detached from her too, perhaps rightly, over the last year or so. He wasn't even sure of his own feelings anymore. "Hi," he croaked, his voice dry from not having spoken to anyone all day. He gave her the briefest of waves in acknowledgement, hoping he hadn't disrupted her, too.​

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice had been glad to be alone, so when she heard someone speak to her, she was at first determined to ignore them until they went away. She knew that everyone in her year must have heard about the breakup, but it was likely that other students knew too. The last thing Alice wanted was to talk about it with someone. But the voice was familiar, and after a moment, Alice turned her head to see Ilija. She nodded at him a little in acknowledgement, but didn't smile. Normally, she would have put energy into making sure Ilija was okay, ask him how he was doing and what was going on with him. He looked sad as well, but while Alice knew she hadn't been the best friend lately, she also knew she didn't have much energy to muster right now. "Hi." Was all she said back, her gaze returning to the water. She followed the ripples on the lake quietly, curling in on herself a little more.

 

[Ilija Olaf]

When at first Alice didn’t look his way, Ilija thought she hadn’t heard him. Maybe that was for the best, since she did look a little sad herself and it wasn’t like he was in the best position to do much to help. As she did turn to look at him though his hearted fellow quickened out of nerves, trying to ignore the feeling of regret he had from saying anything at all. Alice didn’t even smile at him, and a wave of dread fell over him when he realised just how out of his depth he was. He tried to think about what he come to learn about his own fears, not that they could be rationalised but just that there was a way to break through, apparently. It wasn’t uncommon for him to jump to conclusions either, picking up the worst parts of his emotions and taking things personally, and he reminded himself it was better to check before he let the fear over take him. “Shall I go?” Ilija didn’t want to intrude especially now she knew he was there, and while he wasn’t too close to her and it was the gardens, he felt like giving her space may have been the preferable choice. He clenched his jaw a little as Alice curled up further, clearly something was bothering her, and while he couldn’t trust he could do anything at all about it, the only thing he could offer was company.​

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice had once really enjoyed Ilija's company, and she still liked him a lot. But right now it just seemed to cost a lot of energy to be nice and social, energy she didn't have. But when he asked her if he should go, Alice felt a little bad. She shook her head, playing a little with a strand of hair that had come loose from her bun. "Not unless you want to." She said quietly, still staring at the water. "Sorry Ilija, I'm just... I'm just sad." She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. "I just need some time and I'll be okay." Even now, she felt like she had to apologize for her feelings now that it was too difficult to hide them. She hated showing negative emotions, but she couldn't help it. She was upset, and it wasn't going away quickly.

 

[Ilija Olaf]

The only reason Ilija would have wanted to leave was if it was going to make Alice uncomfortable. In truth he could have done with the company, even if they didn’t even say anything, it would make a change from the constant empty space he felt around him. He shuffled a little closer so that he was sat beside her, following her gaze for a moment across the lake. “Yeah,” Ilija knew he wouldn’t be able to help much but he could agree he knew what that felt like. Alice mentioned she would be okay in time and he believed that too, eventually they would be okay but for the time being they just had to let what was going to happen, happen. “This place is so much quieter than people think it is,” he thought aloud. Everyone was usually so busy running around with whatever project or class or group was going on next that when you really took a step back from it all, it could have been quite peaceful without the bustle. The people around him had become a white noise to him now, and it was calming when they were just, gone.​

 

[Alice Holland]

It was strangely comforting to simply hear Ilija acknowledge her feelings, without prying into them or trying to tell her to feel better. Alice glanced at him as he moved to sit next to her, giving him a weak smile. She puzzled over his words for a moment, then hesitantly asked. "Do you mean the lake, or Hogwarts in general?" She wanted to understand what Ilija meant, but had the feeling it could mean both, or either. She took him in for a moment, then quietly asked. "Are you sad too?" She wasn't sure if anything had happened to Ilija, or maybe if he was just feeling down. But maybe she was just projecting her own feelings onto him.

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija had wondered if Alice had wanted someone to talk to, but given that she was all the way out here by herself instead of seeking anyone who might be a better person to talk to inside the school made the fifth year think it wasn’t a fix she was looking for. “Just.. generally,” he replied quietly, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, hands playing with the grass in front of him. He partially wanted to tell her what he meant but he didn’t want to start rambling on about it if she was actually here to enjoy the peace and quiet. At her question though his gaze dropped from the lake and he looked to the ground. He didn’t really want to actually admit it to anyone, knowing that that would raise so many questions and attention that he really didn’t have the energy for. Padme had known part of the issue but it was a little deeper than the third year was aware of, especially now that she was included in the cause of his mood. Then again this was Alice, hadn’t he always thought of her as one of the sweetest girls in their year? She had a lot of friends so maybe she’d end up telling them, honestly Ilija wasn’t sure he knew her well enough to know whether he could trust her, although as far as he could tell she’d always been open with him. Her family disagreements, her break up with Finn when they’d spoken on the train. Wasn’t part of finding people to trust part of letting them try? “Yeah.”​

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice nodded as Ilija said he had meant his words generally. Before, Alice wouldn't have agreed. But she had realized that things got a log quieter once you stopped making an effort. She had been more withdrawn, and had noticed that had made her days more quiet as well. But she simply didn't have the energy to seek everyone out, she had been avoiding more social things for a while. Alice nodded slowly as Ilija said he was sad too. She opened her mouth to ask him about it, then closed it. Hadn't she just thought how nice it was that he didn't pry into her feelings immediately? Surely, he deserved that same courtesy. "I'm sorry." She said quietly instead. "I think this is a good place to be a little sad for a while." She added, looking back at the lake. "I... can listen, if you want to talk. But we can also just sit here for a little while." She said quietly, glancing at Ilija. "I think I'd like your company, if you want that too." She said softly. She had been avoiding all her friends, but Ilija had always seemed like a quiet and thoughtful person to Alice, someone who understood a lot. She could think of worse company on such a day as today.

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija glanced over to Alice who seemed to have a similar thought to him when it came to asking too many questions. He appreciated that Alice offered to chat although she was right, maybe in this instance it would have been better not to dwell on the thoughts that were already swimming around their head. For Ilija they were a constant he could never get away from, not really. "I think the lake is perfect," he said quietly, eyes ahead looking across the water. He smiled and blushed slightly when Alice said she would have liked his company, shifting a little in his seat as though trying to shake off the fact he wasn't sure how to act in complimentary situations. He nodded instead, unable to find the right words to agree with her, even though he did. "I..I have a lake at home. I sit outside quite a lot, it's my favourite place to write actually," he said softly. He'd not spoken about his home life much when he was at school. He'd realised recently that he hadn't really opened up to many people at all about what he enjoyed doing for fun outside classes or the school. The privacy was both a blessing and a curse when it came to being alone. Ilija had opted for the distraction technique, anything to try and get his mind off the vicious circle bubbling around in his head.​

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice twirled a strand of her hair around her finger, watching the lake quietly though she also glanced at Ilija when he spoke again. She agreed that it was perfect for a moment like this, and she was glad it was relatively quiet today. At least there were no rowdy first years jumping around in the water, or anything like that. She was surprised to hear Ilija talk about his home, she hadn't really known anything about it. "Oh, you do?" She asked him as he mentioned living near a lake. "That sounds like it would be peaceful... I didn't know you wrote." She said quietly. She bit her lip for a moment. "Can I ask what sort of things you write?" She asked cautiously. "You don't have to tell me."

 

[Ilija Olaf]

Ilija didn't tell many people at all that he wrote, fearing that he'd be pressured to show them his work and they wouldn't take no for an answer, but it wasn't as though Alice had caught him writing there and then so he felt reasonably safe. His parents had a theory that each of their children had taken a different route completely. Ilija was the literature student, who'd always enjoyed writing. It was what he'd done when he was much younger, when he had to keep himself preoccupied because his parents were too busy helping out the twins, Mhairi especially. Mhairi was known as the scientific student, always trying to make something new with things she could find. Even now she was creating things without even realising it. Lina on the other hand was the maths student, a head for numbers which was clear if anyone tried to look through her notebooks at the projects she would work on. "Poetry, mainly." he said quietly, hoping to anything that Alice wasn't going to ask him to repeat some. "I used to write stories before I came to Hogwarts, but I could never work out their endings. Besides, poetry is easier to take my mind off things," he added, glancing over to the Hufflepuff to see what she would make of it all. ​

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice knew that writing stuff was very personal, and felt a little honored when he told her that he wrote poetry. Alice had never really been creative in that way. She remembered coming up with wild stories as a child, but never really having the patience to write them down. What Alice used to do was pull her sisters into playing things out with her, and they often indulged her in playing along. "That's really cool." She said sincerely. "It sounds like a good way to write down feelings, or just thoughts. I'm impressed that you can write poems." She admitted. "It would be a nice outlet, maybe. But I wouldn't know where to start." She said a little sheepishly. "I usually sort out my feelings by talking to people, but right now..." She shook her head sadly. "it's exhausting. Everyone seems to be busy with other people or things... and I don't feel like talking much." She admitted sadly. Ava had gotten busier with Elio and seemed to grow closer to Elsie too, and she had her own boy drama too that Alice didn't know a lot about. Elio was busy with his own friends, and Emily had a boyfriend. She knew she should put more effort into being social, but right now... it was difficult to muster the energy. "I hate feeling this way."

 

[Ilija Olaf]

When Alice told him she thought it was cool, Ilija's first instinct was to think that she was just humouring him, although the follow up in her words brought relief that maybe that wasn't the case. He wouldn't have said he was any good at poems though, and was glad when Alice didn't ask for a sample. "Maybe.. maybe you just need a break from it all." Ilija knew perfectly well what that was like, to feel as though all his social energy was sapped, but then again he was an introvert and hadn't taken Alice to be the same. It was hard to take a break while they were still in the school, and the fifth year sat quietly for a moment, trying to think of a way that he could help her without pushing too much. If he had any belief his poetry would have helped he may have offered to teach her, but between that and the complete inability to know where to begin when it came to leading someone he thought best he just drop it. "Do you have much planned for the holiday?" he asked eventually, hoping that if Alice got a chance to talk about something that wasn't how busy other people were, she would feel a little better. ​

 

[Alice Holland]

Alice would have liked to talk about poetry a bit more, as she was very curious what it was like for Ilija. But he didn't go on about it, so she dropped the subject. Instead, he suggested she might need a break from it all, and Alice slowly nodded. She idly ran her fingers through the grass, looking down for a moment. Then she nodded. "I think a break is good... I can't wait until the OWLs are over." She said quietly. At his next question, Alice shook her head. "We haven't really gone anywhere over break in a while, mum's usually busy... Ava said I could sleep over at her house sometime, but that's all I have planned." She said with a shrug. "I don't mind, I'm happy to spend time with Rose and Phoebe again too. I miss them." Alice said, a small smile appearing on her face. "And my sister Lucy, she turned two not that long ago." She added, her smile growing at the thought of her baby sister.