If Only, If Only

[Katsuo Arai]

Days like today, it was easier for Ryuu to move about. Cloudy skies, rain sprinkling down across the valley, it was perfect for Ryuu to come to the cliffs and just think, think about the hint that his father had given him when he turned fifteen. Something to do with his job, when he was older. He did not understand now, for he knew not what it truly meant. Ryuu wore his trenchcoat and black clothing, while the rain soaked his black hair. His grayish skin looked unnatural from the lack of sun he received all of his life. He stared ahead with his pale, pale blue eyes that could resemble melted silver that was more blue than gray. Ryuu released a sigh, and he allowed the wind to whip by him. If he were an idiot, he would be standing at the edge of the cliff.

However, even he was smarter than that. Ryuu remembered the single word, Love. What did it mean? What was it? Perhaps he could ask Merlina what his father meant? He was going to be a Guardian, but what did that word have to do with it? Ryuu did not know what it was, but he needed to know. What was worse, his bidder...why he let the fool Damian convince him of joining that Brotherhood, it wasn't Merlina. It was some Slytherin girl. Ryuu didn't know her, nor did he care to know her. Ryuu just sighed and he continued to think. He knew why he let Damian convince him, because it was the only way to get him to shut up. But he still didn't know what that word had to do with his future. Ryuu breathed in the air, as the rain started to lighten, and the sun peeked through the clouds in rays over the mountains far away.

 

[Merlina Caliburn]

Merlina Caliburn felt utterly devastated with the world. Try as she might she could not find a happy feeling or a kind word to say to anyone, not since the Halloween Feast when she had been about to leave the hall to go in search of Ryuu only to see him reveal himself as one of the Brotherhood at the auction. Her heart had quite literally broken and not into two but into millions of tiny pieces so that it would be all the harder to repair if ever it did. Ryuu never attended events, always made it his business not to go to the yule dances and now suddenly he was selling himself off to the highest bidder. If she had known she knew she would have bid to prevent anyone else from being near him but that was wrong of her.
She had coveted their friendship since first year, frowning at anyone else who might ask about him or attempt to approach him. Merlina had become possessive and territorial of him and hated herself for it.

What she hated more was Carmen Peregrin, perfect blonde bombshell Carmen who already had a boy of her own. A handsome, smart guy who most girls drooled over. Why had she not been happy with him? Merlina trudged through the long grass at the back of the cliff tops, allowing the rain to pelt down on top of her but could careless. The weather suited her mood like a glove. She slipped on some wet grass and looked down at the sodden jacket she wore, filthy now in mud. Taking it off she simply tossed it aside and continued walking, discovering that her feet were being punished by her choice of footwear. These too she removed, simply slipping her feet out and leaving the shoes wherever they fell.

Climbing on barefeet over rocks she came out at the edge of the cliffs. She was not in such a mood that walking to its rim would help her any, but she did lower herself down carefully so that she could walk along the path way instead. Her short cropped hair was now matted to her face, the small hat she had worn soaked completely through, she pulled it off and squeezed it out but it wasn't any good. The rain was simply too strong. Her dress was now like a second skin on her as she continued onwards. She felt as if she had walked for forever and by the time she came upon Ryuu even the rain had begun to wane and the sun seemed to peek out at them. She wondered as the first ray lit up the area about them if it was an omen. He looked so beautiful standing there, no wonder he had no interest in the drowned rat that she was.
"Hello Ryuu".

 

[Katsuo Arai]

Ryuu glanced back and he saw Merlina. Just the girl on his mind. His wet hair stuck to his ghostly white skin, and he wondered if every time he thought of her, if she would appear. It was questionable. She was not going to the Yule Ball, and he did not plan to until now. He did not know that blonde haired girl, but she was not pleased with the outcome. He barely paid attention to couples. He did not understand why they were together, but he had never really seen a couple in love before. His mother was dead before he could remember. How could he have seen two people holding hands and such? It all confused him. Ryuu did not question it though, feeling that he would just get lost anyway.

His pale eyes landed on her feet, and saw just how wet she was. Ryuu did not look her up and down like most males would when her dress was that of a second skin. Instead, he murmured, “You might get sick being wet like that, Merlina.” He turned his body to face her, his fingers grazing his face to move the black hair from the grayish skin. Perhaps he should just ask her now, but first he would have to see if she were even interested in assisting him in something that confused him.

With a soft sigh he hesitated, water dripping down his face, looking like a ghost that just finished crying, yet Ryuu did not know if he even had tear ducts. He had never cried, nor had any moisture escaped from his eyes. He did not move, but a light, warm breeze warmed the cold skin that was formed from the rain that just finished pouring down. However, now, the rain just seemed to be slacked off to a light drizzle. It was soft, and almost relaxing, especially with the sun trying to come out. Attempting to find his English, Ryuu said slowly, “Would you…help me with something my father had given me for my fifteenth birthday?” It was a light question, and he wondered if she had any idea.

 

[Merlina Caliburn]

She shivered slightly but shrugged it off, her feet didn't move another inch though usually she would have gravitated right beside him; Merlina felt somehow betrayed now. It was completely unfair of her to feel this way she deduced but still she could not understand what had possessed him to stand in to the auction knowing that he would have to attend the Yule Ball at the end of it.
"I'll dry off soon enough" she told him, her Italian accent sounding strange as another shiver ran through her slight frame. There felt as if a chasm stood between them, she felt it keenly and it tore at her again and again. Merlina had always thought she could love him and be content to just be his friend but it got harder and harder with time. She knew she had to give him up for her own sake now. It was becoming difficult to feel so strongly for him and for him to feel nothing at all for her. When he spoke again she blinked a moment, a slender hand lifting slowly to sweep her wet fringe back from her face.

Could she help him? It might mean hours alone with him, she mused but would that not be detrimental to her very heart and soul? She was losing herself tangled within the web of unrequited love and yet knew as she looked upon the object of her affection that she would help him. She could not part from him, she was selfish in that regard. Let Carmen attend the Yule Ball with him, Merlina had his friendship. Something more substantial than a single night no matter how much it would hurt Merlina to see the two together. Nodding her head slowly, she glanced a moment at her hands.
"I will help you Ryuu" she attached a smile at the very end hoping he would not notice the pain it caused her to do so but emotion of any kind was still very foreign to him, so she didn't really believe he would notice her becoming a ghost of a person because her soul was crying out for his.

 

[Katsuo Arai]

Ryuu glanced up at the sky, and the light rain turned into a few drops, a light sprinkle. His light, mysterious eyes landed back on Merlina. He would have to speak a lot of English, and that alone would bother him. So, he began to speak lightly, his voice as soft as the light rain, "On my fifteenth," he paused, thinking of the right word, "birthday, I was given a hint." How could he explain something so confusing to him to someone that didn't know what this training was? It was just confusing overall. He could only hope that she understood. And if she did, perhaps she could explain what the word even meant.

Struggling with English once more, Ryuu continued, "I was given a word. A word that would help me discover who or what I would be guarding." Little did he know, after this year, he would be training in the arts of human medicine, to keep someone from dying from the littlest of accidents. "Father sent the word...love. I do not know what it could mean or what I have to protect if I don't even know what it means." Ryuu looked troubled, confused. If only someone had taught him what love was only then could he have made the connection.

 

[Merlina Caliburn]

She listened patiently to Ryuu knowing that she would do so if they stood in the midst of a tempest, his whole way of life may have been completely different to hers but she loved him and respected him for his strength and his honour. For his determination and all the hundreds of little things she believed went into making him the person he was. A hint? He had told her before about how his training was geared towards one purpose and that was to be the guardian of someone. She envied his perseverance, his determination to see it through, as much as she loved her own family she did not think she could put herself through what Ryuu did because it was expected.

Merlina waited to hear the word and when he finally uttered it, she gazed up at him. Was she the right person to teach him about love of all things? She instinctively placed a hand over her own heart feeling the fragile organ beating beneath and marveled that it was able to continue beating when it broke every time she looked at her best friend. Wrapping her arms about her waist again, as if the action could somehow hold body and soul together Merlina walked towards him. Not close enough whereby they would actually touch but close enough to reassure him that she would help. She would never let him down but how could she explain to him what love was without him finally seeing by the end of it all, that she felt it for him?

"I'll help you" her hand reached up again to wipe some more rain drops from her face, as she turned to look out over the precipice they stood upon.
"Love is the most complex emotion there is, it'll take a lot longer than five minutes or five years to properly understand it. I grew up surrounded by it and it still baffles me but I will help you as best I can Ryuu" she turned her head to smile at him, a soft gentle sweet smile that seemed to help the sun to break through a little more.

 

[Katsuo Arai]

"On my sixteenth birthday, I will know exactly everything, but I am wishing to know now," Ryuu shrugged a bit, not wanting to really wish to wait until September. He was for the first time being impatient. It was something he had never felt before. He didn't really know what else to think, what else to do. This hint was always on his mind. His eyes were on Merlina, and somehow, he thought that love and Merlina were connected somehow. He did not know how but it was connected. Ryuu needed some thought, to figure out and analyze what this love was.

Once Merlina answered, he thought heavily. Ryuu was more confused than ever. Emotion, for training? He was taught everything but! Ryuu sighed and he muttered, "I don't know what father means then. Protecting an emotion makes no sense. How can something so complicated ever be understood when I can barely get this friendship thing handled!" Ryuu bent down and picked up a rock, before slinging it over the cliffs. Ryuu let out a sigh and he muttered, "I apologize. I just don't know how to act when I am this...uncertain."

 

[Merlina Caliburn]

Merlina was actually stunned by the level of emotion that Ryuu spoke with. Usually he was so straight laced, not a flicker of any emotion at all and yet she recognised impatience there on his face. A small smile graced her features, she was always delighted to see even the smallest glimmer of life with Ryuu. Knowing or perhaps hoping that he was capable of so much life.

As he spoke again Merlina could only continue to smile at him.
"Protecting an emotion makes every bit of sense but it's not necessarily the emotion that you will be protecting. It's the person you are to be guardian too or perhaps it is the very act of being a guardian that you must embrace and love. It isn't an easy emotion Ryuu there are so many facets to it. For example", Merlina shivered a little but ignored it as she lifted her hands and began to count off on her fingers, "there is the love for family like parents and siblings, there is the love of country, the love of animals such as a pet perhaps, the love of friends, the love of ... a.. a girlfriend" she instantly blushed but hastily continued, "the love of a cause and on top of all of those there are things like the love of things and places. There are deeper loves such as children have an unconditional love for their parents when they are very young, they trust implicitly and then there's being ... in-love. All are very strong and have different connotations."

She sighed thinking that this could actually take her well past his 16th birthday to try to get him to understand any of it, to get her to understand it as well. Instinctively she reached out and gently touched his arm before dropping her hand away again as if scorched.
"Don't apologize Ryuu, love means ... " she chuckled to herself, Merlina had recently been allowed to view some muggle movies and one of which had been a very bitter sweet romance story called literally 'Love Story' it had been excruciatingly sad but throughout it all, the heroine had constantly maintained that 'Love meant never having to say you were sorry.'
"means... never having to say you are sorry"she finished looking down for the first time at her sodden dress.

 

[Katsuo Arai]

What Merlina was saying, it made sense. What this love was, it made him think of his brother and sister before they perished. It was a sibling thing, how he was deeply affected when he discovered that they were no longer of the living. So, he was not just protective over them, he loved them. Does that mean that everyone he wanted to protect with his life meant that he loved them? Ryuu inquired, "Would protection and wanting to protect them with your life?" Ryuu needed to know how they were connected. It could be possible that he had loved, still loved, and would love. Perhaps Ryuu had known love before but did not know it. Could that be possible too? If that were the case, and if he were right, then technically, he loved Merlina. Yet, in what way, he did not know because he never had love of friends and love of a girlfriend. He would not be able to tell the difference. The more he thought about it though, he did speak to that younger Gryffindor on occasion, that second year. He did not want to risk his life for him if it came down to it, but he was enjoyable to talk to. Was that love for friends? All this was making Ryuu more and more confused. His face resumed the emotionless stare, as his mind went to work.

 

[Merlina Caliburn]

Looking at him as he asked her his question, Merlina did not hesitate to answer.
"For some yes I guess it would be. If you think about the muggle soldiers going off to war they do it to protect their country and their families, they love their country, their friends and families and so the need to protect them is extremely strong. During the wizarding wars many went to fight on both sides because they both believed strongly in what they fought for but the right side I believe won because Voldemorts army fought more out of fear of him, whereas those that fought along side Harry Potter; well they loved. They cared about one another and everything that goodness stands for" she wasn't explaining any of this very well and wished she had spent less time engrossed in text books and a little more time being aware of people and emotions.

"I'm sure whoever you have to be guardian of will be worthy of you Ryuu" she wished a tinge of envy did not filter through her words but she could not help it. Again she shivered a little and glanced down at her bare feet before looking back the way she had come.
"I don't know why I took my shoes off" she muttered, unable to recall the reason now. Had they been so very dirty and wet?

 

[Katsuo Arai]

This Ryuu thought for a long time. Protection tied along with love so easily, and it made him wonder. Was this love everywhere he had been, and was this why his father taught him to protect with every inch of his life? Ryuu’s head started to spin, and his eyes closed. A whitish gray hand came up over his face as he knelt down to think. He muttered solemnly, “I think I understand what it is… What this love is…” His English was more horrible than ever now, as he started to recall the ghosts of his past, something he had never done because of just how painful it was. That was something Ryuu had not experienced either, pain. Pain tied with love as well, as he remembered visiting the funeral home when they buried his mother after she died giving birth to the twins, Kei and Rei. Ryuu was just three at the time, and he had never relived the memory as he did now.

The twins, they vanished…why had they vanished? Could they handle the training? When they vanished, it was in the dead of winter a few years ago, and if they ran away, there was no way they were alive. Ryuu grimaced as he felt the pain of loss because it was his duty to protect them. Why didn’t he? There was nothing he could do; it was out of his power. Though this realization caused him to truly feel, to truly breathe, though it would have been better if it came from happier circumstances. Ryuu slowly stood up, and took on a coldness that seemed even harsher than before, as if nothing to ever reach past that exterior. But what he did was not harm any living creature. Instead, he took a step toward Merlina, and his hand grazed the warmth of her cheek. His eyes stared into her own, and he murmured, “I’ve lost my siblings because I failed to protect them, and I refuse to let anything happen to you.”

His hand dropped, and he wondered if he had a choice in picking who he would be the guardian of. With the way he was feeling right now, he wanted no one else other than Merlina. He could not live with himself if something happened to her and he could not stop it. What if something had? He would be utterly devastated with himself. He would retreat to the ends of the Earth, and just be the ghostly man who was pathetic enough to lose the one person that assisted him and accepted him for what he was. He glanced down at her feet and he muttered, “I think we should head back inside, before you catch a cold.”

 

[Merlina Caliburn]

Merlina had only known the love of her family but had known it all her life, she had been protected by it, warmed by it and nurtured by it. She would not swap one moment of her upbringing for anything, it did not matter that to her some of her family seemed plum crazy at the best of times. They were hers and nothing else mattered, she was loyal to them and loved them. They would guard her with their very lives and she knew it, hadn't the given her such a strong name so that she would know what type of person she was and would always be! They had chosen a derivative of Merlin, the most famous of wizards, he had been imaginative, intelligent and powerful all that they hoped for her but they also hoped that one day she too would find love as all of they had before her!

How were they to know that her very first year at Hogwarts had introduced her to the love of her life, how was he to know that unless she told him? Ryuu spoke once again this time telling her that he thought he understood what love was. Her chest felt tight, as her heart beat so much louder within it. To her love was Ryuu, she would go to the ends of the earth for him and with him; she would listen to all he ever had to say and all that he could never say; she would be the shoulder he needed and the arm he might need to lean on. Even a warrior needed someone, whether it was to heal wounds, feed and clothe, ease the worry - whatever it was she planned on filling all of those needs, so that Ryuu would never have to be without her. She wanted to make herself indispensable to him, so that when he was given the person he had to be guardian too, he would not so easily forget her. He stood and came to stand before her, his hand reached up and ever so lightly grazed her cheek. She lost herself within the pools of those beautiful eyes and lost her soul to him when he promised he would never let anything happen to her.

Merlina felt herself on the verge of telling him that she loved him when his hand fell away once again. Her body felt as if it were wound tightly on a coil ready to spring at any moment. She followed his gaze to her feet and smiled, nodding her head slightly in agreement. Reaching out however she took his hand in her own as she turned slowly in the direction they would need to walk to return to the school.
"You'll never lose me" she wanted to reassure him, "do you ... want to talk about them? Your ... siblings? I've never heard you mention them before."
The touch to her face and new revelations, Merlina wondered if Ryuu was opening up at last but feared greatly that the slightest word or touch could set him backwards again, away from her.

 

[Katsuo Arai]

What was going through Ryuu's mind was something that had never been thought of in his life. Emotions, freedom, what this love is and how to pursue it. He wanted to seek it out, claim it and make it his. But would Raiden Arai, his father, allow him? Would he be allowed to do anything other than just...train? Well, he was finished with the physical training, as his body was still in top shape from everything. The medical was what was next. However, this was something that Ryuu was not used to. He was trained to kill, to defend himself and whoever he was to protect. And now, he was going to learn to repair the body that he was bound to destroy. It was just all confusing to him. But it was what Akira loved the most, and she practiced it all the time. Akira Arai, was the mother of Ryuu, and she was smiling from the stars above.

He felt Merlina's hand take his own into hers, and Ryuu normally would have flinched at the touch, jerk away and be the untouchable shadow that he was to others. However, he simply looked down with his blue eyes. After all the years that he had been here, they have changed somewhat, they have become more blue than a ghostly white-gray-blue from before. He murmured, "I have not seen them since I left for Hogwarts. Kei and Rei were pronounced missing, presumed dead a while back. No one has heard of them." That was pretty much it on the matter. Water droplets dripped from his black, silky hair as he turned his eyes forward so he could lead her to a much warmer area. He was very concerned for her well being. After all, he vowed that he would not let anything harm her.

And he would die to let something harm her.

 

[Merlina Caliburn]

Merlina waited for the inevitable, for his polite way of letting his hand slip from her own but it never came and even she too looked down at the digits intertwined with one another and when she looked up again it was to see the eyes she loved so much. And yet there was something different about them, as if awakened, as if lighter somehow. Merlina thought it was a simple trick of the light but there was very little light out that day. Her heart ached for him and what surely must be insurmountable pain at his loss and even more so at the not knowing about what really happened to his siblings.

"Oh Ryuu" she gasped, her fingers gently squeezing his own, "that is awful."
What was worse was that he had kept this hidden inside of him for so long, not knowing how to feel about it. Merlina's free hand reached up and tenderly laid the palm of her hand against his cheek. Her eyes searched his, willing him to know how much he meant to her. Willing him to understand that he could tell her anything, she would never judge him but would always be there for him.

"Your father must be devastated" as her hand moved away from his cheek, cool from the touch of his skin, tingling as if jolted with a hundred volts Merlina knew she could care less about the man who had hurt her Ryuu with training and brutal treatment. He was still a child for crying out loud.
"You must be devastated!"

 

[Katsuo Arai]

The walk itself seemed much longer than before. Ryuu felt her fingers squeeze his own and he glanced around to see that they were inside now. Very, very few other students were here, and for that Ryuu was comfortable, as comfortable as someone like him could be. Ryuu glanced down at the floor when Merlina mentioned just how awful it was. They should be about ten now. He remembered that was when he first came back to Japan, he asked about the twins because he did not see them, and he had never seen his father break down, and see...water leaking from the eyes since his mother died in childbirth to the twins. Ryuu did not know much about his father, and what all he knew. Ryuu thought that he was just like himself. But if he wasn't, then why was that little voice inside of his head pounding on him? Sofu. Grandfather.

Ryuu was snapped from his thoughts of connecting two and two together when she said that his father must be devastated. "I think...he was. His eyes did something I haven't seen before. I think the word...is cried?" Ryuu shrugged lightly, and he glanced down at his boots. Slowly, his eyes met hers, and he shook his head, "I don't want to speak of it." Ryuu slowly released his hand from hers, and he gently touched her shoulder. Either he did not want to talk about it because it still brought him something that he did not like to feel, or he had grieved enough and did not want to see it anymore. It was the past, and eventually, he hoped that they would turn up.

 

[Merlina Caliburn]

They finally made their way back inside and she knew they would receive strange looks for allowing themselves to become so wet and most especially as she was shoe-less into the bargain. Hand in hand they had walked back and she knew in her heart that it felt right, it felt perfect to have her hand in his, to be walking at his side like his equal. She listened as he spoke about his father and wondered if the man's treatment of Ryuu stemmed from the loss of his other children. Merlina didn't think so, any father would become protective of his remaining children surely; not wanting them to be harmed in any way and yet the man put Ryuu through so much rigorous training it was bordering on abusive.

His hand left hers and she looked down at the limb that now hung empty without him. As she glanced upwards again, Ryuu looked at her at the same time. His hand rested gently on her shoulder and she was sure something past between them in that moment. She did not reach out to touch him back though she wanted too badly, instead she smiled at him. Thinking perhaps he had been put through enough already today.
"Then we won't" she told him as the bell for the next meal rang out about the school and the pounding of many feet ran up and down the school as students left their classrooms and houses.
She continued to look at him however, knowing she had to leave him now even if it was only for a short time.

"I better go and dry off before dinner" she told him quietly, "I'll see you later." She said it as a statement and not a question, she had every intention of seeing him again and again. She had after all to teach him about love and who else better for that assignment than the girl who loved him more than anyone else ever could.

 

[Katsuo Arai]

Ryuu was relieved when she said that they would not talk about it. Saying that information enough was like lifting an anchor off of his chest. It was enough to do him for a while. Ryuu heard her departure, and he nodded slowly. Though something caught from by surprise. She did not ask to see him later. She was going to, whether he liked it or not. Though he would never not like it. Ryuu could hear the students pound away toward the great hall. He watched Merlina however depart from him, before he would go eat. Until she was out of his pale blue eye's sight, he would not leave. As soon as she left, he glanced about, before he went to the great hall with the rest, unsure of what else to do other than to sit down and get something inside him or else he could forget. A warrior needed his food. Though his mind never left one subject: love. What was it? Ryuu was determined to find out.

---

Fin​