Got You In My Head

[Harley Tsuji]

Returning to the abandoned classroom felt almost blasphemous somehow. The Girl Gang sleepover where she had teased Hayley about kissing someone seemed like part of another lifetime. She had deliberately avoided the classroom where she and Odette had had their encounter, asking Hayley to meet her in the room the gang used instead. The message had been hasty and scrambled and made no sense, but if Harley didn't talk to someone she would explode, and Hayley seemed the friend most likely to understand what she was going through.

Not that Harley understood it herself. The kiss with Odette had just... happened, and now everything was different. Harley had never thought about kissing Odette before, but a part of herself that was difficult to acknowledge actually... wanted to do it again. But then she remembered everything Odette had done and said to her, and her friends, and it was impossible to even consider. Harley got half a second of relief when Hayley opened the door, before realising that this meant she was going to have to put all this into words. "Hey." She said shakily, pulling her knees up onto the desk she was sitting on to hug them close. "I, uh..." Harley started at her knees, realising she had no idea how to explain any of this to Hayley. "I think I... I think I did something kinda bad."

 

[Hayley Elridge]

After her talk with Ainsley, Hayley's head was spinning with a heady mix of emotions. She couldn't stop thinking about it. Now that she had finally articulated her feelings - now that she knew who she was, and who she loved - she was bursting to speak with Harley about it. But Ainsley had also instilled in her a terrible, creeping anxiety: what if Harley didn't feel the same way? What if she wouldn't accept her? Worse: what if she rejected her entirely for this? Hayley knew that realistically this was unlikely, but it didn't stop the thought from digging its needles into her brain.

And then she'd received Harley's garbled note, and while it had been cryptic it had seemed something akin to the inner turmoil Hayley was experiencing, and she had dared, for a moment, to hope. That Harley might feel the same way seemed a distant and beautiful dream, and yet that hope was there, exhilarating and heady. Until she opened the door. Then all her hopes and fears went out of her in a rush, and Hayley shoved the door closed behind her and ran to her best friend. Harley looked bad. Shaky and upset and fragile, and now all that filled Hayley's mind was worry for her. There wasn't room on the desk for them to sit together - what did that say? - but Hayley wrapped her arms around Harley, knees and all, and held her close. "Hey. Hey, it's all right, it's going to be okay. What's the matter, Har? What happened?"

 

[Harley Tsuji]

Feeling Hayley's arms around her broke an emotional dam in Harley's heart and a rough sob escaped her before she had even really realised it was coming, putting her arms around Hayley for a moment. She knew what she had to say though, and pulled away, taking a couple of shaky breaths. "I... you're gonna hate me." She croaked, wiping her eyes. "Just, like... I dunno, I don't like, know how this happened, it just did." There was nothing for it but to say what had happened. There was no easy phrasing, no way around this, and maybe Hayley would be able to set her dislike of Odette aside enough to listen. "I kinda... kissed Odette. Or... well, she kissed me. But, like. It... that happened, and I'm... I dunno. I know it, like, it's messed up. Like, she's Odette, but like, I dunno, we had this conversation and it was actually pretty cool, and it was like... I dunno!" Harley gave up, realising she was rambling, and put her hands over her face, taking a shaky breath. "I'm sorry. You probably like, hate me now. I just dunno what to do."

 

[Hayley Elridge]

The bottom dropped out of Hayley's world. It had occurred to her that Harley might not want to date her, might want to date someone else, might even want to date boys. But this? This was not a possibility that had ever entered her head, and it was worse than anything she could have imagined. This was not a possibility. Harley hated Odette, that had been true for the entire time Hayley had known her. How could she . . . Hayley stared blankly at Harley, searching for understanding and finding nothing. "Harley . . . what the f***?" There was an ache in her chest that was taking up her entire awareness. But she looked at Harley, saw the tears in her eyes and the vulnerability in her face, and knew that for now she had to put aside her pain to deal with Harley's. Though she wasn't sure if she could. "I . . . no, of course I don't hate you. I just. What. Harley, you hate Odette. That's. Still a thing, right? What happened?"

 

[Harley Tsuji]

Harley could see Hayley's disappointment and disbelief and turned away, ashamed, hugging her knees closer. "I know!" She said quickly, feeling the need to defend herself. "I know, look, it's Odette, she's the worst, blah blah, all of that, I didn't forget! But like... I dunno, she's changed lately!" She sighed, still not able to bring herself to look at Hayley. "You've seen her, right? It's a whole thing. We had some really good conversations, she even painted with me for a while. She's changing. And, like, I've known her since we were kids, she's... she's always been a jerk, but... I think there's a good person in there. And she's trying to be different, it's... I dunno, I kinda want to... help her, I want her to be happy so she can stop hassling people. This isn't really about that though, she just, like, we were arguing and then she kissed me and, like, I dunno! It just kinda felt like, right, so I just went with it. But now I'm freaking out because like. We had those good conversations but she's still Odette, and I dunno what to do, and I knew you guys would freak out but I had to tell someone! I'm just... I'm freaking out, and I don't know what to do now..." Harley trailed off, having fallen into another ramble. It was so difficult to know how to talk about this in a straightforward way when none of her thoughts or feelings were straightforward.

 

[Hayley Elridge]

"Harley . . ." Hayley wanted desperately to hold her friend, to comfort her and tell her it was all right . . . but it wasn't. For her it felt as though nothing would ever be all right again, and something hard and cold and bitter in her held her back from providing the comfort Harley so clearly needed. She listened, frowning, as Harley rambled about Odette having changed. Hayley couldn't believe that. She and Odette had fought in the dorm - literally, physically fought - and maybe the tenor of her hostility had changed (the old Odette would never have punched her, it was true), butshe was still the same awful person she'd always been. How had she managed to fool Harley of all people, her worst enemy, into thinking different? Then Harley said that kissing Odette had felt right, and Hayley's heart shattered. How could it feel right, when there was nothing more wrong in the history of the universe? Right was how Hayley had dared to imagine it might feel when she kissed Harley, and now . . . that desire had never felt so impossible, so pitifully laughable. Hayley felt tears prick the corners of her eyes, and took a deep shuddering breath, determined not to cry, not now, not here. Not with this . . . this traitor.

 

[Harley Tsuji]

Harley could hear from Hayley's tone that her friend was disappointed in her, and it was exactly what she had been afraid of. She had hoped that of all her friends Hayley was someone she could trust enough to tell this without judging her too harshly, but she could see in the other girl's expression that her feelings about Odette were clouding things. "I know!" Harley repeated, reaching for Hayley with one hand, desperately wanting the other girl to comfort her, say something, anything. "I know it's f***ed up after everything she's said and done! I know, I get it! But she's, like, I dunno, I really feel like she's trying to be different, this is... it's like the whole time I've known her I've been able to see this person in her, and she's finally actually being that person she was pretending not to be, it's... I just... I don't know! I... kind of like her, I guess! I want her to just be herself and not have to feel like she has to be shitty all the time to defend herself! And it, like... it was nice, mostly, but I know what this sounds like, I know, it's still Odette! I, like... I don't know! I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I just need, like, I don't know..." She pressed her face into her knees, grabbing Hayley's hand loosely with hers. "Do you hate me now?"

 

[Hayley Elridge]

Hayley listened numbly as Harley blathered on about Odette's true self or whatever - what bulls**t! Maybe there was a genuine person somewhere in Odette, but she was buried so deeply under layers of deceit and defenceiveness that hayley didn't believe she'd ever show through. No, she didn't believe this for a moment. This was wrong, it couldn't be real. But when Harley grabbed at her so desperately, she couldn't have ignored it if she wanted to. Hayley gripped Harley's hand and squeezed it tight. "Harley! No! I don't hate you, stop saying that! I could never hate you, no matter what mistakes you make. You're my best friend, and that's not gonna change, okay?" No matter how much Hayley might wish it would. No matter how she wanted to be something other, no matter how much she hated this, she had to be here for Harley now when she was lost and upset, just like Harley had always been there for her. Hayley truly wanted to say something comforting, even now when her own voice was thick with tears, but what came out instead was harsh and angry. "Don't you see she's manipulating you?" she yelled. "Just like she always does! But somehow this time you fell for it! This is . . . this is just another face, she's never gonna show anyone who she really is - if there even is anything real in there. I don't know what she wants out of this, but it can't be good." Hayley put her other hand on top of Harley's, and hoped that the contact did something to reassure her friend. "I just . . ." Her voice cracked. "I just don't want you to get hurt."

 

[Harley Tsuji]

Harley was relieved to hear Hayley say she didn't hate her, though it felt like there was something uncertain about the way she said it. Harley had known this would be difficult for Hayley to hear, but the distress from the other girl was only making Harley feel more and more like she had to defend what she was doing, defend Odette to the other girl. "She's not manipulating me!" Harley insisted, wiping her eyes and sitting up more. "We've just been hanging out, this isn't one of her tricks, I know what her tricks look like! I'm not stupid, I haven't suddenly forgotten everything she's done in the past, she's just different now! That's all there is to it, it's not a trick, she's changed!" Harley wiped her eyes again, taking Hayley's hand. "I just... I like this side of her, I want her to... be happier, not to feel like she has to fight people all the time to be important. She can be better than that."

 

[Hayley Elridge]

As Harley sat up, Hayley inched closer and wrapped her arms around her best friend again. This was partly to provide comfort, both to Harley and herself, and partly so Harley didn't see the tears prickling in her eyes. She stayed like that for a long time, as Harley spoke and then paused, thinking about what she said, pushing her own feelings aside aggresively so that she could try to sort through this for her friend. "I . . . Harley, I trust you, and I care about you, and if you say she's not tricking I . . . I guess I'll believe you." Hayley wasn't sure she could truly believe there was no trick here, but for Harley to be so certain - Harley who did, after all, know Odette's manipulative ways better than anyone - then there must be something more to it than that. And now Harley was talking about liking Odette and wanting her to be happy and there was only one question burning in Hayley's head, a question that would destroy her but she could not leave it unasked. "Do you . . . want to see her. More like this? Do. Do you want to. Keep kissing Odette?"

 

[Harley Tsuji]

It was a relief, to feel Hayley's arms around her. It went a long way to assuage Harley's fears that this would be the end of one of her most important friendships. She hugged the other girl back, relieved to hear that Hayley was going to trust her. Despite Harley's history with her, it often felt like Hayley hated Odette the most out of their group, and Harley knew this had to be difficult for her. Wiping her eyes, Harley sat up straighter, relieved that Hayley seemed to be accepting this. "Thanks." Harley said, voice still wavering a little, wiping her face again now that the conversation felt less emotionally charged. "It's... I know how weird it sounds, but I think it's... a good thing." Sighing shakily, Harley stretched her limbs out a little, relieved that the hardest part of the conversation was over. Or so she thought, until Harley asked a question she hadn't answered yet, even to herself. Swallowing, Harley pondered it for a moment before nodding. "I... I kinda think so." She said uncertainly, glancing at Hayley again. "Like, I dunno, we didn't... talk about it as like... an official thing." She said slowly, feeling it out in her mind. "But I... wanna keep hanging out with her, and... I dunno, kissing is cool. So if... that's what she wants, yeah..."