Elio had felt so many things in the last few days, that he didn't know really know what his thoughts on everything were. He'd spent most of his time with his headphones on, trying not to think too much at once, but just trying to focus on what he was doing at the time. He was on his way to his common room when he spotted a Hufflepuff sat by herself against the wall in the corridor reading. Elio really hadn't given her the attention she'd ever deserved, at least not since she'd joined the school. It had been different when they were younger but now it was like they'd grown apart. Seeing Rowan with Elsie often reminded him that he really wasn't ever by himself here, although perhaps people wouldn't always have known it to look at them. He took a detour, dropping down beside her and crossing his legs, offering her one of his ear buds. Had he been avoiding her? Potentially. She'd caused him a lot of trouble in the past especially when it came to his own friends, but really she was the only in the building that knew why he was the way he was from such a young age. He rested his head in his hands and lent his elbows on his knees, lowering his gaze to run his eyes over the book she was pouring through. It was never too late to reconnect, right?
Isla was the Yin to Elio's Yang. Where he was outgoing, she was introverted. Where he was bold and impulsive, she was subtle and secretive. He was the one that was obsessed with doing as much as he could because it was fun, but Isla wanted nothing more than to pour all her energy into one sole topic, which she had been doing quite successfully for the last few years, even if she, unlike her older brother, went more or less unnoticed around the school. There were the odd people that spotted her but only because she wasn't especially great about not being caught. Perhaps that was part of the fun. Every now and then someone would lay eyes on her and she could play with them. She glanced up from her book when a shadow fell over the images, and saw Elio. She hadn't spoken to him properly for the most of the year; heck knew what was ever going on with him, there was always something new. He slid into the empty space beside her, and she was surprised to see him hand over one of his headphones. At first she was a little reluctant to take it. Elly didn't talk to her, why was he know? What did he want? She took the headphone, placing it in her ear to hear what he was listening to, although after the first few cords her eyes flashed up to meet his for a brief moment. She knew what it meant and why they'd heard it over and over so many times in memories she didn't even realise she'd stored. As Elly glanced over her book, she shuffled a little closer to the prefect, glad that he didn't seem to be here this time to be telling her off for something as he had before. "Do you think it's all made up for us?" she asked, admiring the diagram that was spread out across both pages that rested across her lap.
The fact Isla didn't rejected Elio straight out of the blue was a bigger thing than most siblings. There wasn't much between them anymore that kept them grounded, they were two fundamentally different types of people that they were opposites rather than strains of the same branch. He caught her glance and gave her half a knowing smile, before she turned away, and he peered over her shoulder. He was happy not to be talking in that moment to someone who was in the middle of whatever various messes he'd gotten himself tied up in. Really he was just tired of trying to work out what was going on in his head all the time, that having someone here who wouldn't ask questions about him too personally was exactly what he needed. She was reading a divination book which was no surprise. For some reason the topic had stuck with her even from when she'd first heard about it in her second year, although Elio wasn't entirely sure why. Perhaps she would have done well to speak to Rowan about it, had it not been for the fact it would feel as though his two lives were intertwined. He knew he shouldn't have felt this way, but the prefect was more exposed right now than he'd ever been before, and he had to take a step back from it all if he was going to figure out the best way forward. The Gryffindor considered her question, thinking back to his own classes and experiences, "Not really," his eyes darted across the page, recognising the symbols that he'd grown familiar with himself. "I don't think anything is set in stone, even, all of this," he motioned to the book on her lap, "It can only be so much as a guide, just like anything else." Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, there were only there to use as a basis for thought, not for an answer. It was why he'd never relied on it to ask about his own relationships despite how strongly others felt about its abilities. "Why? Do you want it to be?" he asked, happy to keep the conversation on his sister rather than himself.
Isla tried to take Ellys words with a pinch of salt, after all he didn’t study the topic day and night and know how much detail it really did show. He was much too preoccupied to be able to focus on just one thing, instead he had to be darting around from one to another as though the boys bones were fuelled with caffeine. He’d always been like that, even when they were kids. He always had to be half way up a tree and she was always left to be the one to play messenger and fetch help. Elio knew he hated heights and yet he still put himself in positions he knew he was just going to get hurt in. Maybe one day he’d realise that the answers had been sat in front of him this entire time. “I’m not looking for a guide,” she replied honestly, eyes scanning the paper although the words weren’t really going in any more as her mind began to drift further. “If things were set in stone, there would be nothing left to explore,” she looked up to her brother, who despite not knowing all that well the last few years, didn’t look as cheerful as he did when she caught sight of him at times, running around the castle with whatever friend he currently hung out with. “I just want to be proved wrong. I want to see what should be laid out for me, and then do the opposite,” a small grin was appearing on her face as her eyes glazed over as though concentrating on another memory. “Do you remember when dad used to take us to that place with all the trees by the fountain?” She asked, not waiting for an answer before continuing, “He used to say that, you were allowed to cross that lake with the bridge, because you weren’t going to fall in.” She was staring past Elly into the distance, “I had to stay behind mum. They didn’t want me to follow you, but I did and then.. “ that day had ended up with her being soaking wet, it was like they’d expected her to fail before she’d even begun. “I just don’t want to always be the girl that’s expected to not make it,” she’d never admitted that out loud before, least not to her brother although Elly would probably be distracted again soon enough. Isla didn’t want to give anyone any expectations at all.
Elio had always thought Isla was just his shy little sister, always trying to copy what he was doing and for the most part, he let her. Their dad has taught him music and Isla had been there too, picking up the themes that they shared and learning over their shoulder even when they weren’t aware she was in the room. He chuckled slightly when she mentioned there wouldn’t be anything else to explore if it were all laid out for them, which was true and she had a point, it wouldn’t make an adventure worthwhile to know where the destination was. All those little parts in the middle could just get lost. Elio had never realised the Hufflepuff was trying to prove a point though, nor that her own perceived failures stuck true in her mind. After the issue with Vaders camera last year, he’d found out that she’d stolen it, making a scene and almost broke it for his dorm mate before running off with the film. She had always made things more and more difficult for him over the years, especially when it came to trusting her with those around him. It was because of her that they hadn’t been allowed back to that lake until they were much older, and by then it wasn’t quite the same. His sister however was just trying to prove herself, no matter how many times she failed or what she had to do, she was just trying to push past what was expected of her. “That’s why you love Divination?” He asked quietly, trying to piece it together in his head and she nodded, turning away again. As Isla had grown older, so had her confidence, “No one ever said that you always have to win. Sometimes it’s the losing that makes you realise where you should be.” Elio knew that first hand and painfully so, although his sister was oblivious to that aspect of his life. The prefect shifted in his seat, trying to gather the words to explain it. He didn’t exactly remember the memory she spoke of specifically, it obvious hadn’t buried its way into his subconscious in the same way, ready to haunt him later down the line.
By the time Elio was trying to get himself comfortable, Isla was staring at him, anger rising already at his words. Sometimes it’s the losing that makes you realise where you need to be, she had to hold the words in her mind for a moment to consider whether that was really something he’d just said. “You know, that’s easier said than done when you don’t spend your life losing things. You can lose once, you learn a lesson. But you don’t lose things Elio. You had one bloody bad year and look at you now, you got what you wanted and now you’re back to your perfect life with all your friends. People know who you are. People turn to you because they think you can help them. You’ve even got a little prefect badge because you’re one of the “favourites”.” She waved both arms in the air with air quotes. Isla was never going to be a prefect. She was lucky if someone even knew her damn name. “When have you, ever actually lost something? You wouldn’t get it, because unless you have an actual reason to need to avoid failure as your default, I can tell you that losing things do not tell you where you need to be. They show you that you suck, and that you’re always just going to be compared to person closest to you. So to he!l with it, if people are going to make that assumption anyway, might as well give them a reason.” She knew there was a reason she didn’t talk to Elly much anymore. He was so far gone in this land where everything had to be working exactly as he wanted it, that he didn’t stop to realise what would happen if he did let go and find out what people really thought of him. He took photos to supposedly preserve memories and help people, but all he was doing was shoving his glory in everyone else’s faces. Unfortunately the world didn’t quite look like that for many.
Elio was trying to think of the right words to explain it, the feeling that it was because of his experiences that he felt propelled in the direction he did. If he hadn’t had those how would he have known what he did want? Before he could speak though, Isla was talking loudly at him and began to unravel a long wave of emotion about what it was like to lose something. Part of him wanted to tell her to lower her voice, but he realised it was only going to prove her point. He was so aware of what other people thought of him that he would even try to reduce what his own sister was going through if it meant less people would stare at them on the way past. Had his own reputation really gotten to that much of an importance to him? He knew that he was aways being observed because of the badge, he had to lead by a good example, but did that mean that if it was bad attention then it couldn’t be known? He felt a little hurt that Isla hadnt realised just how much that year away had actually damaged him, although it wasn’t as though he’d ever told her the details, he couldn’t. Anyone would think too badly of him. He swallowed nervously, knowing deep down she was right, people did come to him, and he had friends. The Gryffindor was at a loss for a moment but she wasn’t finished. “Isla, failure was my default.” He said after a moment had passed between them in silence. He was defensive about the effort it had taken to get to where he was now, it hadn’t always been like this. “Mum sent me away because I was a failure. The whole reason I had to leave people here that I love, was because I wasn’t good enough to stay. In Scotland, I joined this group. They.. they are not the type of people anyone would want to associate with but I did it on purpose. I spent a year becoming the type of person that would ruin any type of good reputation, because I wanted to get back. So yes. So what if I made it, I should feel bad about that? I have friends, friends that I would do anything for.” Elio was angry but he was still trying to keep his voice lowered, “I came this close to losing the most important person to me, and now, I am terrified that I will again. How am I meant to just ignore that!?”
Isla didn’t know the ins and outs to why Elly had to leave, only that Hogwarts hadn’t been suitable for him at the time. Hearing him talk about how he’d managed to get back, it sounded as though she should have been more understanding that all he’d ever wanted to do was get back to an equal balance in his life. But he’d gone beyond that, he’d gone past the point of what was expected of him and more and now everybody knew his name whether they wanted to or not. As he spoke about someone else, she had at first thought he was referring to Marco, although it had been a long time since she’d ever seen the pair together. “You’re not meant to ignore it you idiot, you’re just meant to be grateful for it,” the fourth year was in tears now, turning to look away from her brother. At least he had those things to lose in the first place. He hadn’t lost the closest person to him, he had come back to school. How could he talk to her about how to deal with things that didn’t go to plan when she didn’t even have those things in the first place to lose. She would have given a lot to have someone that she felt as though she cared so much for that it would cause her pain to imagine them out of her life. But she didn’t, she just had herself and whatever stupid plan she came up with next that would cause her to feel a little bit of something that wasn’t just disregard.
Elio had always believed he was someone who realised what he had, although as Isla turned back to her book in tears, Elio was thinking maybe that wasn’t always the case. Before he’d spoken to Rowan he knew he’d felt guilty about the fact he knew she loved him and he loved her, and even though she said it was okay, that didn’t stop him exploring other avenues with other people. He knew deep down that the guilt was there if he focused on it even if it was supposedly irrational. Ultimately it had been the thing too that had driven them to end up with the conversation they’d had by the lake. “I’m in love with Rowan,” he said out loud after a moment, looking ahead of him instead of who he was speaking to. He felt as though no matter how many times he said it, this didn’t get any easier for him to understand. “Everything about her, I can’t even explain it, it’s like I’m living my favourite f***king dreams. I can’t even begin to think about what life would be like without her in it because it’s just..empty. And yet, part of me knows that if we’re going to make this work, I have to lose myself.” Isla had known he way gay for as long as he had although it had been more complicated than he’d realised. It wasn’t that he wasn’t willing to, he’d already accepted that this was how it had to be if this was the path they were choosing and he was ready for it with open arms, but it was clear that it was still something on his mind. “I don’t care about the reputation Isla. They could take the badge, the grades. I can’t lose her.”
Isla could calm herself down reasonably quickly. There was no need for her to break down entirely just for a little frustration. Things between the siblings went quiet for a few moments and the Hufflepuff wondered whether that was all Elly had to say to her when he opened up about Rowan. She didn’t know who she was either to be honest, but Isla listened as he talked about her that she hadn’t heard him say about anyone else. Sure they didn’t have a whole lot to compare it to, but it was like listening to something out of a movie. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, typical Elio trying to making things as perfect as possible, although he had a point to all this. If he was going to be happy with a girl well then he’d have to give up the boys. “And that’s a hard choice.. because?” Isla didn’t have much experience of her own to really know what Elly was going through, but she could only imagine what it felt like, to have someone that reciprocated feelings as strong as the ones he was describing. “Elly, you’ve always known what you’ve wanted so why is this the thing you’re unsure about? Okay so you don’t get to sleep with next good looking guy, big deal, leave him for someone else that doesn’t want to be.in.love.with.you.” Did she really need to spell it out for him? “By the sounds of it you’re going to lose yourself either way so why just do yourself a favour, cut the c**ap, screw whatever label your trying to abide by because clearly, you’re not as gay as you want to believe, and go find yourself with her. Break the expectations and all that. If anyone going to it’s going to be you,” she flipped a page with mild frustration. She didn’t have the confidence he did to just go out there and get whatever it was that was on her mind, but her brother did. It was just another one of those things she was trying to follow his lead.
Maybe it was because Elio felt like he’d always been so sure of himself that now it came to questioning something he felt so uncertain. Isla thought he’d always known what he wanted and he did too, but maybe he was going to have to start from scratch, work his way back through who he was. What if he lost himself on purpose, did things that normally he would hate, would he find that actually it wasn’t all that bad and that everything he’d believed to be true would be challenged? Elio looked back to his sister who had already gone back to reading. He felt like he was the one that was supposed to be helping her, not the other way round, although he had a lot of making up to do in that regard. “Can you do a reading for me?” He asked, for the first time genuinely curious what it may have said about him as well as what Isla would have thought of translated to. Besides wasn’t that what he was in this school surrounded by people who could support him for? This was the time when he was supposed to be questioning everything. His life wasn’t written out for him and he didn’t have to know what he was doing.
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