Brigade de Lagowski

[Reuben Pendleton]

Down in the Hogwarts kitchens, Reuben was having the time of his life. "Legumier!" he yelled across the steel counter. "Have you peeled my parsnips yet?"
The disgruntled house elf Reuben had assigned to vegetable duty grumbled in way of response, feeling rather offended that his kitchen had been overtaken by a twelve year old boy. It was hard to blame him - Reuben had been ordering the elves around potatoes, carrots, onions, parsnips, leeks, and celery for the better part of three hours.
"Good!" he said happily, wiping his gravy laced hands on the front of an apron which had, quite some time ago, been white. In a large pan in front of him bubbled a chunky green liquid, which by some miracle didn't smell all that repulsive. "A little more basil..." the boy mumbled as he worked, sprinkling into the vat a variety of herbs and spices. He made quite the picture in his makeshift chef's hat and questionably hygienic apron, but it was clear at a glance that he did not care. At last he had discovered his 'true calling', and nothing could dampen his spirits.
When the soup was ready, Reuben dipped a spoon into the pan and blew off the steam before tasting. "Tastes like my blood, sweat and tears!" he announced proudly, and then turned up his nose in disgust. Fortunately for Rudolf, who was about to become the Hufflepuff's critic, the soup actually tasted like vegetables - though it was hard to say whether or not a little of Reuben's sweat sweat had found its way into the recipe as well.
"Oh well," shrugged Reuben, lowering the heat and untying his sticky apron. "Rudolf likes vegetables." He hung the apron on a hook and rinsed his hands under the sink. Now all he had to do was find his twin and convince him that his soup was much better than the pumpkin tart up in the great hall. With a backward glance he exited the kitchen and headed to the library, where he would be almost certain to find Rudolf.
​

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[Hemi Te Rua]

The kitchens were concealed somewhere down in the castle basement. Hemi knew that much and had visited once before, months ago. Unfortunately he couldn’t exactly remember which way he had come. It was the part of the castle he knew least well since he had no classes down there and was usually well fed enough not to seek more food. On this occasion though, Hemi and Maddie were bored and looking for something to do. The pair never behaved when they were around one another and it had quite the habit to seek out trouble in their free time. Today was no exception.

The kitchens were harder to find than the last time, he walked down a vaguely familiar corridor, checking every portrait for signs of fruit but found nothing, “Okay it’s definitely around here somewhere.” At that moment there was a disturbance further up the corridor. Hemi instinctively hid just in case it was a prying Prefect or a punctilious Professor. He was relieved to see it was neither, instead he watched a Hufflepuff by the name of Reuben (or a Gryffindor by the name of Rudolf, he couldn’t be sure) leave through a portrait hole and walk in the opposite direction towards the main staircase. “Or the kitchen entrance is over there, probably” He pointed, leading to the exact spot where Reuben had emerged only moments ago. “Aha! I’m a genius, I found the entrance to the kitchens.” He exclaimed, tickling the pear on the fruit bowl and flashing a smirk at Maddie.

The portrait hole opened and they stepped inside, instantly he was hit by the smell of something simmering on the hob. He approached it cautiously, as if it might be a bomb, “What’s this?” Once he was close enough he leant over and inhaled the smell, “It's soup. It actually smells good!” He grinned at Maddie, they could start to have their fun. “I reckon we can make it taste better though,” he suggested.

 

[Madeline Walden]

Maddie had never ventured to the kitchens before but she had always wanted to see them. She had heard so many stories about the house elves that worked down there and the snacks you could pick up if you visited it. So when Hemi told Maddie that they were going to visit the kitchens today she couldn't hold in her excitement. She almost bounced with every step she took down to the kitchens and made pleasant conversation with Hemi on the way down. There was potential for all kinds of mischief in the kitchen and Maddie couldn't wait to cause some trouble.

The pair were walking around for a while trying to find the entrance to the kitchens. Maddie looked at Hemi while he was examining every portrait for something specific. She didn't have any idea what he was looking for and she was confused when he started to touch them. "Erm... do you know what you're doing?" Maddie asked her friend, he was displaying very unusual behaviour. Suddenly, there was a huge bang and she hid behind a pillar in case there was a prefect or a professor coming towards them. Fortunately for the pair it was a student who looked around their age. As the student got closer to Maddie she realised that it was one of the Lagowski twins. She wasn't sure if it was the brother that was in her own house or the Hufflepuff one. But that didn't matter now, Hemi raced off to the where the boy came from and she realised why he was touching the other portraits. Hemi tickled a pear and the entrance to the kitchen materialised in front of them.

Maddie stepped inside the portrait hole and was amazed with the size of the kitchen, it was huge. She was startled to find that there was in fact house elves who worked in the kitchen and they didn't seem too worried that two young students had just stepped into the room. She smelt something cooking and followed Hemi towards the pan that was boiling on the hob. She leaned over and saw some green liquid bubbling emitting a favourable smell, surprisingly. But not for long now that Maddie and Hemi were there. She nodded in agreement with Hemi's idea "I think we can add a couple of things to the mix" she said grinning at her friend.

 

[Hemi Te Rua]

There weren't many people at Hogwarts who would so willingly sabotage someone's soup with Hemi, but fortunately, Maddie was one of them. He laughed, looking around for things to add. He gestured to a nearby house elf and asked him, "Hey, do you have hot sauce, or anything like that we could borrow for five minutes?" He looked at Maddie, "Can you think of anything to add?"

A few minutes later the house elf returned with what they had asked for. Hemi thanked them, taking the hot sauce and tossing the lid to the side. He emptied the entire bottle into the soup before he was satisfied with the quantity. "Hey Madz, do you want to taste it to check I added enough?" He joked, holding the ladle up for her. He laughed, disregarding that what they were doing was pretty horrible. "I wonder if this has anything to do with Reuben? We did see him leave the kitchen." Hemi mentioned curiously, "I'm thinking we should hide in case they come back!"

 

[Madeline Walden]

The pot on the stove was bubbling away and Maddie thought it would be an awful shame if someone was to ruin whatever was inside but she was persuaded by Hemi to sabotage it. She grinned at him when he called for some hot sauce, that was a good idea but it needed more. Hot sauce just wouldn't be enough, if you were going to sabotage something you had to do it properly! She smiled at the house elf who walked over to the pair and handed them the sauce "Do you have anything stronger? or more disgusting to put in the pot?" she asked the house elf who gave her a most disappointing expression. She was going to have to be more precise. "Hmm..." she said pacing the kitchen, looking in the cupboards as she went. "Do you have anything like cod liver oil?" Maddie asked one of the house elves and to her surprise one came back with a most curious looking bottle. She took it from the house elf and poured a bit of the liquid into the pot. "Mmm..yummy" she said to Hemi, giggling and she mixed the liquid in the pot.

Maddie playfully pushed Hemi away when he asked her to taste whatever was in the pot "Why don't you taste it Te Rua?" she laughed grabbing the ladle from her friend. She thought about what Hemi said and he was probably right. "Must be, which makes it all the funnier. I wonder where Rudolf is, they're normally a package deal" she commented. Maddie decided Hemi was right and that they should hide, she didn't want to leave and miss the reaction from Reuben when he returned. She scoped out the kitchen and found a cupboard to hide in, she grabbed Hemi's hand and dragged him into the cupboard. She left the door ajar so there was enough room for them both to see clearly, the pot that contained their new concoction.

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

"Come... and... taste... soup," Reuben panted when he skidded to a halt in the library, to which Rudolf gave him a concerned look. Rolling his eyes, the Hufflepuff took his twin by the arm and dragged him, whining and pleading, away from his book and down to the kitchens. How on earth they were supposed to share the same DNA, Reuben had no idea. They reached the lower levels of the castle in no time at all, and Reuben momentarily frowned to see the portrait still swung open. Weird, he thought in passing, and then promptly saw his soup and forgot all about it.

"Here, try some!" he said, scooping the ladle from the vat and filling a small bowl with soup for his brother to critique. "I made it myself. There's carrots, onions, celery, potato, leek, and parsnips in it!" Had Reuben paused a moment longer before thrusting the bowl at Rudolf, he might have realised that the soup had a distinctively redder hue than it had when he'd left; but he was much too excited and had spent far too many hours that morning watching vegetables to look at them any longer. He gave Rudolf a spoon and an expectant look. This was the moment of truth! What he had spent his entire morning working on. The proud Hufflepuff could almost picture it - Reuben Lagowski, the most accomplished chef of all time!

 

[Rudolf Lagowski]

Rudolf complained all the way to the kitchens. Didn't Reuben know how many exams they had to study for? They didn't have time to be cooking and taste testing soup. But similarly to last semester, Reuben didn't seem to care one bit about his final grades. How on earth they were supposed to share the same DNA, Rudolf had no idea.

Rudolf's whining ceased when the delicious smell of home made vegetable soup required him to breathe in more than out. He had to admit, it did smell good. On cue, the Gryffindor's stomach rumbled loudly. He lifted his eyebrows at Reuben. "Since when did you know what a parsnip looks like?" he asked. Reuben would usually rather have been seen dead than handling vegetables, and he lived on a farm. Shrugging to himself, Rudolf took the bowl and the spoon and gave the steam a long sniff. He coughed. "Is there chilli in this?" he asked, distrusting of his notorious prankster of a brother. But Reuben was a terrible liar, so when he replied with an obliviously happy, "Nope!", Rudolf had no reason to believe it wasn't the truth. Must be pepper, he thought. Satisfied, he dipped the spoon into the bowl and took a mouthful.

"Hey, it's good!" he said, swallowing another and another mouthful before- "Eeeurgh!" The Gryffindor dropped the bowl on the steel counter and bent over the sink. "That tasted like fish! No... hot fish! Aaaagh! It's burrrniiiing!" Between gagging, he tried to chastise his brother. "You said there was no - huaargh - chilli in it! You - huaargh - liar! Oh, that's disgusting! Even my puke tastes like fish! What did you put in there?!" Through watery eyes, Rudolf finally managed to locate the tap and turn it on to rinse out his mouth. He was going to kill Reuben!

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben gave a triumphant smile, puffing out his chest and wondering if he could convince the house elves to serve his soup as part of dinner that evening. Unfortunately, within seconds his train of thought was horrifyingly derailed. The Hufflepuff stared open mouthed as his twin started gagging over the taste of his soup. Was it really that bad? He thought back frantically over the ingredients, but none of them seemed to explain what was going on in front of him. "I didn't!" he insisted honestly, beginning to panic. "I swear, I didn't put anything in there!" Reuben rushed to Rudolf's side and rubbed his back. Merlin, I've killed my brother! he thought, terror turning his blood cold. Had he picked up some sort of rat poison instead of single cream?!

"I'm really, really sorry, Dash!" he cried. "I don't know how this happened! Do you want me to get a nurse? Are you OK?" Reuben's garbled concern came to a halt when he noticed two empty bottles on the counter near his soup. He picked up the one labelled 'hot sauce', and, like a true doofus (Rudolf's words), still didn't catch on. Instead, his face turned a very ghostly shade of white. "I... I must have picked up the wrong sauces by mistake... Rudolf I swear!" Reuben was just about ready to cry. In fact, his eyes brimmed with tears of guilt and regret. He was never going to cook again.

 

[Rudolf Lagowski]

When Rudolf could finally speak again, he shrugged his brother off miserably. "Yeah, right," he muttered, drying his sore mouth on a nearby cloth. But there was something about the desperation in Reuben's voice that made Rudolf wonder if he really was telling the truth. He had called him Dash, which was something he only ever did when he was feeling extremely guilty. The Gryffindor scowled, not ready to let Reuben off the hook so quickly, and picked up the half empty bottle of cod liver oil. That was strange. Reuben was a master prankster. If he'd meant to put hot sauce and fish juice in Rudolf's soup, he wouldn't have left the evidence lying around afterwards, let alone pointed out it was there. It could all have been a very elaborate double bluff, but Rudolf was not fooled.

"I'm fine. I'm fine! Shut up!" he said, struggling to get a word in edgeways. "You didn't sabotage the soup." Rudolf turned to face a very confused Reuben. He looked as if he were in the throes of solving the equation for general relativity. Rudolf rolled his stinging eyes and grabbed the hot sauce bottle. "You didn't. Someone else did. And they can't have gone far." Rudolf searched the kitchen through narrowed eyes. He marched around counters, peered under tables, and searched cupboards, until- "You two! I should have known."

 

[Hemi Te Rua]

"Yuk, cod liver oil - that sounds disgusting!” Surprised that the house elves kept stuff like that in their stores, Hemi took the bottle and sniffed it, it smelt as he imagined, the smell made him want to spew into the soup (he didn’t though, which was lucky!) He watched Maddie add the ingredient and laughed. Hemi didn’t envy the person unfortunate enough to sample this particular batch of spicy fish and vegetable soup.

Leaving the discarded bottles on the worktop, the menacing duo went in search of a hiding place. Hemi didn’t think there was enough space for them both to fit in the cupboard, even with Hemi’s small stature, but approaching footsteps in the corridor told him they didn’t have a choice. He slotted into the intimate space with Maddie, he'd never been this close to her before which made him feel things he didn't understand. He shook his head, focusing instead on the outside where he had a clear enough view of the kitchen through the crack in the door. He was able to watch the events involving the Lagowski twins unfold.

Hemi had the thought to jump out and tell Rudolf not to eat the soup, but only after he already let his housemate taste the tampered food. By then it was too late. 'Hey, it's good!’ Those were Rudolfs exact words. Hemi looked at Maddie in disbelief, they may have accidentally created something nice... oh no, never mind, it was just a delayed reaction from the chilli. As funny as it was to watch his friend suffer, Hemi felt a twang of guilt he didn't usually have when playing pranks. It was probably better Hemi and Maddie didn't admit to this one and stayed in their hiding place for now.

Hemi prayed to Merlin that Rudolf wouldn’t find them in his mad search to find the perpetrators. But, as it went, Merlin was not to answer Hemi’s prayers today. He smiled meekly at his fellow Gryffindor when he opened their cupboard door. "Well hello to you too!" Hemi replied sarcastically, "Did you not enjoy the soup?"

 

[Madeline Walden]

Maddie scooted over a little so Hemi could fit into the cupboard properly while also trying to position herself so she could still see the horrific/hilarious events that would unfold when Reuben returned to the kitchen. Which didn't take long as footsteps soon echoed off the walls as the twins came running through the portrait hole and into the kitchen. Maddie could hardly hold in her excitement as the two boys walked up to the pot on the stove with Reuben trying to persuade Rudolf to taste his concoction. Maddie held her breath as Rudolf took the ladle and tasted a bit of the soup. She was confused when he said that it tasted nice until the vile mixture surfaced and Rudolf immediately threw up the hot fishy soup. Maddie didn't know whether to laugh or to be shocked at the young boys reaction, she tried to look at Hemi to see what he thought but she couldn't make out his expression. Had they gone too far? Maddie started to have serious regrets about the whole prank when Reuben looked like he was about to cry. "Oh no" she muttered under her breath. This was supposed to be a funny prank but it hadn't at all gone to plan.

Rudolf took it upon himself to search all of the kitchen for the two pranksters, Maddie hoped that he wouldn't find the pair, she didn't fancy trying to explain this. She especially didn't want to face Reuben who seemed genuinely upset that the soup had been ruined. Maddie backed away as far as she could in the small cupboard trying to blend into the wood to no avail. Rudolf threw open the cupboards to a very sheepish Maddie, she gave him a small smile and was thankful that Hemi decided to speak first. "Hey... hey Rudolf..." she said quietly looking at the floor.

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben frowned hard, trying to piece it all together. He hadn't picked up the wrong sauces? Then how-

Before Reuben's train of thought could progress any further, his brother began scouting through the kitchen cupboards. Feeling more than a little dazed, Reuben followed with caution. He was just beginning to wonder if Rudolf had completely lost the plot when he threw open the cupboard doors to two rather guilty looking first years. The Hufflepuff gaped in disbelief. Hemi and Madeline had sabotaged his soup? Then he wasn't a terrible cook, after all! The relief he felt at such a revelation far outweighed his anger for having the prank played on him. In fact, he was so giddy with adrenaline that he began to giggle. Before he could help it, the giggles turned into side splitting tears of laughter. "That was amazing!" he managed to say eventually, and then went back to clutching his stomach to try to keep it from bursting. "You guys got him good!"

Realising that Rudolf was probably about to squirt hot sauce in his eyes, Reuben stopped laughing and backed away with his hands help up in feigned innocence. "I mean, wow, that was a terrible thing to do, you guys. My brother could have like, died or something. Not cool."

 

[Rudolf Lagowski]

Rudolf shoved his hands on his hips and regarded Hemi and Madeline through narrowed eyes. He could still smell fish in the back of his nose, for goodness' sake! His mouth had just opened to give the duo a good scolding when Reuben began falling about with laughter over his shoulder. Rudolf turned half way around, not knowing who to be angriest with. He couldn't even count on his own brother to back him up! But the longer Reuben laughed, the funnier it all became, and not even burning, fishy nostrils could hold back Rudolf's rueful smile. He was clearly trying hard to suppress it, to very little avail.

Without a word, he marched back across the kitchen and retrieved the bowl of soup from the counter before returning to the pair of pranksters. "Actually, it's great," he said, grinning devilishly. "Wanna try some?" Before Hemi or Madeline could take a breath in to respond, Rudolf scooped some of the soup into his palm and launched it into the cupboard. Not waiting to see where it would land, he lunged forward and closed the cupboard doors on them. "Come help me!" he said to Reuben, who happily obliged and came to sit on the floor with his back pressed up against the doors. "We'll let you out when you apologise!" Rudolf yelled over his shoulder and through the wood, grinning at the thought of them splattered with fish soup in such a confined space.

 

[Hemi Te Rua]

Their reactions to falling victims to a prank were funnier than the prank itself and made Hemi feel much better about poisoning his roommate after all, he felt he could wind him up about it rather than feel bad, plus feeling bad about something he had intentionally done was pointless, Hemi shouldn’t waste his time on such things. Hemi snorted, “It’s okay Reuben, he wouldn’t have died, well I mean, I hope he won’t. Undiluted Bubotuber pus isn’t toxic when ingested, is it? How about ground rats tails? They don’t cause diarrhea, do they? We probably should have checked this through with Pendleton first!” He joked, secretly cursing himself of not being better prepared for today and adding those ingredients to the soup when they had the opportunity.

He was about to scramble out of the cupboard when it was forced closed on him, along with a serving of A La Spicy Vegetable Fish Soup which landed right in between Maddie and Hemi, splattering Hemi’s shoulder and some of his cheek. It really did smell revolting, the spice invaded his nostrils. “Never!” He choked back in response to a demand for an apology, he wanted to sound more confident but the smell really was repugnant, poor Rudolf for actually eating it.

He pushed firmly on the cupboard door but it was obvious they were blocking it. “Come on, I reckon we can take them!” He said to Maddie, as he put all his strength into pushing the cupboard door.

 

[Madeline Walden]

You couldn't write the way the evening panned out, Maddie thought they were going to be in trouble with the Lagowski twins for sure until Reuben erupted into hysterical giggles. It was so infectious and so effective at cutting the tension, Maddie couldn't help but giggle a little herself. Were they off the hook? Did Reuben and Rudolf forgive the two troublemakers? "Th.. thanks.. Ru.. Reuben" Maddie said in between laughs. She had just wiped the tears from her eyes when Rudolf decided to give the pair a taste of their own medicine by chucking a ladle full of the tainted soup into the cupboard. Some of the liquid got into Maddie's hair and made her gag, the smell was truly awful and she had no idea how Rudolf could have swallowed it. Just smelling it made her feel sick, and to make it worse the twins had trapped Maddie and Hemi in the cupboard with the vile smell.

"Oh my god, this is the worst smell i've ever encountered!" Maddie whined as she banged on the cupboard door. She nodded at Hemi's call to help push the doors open. She moved into a better position and rolled her sleeves up, she pushed her hair to one side and put her hands on the cupboard door. "Okay... ready?" she asked her friend. "One... Two..." and on three she pushed the cupboard door with all her might.

 

[Reuben Pendleton]

Reuben gave his twin a nervous sideways glance as they pushed their backs into the cupboard doors. Hemi hadn't really put undiluted bubotuber pus and ground rat's tails into the soup, had he? Reuben wasn't so sure about the latter, but the former certainly didn't sound like something healthy to ingest. He kept looking at Rudolf as if he might spontaneously break out into boils or projectile vomit everywhere. The Hufflepuff had shared a room with his twin for long enough to know to evacuate the building when that happened. "Are you - ow - OK?" he asked, oblivious to the fact he'd fallen victim to yet another trick. Reuben wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

He grinned as Maddie whined about the smell behind him. "Payback!" he yelled, pressing his back even harder into the door. But then she began to count, and Reuben had a great idea. He grabbed the arm of his brother, who, likely as a result of sharing Reuben's DNA, understood the plan within a fraction of a second. Just before Maddie uttered the word "three", the twins sprung to their feet and leapt forward, before spinning around to witness the hilarity that would hopefully ensue.