Closed A Timid Step

[Jacob Kingsley]

Jacob had been sitting in the library for some time. It was even more quiet than usual, the space and the school as a whole even more silent with only a small portion of the student body present. Jacob had never stayed behind, had never experienced the school in this way. And even though he was experiencing a fair amount of guilt for not returning home for the holidays, Jacob had also been enjoying himself. Until tonight. For some reason, the guilt had been heavier this evening, probably because he'd received his family's gifts, and Jacob had found himself walking by the counselor's room, which he'd taken to doing every once in a while. He'd simply laid with his head down, nestled in his arms on the cool table, tears slowly dropping down onto the wood. Finally, Jacob decided to search for parchment and quill, a loud sniffle before he wiped at his eyes and thought about what to write. Making sure no one was looking, Jacob left the note sticking halfway out from under her door and ran off.

Dear Miss. Sory I don't know your name to write it up top. I need help, and I don't know who to ask and I kind of don't want anyone to know I'm seeing you. Can you still help me? My owl likes to stay right next to the window in the owlery. He has three brown dots on his left wing. He'll know how to find me. I promise. Thanks, I guess...even if you say no.
J

 

[Maria Madison]

Maria had grown accustomed to her spare time between clients being spent keeping up with all the paperwork her job involved, but that didn't mean it didn't get tedious sometimes. The only complaint she had about working in Hogwarts was not being able to keep files in a computer, the process of manually searching through notes and files often an arduous one. Maria had just decided to take a break from the file she was organising to stretch her legs when she spied a piece of paper sticking out from under her door. How long had that been there? Crossing the office, Maria picked up the paper quickly and ran her eyes across it, her heart softening as she read it. She knew how intimidating and painful it could be to seek help, and tried to figure the best way to help this person if they weren't willing to come in to an appointment. After a lot of thinking and a couple of scrapped drafts, Maria finally had a response letter prepared that she was happy with, and took a walk to the owlery, sending the message off to its mystery recipient.

Dear J

Thank you for your letter. I know it must have been difficult to write. Seeking help with the problems you're facing can be really difficult, and I know it took a lot of courage to reach out. My name is Maria, and I would be happy to talk to you about whatever you're going through. It's easier for me to help you if you come in and see me in person, but if that's still too much right now, I would be happy to exchange letters like this. My job is all about helping you feel safe and supported at school, whatever you're going through, and however you need to receive that help.

I have a very strict confidentiality policy, anything you tell me, whether it's in person or by letter, is private. I won't tell anyone else anything you tell me without your explicit consent, with one exception. The only exception is that if I think you're in active immediate danger of hurting yourself or someone else, I'm required by law to notify your head of house, and make sure you get the care you need to prevent those things happening. I'm telling you this now so you know exactly what you can expect from me in terms of your privacy. Everything you tell me stays entirely between us unless you decide otherwise. (You've even got it in writing now )

Now that we've got the official part out of the way, I would love to hear whatever's been bothering you recently. You can talk about anything you like, and I'm here to listen and help. If you would like, you can respond to this letter with another message, or come by and visit me in my office. The choice will always be up to you.

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Maria Madison

 

[Jacob Kingsley]

Jacob hadn't expected such a long reply. When he'd opened the letter and seen its length, he'd closed the letter and stuffed it into his pockets where it sat forgotten for the duration of the holidays. It wasn't until after his argument with his mother, when he lay in bed, his curtains shut tightly as he cried that he remembered it and he woke up early the next morning to read it. Jacob stopped every now and then to ponder the words. He knew he didn't feel like hurting himself. He'd never do that, and he didn't feel like hurting anyone else either. He'd already hurt his mom's feelings and felt terrible about it. Even thinking about it now filled him with a lot of guilt. He'd been really, really mean. But she made him so angry and she never listened to him. And so he knew he'd never go to see Ms. Madison. He couldn't have his Head of House ever find out anything. Not when his Head of House was his mother. But she didn't seem to be forcing him to come in, and Jacob needed to talk to someone about all of this.

Ms. Madison,

I hope you had a good holiday. I got into an argument with my mom. She and my dad just got divorced, and I didn't want to spend time with either of them. All they do is pretend when they're in front of us kids and it makes me so angry when they pretend we're this big perfect family. We're not. I know it's my fault too. I got into some trouble during my first two years and wanted to switch schools like my brother, and I think it made my parents fight. Do you have kids?

Oh and I kissed someone recently. But I don't know if I like him like him. He's a good friend but I don't know. Does life stay this confusing? I don't know what else to write so I'll say bye. My roommates are waking up and I don't want them to see this.

J

He finished the note and tucked it into his notebook, shutting it and getting out of bed to pack his bad. Thankfully, it was pretty common for Jacob to be rushing to finish homework and readings in the mornings. When he had a free moment, he stopped by the library to quietly drop off his letter.

 

[Maria Madison]

The anonymous letter Maria had recieved some months ago had been on her mind over the holidays, concerning her slightly. She hadn't had any reply, and it worried her that there was someone at Hogwarts struggling, who felt too afraid to come speak to her. There was nothing Maria could do though, other than go about her business, and hope for a knock on her door from that person one day. It was a relief, then, when one morning a familiar letter popped its way under her office door. Maria had a busy day, filled with appointments, but she kept the letter on her desk, opening it up as soon as her last client for the day had stepped out. She read the letter, heart sinking a little as she read about the predicament J was in. Their situation sounded difficult, and she spent some time making sure her response was well worded before heading up to the owlery to send her message back.

Dear J,

I'm glad to hear from you again, but I'm sorry it's under such bad circumstances. Your family situation definitely sounds difficult. Parents separating is never easy, it can feel a lot like the world doesn't make sense anymore when things you thought were permanent change in such a major way. If your parents are pretending everything's fine it sounds like maybe they're having difficulty understanding how this is affecting you. I might be wrong, but it sounds like they want to do their best to keep things the way they always were, to keep things stable for you, but that's not always helpful when you need to talk about how things are changing. It can wind up feeling more unstable, when you don't know what's really going on.

Do you think you can talk to your parents about these feelings? If you would feel unsafe doing so, you should be the judge of that, but I think it would help them a lot to hear from you what you need. As your parents they should want to do the best for you through this, and if what they're trying isn't working they need to know, so they can figure out how to handle this. You sound clever and emotionally mature enough to have these difficult conversations, but it can be difficult for parents to see that sometimes. Try to talk to them seriously, and show them that you can handle the subject maturely.

Parents always want to seem like superheroes in their kids eyes, like they know the answer to every question, and never do anything wrong, but the truth is of course that parents are just people. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes, and everybody hurts somebody else sometimes. And it can be easier to hurt someone else's feelings by mistake when your own feelings are hurt. Your parents are probably hurting a lot from the separation, and finding it hard not knowing what to do. If you're not sure how to approach the subject with them, it might be a good idea to acknowledge that this is hurting them too, and looking at it as a conversation between people who are all going through a tough time right now. It might make it easier for them to see what you need to feel better if you take a first step on the subject.

One thing I want to make clear is that you shouldn't be blaming yourself for what happened. However much trouble you got into, I promise it's not the reason your parents separated. Marriages don't end over a few fights, and there are always things parents keep private from their kids. If the fights over your behaviour were the only thing you saw before the separation it would be easy to feel that way, but I'm sure this wasn't your fault. Grownups are responsible for their own decisions, and there are a lot of things that go into making a marriage work or fail.

I do have kids, I have four children. My three daughters are at Hogwarts, and I have a son at home who will be at school in a few years. I don't know what year you're in, but one of my girls might be one of your classmates.

It can be hard sometimes to know whether you like someone romantically, or just as a friend. Think about how you think you would feel doing more romantic things with him. Holding hands, or going on a date, things like that. If those thoughts make you happy, you might have romantic feelings for him, but it can be hard to tell sometimes. Do you know how he feels about the kiss? It's hard for me to know what to say without more information, but my general advice is always just to think about these things, and think about which thought makes you happiest. If going on a date with him makes you happy, then that's the way to go, but if you think you would be happier just spending time with him as friends, then that's your answer. For romantic feelings, the only thing you can trust is your own gut. And remember, if someone else has romantic feelings for you, but you realise you don't return them, that's nothing to feel guilty about. We don't control our feelings, and you should never feel pressured to feel something you don't.

I wish I could say that life gets less confusing, but even grownups are confused all the time. That's our big secret, everyone is just pretending they know what they're doing. Even if you're still confused though, over time you get more practice at making decisions and understanding how you want to go about things. Your teenage years are sort of the training ground for learning these skills, in how to talk to people and listen to your own inner voice. It's okay to make mistakes, and it's okay not to know what you're doing all the time. Every time life confuses you, it's an opportunity to learn and grow as a person.

I hope this was some help, feel free to write back or come in and see me any time you like.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Maria Madison

 

[Jacob Kingsley]

The counselor had given him a lot to think about, and over the next few weeks, he found himself thinking on it regularly. It happened during classes, at meals, and especially after Valentine's day. Jacob had a lot of questions and had even thought about going to the woman's office on an occasion or two. Both times he'd noticed people he knew sitting near her doorway and had turned away. Jacob had started a letter to her several times but he'd ripped them all up, not pleased with any of it. Finally, on a particularly difficult day, Jacob sat down in the library itself and wrote her a letter, slipping it under her door just before the library closed for the evening.

Ms. Madison,

Thank you for your last reply. You gave me a lot to think about in there. Thanks for not talking to me like I'm a baby. My parents used to be like that too, but now they say I'm too young to understand when I ask them questions. I think I'm going to take your advice though. I might try writing my dad a letter. He's really busy all the time. Not as busy as before, but still.

Oh yeah...I think one of your daughters is in my house

Thanks for your advice because I think I made a pretty big mistake with my friend. I think I hurt his feelings pretty bad. I didn't mean to, I swear! I just didn't think sending him a rose on Valentine's day was that important, and if I'm being honest I would have sent him a yellow one and not a pink one like he sent me. But now I think I lost two friends instead of just one if I'd been honest with him. I dunno, maybe Sapp would still be mad at me. I'm going to try to apologize to them both soon. Apologies are hard though.

I think I'm probably doing a lot of growing as a person lately because life sure has been confusing lately. But you're helping me kind of figure things out, so thanks. I don't think I'm ready to go to your office yet. I hope that's ok. The school still pays you anyway, right? Even if I don't go to your office?

J

 

[Maria Madison]

Some days were long, and left Maria more drained than usual. Keeping her own emotions regulated when she felt deep sorrow for a student's plight, or frustration at someone repeating the same mistakes that had caused a bad situation was by far the most difficult part of her job, and seeing a few rough cases on the same day always took it out of her. Had Maria been paying closer attention she would have maybe noticed the letter slip under her door, perhaps had the presence of mind to pop her head out, see if she could see someone nearby looking like they might like to come see her. The letter escaped her notice though, until Maria was packing up to head home. She picked it up quickly, and took the message home with her, reading it through and writing out her response once she had made Finn dinner and put him to bed. As tired as she was, she wanted to get her response back to the letter writer promptly, and by the time she arrived at Hogwarts the next morning it was finished, and Maria stopped by the owlery to post the letter before beginning her day, hoping it would reach its recipient quickly.

Dear J,

I'm glad you found my letter helpful. I definitely think it can be easy for adults to forget how well young people understand things sometimes, especially when they're going through a difficult situation that maybe doesn't completely make sense to them themselves. It's easier to say "You wouldn't understand." than "I don't understand." sometimes. Of course that's going to leave you feeling left out and talked down to though. I think writing to your dad is a very good idea, I hope he understands and takes you seriously.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your friend. It's a horrible feeling realising that someone else thought something was important that wasn't important to you. It's a good idea to apologise, even if it can be difficult. It's brave to know when you've made a mistake, and do what you can to make things right. Try to be sincere and honest with your friends, and remember that if you don't return your friend's feelings it's important not to feel like you should go out with him to make up for it. Apologising is a good thing, but you don't owe feelings that you don't feel to anyone else. Even if he's disappointed, honesty and openness will always have better results in the long run.

Teenage years are very confusing, and it can feel like things are changing very quickly, (especially in a situation like yours,) but even if it doesn't always feel like it, I think you're doing a good job. Making mistakes and not understanding everything is completely normal, and you're handling things in a very mature way. Knowing how to ask for help when you're struggling is an important skilll to have, and I'm glad my letters have been helping. And you don't need to worry, the school pays me very well. The reason I would prefer you to come and see me in person is that it's much easier to understand a situation when I can ask follow up questions as you're talking, and we can discuss problems back and forth. (Also, I have biscuits and cups of tea in my office, and I can't offer you either of those over a letter. Sometimes a cup of tea is what you really need when things are tough.) I know you find the idea difficult, and I don't want to pressure you, but I do hope I'll see you in my office in person one day. It'd be nice to talk about things properly.

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Maria Madison

 

[Jacob Kingsley]

With another nice letter to think on, Jacob went about the rest of his semester. The contents of Ms. Madison’s response were frequently on his mind especially as events played out with Onyx and Sapphire. He’d apologized to both at different points, and was happy to put that behind him. What helped was seeing some of her pronouncements playing out exactly as she said they would. Jacob realized that he wasn’t the only one going through teenage struggles and that everyone seemed to be just as confused as he was. Certain third years just were better at hiding it all, he was discovering. It made Jacob feel a little better though he wished that it could all just be easier. Jacob still hadn’t written to his father, but he had plans to do so and had even worked out a little bit in his head. His relationship with his mother was still the same, some days good and other days a little rough. It wasn’t until Jacob was beginning to pack that he uncovered the woman’s letter again, and happy to procrastinate packing for his early departure from the castle, Jacob cleared a small bit of space on his desk to write a return letter.

Ms. Madison,

I’m sorry I haven’t written back in a while. The semester got a little crazy and I misplaced your letter. I did keep thinking about everything you had written, so thanks for giving me a lot to think about again.

I did end up speaking to my friend and was really honest with him and apologetic. He forgave me which I was happy about because I really did like being his friend. I might go see him this winter too. I just feel a little bad because I didn’t invite him to my house even though I’m having another friend over. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, I guess.

Maybe I will come visit you one day because you have really helped me a lot. I just don’t think I’m ready yet. A lot of people think they know me because of my parents. It’s nice to talk to someone who doesn’t know me at all or think they know all about me. I’m glad the school pays you well because you deserve it. I wanted to send one last letter this year to say thank you. I hope you have a good break.

J

 

[Maria Madison]

With the semester winding down, Maria's biggest focus was on long-term plans for students who needed support over the holidays, and students who wouldn't be returning to Hogwarts. It was a busy time, writing referrals and self care plans for students who needed a little help getting through the holidays by themselves. She was pleasantly surprised when another letter from J appeared under her door. It had been a while since she had heard from them, and she had been considering sending them another letter before school ended, just to check in. Opening the letter, Maria smiled, happy and relieved to see the more optimistic tone from the letter's writer. Setting it aside for a moment, she waited until the end of her shift to pen a reply, once treatment plans were finally squared away, and she was ready for the holidays.

Dear J,

I'm glad to hear from you, and I'm glad to hear my letters were helpful. It sounds like you've been handling things very sensibly, and I'm glad to hear that. You're a very mature young person. Even if things are a bit awkward with your friend right now, I'm glad he understands and respects your feelings. And remember that if it's not something you want, you don't owe anyone time with them. It's perfectly fine to have one friend visit in the holidays, but not another.

I hope you do come and see me one day, I would like that a lot, but I can understand why you find it difficult. No matter who your parents are though, you'll always be your own person, and that's all that matters. Even if some people don't understand that, plenty of people will, and they'll be happy to see you exactly as you are. That's always the way I'm going to treat you, whether you ever feel comfortable with me knowing who you are or not.

I hope you have an excellent break, and feel free to come to me any time you need to talk in future.
-Maria Madison