Closed A Thousand Guilts

[Colin Michaels]

The first semester of the school year was drawing to a close. With Winnie returning home in a matter of weeks, Colin was forced to return home in kind and confront his increased distance and absence from his family’s lives in preparation of her arrival. Since the election he was a ghost in his own home, using every excuse in the book and finding even more to spend time away from what was suffocating him. His time working on the campaign had been the cause for this, and the ensuing distance it put between him and his family, particularly with Eva, had forced Colin to realize the bigger picture he had painted of what was a 'perfect life' was a lie he no longer saw himself being part of. His increased distance in the later months after Claudia’s win, although exhausting for him, had been another opportunity for Colin to see the mess he had created from an outside perspective and was the eventual motivation for him to fix it. Through his chance to be away from it all he had worked hard to figure everything out, knowing that being honest undoing the lie wasn't as easy as making one big decision, but one big decision with several other, smaller decisions that changed not only his life, but Eva's and Winnie's lives along with it.​

Quite frankly, honesty was an overwhelming thought, nevertheless an action, and Colin did not have the courage to be honest until that day where he knew he could no longer delay the inevitable. Knowing the life he had led for over twenty years was a lie and the fact he had deceived everyone he knew, on top of denying himself true happiness was too much for him to confront before he had a plan of how he should handle it. Now he was returning home to rid himself from the guilt of his dishonesty and confront the demons he had kept hidden for what felt like a lifetime, not with an entire plan but a fraction of one which was the best he could do as his heart was beating rapidly in his chest and his fingers prickled with fear induced adrenaline. Walking into the house as the time hit three in the afternoon, Colin headed to the kitchen, searching for Eva. Throwing his keys on the kitchen table and loosening his tie, he called out. “Eva! Are you home?” Colin swallowed the growing lump in his throat as he waited for an answer, knowing he couldn't back out of this if he tried.​

 

[Eva Marsh]

In a happy marriage, Eva knew her husband's return home should be something she looked forward to. Just the thought of couples who reunited at the end of a day overjoyed to see one another twisted Eva's stomach now. The state of her own marriage had become impossible to ignore some time ago, and as much as she knew Colin was avoiding her, Eva couldn't help but feel responsible as well. How many years had it been since she had been willing to open up to him? Fear had become the defining factor of their marriage a long time ago. Fear of one another's emotions, fear of vulnerability, fear of disrupting the status quo. Perhaps if it had just been the two of them, this would have ended a long time ago, but putting Winnie's happiness above their own had been one of the last things Eva and her husband had been able to agree upon for a long time. She was getting older though, and Eva could feel the last semblances of their marriage hanging by a thread.

Colin opening the door drew all of the warmth out of the home in a rush. Eva nearly dropped her quill as the tense chill she had come to associate with her husband's presence filled the air and she felt herself sitting up straighter, even though there was no chance Colin would come near her. Just as always, they would avoid one another, sitting through the evening in polite silence until it was time for bed. Eva had wondered for years why they even bothered sharing a room anymore. Keeping up appearances for Winnie, maybe, but she was at school. Keeping up appearances for one another, perhaps. The expected silence was abruptly broken, though, when Eva heard Colin's voice calling out for her, and her heart leaped into her throat. Why would he want to see her? What could have happened? Setting down her quill, Eva took a slow breath as she stood up. "I'm in my office." She called out, leaving the paperwork aside for a moment as she stepped out to find her husband, finding him quickly in the kitchen. "Was there something you needed to talk about?"

 

[Colin Michaels]

There was a small part of Colin that hoped Eva wasn't home, so he could delay this confrontation a little longer. The fear of the unknown for himself was still entirely overwhelming, even if he knew this wasn't something he could run away from anymore. But just as he thought Eva was away she called back that she was in her office, soon arriving in the kitchen to ask what he needed to talk about. Taking a deep breath trying to rid the feeling of his tightening chest, Colin nodded in response to her question, hands moving from his loosened tie to pull one of the chairs out at the table. "I think it's best if you sit down, I..." He stopped himself mid sentence, looking away from Eva to shake his head as he contemplated his words. The speech he rehearsed in his mind suddenly seemed inadequate, too devoid of feeling now that he was in the moment. Despite the lack of any affection in his marriage with Eva and the lie he had upheld since the moment they met, Colin did care for her in some way. It was misplaced in their marriage but it meant the last thing he wanted was to be inconsiderate of her feelings. As much as this was about and for him, it was also for Eva, since their marriage finally reaching a definitive end meant she could move on and find someone that made her happy. When he spoke again he tried to word what he needed to say less selfishly. "We need to talk about getting a divorce." He said, sitting down across from Eva. Given this conversation held much, much more than a simple discussion about ending their marriage, Colin thought it would be best to wait and see Eva's reaction. Telling her everything at once would be wrong, and in being inclusive of her feelings he knew he needed to wait for some kind of a response before he continued.​

 

[Eva Marsh]

Colin actually calling Eva to speak was an unusual occurrence, but him asking her to sit down was even more unusual. Eva felt all her nerves standing on end as she took a seat, watching her husband a little warily. Had he lost his job? Had something happened to Winnie? A family member passed? She didn't know what to expect, and the serious expression on Colin's face was unsettling her. Nothing she had worried about prepared Eva for what Colin actually said though. Divorce had felt as taboo a subject as the general state of their shambles of a marriage for what felt like forever. For Colin to just say it so plainly, as though it was something they had been discussing for months left her shellshocked. It took Eva a moment to find any words to say, the first thing that came to her mind her own main reason for never having brought this up before. "What about Winnie?!" She asked, the impact on their daughter the main thing worrying her. It took a long moment for Eva's mind to catch up to her own situation. The love had long gone from their marriage, but that didn't stop this stinging. Part of Eva was indignant that Colin had been the one to finally bring this up, not her, and it overrode the part of her that was relieved to finally have their problems out in the open. "And what about - Colin, we've been married for seventeen years, for christ's sakes! You can't just drop something like this on me! Why are you bringing this up now?!"

 

[Colin Michaels]

Colin knew the blunt way this subject was brought up was not ideal and he regretted his words but alternately had no idea of a different way to go about it, his communication with Eva lacking in frequency enough for being short and to the point to be normalized in his interactions with her and causing him to think dropping this on her as if pulling a metaphorical band aid was his only option. He knew afterwards it wasn't and wished he could take it back, mentioning this to her more subtly but the band aid was gone now and they were left with the pain of continuing. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Colin listened to Eva's words. Winnie was the reason Colin had stayed in this situation for so long, the desire to give their daughter a happy and stable life one of the things that was most important to him. But as Winnie had moved on to start school her absence from home during most of the year brought the cracks in their marriage to the surface where they deepened, the fact this was an act for her sake too obvious to deny. Moving his hands from his face to look back at Eva, Colin tried to voice his reasoning as calmly and honestly as possible, knowing there was nothing else he could do. "Eva, I think we've been on this path for a while now. Winnie's in school and growing up, and we never talk, it's like we're going out of our way to avoid each other which I have been doing because this isn't healthy for either of us." He started, knowing this needed to be ongoing, after this they needed to discuss money, property, custody, telling Winnie, all things he dreaded knowing this hurt and fear he felt over the uncertainty that would be his life wouldn't end with just that day. Most of all this was leading him to the words that choked him up whenever he tried to speak them aloud, the ones he hadn't spoken or been said by his choice for his entire life.​

​

Sighing, Colin moved his gaze to one side, overwhelmed at how intense this conversation felt when it had barely begun. There were still mountains of things unsaid that needed to be bought to light. "I would suggest we work on it, go to one of those marriage counsellors and make time and effort for each other, but I don't think it's possible. I'm sure we can't fix this." Colin felt his eyes begin to water and be blinked profusely, willing not to break down because he knew this required him to be strong where he wasn't able to before. "That's because, well, I'm gay." He finally said, refusing to look at Eva again knowing if he did he couldn't keep his composure. The words felt foreign to his ears, being said only in his mind until that moment. Coming out did not feel as freeing as he thought it would, and if Colin weren't so grounded by the heaviness of the conversation and the conversations he knew would unfold after that day he was sure he would be having an out of body experience.​

 

[Eva Marsh]

Eva felt her heart constrict as Colin spoke. He was right, everything he was saying had been a long time coming, but it was difficult to let go of the part of herself that was indignant not to be the one saying it. The wall of silence built between them had felt so impossible to breach that Eva had settled for years of loveless life, but to not be the one to break that wall felt even more like failure than the silence had. Eva had failed at marriage, and now it seemed she was failing at divorce too. There was nothing she could say in argument though so Eva let Colin's point slide, heart aching in her chest. it was almost a relief that Colin wouldn't look at her. His gaze would be too much right now. Eva averted her eyes too as he went on, staring down at the swirls on her fingertips as Colin went on about how he was so sure even counselling couldn't save them. After years of silence, Eva didn't doubt that, but she didn't understand why Colin was so unwilling to try. That was, until he went on. Eva's heart stopped for a moment, as his words sunk in. She felt tears spring to her eyes, and didn't know why. Grief? Pity? Relief? Reaching out, Eva took her husband's hands for what felt like the first time in years. "Colin..." She said softly, not even trying to hide the waver in her voice. "I... it's okay."

Colin's words dragged memories from the depths of Eva's mind, thoughts she had done her best for years to suppress. Girls she had been unable to get off her mind in school, years never feeling comfortable with any boyfriend she dated, a woman she had once dared to kiss drunkenly at a party, and dwelled upon for years after. All thoughts Eva had packed away in the back of her mind, never to be allowed to surface as she chased desperately after the life she thought she was supposed to want. Husband, daughter, career, she had convinced herself that was all she needed to be happy. It had all turned hollow though, and allowing herself to look back for the first time in years, Eva realised this had never been the life she was supposed to lead. "I... I think I am too." Eva choked out, withdrawing one shaky hand from Colin's to wipe her eyes. The voice that had said those words didn't sound like her own, the thoughts she was remembering felt like they were coming from another version of herself entirely. A happier one. Eva had dedicated her entire adult life to building walls around herself, and it all felt worthless now. They were all gone. Maybe now, though, happiness could find its way back into her hollow life.