Closed Out Of Reach

Hinemoa hadn't let herself cry the whole time she was in the air. Even when the rain hit and froze her to the bone she had kept it together, kept her head held high. She wasn't going to cry in front of her teammates at their first practice, she couldn't let them see her as weak before they had even played a match together. Logically, Hinemoa knew it wasn't weak to cry, not really, and she never would have judged a teammate for being upset after such a bad practice, but... but when it was her, it felt different.

She hung back after most of the others had left, slouched in the doorway watching as the rain that had cut their practice off so abruptly faded just as quickly, leaving an uneasy grey in its wake. It felt almost frustratingly reflective of her mood - something so dramatic and horrible over so quickly, but... the soggy ground remembered. And she was the soggy ground. Or something like that. Hinemoa had never really been a poet, but she thought that was the kind of thing a poet might say. It was an easier thought to think than to dwell on her total failure, hiccuping with quiet sobs as she slumped in the doorway.

Hinemoa thought she had done a pretty good job of dodging the rest of her teammates, so she jumped at the sound of Lilith's voice, scrambling to stop herself crying. She hated it, hated that Lilith had noticed so clearly how badly she had failed, how hard she was taking it. It hurt, and she bit down the anger and frustration at herself, unwilling to let it spill over onto the other girl. "I know." She choked down, hands in fists, looking away again to try not to let herself cry.

"I know it was just a bad day, but it was my first day and I sucked. And it's not even just embarrassing myself in front of the team, that's bad enough, but like... ugh! This is gonna sound so conceited!" She rubbed her face in frustration, messing up the hair she had just tried to tame. "But there's people watching me. I have to go back to the common room where my Mum is waiting to ask how practice went! I have to tell her I sucked!" Hinemoa felt bitter tears pricking at her eyes again, looking away quickly. "And she's gonna be so nice about it, but I don't wanna have to tell her! And then my stepmum is gonna ask her, and she's head of the Quidditch league, and she helped me learn! There's SO MANY people expecting me to be good, and I don't get to just wait until I play a game to tell them, my mum is right there! And they're both gonna be SO nice about it, but it still SUCKS!"