Unusually Hard to Hold Onto

[Odette Madison]

Odette had known she couldn't avoid Harley forever, and a part of her hadn't wanted to. But their meeting today would probably still be incredibly awkward. Would the girl be angry she hadn't written? But Harley hadn't written Odette either, so was it really Odette's fault? A part of her felt like their conversation before the holidays had ruined something vital. But at least Harley didn't appear to hate her, judging by the note she had sent to meet up here. She wondered if the girl had seen her at the yule ball on her own. Or worse, if she had seen her talk to Hayden. Hopefully she wouldn't think Odette wasn't over her ex, or something. Fidgeting with her hair, she waited for the girl to arrive in their usual spot. Had Odette been early? She wasn't sure, but she wished Harley would show up already so she would know what to expect from this conversation, so she could gauge the other girl's mood.The idea of seeing her again after some weeks made her nervous. Somehow, it didn't feel the same as before. The nerves in her stomach didn't feel the same. It felt less like anticipation and more like dread. With a small sigh, she glanced to the door as it opened.

 

[Harley Tsuji]

These past holidays had been strange and difficult, with Odette away at school, and nobody for Harley to spend time with. She had tried to write letters a few times, but every time she started to write her mind flashed back to how uncomfortable the Yule Ball had been, the awkward conversation beforehand, and glimpsing Odette from a distance during the dance itself. It was distracting enough that Harley hadn't finished a single letter, and based on the lack of communication from Odette, Harley assumed the other girl must be feeling similar. They were back at school now though, it was a new term, and Harley was eager to just put that behind them. Like nothing ever happened. She had reached out to Odette to meet immediately, hoping they could just hang out and chat and kiss like normal, forget the weird energy of the last few months. Harley had planned to bounce in the room like she always did and give Odette a kiss, but as soon as she entered the familiar classroom, she felt the uncomfortable energy coming from Odette, and it stopped her plans in their tracks. There was really no cheerful way around this. Harley still tried, but even she could feel the discomfort in her smile as she approached Odette. "Hey..." She said awkwardly, stopping a meter from the other girl. "Uh... good holiday?"

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette felt herself tense up the moment Harley stepped into the room, though she tried her best to seem normal. She gave the girl a smile and a small wave as she approached, but noticed immediately that the other girl's demeanor was different too. Every other time they had met here, Harley had kissed her or played with her hair. The girl seemed insistent on physical affection, which had been nice. But now there was a distance between them there had never been before. A part of Odette wanted to ask her why she wasn't kissing her, why she stood so far away. But she knew Harley was feeling the same thing she was. "Hi." She said softly. "Yeah, it was okay." She was about to tell her about the wheelbarrow race, but the words died on her tongue. They had participated and lost, it really wasn't a very interesting story. "You?" She asked instead, making no moves of her own to close the distance.

 

[Harley Tsuji]

The distance between them felt uncomfortable, and Harley didn't know when this had grown, but she couldn't help internally cursing herself for not writing over the break. However strange things had been at the Yule Ball, Harley should have said something sooner, as that strangeness seemed only to have multiplied in the interim. She shrugged awkwardly in response to Odette's question, leaning against a desk. "It... you know, family." She said awkwardly. "Sucky. The usual." There wasn't much more to say. Odette knew better than anyone what Harley's family were like, having seen them in person for years. With nothing else to say though, Harley felt the same uncomfortable silence fall between them, and her heart dipped further into her stomach. Harley didn't know what to do about the distance, the conversation that had once flowed so easily now felt... uncomfortable, and nothing new came to her. After a long, painful silence, Harley decided to broach the subject, albeit in a sideways way. "Did... you have a good Yule Ball?"

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette cursed herself for the thoughtless question she had mirrored back to Harley. She knew the girl didn't like her family, well, her parents. Odette had never really pried into it too much, but she should have known better. "Right... sorry." She said, chewing on her lip. A silence fell then, and Odette's mind scrambled to fill it up. But she had no idea what to ask or say. Should she ask after her sister? But she had never really done that before. It would just be strange. But when Harley mentioned the yule ball, Odette wished she had broken the silence first. Did they have to talk about that? Was it really so important? Odette went on the defensive, crossing her arms. "It was fine." She said with a small frown. In truth, it had been kind of awkward. "Why?"

 

[Harley Tsuji]

Harley shrugged awkwardly in response to Odette's apology, crossing her arms. "It's cool." She said awkwardly, rocking from foot to foot slightly. Odette asking didn't really bother her, but it was hard to know what to say, especially with the uncomfortable air between them. Part of Harley still wanted to reach out to Odette, embrace her like usual, but the atmosphere between them had grown so cold with time. She hadn't known exactly what response to expect to her question, but Odette's defensiveness had Harley shaking her head quickly, throwing her hands up. "Hey, just asking." She said quickly. "I saw you there, but, y'know, didn't wanna bother." She sighed, folding her arms again, a tense, anxious shiver building under her skin. Harley had never had the best control over her emotions, and she wasn't going to let such an uncomfortable, painful worry go unspoken, immediately blurting out what was bothering her. "Are you, like, sick of me or something?"

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette was glad Harley didn't seem too bothered by her question, but it annoyed her that she had brought up the yule ball. Why was it so important? Why did that have to be what they kept getting back to? So Odette didn't want to be open about their relationship yet. Big deal. She huffed down a slight breath, feeling like Harley was subtly trying to tell her she was wrong for saying no. Her final question was the last straw, and Odette threw up her hands. "Why do you have to make a big deal out of this? I just said I didn't want to go together, I never said I was sick of you. You're twisting everything around." She said, giving her a slight glare. "I saw you too. You looked nice. But just because we have this... this thing doesn't mean we have to do everything together, does it? I'm my own person, not just your... whatever."

 

[Harley Tsuji]

Harley had been powerless to hold back the outburst, but as soon as Odette reacted, she regretted it, wishing and wishing that she was better at keeping her mouth shut. Odette's last remark stung especially though, and Harley found herself glaring at the other girl. "I never said you were just mine!" She snapped. "Forgive me for thinking like, doing stuff together would be nice." She glared at Odette, feeling her old anger at the girl flaring up all at once. "You've been pushing me away for ages, you act like I'm embarrassing to be with or something, I don't get what's so horrible of me to want to spend f***ing time with you, like, that's somehow some crime or whatever. You've made it clear that you don't wanna spend any time with me though, I'm not even worth a single letter or whatever, apparently, but I still came in here like hey, so excited to see my girlfriend again, but you've been all cold and weird since I got here, like I couldn't even hug you. You just act like you don't wanna be around me anymore." Harley's trembles of anger and rejection only got worse and she was struggling not to let her upset show, fighting back bitter tears that kept threatening to push through.

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette wasn't sure why she hadn't expected Harley's outburst, but she hadn't. She should have known the girl well enough now to understand she wouldn't be able to keep her emotions down, much like Odette herself. She felt frustrated and cornered, was it really so hard for Harley to just understand? Since when had her confidence been so fragile? "I just didn't want to go to this stupid party with you! It's too official, too REAL. Okay? I wasn't ready." She snapped, clenching her hands into fists. "And for you to come in here trying to guilt-trip me into feeling bad is really immature." Tossing her hair back, she took a step closer to glare at her. "And do I need to remind you that you weren't exactly jumping at the chance to write me either? You could have taken the first step, but instead you keep expecting things of me without telling me and then getting angry when I don't do it. It's not fair of you to test me like that." She said, feeling both angry and upset. Was this the end? Should it be? Somehow, Odette had the feeling they wouldn't recover from this argument, but she couldn't keep the words in. "You're wanting me to be someone I'm not. I can't be the perfect... person for you just like that. Somehow, she couldn't bring herself to say the word girlfriend. It was the second time the word hadn't managed to form. "Just stop pushing me."

 

[Harley Tsuji]

Harley's teeth were clenched so tightly it hurt her jaw, to fight back the tears of frustration and rejection from pushing through. "We've been dating for a year, Odette!" She snapped back, glaring at the other girl. "If you're just not ready yet are you ever gonna be ready?" Harley felt like she already knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it from Odette. "Why can't you just admit you don't think I'm good enough for you? You'll only hang out with me when there's no chance of anyone else finding out, and I'm just supposed to not be insulted by that? Can you not like, step back for a second and think about how that feels? I can't even tell my closest friends about you, I'm so sick of hiding things!" Harley rubbed her face, taking the chance to wipe away the beginnings of tears, not wanting Odette to see them. Unaware of the slight smearing of her eye makeup, Harley continued. "I didn't write partly because I wanted to see if you cared enough to write to me, and partly because I didn't f***ing know what to say if you didn't want to talk to me! You put up this big, like, don't bother me wall, you can't act like it's weird that I didn't want to f***ing bother you!" Harley took a step back slowly, watching Odette with anger and pain. "I don't want you to be a different person, I just want you to be who you were last holidays. Back when you knew how to have fun and weren't busy being too perfect for me."

 

[Odette Madison]

Odette felt traitorous tears sting in her eyes as this conversation continued. They were both making points that were true, but she didn't want to listen to what Harley was saying. Maybe she would never be ready to be seen with Harley, or maybe she would have been if there was just a little more time. Even though Odette had stopped listening to her mother long ago, her voice still sounded in the back of her head often. Didn't Harley understand that she wasn't ashamed of her, but of herself? But Odette couldn't put that into words. "I just don't get why it should be anyone's business. Why we should shout it from the rooftops! Your friends would shun you if they knew. You did tell one of them, without asking me, and that didn't go so great now did it?" Odette had told her only friend too, and it had gotten her into a fight right after they had made up. It wasn't worth all the drama. "Well if you're so sick of it, you can tell everyone we broke up!" She snapped, a few tears spilling over as the words left her mouth. "I never thought you cared so much about what other people thought. You are JUST as responsible for the lack of letters, don't push it all on me! You're not that insecure. You were just trying to test me so you could throw it in my face later when I didn't act like the perfect girlfriend." Odette averted her gaze. "I know I'm not perfect. I f***ing know I'm not good enough for you and I have for a while now. You should just go. Tell everyone if you need that."

 

[Harley Tsuji]

It was almost too painful to listen to what Odette was saying, but it was too late to just turn and run and pretend this horrible, horrible conversation had never happened. Things had been said now, and they just kept being said, no matter how much Harley wanted them to stop. "What's so WRONG with shouting it from the rooftops?!" She snapped back, throwing her hands up. "Do you know how much time I've spent LYING for you? All my friends go on and on about their amazing girlfriends and boyfriends and I have to act like I don't care and all I want to f***ing DO is talk about you! I'm so sick of pretending I don't care! I care! I care a LOT, Odette!" She snapped, tears finally breaking free from her eyes. The next thing Odette said stopped Harley's heart though. A horrible, awful, sensible part of her had known from the beginning of this conversation that they weren't going to walk out of it together anymore, but Harley had been desperately ignoring that awful truth, too focused on each moment to let herself realise what this meant until now. Love had mystified Harley when she was younger, and while over the last few months Harley had thought she was starting to understand it, the pain of realising everything she was losing struck so deeply that she couldn't imagine why anyone would want to subject themselves to this. "Fine." Harley choked, stepping back, her shaking limbs filled with so much bitterness and fury and pain that they seemed to move on their own, grabbing the edge of the nearest desk and upending it with a rough, angry shove. "Fine! I was an idiot to think you'd changed!" Harley spat, the violent shake in her voice betraying the pain surging through her. "I'm s-sorry for ever thinking I could be good enough for you to be seen with, princess!" She spat, stepping back towards the door. Harley took one last bleary-eyed look at Odette before turning away, hating the part of her heart that still wanted to run back into her arms. Making her way to the door, Harley shoved roughly at a stack of dusty chairs, sending them clattering to the ground in a loud cascade. She shoved the door open violently and slammed it with a rough shove. Every part of her coursing with anger and hurt and regret Harley stumbled away towards her dorm, punching walls and shoving past people as she went, failing in her struggle to fight back the tears that wanted to course down her face.

 

[Odette Madison]

As Harley responded to her, Odette knew immediately she wasn't actually listening to her words. Of course there was nothing wrong with shouting it from rooftops, but she just didn't feel ready. Harley pushing her made her feel resentful, but it made her sad too. It made her feel like she wasn't enough. Odette had already told the only person she had to tell, and that had gone badly. She just didn't feel like being in the spotlight yet, she only felt like herself lately when she was alone with Harley or Margo or on the Quidditch field. Anything else felt automatic.

Even though she had been the first one to mention breaking up, it still hurt that Harley wasn't even arguing or fighting it. She knew that was unreasonable for her to feel that way, but that didn't stop her. Harley's next words hit her like a fist, and she stepped back. Was she right? Was Odette unchanged? She had felt like she was putting in an effort, but what if she was fooling herself? Harley's last words made her anger return, though, and as the girl headed towards the door Odette couldn't stop herself from shouting after her. "If you ever learned to LISTEN you would have known its the other way around!" She yelled, but she wasn't sure if Harley caught it all between the clatter of the chairs falling down. As the door slammed shut, Odette fell to her knees and started to cry. Breaking up with Hayden had hurt, but not nearly as much as this. There was a part of Odette that wanted to run after her and apologize, but she was also still angry and upset about what Harley said. Instead of leaving, she pressed her hands to her face and sobbed. She had no idea what to do next, and that scared her more than anything.