Closed The Things I'll Never Say

[Sapphire Michaels]

Sapphire shut her eyes as the cool breeze blew through her hair. It had only been a few days since returning to school, and she was enjoying the peace. Living with her uncle was certainly... interesting. She would have to write later and see how Jordie was handling her absence. She sighed, her mind drifting back to Mervyn. She looked down at the paper she'd been scribbling on all day. She had come to a strange realization. It had been nagging at her ever since he'd come over for dinner over the break. She wasn't sure when exactly it had happened... well, that wasn't entirely true. If she thought about it long enough, she knew that it had been when he'd come and found her at the treehouse, when he'd made her let him brush her hair. It had all gone downhill from there.

Her, Sapphire Michaels, the skeptic, the fighter, the odd one out with a wit that often got her in trouble and no filter to speak of... she had fallen in love with Mervyn Strangeways. She blushed at the thought and lowered her head. She would have to tell him the next time she saw him. But... how did you say something like that? Did you just blurt it out? Was there a moment? She didn't want to mess it up. She probably would, but still. She looked down and read over the lyrics she'd written. She'd scribbled out a million different things because she couldn't decide. She had never been one for romance and often teased her brother for his fascination with love songs. She sighed. This was hopeless.

 

[Mervyn Strangewayes]

This hadn't been an easy decision. In fact, Mervyn had never thought for so hard and so long about any other decision in his life - and he had made a few. Yet there was only one reasonable choice. It had to be done. The alternative wasn't even up for consideration. So, really, the decision was easy. The hard part was finding the courage, and the heart, to go through with it.

He knew where to find her. After eliminating Sapphire's other haunts, he finally made his way up to the North Tower and pushed open the door. The cool evening air made the sweat on his face prickle. He'd climbed those stairs many times since he and Sapphire had become an item, but he didn't seem to have gotten any fitter. She was there, sitting near the edge, hunched over something he couldn't see. From behind, he could almost imagine she looked sad. She would be in a minute.

He pressed down the instinct to sneak up behind her, wrap her arms around her shoulders. He couldn't get emotional. Not if he wanted Sapphire to believe what he was about to tell her. It had to be harsh, cold, and quick - a combination sure to make her despite him for the rest of her life. "Sapph," he said, announcing his presence, "I gotta tell you summin."

 

[Sapphire Michaels]

Sapphire had just set her pen to the page when a familiar voice startled her. She let out a yell, stumbling off of the rail. She hit the stones and twirled quickly, one hand poised to punch and the other arm held in front of her for defense. Her heart both skipped a beat and stopped when she realized it was Mervyn. "Merv, you frigging loon," She scolded, whacking his chest and quickly stuffing the page in her pocket and out of sight. "Stop that, I ain't lookin' to deck anyone today." She joked lightly, giving him a smile and a quick kiss to the cheek. She leaned back against the rail, sticking her hands in her jacket pockets. "Anyway, you have good timing. I... I actually was wanting to talk to you, too." She ran a hand through her hair. Okay, deep breaths, She reassured herself. It was fine, right? She could tell him anything.

 

[Mervyn Strangewayes]

Mervyn took a step back, Sapphire's hand on his chest sending rockets of guilt through his chest. The kiss came so quickly and unexpectedly that he didn't have time to dodge it, which might have been just as well - he needed a few seconds to steel himself for what he was about to do. "Stop," he said, not wanting her to get started and distract him from what he had to say. He reminded himself he didn't care. Couldn't care. This wasn't about feelings. This was about putting as much distance between himself and Sapphire as possible. "I can't do this. I can't do this any more, Sapph. We have to split up." He couldn't even look at her as he did it. He couldn't look at her because he knew that if he saw the expression on her face, he would cry. "We're over."

 

[Sapphire Michaels]

Sapphire blinked at Mervyn's sudden words. She turned to look at him. "You look like something's buggin you, what...?" She started, but it was like he wasn't listening. He hurried on, and at his words, she felt ice run through her veins. Her smile faltered and it took her a moment to respond. "...what? Pfft, you're having a laugh," She bit her lip, shaking her head. What? No. That... was not an option. He... no. She'd never felt this way before. That couldn't happen. She snorted at the thought. "Come on then, what's actually on your mind?" She couldn't tell him... that. Not now. Not yet. Not until she knew that he was just joking. She eyed him, hiding her nervousness the best she could. She hoped he couldn't hear the beating of her heart.

 

[Mervyn Strangewayes]

Mervyn should have known Sapph would think he was joking. It was so wildly out of his character - yet he'd hoped that by delivering the blow hard enough, she wouldn't doubt he meant it. He winced as she asked him what was really going on. She wasn't stupid. She knew he wouldn't do this without a reason. But he couldn't explain; there was just too much at stake. One day, maybe he would find the courage to tell her. But not today. "Nuffin'," he said, taking a step back. "It's just us. It ain't workin'. You're too... needy." That was far from true - Sapph was one of the most independent girls Mervyn knew - but he knew the only way she'd let this drop was if he made her hate him. "I don't like you. I was just messin' around. So forget it, yeah?"

 

[Sapphire Michaels]

Sapphire was getting angry now, and she was sure it showed on her face. She took a deep breath, trying her hardest to keep her tongue in check. "That isn't true and you know it." She chastised him gently. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it, fine. I ain't goin' to nag you. But you know I've got your back." She stuck her hands in her pockets and leaned down a little, trying to catch his eye. "I ain't goin' nowhere, loony. Just get that through your thick head, yeah?" She gave him an encouraging smile, but something kept her from reaching out to touch him. Her heart ached in her chest. She wished he would just give in, accept what she was saying. He didn't have to be happy, but... anything was better than this. Even if he was sad, if he would just stop trying to get rid of her she could tell him. But he had to say it first.

 

[Mervyn Strangewayes]

Why wasn't Sapphire listening? Why wouldn't she accept that Mervyn didn't like her? The last thing he wanted to hear after doing something so cruel to her was that she still had his back. He didn't want her protection. He wanted her to hate him. "Stop it. You don't get it, do you?" he said, harnessing his frustration. "I don't want nuffin' to do wiv you. Just stay out of my life. Your aunt was right about you, I reckon. I was fine before I met you. Everyfin' was fine." Though he knew he was only lying to hurt her, part of him wished it were true. Blaming Sapphire for everything that was going wrong in his life would have been easy. Easier than admitting he had no control over it. "Leave. Me. Alone."

 

[Sapphire Michaels]

Sapphire's heart stopped as his words rang through her head. Your aunt was right. Her blood ran cold and she stiffened. It took her a moment before she realized she was shaking. He had cut her to the core. Her heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, tears filled her eyes. Before she really knew what she was doing, her trembling fists had clenched. Maybe it was instinct, or protection after being hurt so badly, but she started to turn only to come back swinging. Her fist connected with his jaw, and for half a second she stopped, shocked at what she had done. But then the pain washed over her and she knew she needed to move. Now. She spun on her heel, the paper fluttering from her pocket as she fled from the tower.

 

[Mervyn Strangewayes]

Mervyn barely had time to register the fist flying at him before it hit him square in the jaw. He stumbled backwards in shock, clutching his face. He expected her to deliver a second blow - thought he probably deserved it, was bracing himself in preparation for it - but all that hit him was the breeze she stirred up as she turned and ran. For a few moments he stood there numbly, his jaw throbbing and his ears ringing in the sudden silence. That was it. He'd just obliterated any chance they might have had of getting back together. He reminded himself that was fine. That was what he wanted. Yet the hole in his chest suggested that was a big fat lie.

Something had fallen out of her pocket. A scrap of paper. Mervyn stared at it for a few seconds, as if afraid it might burn him. Then he bent down and picked it up. He briefly thought he should chase after her, give it back without looking at it, but then he realised he had no reason to do the right thing; she already hated him. Unfolding the scrap, he read:

I've always been a cynic
Never believed in anything
But this might be the beginning
Of something to believe in

He had to read it twice before he realised they were song lyrics. There were other lines and words on the page, but most of them were scribbled out. Mervyn could just see the word 'love'. Suddenly he couldn't see anything, or at least not clearly, because his eyes were flooded with tears. Why was he crying? Was it guilt? Regret? Or was it the fact nobody had ever told him they loved him?

He screwed up the piece of paper and threw it over the railing, watching as it made an arc in the air before disappearing gracefully into the darkness below. He couldn't cope with this. Not now. He had to be stronger, tougher. It was for the best. Sapphire deserved somebody who wouldn't break her heart out of cowardice. Someone who loved her so much they were willing to show her their vulnerabilities. Right now, that wasn't Mervyn.

But Merlin, it still hurt.