Is this even possible?

[Katalina Harker]

The end of the year was fast approaching and of course that meant one thing...graduation. With the last few weeks of school drawing to a close Kat could feel the agony of having to say goodbye once more encroaching upon her. Last year had been bad enough what with having to say goodbye to Cyndi and Bruin, but now it seemed like three more very dear people in her life were leaving her behind as well. Saying her goodbyes to Lily, Rhyspa, and Kiera seemed like it would finally be the breaking point in what already seemed to be a very fragile time. Put on top of that having to help her roommate plan a 'real' wedding...a wedding that she knew the one person she loved most in the world would also be attending. She'd heard through the grapevine that Chace would be there with Kiera's sister, Katheryn, and she knew that would probably be the hardest day she'd have to face in the coming months.

So much had changed this year. Some things for the better, but for Kat it seemed that overall life had just gotten worse. She could feel herself slipping into some sort of depressive state and what was bad was that she had no clue as to how she could possibly pull herself out of it. Over and over and over again she had fought with the notion of just simply not returning next year. It seemed that staying home and finishing up her education there would be so much easier...but as she gave more thought to it that would be the cowards way out and she may be a lot of things, but a coward wasn't one of them. After all she was a Gryffindor so her final decision was to stay and essentially just hope for the best.

With so much on her mind Kat had to do the one thing that always helped to clear her mind. Pulling on her old sweats she headed down and out of the castle with only one goal in mind...running. After several laps around the lake she finally ended up at the edge of the cliffs. She could always count on this one particular landscape to take her breath away. Perching herself on the ledge she leaned back on her hands and just looked out over the horizon. After a moment or two she had a notion to do something really stupid so she took a deep breath in and let out the loudest scream she possibly could. Stupid and pointless as it might have been she oddly felt relieved. Sighing heavily she said aloud, "From this point on...everything is going to be different."

 

[Andromeda Fiorelli]

Andromeda rose early as she always did and looking about the room in the dim morning light noticed that most everyone was in bed but for Kat. True to form though her bed was still unmade which brought a smile from her best friend. Both had been so busy of late that they had very little time for one another but that never detracted from how close they actually were. Attempting to go back to sleep she knew it was an impossible feat so slowly got up did a few stretches and threw on her running gear. She hastily dressed her own bed before setting out, always heading directly to the pitch and doing some more warm ups there before applying herself to some vigorous laps. As the weeks to the graduation drew closer she had unintentionally drawn back from Crispin. She knew he had said they wouldn't break up and that he wanted her to share his place whenever she could and that had set up completely. Thrilled beyond words that he wanted that from her but always at the back of her mind the irrational thoughts persisted. History always repeated itself and here she was another year dating a 7th year and knowing that soon he would be leaving her. The difference this time around was that unlike Bruin, Crispin wasn't breaking up with her for her own good. Her feet pounded the cold hard ground and her breath expelled in giant plumes of smoke as she picked up her pace.

There was another reason she was pushing herself so hard and had not wanted to talk with any of her friends, it was all still whirring around in her head. She finally stopped running and after a few stretches she left the pitch and not wanting to head directly back to the school jogged lightly down towards the cliffs. Needing serious time to think about the last few letters she had received from her mother and from Esmerelda. So much to think about and with studying for her owls on top of it all she thought her brain would explode. As she slowed down and began to walk along the cliff she smiled. There was Kat, how strange that whenever she needed someone to brainstorm with, to seriously talk to she always managed to show up but by equal stature Andy knew that it usually also meant that Kat needed her as well. Hearing the prophetic words that Kat uttered she walked up beside her and stood looking out over the vast precipice.
"Truer words have never been spoken" she turned and smiled at Kat, her heart heavy still convinced she would lose the one person she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and still with the most momentous decision she had to make in her school life.
"What's up Kat?"

 

[Katalina Harker]

Kat smiled as she heard a familiar voice behind her. Looking up she saw her best friend. "Life Andy. Just life," she said in response to the question directed at her. Even after all the time that they had known each other it still amazed Kat how Andy showed up just in the nick of time...like they had some sort of radar on each others emotions or something. "You're up early. What's on your mind," she asked, knowing full and well that Andy would have a lot on her mind...especially with graduation coming up so soon. Kat felt sure that her best friend had to have some reservations about Crispin graduating.

 

[Andromeda Fiorelli]

Andromeda chuckled lightly as she stuffed her hands into the pockets of her hoodie.
"In all the years you've known me I think I've gotten up twice later than seven o'clock. I needed a run is all" she shrugged, sighing as she glanced sideways at Kat, "Come on, you can do better than 'life' there's no need to be so enigmatic with me remember? What's up?"
Her foot scuffed the ground, kicking a few stones off the ledge and remembering as she did so when Crispin had thought she was going to accidentally run over it. As if she had been running too fast. She could almost feel his arms about her even now, always protecting her even when he wasn't around. For some daft reason her eyes chose that moment to fill with tears but she pushed them back as she cast her gaze out across the view before them. If she kept leaving him to his own devices with excuses of having to study for her OWLs and the final quidditch game then he'd find solace somewhere else surely, so many thoughts clashed together in her mind. She was pushing him away to keep herself from getting hurt, she always did it. Ever since her father had died she had started doing it, goodbyes, farewells, people leaving her in any form was unbearable but they always did. How far would she push him before he had enough and left her? Everyone always presumed she had it so together, had it all sewn up neatly but she was as messed up as the next teenager.

 

[Katalina Harker]

"Oh yeah...I forgot that I'm normally the lazy arse that sleeps in," Kat said chuckling slightly. When her friend told her she could do better than the answer of 'life' Kat grimaced. She had only told one other person about what had come to pass between herself and Chace, but that one moment was what consumed her near constantly. It kept replaying in her mind over and over like some sad song that you just can't get out of your head. Looking out across the vastness past the cliffs edge Kat spoke slowly, almost like she was having to remind herself that it had all really happened. "You know I never told you this, but...I told him. I told him that I loved him, that I was in love with him and do you know what he did? He just stood there and watched me walk away. Not one word from him...he just let me go." Pain filled her once more as it always did when she thought about it, but now no tears came. The tears didn't come quite as frequently anymore, maybe because Kat realized the finality of it all. She wasn't meant to find love. She'd had it once, though not to the magnitude she felt for the Slytherin, but still she'd had it and so easily she'd let it slip through her fingers like sand.

Looking to Andy she said, "That's what's up. The same scenario playing in my head all the time. And that...well that's life. Now, care to tell me about yours? Haven't had much of a chance to catch up with you lately."

 

[Andromeda Fiorelli]

Andy hated to see her friend so torn, so resigned to whatever fate life had thrown at her at that moment. She frowned slightly trying to picture the scenario that Kat described wondering how many shades of 'fool' Chace Harker really was but she knew it wasn't all his fault. She loved her best friend dearly but so much had happened between herself and Chace that it was bound to leave the guy feeling numb and confused. Andy liked him, he was a nice guy. A great kisser too but she wasn't going to say that out loud now. It had been a bit of a shock to discover that Kat harbored feelings for the Slytherin again especially after Sumner but she wasn't really surprised. Sumner had never been in Andy's view the right guy for Kat, perfect for Lily who was well able to handle him but just not right for Kat. So Chace had walked away, she didn't know what to say. She hoped they would both eventually find what it was they were both looking for and if it wasn't to be with one another then she seriously hoped that they could both move on and fast. It would seem as if Chace was already at that point though. She reached across and gave Kat's arm a gentle rub.
"If you love someone let them go, if they truly love you then they'll come back. If they don't then they were never yours to begin with" she didn't know why the muggle saying popped into her head and out of her mouth and frowned because of it.

A soft chuckle escaped her then, what was happening in her life? It was the most beautiful uneventful phase of her existence so far. Uneventful because there was no drama, no arguing, no crap at all just her and Crispin deeply in love. And then there was her putting a spanner in the works with her insecurities. Kat had enough issues without hearing about Andy's.
"Graduation is just around the corner again" Kiera would be leaving them this time, last year it had been Cyndi and next year it would be Kat and she would be on her own. The dorm 4 girls would be no more. She of course had Zazuka and Brian, Violet and Ruki but next year would be just as devastating as this. Aries and Fenton would be leaving her as well. But remembering her letters she knew she had the opportunity to change that, so that they wouldn't be the ones to leave her but she would be leaving them. Her hands went deeper into her pockets, "why can't things just stay the way they are? why is change necessary?"

 

[Katalina Harker]

The old muggle saying rolled off Andy's tongue and for some reason it broke Kat's heart to hear it. She knew she needed to face the fact that she and Chace just weren't meant to be...the time never had and now, it seemed, never would be right for them. Still, for some reason the thought of letting him go seemed almost unbearable and damned near impossible, but maybe, just maybe one day she'd be able to completely.

"Graduation is just around the corner again. Kiera will be gone and then it's just the two of us. We should paint our dorm room or something...be the stars of our own show. The Kat and Andy show," she said smiling, nudging her best friend with her elbow. "What are Crispin's plans for after graduation," she inquired, wondering what plans the two of them had made together and if, like the rest of her friends, Andy too would be taking the next step in her romantic relationship and maybe get engaged as well. Thinking for a moment on the next question Kat sighed heavily. "I hate change. I'm seriously considering totally flubbing up on my NEWTs just so I can stay here for another year...then the two of us can stay together for another year. You think that sounds like a plan?"

 

[Andromeda Fiorelli]

Andy blew a plume of smoke out watching it unfurl before shivering slightly, her hands could go no deeper into her pockets but it wouldn't be for lack of trying that was for sure.
"Don't remind me please. Down to two huh?" she sighed letting Kat speak again but not having the heart to answer anything regarding Crispin and his plans. The truth was she didn't know what his plans were, he had gotten himself a place near Brightstone so they could spend weekends together and she was already sorting a bag of her things out to leave there but other than that, she had not a clue what her own boyfriend was planning on doing with the rest of his life. Kat's plan to mess up at her NEWTs was funny but it sparked something in Andy. She still hadn't come to a decision and thought by bringing it up with Kat, she may be able to help her out.

"That two thing... might actually turn into a one thing Kat" she glanced at her best friend before sidling up to her and linking her arm, "It's cold so shut up".
She attempted to chuckle but knew she was stalling again.
"I got a few letters the other day. Esmerelda is moving back to England. She's getting old and is ... sick. She's convinced herself that she hasn't long left to live and wants to die back in the mother land" Andy felt her throat constrict wondering what Harrison, Aries and Fenton would do without the woman in their lives every vacation. They wouldn't surely all head to England would they?
"My mother is also moving back to Ireland. There's a bit hullabaloo at the moment between herself and Martha because mom wants her children to be with her while Martha wants Luthor at least to stay with her. He's most like his father I guess but she can't seriously believe my mom will just leave her son behind. He's only like four" another sigh as she scuffed her foot on the ground, "Anyway, I don't want Esmerelda to be alone and I can't expect Crispin to put him up at vacation times at his place. I have to decide Kat, whether I'm coming back here or whether I should go to Hogwarts in Scotland as I was supposed to originally or go to Beauxbatons academy. Esmerelda has gotten me brochures on both schools just in case to peruse at my leisure but I need to let her know before exams start".
She cast a glance at Kat, "what do you think?"

 

[Katalina Harker]

When Andy said that the two thing might turn into a one thing Kat's heart leapt into her throat. She didn't like the sound of that. Not saying a word she listened intently at what her best friend was saying. Swallowing back the lump in her throat a few tears streamed down Kat's cheeks. So it seemed that she might be alone after all. Part of her wanted to scream and rant and throw a hissy fit saying that she absolutely forbid the idea of it, but the other part of her, the grown up part, wanted her to tell Andy that whatever she happened to decide that she'd be behind her one hundred percent.

They stood there silent for what seemed like an eternity, Kat letting every bit of it sink in before giving an answer. "Andy," she started, her voice noticeably cracking, "If...if it's something that you feel like you need to do then...then I support your decision. Whatever you decide to do then I'll be behind you." A few more tears trailed down her cheek and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. She looked at Andy and felt her heart break. Kat had several close friends, but the one standing beside her was her the best they came. Andy was the only one who could talk sense into Kat when most others couldn't and vice versa. They had some sort of strange connection that most people wouldn't or couldn't understand and through thick and thin they'd always been there for each other.

Heavy sobs came from her chest and she tried to control her emotions, but the thought of losing her best friend seemed just too much to bear. "It's going to suck, but you need to do what's best for you and for your family...but Andy I don't want you to go."

 

[Andromeda Fiorelli]

She had been battling the decision for a while now, another reason she had stayed away from Crispin for so long. How could she tell him that her family were all moving back to Europe and that they wanted her with them? The problem with it all was as much as she loved her family and here she included Esmerelda, her heart belonged firmly entrenched in the soil of Hogwarts, with the strange boy with the mismatched eyes, to the temperamental bodacious funny girl beside her, to the dreamy empathic psychic and with all the other things and people that held her together here. She had found a home here when she could no longer return to Gourt, she had found a save haven her sanctuary where she was not condemned or ridiculed for the beast she was. She had found true love and true friendship and it was all too hard to let go. Kat's tears were not helping any either.

Andy looked at her and swatted her hand, her own eyes filling up and pouring out.
"That's not helping you know" she tried to smile but couldn't as she along with her best friend fell apart, "That's the thing though isn't it Kat, I never do what's best for me. Up until now my decision was basing itself on my family and how they need me. I don't want to go either."
Another wave of tears fell as she leaned her head on Kat's shoulder, a rock and a hard place that was where she found herself. Knowing now that she would have to speak with Crispin, if anyone could help her decide he would but she knew already what would happen there. She would take one look into his beautiful face and not care what family she had left in the world, he was the only family she wanted.

 

[Katalina Harker]

"You know you have family that needs you here too Andy. I know I'm not much to look at and I know that I'm crabby and a pain in the ass about ninety percent of the time, but I need you. Of course I suppose that's being selfish on my part isn't it," Kat asked her best friend, wiping her free hand across her now tear stained face. She tried to imagine what her life would be like next year without Andy at school, but even as she came close to trying to fully picture it she just couldn't let herself...it was just too damned unbearable to even think about just yet.

She was just about to say something else when a school owl landed on a boulder beside her with a letter addressed to her. "Who the..." she trailed off as she picked up the letter and opened it. "Ugh not another one," Kat said as she read over it, noticing the handwriting as being the same from the letter she'd gotten on her birthday.

Katalina,

The next year is all too close, isn't it? It fills my heart with joy to know that you will be at this school one more year. I hope you liked the charm I gave you. I felt such a token was fitting for a girl as charming as you.

As for right now I am too shy to express my feelings in person, so these letters will have to do. This is no practical joke. I am no sick cretin looking for a few laughs (unless you count the fact that I am sick with love.)

Maybe one day I will gather the guts to show myself.

Until then,
Your Secret Admirer

After reading it over a few times Kat stuck her hand into the envelope and pulled out a daisy charm. "Great...another one," she said shaking her head.