Closed When You're Gone

Rowan Baros

Rowan Baros

baby girl
 
Messages
1,003
OOC First Name
Teigs
Blood Status
Pure Blood
Relationship Status
In an Open Relationship
Wand
Straight 12 1/2 Inch Rigid Cherry Wand with Vampire Blood Core
Age
7/2035
Rowan had just gotten out of Care of Magical Creatures class and she'd been waiting all day to corner Elio when he would least expect it. Strangely, she felt like they were much more comfortable around each other than they had ever been before, which was strange given his confession to her not all that long ago. Still, she wasn't about to question it, since they were on the same path, it worked for her. She'd noticed he'd been acting a bit weird though, this morning had been the worst case as he'd been blushing and she was absolutely convinced she'd seen him quickly turn his head from somewhere, but she wasn't exactly sure who. It was a bit vague and he hadn't spoken to her about it yet, whatever it was, so she was opening the dialogue herself. She wasn't about to be fussing about with this nonsense, he would just have to tell her or face the consequences, whatever those would be should be decided upon knowledge of the infraction. But if he told her, he wouldn't have to be punished for it, even if she was a bit put out by not having a conversation with him. She was sure she had something of an idea, given the last few days, but she wanted details. Didn't everyone? She grabbed his hand as he followed her out and pulled him away from the crowd, closer towards the greenhouses, but not close enough to be over heard. "Alright, El, out with it." She said, crossing her arms patiently. She wasn't going to wait around for him to come to her, clearly she had to push it out of him. "You gonna conversate with me or we sitting here until dark?" She asked, sitting immediately in front of him and laying back in the grass to look up at the sun. She wondered if she would go more brown or red. It had been a while since she'd gotten a tan.​
 
Elio hadn’t realised that when his cheeks went bright red at the mention of a certain Hufflepuff that Rowan had caught on. Later on in the lesson he’d pulled the hood of his jumper over his head, instinctively hiding himself a little as he tried to get through the class. The prefect wasn’t sure how Rowan would take the news about Marco, and honestly his thoughts about his relationships were all over the place that it wasn’t as though Elio could explain it sufficiently to himself yet. He knew how he felt about things, and he knew what he wanted, but that didn’t mean every other party would be as accepting about it. ​

The fifth year felt a hand in his and he followed Rowan away from the rest of the group, blissfully unaware that she even had an inkling of an idea as to what was going on. It wasn’t that Elio intended to keep it as a secret, but he wanted to make sure that things with the blonde were understood before he began jumping into new topics that may not have been taken the right way. He turned as she spoke, for a moment feeling like a deer in the headlights. She’d seen something. Maybe it wasn’t today, maybe it was an accumulation of events and she’d pieced it together but there was definitely something. He watched as she lay on the ground, hands disappearing into his own pockets as he searched for the words to explain. “You.. know about him?” Elio wasn’t really sure where to begin so maybe confirmation they were even talking about the same thing was a good start. “Marco?”​
 
Rowan opened an eye to look up at Elio. Why did he look guilty, did he look guilty? Was that a guilty face? She was hard pressed to really tell with the sun in her eyes. She lifted her arms and made a grabbing motion at him. "Would you get your butt down here, oh my god, I can't look at your face with the sun in my eyes yanno." She told him rolling her eyes. And she liked looking at his face, she loved him of course she did. "I'll know more if you just tell me, instead of having to piece it all together from like," she waved her hand between them in a gesture of 'you know, stuff' before she dropped her hand to her stomach in a more relaxed position. "You know you can always talk to me about anything right? I love you, that won't ever change. I always want to hear about your life. How else am I gonna know who I need to beat up if you get hurt if you don't tell me what's up, huh?" She asked him, though whenever she thought about him with someone else, there was a slight twinge. She was sure it would go away with time, because she was happy with things how they were for now. She wouldn't want it to be any other way. Elio was her soulmate and that was that. "So, what happened?" She really just wanted to hear it from him, rather than the speculation of the thing or the secret catching or glances.​
 
Oh right, Elio quickly bolted into action, gently letting his bag fall to the grass, careful that his camera didn’t get damaged inside as it hit the earth before taking a seat beside Rowan, one knee bent to allow his arm to rent on top of it. He knew he was going to have to tell her, it was always better for both of them anyway and even if he didn’t know the right way to say it as least they could work that out. Besides if he didn’t she’d probably just pry it out of him anyway. He gave half a chuckle at the prospect of her beating someone up although in all seriousness he didn’t doubt it after what had happened with Vegeta. “Alright well,” he began, “I like Marco, I have done since.. I don’t know, the beginning the of last year?” It was a good estimate as any, and his interest had just grown since then. “We’ve been on a few dates here and there, but that’s been trips around Brightstone really. We only made things official right before we started talking again,” he looked across to Rowan to try and gauge her reaction at the idea that Elio really had a boyfriend right now. “It’s different with him though. He’s, really cute, and we do have a lot of fun, but after everything that’s happened and what I’ve realised in the last few days,” he trailed off with a little shrug, fingers running along the green strands and picking them relentlessly at their root. “I don’t know what it means.” Things had taken a turn recently that had scooped Elio off his feet, and while Rowan said she wanted to hear about everything in his life, the prefect just had to trust her that she really meant it.​
 
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Rowan was always happiest with Elio by her side, so when he sat beside her, (she was mildly offended by that) she immediately moved her hand to tug on his arm a little. She could tell that he was nervous about whatever it is he had to say and though she already had some thoughts about it, she had to assume things were confusing for him right now, given their latest revelations to each other. Still, she wasn't about to just let him sit on this, if that was what he was trying to do, and she sincerely hoped that wasn't the case. She wanted Elio to be happy however that worked for him and if that meant Marco, then she would never stand in the way of it. She'd made the mistake of telling him how much it would hurt, but she would block all of that, this was better and though she would always be truthful if he asked her directly, if she hid it all well enough, he never would. Besides, he still loved her and she bet he always would, she didn't mind so much it was all emotional, that was the best part of her best friend really, apart from his annoyingly cute face that was. "Beginning of last year, sounds about right." It wasn't long around that time they'd started to develop a friendship. Looking back, it was crazy how far they'd come so fast, from those fateful lessons in Divination and Astronomy to this. What a story. She did find it curious that he described the dates in such a mundane kind of way as, many of the things she had done with Elio had a lot more thought put into them, and she was only supposed to be his best friend at the time. She kept watching him as he spoke, seeing the little glances he threw her way almost as if he was worried she wasn't going to react well. She'd been prepared for this though and with Elio being gay and all, this was unavoidable, best she could do was support him however he needed and right now that was to see nothing but acceptance on her face, which is what she gave him. "He is cute," she agreed, since she could do that as an unbiased third party... at least she was more unbiased than Elio. Rowan took a moment to think about what he'd said, and the confusion made a lot of sense, after all, she was also confused. She had no doubt she would be confused for the rest of her life, but that wasn't going to stop her helping Elio however she could. "Hm," she watched as he continued to pick at the grass, so he was clearly stressing over it a little. "To be honest, I don't really know," She said, running her tongue over her braces with a little sigh. "This is confusing, might well be confusing for ever, or we'll learn how to figure it out, or maybe it will change, we don't know, we're kind of just drifting... trying to figure out, you know, like, life and stuff." She said, her sagely wisdom diminishing as she spoke. "You like Marco, yeah?" She asked, turning to look at him and pulling her hair down around her face. "What's stopping you from continuing? Most people have multiple partners in their life time and... well if it doesn't work out with Marco there's going to absolutely be someone else for you." She said, grinning. "Your cute face? Obviously."​
 
As Elio was speaking, he felt the tug on his arm and his hand naturally moved to find Rowans, entwining their fingers. Even to his friends he’d always been relaxed and reassured by affection so it was easy and comfortable when she reached out to him, and he listened as his best friend relayed her thoughts. He knew it was going to be even trickier from Rowans perspective to figure out, so he wouldn’t have blamed her at all if it wasn’t something she knew how to process right away, but the confidence in her eyes told another story and it wasn’t long before Elio was feeling surprisingly relieved. He smiled when she agreed about Marco, glad he at least seemed to have her “approval” as it were, but as she spoke about their lives being confusing, Elio certainly hoped that wouldn’t be the case. Of course they would always have one another but that shouldn’t have stopped either of them exploring other avenues, even though it was something he knew he was going to have to get his head around. “It’s not that I don’t want to continue with him,” he started, a little taken back by the fact that he was already fighting issues in his head and they’d only been a couple for less than a fortnight. Elio grinned at her last comment, “Oh shut up,” it was heart warming though, no one had ever called him cute before. “It’s just, I’m trying to understand it.” He pulled his hood even further forward, his head tilted down a little to hide the confusion on his face, “I just didn’t see this coming. I don’t know whether to just go with what feels right, when more people could get hurt. I don’t know how Marco is going to take us” It was strange to say the word us in context to the pair of lions, “Okay, I don’t even know if there is an us, not like that anyway.” Elio looked back up to Rowan, trying his best to get out what was on his mind. “There’s things I want to do with you. I want to show you places and explore with you. When you’re not around it’s like, half of me is missing and I’m the one that’s drifting. I need you to be happy, whatever that takes, and even now as I’m saying this I know I should be saying these things about him, right? If I’m in a relationship then it should be with someone I love and can support. It’s the least they deserve” Surely that made sense? He removed his glasses, rubbing at his eyes with his palm for a moment. “I enjoy the time with Marco, and when we hang out it’s like, butterflies you know? It’s exciting to be around him” Once again knowing that this was probably difficult for Rowan to hear but he had to try. “I like spending time with him when I can, but then when something comes to mind like going to see the bloody moon for gods sake! Marco doesn’t even come into my head.” His instincts had always pushed him towards Rowan, and it was her that he looked forward to experiencing things with. Elio found himself sat on many occasions daydreaming off into his own world, imagining all the things he wanted to do for her. For the longest time he thought that that was just the role as best friend, but after spending so many months in physical pain because Rowan wasn’t there, it had hit him that it wasn’t that simple. “I thought I knew myself. I spent a year trying to get with Marco and now, all I feel is guilty towards him.” He was looking down at her hand now. It was like he was being pulled in two separate directions and somewhere along the line, something was going to have to give. Elio let go of Ro’s hand, moving his bag out the way and lying down fully on his back against her side with his head perfectly in line with hers a very short distant away. The teen turned his head to look straight into her eyes, not searching hers for anything so much as being able to trust her, as though she was looking directly through him, his glasses dropped on top of his back pack as they weren’t needed and all he wanted to see was Rowan anyway. “Don’t get me wrong, he is..hot” The Gryffindor pulled an assured face and with one hand raised an “ok” sign with his fingers, stomach flipping at the thought of them outside the Great Hall, before his expressions turned into a toothy grin. After a few seconds though he relaxed back to natural, pausing for a moment before speaking, “He’s not the one I’m in love with though.” ​
 
Elio's hand in hers was as natural as green grass. There was nothing in her mind that would ever cause her to want to be away from Elio in any capacity, unless for some reason she thought she would hurt him in some way. She held his hand close to her chest as he spoke, more comfortable with him than she ever was with herself, which was strange as she'd always been a very confident person. Apparently just not so much where her best friend was concerned. She watched him as he tried to struggle through what he was saying, hoping her presence was enough support to get him through what he was really struggling with. It was hard, hard to grasp the complete depths of feeling he had for her and hard to grasp how this could be hard for him, though she knew it was. After all, she was under no illusions of who he was, nor was he, and yet this had come as a surprise to both of them, which wasn't so strange for her, but for him? It was difficult to explain, she knew. She watched him pull his hood down, hiding his face, but she kept a steadfast hold on his hand, not willing to let him slip away. She always wanted to support Elio as much as she could and whilst it was hard to listen to him talking about someone else, it was also... kind of nice to know that she was on his mind all the time. She didn't want that to hinder him, but she couldn't deny the thrill that went through her at the knowledge. So maybe she was a bit jealous of Marco and whoever else Elio would spend time with, but that was a natural reaction when you loved someone. It wasn't like she was going to stop him, though she thought she probably could if she really wanted to, there was a reason she didn't do photography anymore. He looked back at her and she gave him a light smile, because really, it hurt to know he was so confused about them, about Marco and about their wider relationship in general. They knew they both had boundaries, though Rowan wasn't actually sure if she did have any where Elio was concerned, but she certainly didn't want him agonising over things. She wanted him to be happy as he rightly deserved and seeing him like this hurt her a little bit. She didn't want him to think that he couldn't have a relationship, a proper one, because of her and though she had already resigned herself to the likely role of single-until-dead (not that she'd said anything to him about it) that didn't mean he had to follow the same fate. He let go of her hand, and she missed him until he laid down beside her and looked her in the eye. She chuckled lightly when he mentioned Marco being hot before the smile faded again at the mention of being in love with her.​

Whenever he said it, something in Rowan soared, like they were the only words she would ever need to hear in her life. Their relationship was probably the most complicated thing in existence, and, being together was impossible and despite knowing that they were so deeply connected to each other, for Elio, it was wholly emotional. And whilst Rowan's connection to Elio was slightly different, it was no less emotional and all the things he said about her, she could just as easily reverse and he would be describing her feelings for him. She never bothered taking the time to just be in the moment with people, usually too preoccupied to plan ahead, but with Elio, she always wanted there to be something better, she wanted him to be happy and to believe in and trust her implicitly. She wanted him to always be able to come to her for anything no matter what, no matter if it was trivial or huge. She reached out with one of her hands and ran her thumb across his cheek for a moment as she thought about what the best words were, the right words. She couldn't allow him to be second guessing himself for her benefit and she didn't want him to worry about her getting hurt, that was a non-factor, because it was always going to happen no matter what. That was okay, because it would be the kind of pain that he could sooth just as easily by talking to her and that was enough for her. "Elio," she started, smiling at him. "My brave lion," she hoped he didn't mind her calling him hers, because it just felt right, even if he would be someone else's too. Just as she would always be Elio's girl for however long he wanted her. "You just have to go with the flow, and... even if someone gets hurt, you need to do what feels best for you." She said, moving her hand from his face and looking up at the sun a little. "You shouldn't worry about other people's feelings when it comes to what you want and need in a relationship and... even with the us factor," she looked at him pointedly. "And there absolutely is an us, so excuse you," she looked back up at the sun. "You can't let my feelings or anyone else's get in the way... don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for you if this is what you want, one hundred percent, but, there's always going to be a selfish jealousy in me I think, but... I'd never compete for you or force you in any direction..." she trailed off, really was going to have to work hard on that one. "Think of me as a built in ideas board, anything you ever need to bounce things off, thoughts, feelings, emotions, I'll be that for you, whatever you want, because I love you and I just want you to do what makes you happy," she looked back over at him and turned on her side slightly with her arm rested under her head and a hand between them on the grass. "If that's Marco, then it's Marco and no one else should get a say... except Marco... probably." She would beat him up if he hurt her boy though.​
 
As Rowan lay her hand on Elio’s cheek, he smiled a little and kept quiet having just given her a lot of information all at once to think about. He hated the idea that Rowan would be hurt by things he did, and a part of him wanted to protect her from that. His smile turned until a light laugh when she mentioned they were something a mixture of delight and another wave of guilt that it was because of him that she was going to struggle at times. Hearing that Rowan was always going to be jealous though brought him back to reality and he let out a long sigh, turning his head to look up at the sky. “Yeah,” He trusted she’d never make him feel cornered on purpose, but he couldn’t help but think that those feelings of jealously were always going to be there as long as they were in this situation, and maybe Elios instinctive thought to at least be subtle about his partners was definitely going to be taken on board. “Is this really what you want?” He found himself asking. He had to be sure that Rowan knew what she was putting herself through. He had no doubt she’d considered the implications but the reality of it might be much more of a strain. He smiled sadly still looking at the sky, “Marco doesn’t know yet,” he added quietly. That was going to be a fun conversation. Would he even be able to let Marco stay in a relationship if Elio knew he wasn’t able to love him as he knew he should? Would he be able to love anyone he was in a relationship with? It wasn’t that Elio wished things were different, but he did wish he knew what to do. “I don’t want to drag him through something if it’s just going to end up with him getting hurt.” It was also early days though, and who knows how anyone’s feelings were going to change over the coming months. ​
 
“Is this really what you want?”

The words were so clear and yet it was like she wasn't understanding them at all. Of course Elio would be worried about her welfare, he loved her, but he should be concerned more for himself, she thought, than worrying about her. She did agree there was an us, though she could not for the life of her define such a thing, unsure as she was what a label would even look like for them. Best friend didn't seem to fit anymore, but they weren't a couple, for many reasons, so that didn't fit either. She supposed they didn't need a label really, certainly not between them since they knew how they felt to each other, but, to others? Something that would make sense? She had previously thought about the words companion, or even partner, but neither seemed to have the right nuance of expression she needed. Nor did they allow for extra definition. It was as though what they had was never thought of in any instance. For a brief moment the word Lover, entered her brain, but only in the emotional sense as their relationship was certainly not physical in that way, but beyond that, she didn't want people to get the wrong idea either, so for the moment, she supposed, best friend was it. Elio, was her spark, the thing in her life that lit her up and helped her see in the dark and she knew he always would be. "Elio, we've talked about this... literally a second ago I told you not to worry about what I want, or what I don't want. It's not about me," she said, trying to reassure him, though she had a terrible feeling she wasn't doing it very well. She would have to work on that. "You're... a Bright Spark, my Bright Spark. I love you so very much and I will always have you in my life... I hope," she said, inching closer, she moved his arm so she could lay her head on his chest and wrapped his arm around her. "But, you need to think about you, Elio, what it is that you want. I'll be happy just to have you in my life, as my closest and most beloved friend. My Brave Lion, My Bright Spark, My Best Friend." She tapped him softly on the chest. "If you want to be with Marco, give it a go. It's still early days, right? You can't know what's going to happen, maybe you'll fall in love with him and out of love with me, it's not that simple of course, but it does happen. Some people can be married for decades and suddenly wake up and realise they don't love each other anymore. Maybe I'll wake up and it'll be me who doesn't love you anymore," she doubted it, she was almost completely confident she would never love another as she loved Elio, but she wasn't one hundred percent sure. "Besides, I can't give you everything, Marco could. You owe it to yourself to experience it all."​
 
Elio knew where Rowan was coming from, but that didn’t mean he had to agree. “I’m never going to not worry about what you want.” It didn’t matter how many times she said it or tried to show that he should be focusing on himself, she was the one that made him happiest of all, and it didn’t matter where else he was or who else he was with if Rowan wasn’t happy too. As his arm was moved over her, he draped it across her waist as his other hand found her hair, playing with the blonde strands. Elio wondered whether Rowan realised exactly what she meant to him, to be able to say that Marco could give him everything when she couldn’t. The fifth year wanted to experience things of course, but there was still a key detail she was overlooking. “No, he couldn’t.” He said quietly, still stroking her hair. “And I don’t want him to. You say that as though this is temporary, that if I find the right person that can complete every part of my life then they will replace you.” Elio wasn’t sure what he had to do to convince her that there was more to it than just going with the flow, that he couldn’t just cast her aside when he felt like it and be expected not to worry about her. “You’re right, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe one day yeah we could fall out of love, but that’s not going to be because I got distracted by someone. You’re my priority Ro,” She always had been even before he realised it. It was her that he’d wanted by her side more than anything else last year.
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The teen was conscious of how much he was moving as he breathed, “I know you don’t want me to apologise, but hear me out. When we were at the cliffs I said some things that I can’t take back. You said you wanted to find out who you are with me and I.. I f***ing threw that back at you. I keep thinking back about what you said, and I am so sorry for being such a dumbass.” Elio still felt guilty for turning that particular conversation back to himself. She’d just poured her heart out about what she wanted and all Elio had done was get annoyed that they were on different pages. If only he’d realised sooner, maybe he wouldn’t need to convince her now that he had his eyes open. Elio was looking up into the sky, “How would you feel in a relationship?” He asked, genuinely curious to see whether they had similar feelings on the matter. If he couldn’t give everything to Marco, then what was he doing? “Marco nor anyone else can complete me because I can’t give myself to them. I see you both, and.. I’m always gonna choose you.”​
 
Rowan didn’t want Elio to give up something because he was worried about her, but she had to admit, knowing he was always going to think about her she felt was kind of nice. She knew she shouldn’t be upset by this sort of thing, but after everything between them and how often they’d misread each other, she was honestly terrified she’d say or do something wrong and they’d fight again. She didn’t like fighting with Elio. Even though she knew she needed him and wanted him in her life, she wasn’t always great at expressing herself the way she wanted, that much had been made clear to her a while ago. From her inability to even look at her camera, to finding herself resistant to tell Elio about how she really felt about them without saying the wrong thing, it was pretty clear to her that she didn’t want him out of her life, just close to her always. “I know,” he would always worry, and she wished she could change that for him. It wasn’t fair to him. He hadn’t asked her to confess her feelings, and she wondered that if she never had, would he have discovered his own feelings? She knew it wasn’t fair to wish he hadn’t discovered it, because he’d probably loved her just as long, if not a little less, but she knew how he had felt about Marco, she couldn’t or didn’t want to, believe that they could disappear so quickly. As he was playing with her hair, she closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation as she always had. Physical affection with Elio was always easy and though they’d never spoken aloud about their boundaries and probably never would, she knew there was an unspoken point at which they’d stop, because out of respect for themselves and each other, they'd never cross that line. "I... I don't think it's temporary, I don't believe that you would just... stop loving me really," she started, trying to think about how best to word her thoughts. "I don't think I would be comfortable in a relationship with someone else... or anyone, really, somehow I almost think that was why you were an option in my head, my heart... because somewhere deep down I always knew I would be safe with you."​
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It was hard, thinking about this, knowing that he was basically relying on her to know herself enough to articulate the issues to him. She wanted him to be happy, so desperately, and she just wasn't convinced he could ever be truly happy with her. She'd been learning more and more about herself as the weeks wore on, more about her relationship with Elio and what it meant to her, but she didn't know how far on the path her fellow lion was yet. "It's not your fault, Elio, I should have been more sensitive to the situation and how you would feel," she admitted, closing her eyes and sighing. Sometimes she just didn't know what the right words were. "I just, don't want to be the reason that you don't get something you want... I don't want you to end up hating me for something that... that I can't change."​
 
As Rowan told him what she thought being in a relationship with someone else would be like, he tried to apply it to himself. Elio's hold around her waist tightened a little out of affection, glad that she thought so. He would have been the first to admit that when she'd told him she liked him in a way that was more than a friend, that it had taken him by surprise because he'd never imagine a girl falling for him, nor vice versa. He had always put himself out for all to see, never hiding anything about himself growing up, and hadn't even considered until then whether it would have been better to make things substantially clearer and outright. He'd supposed he'd always really loved her, but never expected for things to take the turn they had. The more he spoke to Rowan the more he knew deep down what he really had to do, how this was going to work, although that meant he still had a lot of difficult conversations ahead of him. He smiled at her final comment, although he couldn't really move to hug her more without disturbing her position, "All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to make people happy," he said truthfully. It had been his goal from day one that he was going to make people laugh as much as he could, to cheer them up and make the most of their chances. "The fact that I've managed to not only gain friends, but someone who knows me even better than I know myself, who puts up with some really weird situations for me and who I truly believe makes me a better person, that's more than I ever could have asked for." He could never have hated her for anything, and even in the past the only reason he'd ever been upset was because he thought he was losing her. He wasn't about to risk the best thing that had ever happened to him for the sake of greed, and instead was perfectly content with how things were, or at least he would be when he did what he knew he had to. He sighed, hand still running through her hair, brushing out the strands that reflected brightly against the sun. "No one else is going to be able to take that away. I just, don't have the same connection." Being able to break through a personality trait towards guys that he'd just never felt the ability or desire to balance, meant that the way he saw the male population didn't match the way he saw his female counter parts. It's why he had so many girl friends. "If I keep dating, it would only be for the physical aspect," he was glad then that Rowan couldn't actually see him so well, his cheeks flushing as he felt a little awkward about admitting it out loud. But then again she had to know, and he didn't want her to get misunderstandings to any of his intentions. "That's what I need to tell Marco."​
 
Rowan sometimes felt like she was so close to Elio, that she couldn't realistically be sure if they were seperate or not anymore. Emotionally, she felt like sometimes they just... synced, or however that stuff worked, it was all well and truly beyond her. This was why she didn't take Ancient Runes anymore, it was all complete guesswork. Though she supposed the same could be said of Divination, but it was at least taught by a seer, so it couldn't be so terribly wrong. Rowan happened to like Divination and she was definitely taking it next semester if it killed her. She loved Divination and she greatly admired Elvera. She wanted to be more like her in her life one day hopefully. Rowan looked at Elio, she liked looking at his face because it reminded her of just how much trust he had in her and whilst that still terrified the sh!t out of her, she never wanted to ever let him down. She trusted him implicitly with everything and she didn't think she would ever trust anyone the way she knew she could trust Elio. As he talked about wanting people to be happy, Rowan snuggled into him closer, because she knew it was hard for him. This situation, their relationship, it wasn't going to be easy, and one or more people were going to get hurt. She would never wish for anyone to get hurt and she knew it was a selfish and cruel thought, but she would rather it be other people than them. She didn't want to hurt Elio and he didn't want to hurt her, so that meant other people had to get hurt instead, and it sucked, but if they couldn't accept Elio for how he was with her, they didn't want Elio at all. Nor, in her opinion, would they deserve him. "You do make me happy, El, you always have," and she would tell him whenever he needed to hear it. Even if he needed to hear it at two in the morning, which, granted, wasn't ideal, but she'd do it for him. She'd do anything for him.​
​
She was never sure, not really, about just how much Elio wanted from her, and what he wanted from other relationships, so to have him explaining it to her, was something of a shock. He felt comfortable and safe enough with her, loved her enough, that he wanted everything, except that one impossible thing from her? She wasn't sure what to say, she was a little bit speechless in fact, which she was sure he was more than a little familiar with, only this was different, because it was speechlessness out of something good, not something bad. She just... she didn't know what to say, or whether she should say anything at all. What could she say? Mostly she wanted to cry, something she'd done more than her fair share of over the last couple of months, but, this was all so very new and emotions were difficult, she wasn't even sure she could have explained right now what the jumble in her head was trying to say. He didn't have the same connection with Marco as he did with her, and dating would be for the physical aspect to a relationship, the things he couldn't get from her. But the emotions, the love, the deep connection, they were all hers, and hers alone. She was horrified that she was so happy about that, but she couldn't help it. She was happy, she wanted Elio to be happy too, and she desperately hoped this was what he wanted and not something he thought she wanted him to do. Still, she couldn't will herself to speak, too overcome with the emotions of the past couple of days to even attempt to open her mouth lest her heart take the moment to leap out of her chest. She closed her eyes again and buried herself as close to Elio as she could physically get, not wanting to be apart from him. They were in the same house, the same year, most of the same classes, but it didn't matter, because every moment spent apart from Elio was a moment longer she had to catch up. Might as well start now. "I love you, Elio, so f*cking much."​
 
It was hard to put everything Elio wanted to say into words, partially because he didn't even know himself the best way to explain things, but he didn't know how it would be taken either. As Rowan snuggled up closer to him he pulled her in, his other arm wrapping round too and his hands clasped loosely together. The prefect smiled as she said he made her happy, and he was glad for that, hoping he could continue to for a very long time to come. When the words left his mouth he knew they were right, it felt right, and it was relieving to be able to understand what he wanted and to know that Rowan seemed, as far as he knew, to support it too. Every time Rowan told him she loved him, he felt another burst of connection between them, and he nestled his face into her hair, kissing the top of her head. He had spent a while feeling disappointed in himself for not realising it earlier, thinking that while Rowan was dealing with her own thoughts after Valentines all by herself, that she needed time to over come her feelings. Now though he was elated that she hadn't. "I love you too," Maybe it was that Elio had believed Rowan saw their relationship in an entirely different light back then, that she had a picture perfect ideal of what they should have been like, that he had looked past what they had and assumed they were on different paths. In truth they'd both loved each other back then too, and he didn't know what he would do now if she'd emotionally moved away from him. Elio always wanted to make the most of the things he had right there and then, and it was after all why he enjoyed photography in the first place. He moved a little to grab his bag, pulling open the zips before removing the camera. "Friends over a year. Both into photography. Yet we don't have any of these," he said beginning to smile. "How am I meant to introduce my other half to people if we don't have a photo together?" he teased, holding the camera to point at them from above.​
 
Rowan couldn’t have felt more relaxed or content around Elio if she’d tried. After all, there was certainly no one she wanted around her more than him. They’d both worked so hard, and she was determined to ensure that hard work didn’t go to waste as they both slowly navigated their new life together. It was slightly amazing that they’d been able to come this far on their own, working out what they really felt and being secure enough in each other to work at it together. Rowan didn’t know how long it was going to last, but she was willing to continue for as long as she and Elio felt the same about each other. Rowan felt Elio moved around a little, though he was trying not to jostle her too much and she sat up slightly to see what he was doing. Camera? She’d been so preoccupied without her own camera lately that she didn’t even think about his. As he spoke, she let out something of a nervous laugh, because his words on the cliff, in the hospital wing hadn’t left her. Even the stuff at the dance really had made her feel like she was going to have a panic attack if she ever so much as touched her camera again, so seeing him with his so casually, it was painful. Even the words he’d used other half were not enough to help. She turned her head away from the camera, rolling away from Elio and sitting up. “Uh... I’m not... I don’t really... do photography anymore”. She said, not looking at him.​
 
Elio wasn’t aware that things had changed with Rowan and her enjoyment of photography. The last they’d spoken on the subject had been up in his dorm although that had been almost a year ago. As soon as he pulled out the camera he felt her shifting, until she’d pulled away completely and sat up. Instantly Elio could feel the tension from Rowan and he sat up too, laying the camera back down beside them. It wasn’t even about not having a photo of them together but he knew what photography had meant to her at one point, and so the fact she was saying she didn’t do it at all now made the Gryffindor realise something was either wrong or had changed. Shuffling closer, he wrapped his arms round her from behind, resting his head on her shoulder. “Talk to me,” It was a simple request and he knew something was up, and all he wanted to know was what had changed. They’d spent time together in the past focusing on their work, and the idea that she just.. didn’t do it anymore, well truth be told Elio felt like it was connected to him and the last few months. ​
 
omg​
 
Rowan leaned back into Elio as he wrapped his arms around her, sighing slightly at the thought that she was now going to have explain to Elio exactly why she was avoiding her camera. She didn’t want to explain it to him, she really didn’t. She leaned her head against his over her shoulder and sighed again, running her teeth over her braces. How did she even start? “I... haven’t been able to look at my camera since the cliffs,” she admitted finally, leaning away from him slightly. It hurt to think about. “All that... stuff you said... about me,” she told him. “It hurt... stayed with me, wouldn’t leave my head.” She was a perfectionist, she micromanaged situations to fit her narrative, she showed her truth through her images and it had been hard even to look at them and see everything he’d said about her come to life before her eyes. “I just... I can’t do it anymore. It hurt you and... I just can’t,” she said, shaking her head trying not to cry. She missed it so much, her outlet, but she’d hurt Elio, she couldn’t do it.​
 
It took a moment for Elio to remember exactly what he’d said at the cliffs about her photography, although as she was talking about what he’d said about her, his stomach dropped. He had compared her view to their relationship similar to that of her photography skills. They had different ways of going about their work, and Rowan liked to set up her scenes to reflect a particular thought whereas Elio tried to capture moments just to keep them for what they were. He remembered saying that maybe she’d viewed a picture perfect image of them together, and that’s why it had hurt them so much when it hadn’t come true. The idea though that Rowan connected something she enjoyed to a situation he’d put her in so that now she associated it with by being, wasn’t something the prefect was going to just sit by and watch happen. He pulled her a little closer, “The way you create your photos is what makes you you. That’s what you enjoy, and it’s what you’re good at. I’ve seen your pictures,” he began, head still nestled against hers. She’d agreed with him at the time that she’d maybe tried to micromanage him as she would a photo, “The only reason it hurt me was because I couldn’t match the version of us I thought you had in your head. But you hadn’t even known at that point that I couldn’t, that wasn’t your fault.” Elio pulled his head away a little, turning to look at her from the side, “Please don’t throw away something you love because of me,” He knew what photography had meant for Rowan and he couldn’t just watch her stop because he’d gotten in between. ​
 
Rowan could feel the added pressure, both physical and not. She didn't want Elio to worry about her, but, she knew he would, so maybe she should just listen to him for once. She snuggled comfortably in his arms, wrapping her arms around his, holding him to her the way she was want to do always. She sighed and leaned back a little. "It's... it's not really a conscious choice, El, I... I just can't." She said, trying to explain to him. She hoped one day she could, but... it was all still there in her head and... it was true, which made it all worse. Maybe Elio hadn't meant to say them, but he had and that was that. Eventually, maybe, she would get over it, but it was going to take more than Elio telling her not to stop to get her to enjoy it again. Her hands were starting to shake just thinking about it. "I still love photography, I always will but... I just don't... trust myself anymore, not after all of this. I can't help but to think that this is my fault... and I know that's taking away your autonomy again and I don't mean to do that but it is how I feel and I promised you I wouldn't hide my feelings from you anymore, so I'm trying not to," she said, sniffing as she spoke. She hadn't realised she'd started to feel cold. "I just... I need to fix myself before I can try again."​
 
As Elio listened he wasn’t sure if there was anything he could say that would help. There was certainly something that Rowan needed to do before she got back into it, and he wasn’t going to push her to cut corners. As he realised her hands had begun to shake, he slid his own over hers and entwined their fingers. He didn't want her to hide her feelings, "I trust you." Whatever it was that she felt like she needed to do, Elio would be there. He didn't just trust her with himself, nor what she was saying, but it was as though the trust was on her behalf, for her. He was looking at Rowan now, sincere and as though she was the only one he was ever going to be able to see. He thought she knew herself better than she realised, and even after everything that they had been through, maybe Rowan just needed to be able to put it into words. "You're not broken, but if you want to understand it then I'll help you," he remembered her words at the cliff about wanting to find out who she was with him, and while he hadn't supported her at that point, he had every desire to make sure he didn't fail at that again. ​

They hadn't exactly intended to spend much time outside after class, so it wasn't a huge surprise when he could feel Rowan's cold skin under his. Elio moved away from the Gryffindor, leaning back to grab his things and put his glasses back on his nose, before getting up off the grass and putting his hands out for Rowan. Once she was standing, he took off the hoodie he'd been wearing and trying to keep the warmth from inside it escaping too quickly, pulled it instead over Rowan, putting the hood up too with a grin to keep her ears cosy. Grabbing his bag and swinging it to his back, he wrapped his spare arm over her shoulders. One of the best perks of being in the same house was it wasn't as though they had to separate to get back to their common room. He planted a kiss on the top of her head as he started walking back towards the castle. "Love you."​
 
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