Closed The Life I Had In Mind

[Blake van Houten]

The longer he was with Lars, the less Blake understood how he had ever lived without him. All of the fear and anger that had carried him his whole life seemed to matter less and less every day. What had once felt like a monster lurking in his chest had turned out to be nothing but flowers, blooming in his heart and threatening to burst through the cage of his ribs, beauty and love filling his chest so completely it was almost impossible to contain. Love brought new fear though, and Blake could feel the difference in how he carried himself. He had spent most of the holiday avoiding his family entirely, relieved for the first time in his life that Quidditch wasn't a sport his father could share with him. As long as he was in the air he didn't need to deal with the burgeoning realisation that his family would hate him if they knew him. That being loved by them meant pretending to be a person he wasn't anymore.

But the holidays were over, and as long as he could keep avoiding Jenna at school, Blake didn't have to think about his family for another few months. All he cared about right now was spending time with Lars again, the one part of his life that felt realer than anything else, righter than anything else. He had gotten to their usual meeting place early, sitting on a desk and fidgeting with the small bunch of flowers in his hands. He had felt silly picking these from the gardens, had definitely felt silly carrying them through the castle, but he wanted to give Lars something, after spending the holidays apart. So he sat and waited, staring nervously at the abandoned classroom's door.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars had never been very good at lying, but he was slowly getting better at it with all the practice lately. He didn't really like that, but he knew there was no real alternative. He had to make up a story every now and then when he went to meet Blake somewhere. He'd often said he was going to do homework in the library, but if he then later turned up in class with that homework unfinished, he knew his friends would question him. So Lars had lately been claiming to take a lot of solitary walks to clear his mind and inspire him for his paintings. It was a pretty weak excuse, but at least one that was fairly difficult to check.

But early on in the semester,it wasn't that difficult to slip away. It helped that many of his friends weren't in Ravenclaw, so no one really questioned him as he slipped out of the common room to head to their usual spot. Lars wondered if the portraits in the second floor corridor took note of their meetings, and if they gossiped among themselves. It wasn't a thought he'd ever share with Blake, knowing it would probably freak him out. He headed inside and smiled as he saw Blake there with some flowers. His heart did a little jump, and his worries about the lying and hiding of this lessened considerably at the sight of him. He was mostly hiding this for Blake's sake, but he also knew that his friends would heavily question his decision to be with Blake. Especially Elliot. But that didn't matter right now. "Hi." Lars said shyly. "Are those for me?" Lars didn't think anyone had ever given him flowers before. "Makes me want to wear them in some way to class tomorrow." He said, smiling a bit. "Maybe I can get away with having them sticking out of my shirt pocket, what do you think?" He said, half jokingly.

 

[Blake van Houten]

By now, the thoughts that ran through Blake's mind when Lars joined him in this room were painfully familiar. First, the door would crack open and his heart would leap to his throat, terrified that Tyler or someone else had followed him, that he was about to be found out. And then he would see that familiar mop of ginger hair and somehow, the entire world would soften. Lars had come to represent safety in his mind, and the difference Blake felt just being around the Ravenclaw was staggering.

"Hey." He smiled as he returned Lars' greeting, always surprised at how different even his voice sounded when he was around Lars. The tension and discipline he had grown up with all fell away, and he sounded.... happy. That happiness didn't last though, fear curling its way back into the pit of his stomach as Lars spoke. "Oh, uh...." Blake faltered, cursing himself for getting so comfortable. "I, uh.... people saw me with.... you know, uh, carrying these through the castle..." He stammered out, feeling horrible as he spoke. Why hadn't he expected this? It felt like he was giving a gift and taking it away again all at once, but he couldn't risk people putting the pieces together. "So, uh... maybe.... not a great idea." He said, voice getting smaller. "Sorry..."

 

[Lars van Houten]

The idea Lars had had made him pretty happy, but it was shot down immediately. He faltered as Blake said he couldn't wear it because someone might connect it to Blake. Not only did that seem very unlikely, it also... felt disappointing. Lars nodded hesitantly. "I mean... I don't think anyone would remember that." He said slowly. He looked at the flowers, then at Blake. "Blake, I can't do this forever." He then said, the words almost surprising him. "I can't keep hiding."

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake's heart fell with Lars' face, and fresh waves of guilt rolled in over him. The regret was immediate; why had he been scared of something so stupid?! He opened his mouth to apologise, to say he had been silly, that of course Lars could wear the flowers, but then... Lars' next words hit him like a shot to the gut. Blake opened and closed his mouth, searching for words that wouldn't come. "I... I'm sorry." He eventually croaked out, shoulders crumpling. "I just... you know I can't..." He said slowly, cutting himself off. "Jenna's at school now, my family..." He stuttered out, but it was hard to even summon the words. The longer he spent with Lars, the more his situation felt like a rock and a hard place, and Blake knew eventually something was going to have to give. And he didn't know if he could bear that thing being Lars.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars could tell he had hurt Blake, and he almost wished he hadn't said it, almost. But it was true. Lars could feel deep down that he couldn't keep this up until graduation, or worse, until after graduation. But he also knew Blake couldn't be open. It was a problem without a solution. Lars took his hands and squeezed them. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that." He said softly. "I... I know you can't. I understand. But it's not easy to keep hiding." He admitted. "My friends are noticing things too, I think. At least that I'm hiding something."

 

[Blake van Houten]

Blake felt his tremors subside slightly as Lars took his hands, clinging tightly to the Ravenclaw as his lifeline. Lars' words didn't stay soothing for long, and Blake tensed again as Lars said his friends were noticing things. "Oh..." He croaked, trying hard not to think about how he didn't even have anyone close enough to notice he had been acting strangely. A blessing and a curse, he supposed. "I'm... sorry." Was all Blake could manage, hesitating a moment before pulling Lars into a tight hug, pressing his face deep into his chest and inhaling the warm scent of flowers and paint. "I love you." Blake mumbled softly, holding Lars close and letting himself think. He knew that eventually, this was going to come to a choice between Lars and his family, and in moments like this, that choice almost felt easy. Almost.

 

[Lars van Houten]

Lars wished he had never said what he'd said when he saw how hurt Blake was. But it was how he was feeling. It was growing more and more difficult to keep the feelings he had for Blake hidden. He wanted to tell his sisters, he wanted to write Fleur about it and ask for advice. He wanted to carry the flowers Blake gave him with him. He wanted to paint him. He wanted- Lars' thoughts were interrupted by Blake's words, and he stared at him in shock for a moment, at least the parts of Blake he could see when they were this close together. He faltered, then placed his hand on the back of Blake's head. "I... love you too." He whispered, sounding a little stunned.

 

[Blake van Houten]

The words had slipped out almost unbidden, but they were out now, and Blake wouldn't take them back for all the money in the world. He loved Lars, and that was that. No matter how much more complicated it made his situation. But he had been so focused on having said it himself, that hearing the words said back to him came as a total surprise. They had been... Together for a long time, but somehow Blake found it hard to believe someone like Lars could really love someone like him. He wasn't... Sensitive or creative, he was.... A brute, practically, and part of Blake had always assumed Lars just... Liked his looks or wanted company or something. But he loved him. Blake looked up at Lars in surprise, searching the Ravenclaw's eyes before kissing him softly, heart aching. He... Loved Lars, and Lars loved him, and.... Somewhere in that, he had to find a solution for his problems.