Rowan didn't know what to say. Only a moment ago all she'd wanted to do was for him to listen to her, and to talk, but now... he asked her why she left, and the truth was, that it had hurt. Looking at Elio had hurt and she thought that putting some distance between them for a little bit would help. She'd always intended to find him again and talk to him, but, after she'd calmed down and the humiliation had worn off, she'd thought about what she'd said and how much of a scene she'd made and, she felt so stupid, and so horrible that she though Elio would be better off without her. She thought that, after what she'd said, the way she'd tried to make it his fault, that he wouldn't want to be her friend, that he deserved someone who was much better than her. The longer she'd stayed away, the worse she felt and then it got to the point where it was harder to return to him, because she'd stayed away for so long. She wasn't sure how or why she'd made the decision that they were better off, but she'd been so terribly wrong. She couldn't function without knowing if Elio forgave her or not and, she wasn't sure she could function properly without letting him know that she was so wrong for what she did, but how to express all of this to him? Her tears had not stopped since they had started and she wiped them away slowly, sniffing as she did so, a pathetic display, but she couldn't stop it. It had been so long since she'd spoken to him that she wanted to tell him how she'd felt and everything she was going through, but, there was so much still left unresolved between them, she wasn't sure how to fix it. "I... I didn't r-really know... not at first," she said, making sure to stay out of his space in case he didn't want her anywhere near him. And who could blame him really. "I f-figured it out... really s-slowly. It was... it was like fitting the pieces of a p-puzzle together... except I didn't have the end picture." She said, feeling like he was owed an explanation. "It was only ... m-much later that... it b-became more obvious."
Rowan tried to breath through the tears, trying to dry them. She felt stupid, pathetic and she certainly knew she looked it. She had to press through it though, she had to let Elio know that she was entirely to blame, that none of this was his fault. Even if in the end he would decide never to speak to her again, that he didn't want to be friends with her, she knew she had to make sure she did this, he had done nothing wrong. "It...it wasn't y-you that I left... exactly." She was trying to hard to figure out how she was supposed to explain this, but, thus far she was babbling more than explaining. "I should never have put you in that situation, Elio and... I'm so-so deeply sorry, honestly I am." The things she'd said, should never have been said the way they were, or at all. She should have talked to him about it in private, she should have double checked, she should have never done something so foolish in public. It wasn't just herself she had hurt, it was Elio and anyone Elio might have potentially liked too, it was nothing but a selfish bid for attention and it had taken her entirely too long to realise it, but, once she had, the damage had been done and it had been too late. All she could really hope for now, was for Elio to forgive her... if he thought she was worthy enough even for that. He'd probably lost all respect he'd had for her, she'd certainly lost all respect for herself. It was pretty crazy was six months of inner reflection could do to a person. "I was h-humiliated," she tucked some of her hair behind her ear and sighed, the tears slowly a little as she calmed down slowly. "My b-biggest personal fear, as I found out, was public h-humiliation and I'd walked r-right into it... that was my boggart... right there, p-playing out in f-front of m-me for the world to see a-and... and you... were the one wh-who'd done it... it wasn't... your fault, absolutely not, it was entirely on me... but at the time I just... I guess I-I panicked and... and I didn't know what to do. I felt like the entire Great Hall was watching us, laughing at me... they probably weren't even paying attention, I don't know." She shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself in comfort.
"By the time I... by the time I calmed down... the night was over... I didn't go b-back to the dorms... I... snuck into the... I snuck to the Ravenclaw towers and... and Elsie stayed with me... she'd had a b-bad night too and... look, I'm... I have no excuses for... for what I did. I won't try to make any... either." She played with her sleeve, drawing some courage from the tattoo she now bore. "You can... hate me... if you want, I just... I needed to tell you... I needed you to know that none of this was your fault... you did everything right... I'm... huh... well... Zennon thought he was the monster... guess we learned the truth." Rowan bit her lip as she kicked her foot gently along the floor. "My life was empty without you in it... I avoided you the more I hurt, because I thought it would stop the pain of the Elio sized hole... but... it just got worse and... and eventually I figured it was too late... to come clean about everything. I thought... maybe you wanted to move on... and just forget we'd ever been friends... I wouldn't have blamed you at all... I just... it's what I deserve. I never deserved you as a friend... and you didn't deserve someone like me." She finally said, almost feeling like she had a weight off of her shoulders.