Open Stumble Through the Noise

[Monty Pendleton]

One day at a time. This was the way Monty had always lived. Looking too far into the future scared him. He saw old age, illness, immobility; the death of loved ones. He saw himself, aged twenty or thirty years, still no closer to figuring out his grand purpose on earth, if he had one at all. Sometimes he was happy just to exist, to be alive, to fulfil his role as a teacher and to watch the children grow and blossom into young adults. Other times, he didn't feel he was doing enough. Something was missing. Something important. And he couldn't figure out what it was.

Out of nowhere, the weight of his worries suddenly threatened to crush him, and he had to stop and sit on a stone window ledge to catch his breath. He was almost forty-nine. Where had the years gone? He shook his head, knowing he couldn't afford to dwell on things that made him anxious while there were students around. Not that it mattered much any more. He'd embarrassed himself so many times over the last nine years that he was sure he didn't have any dignity left to save.

 

[Professor Matt Alcott-Ward]

Preparing for the new semester was always a lot of work, and Matt usually did it during the holidays. The second semester included the OWL and NEWT year for Matt, and he always wanted to be sure he was helping his students with these difficult exams. He had just finished some work, and decided to take a walk through the castle. It was always a good way to clear his head, and he smiled to himself as he passed a few interesting portraits. He didn't think he would ever tire of teaching at Hogwarts, even if it kept him away from his family more than he would like. While April and October were in school it wasn't so bad, but both girls were approaching graduation with an alarming rate. Matt already knew he would cry at both graduations, and he wasn't looking forward to it.

He passed Monty, and gave the man an automatic smile. But then he noticed something about his friend seemed off. He was sitting on a window ledge, and he looked... uncomfortable. Unwell? Like something was wrong, at least. Matt never brought it up, but he vividly remembered the time Monty had fainted in the entrance hall. His friend had seemed better since then, but Matt wanted to be there for him if he ever did need help. And he honestly looked like he needed someone right now. So Matt headed over to him, and sat down on the window ledge as well before looking sideways at Monty. "You alright?" He asked in a soft voice. "If you need a moment, we could head to my office. It's not that far." It was two floors down, and he then realized Monty's own was only one floor down. "Or your office. That's closer." He added sheepishly.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

The corridor was quiet, but not empty, and as Monty collected his nerves he was aware of the possibility that a student would notice him - or worse, approach him. So when he looked up and saw Matt, a wave of relief so strong washed over him that it completely knocked down his guard. He shook his head, grateful for Matt's offer, but not wanting to make a big deal out of a momentary panic. "I'm all right, I think - thank you, Matt," he said, though his smile of reassurance trembled slightly. He exhaled at length through his mouth. "Just a bit overwhelmed. Sometimes the anxiety just..." He trailed off, wondering whether it was wise to talk to Matt about this. Displaying vulnerability almost scared Monty more than the things that made him feel vulnerable in the first place. Unable to find the words to finish his sentence, he made a useless gesture, chuckling. "But I'm fine. No - I am. Thank you. Thank you for stopping. Actually, it helps just to talk to somebody. I mean - you don't have to stay..." Monty grimaced. "Sorry. So, er... how are you? Christmas plans?"

 

[Professor Matt Alcott-Ward]

Matt nodded as Monty told him he was alright, but he did notice the man's expression didn't seem entirely at ease. He would listen to what Monty wanted, though, and if he didn't think heading to one of their offices was necessary, Matt wasn't going to insist that it was. He nodded in understanding as Monty said he was a bit overwhelmed, giving his friend a reassuring smile. "I get it." He said softly. "No need to explain, unless you want to, then I'm all ears." He was glad to hear it helped to talk to somebody, and he gently nudged his friend. "I love talking, don't you know I'm a very social person who is very good at talking?" He joked, aware that he was often awkward at social gatherings and that his colleague was probably aware of it. "I don't mind staying, I was just taking a walk to take a break from my lesson preparations." He shrugged easily. "No need to apologize. I'm doing well, and my Christmas will be with Kyle and the girls. We're exchanging gifts and Kyle is cooking, nothing too wild. Though I'm sure April will do her best to make it so." He glanced at Monty. "What about yourself?"

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty had always appreciated Matt's friendship, but it was moments such as these that reminded him how fortunate he was. He laughed, well aware that he and Matt were similar in their aversion to small-talk. Perhaps it was this that made him so easy to talk to. Monty knew that if he stammered or rambled or back-tracked, Matt wasn't going to judge him, and so he never felt the need to raise his guard around him. Listening carefully, Monty nodded. "I'm sure she will," he agreed, with a chuckle. "That sounds lovely. I'm, er... I'll be at home, with Saveli. And the grandchildren." No doubt Ainmere and Rion would have grown significantly since he'd seen them last. He was happy to spend Christmas with his family, but the prospect of going home didn't fill him with glee. His lack of excitement was why he was still here, working when he didn't have to. Was that wrong? "Sorry - if you don't mind my asking - how did you and Kyle meet?" Monty asked suddenly. "I don't believe you've ever said."

 

[Professor Matt Alcott-Ward]

Matt wouldn't pretend he understood exactly what Monty went through with his anxiety, but the two had similar enough personalities that he did feel like he sort of understood the other man. He smiled as Monty told him about his own Christmas plans, though it was a little startling to be reminded of the fact that he had grandchildren. "How is Saveli?" He asked with a small smile. She had been a seventh year when Matt started teaching at the school, which didn't seem that long ago. It was strange to think she had children, and with October and April graduating fairly soon themselves, Matt decided not to linger on that too much. He didn't think he was ready to be a grandfather himself yet, not for a while. He was pleasantly surprised when Monty asked him how he and Kyle met, settling into his seat on the window sill to tell the story. "It's a pretty good story." He told him, then paused. "If I do say so myself. We met at the ballet school both our daughters went to, I believe we first talked about the fact that they were both named after months." He chuckled softly at the memory. "We started dating. But the thing is, it was a muggle dancing school, so we both thought the other one was a muggle. It wasn't until we ran into each other on the platform for the New Zealand Express that we realized we were both wizards. That was at the start of April's first year, and we had been dating for a while by then." He smiled, clearly fond of the memory. "That was also my first year of teaching."

 

[Monty Pendleton]

"Yes! She's very well, thank you," Monty said, smiling as he thought of Saveli. Where would Monty be now, if he didn't have her? Even though she no longer lived in his house, knowing that she, Reuben, Ainmere and Rion were a part of his family made him feel a little less lonely. Family. He would never have guessed it could mean so much to him until he had one. Monty nodded to show Matt he was listening as his friend began to explain how he'd met Kyle. It was such a good story that Monty was glad he'd asked to hear it. "Goodness," he said, laughing, his anxiety all but forgotten. "How extraordinary. It's the kind of meeting you'd expect to read in a book, isn't it? Congratulations again, by the way. I truly apologise for dashing off so quickly at the wedding, but... well - you know." He laughed again. "What I saw of it was lovely. Beautiful. I'm thrilled for you both."

 

[Professor Matt Alcott-Ward]

Matt smiled as Monty said his daughter was doing well. "And the grandkids? Tell me about them, I never get tired of hearing stories." He said with a slight grin. "I hope that day is far away for me, but I do love babies." He said with a chuckle. "It seems like yesterday that April was a toddler, and my ex-wife and I were running after her all day." He added a little wistfully. Monty's reaction to his story made him chuckle, and he nodded. "I suppose it's a fairly good story. Though I don't know if its worthy for a book." He said, shaking his head slightly. As Monty congratulated him, he gave his friend a warm smile. "Thank you, and don't worry about it. I kind of wanted to dash off myself, but that would have been weird." He said, laughing. "Not that I didn't love it, but... you know, having all those eyes on me isn't my favorite thing." He said quietly. "But I've been very happy, and... things have been great." He said, smiling as he looked up at the ceiling for a moment, thinking back to that day.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty chuckled. "All I can say is, I'd better hope I've retired before Ainmere reaches school age," he said. "No - she's lovely. They're both wonderful. Growing astonishingly quickly. Actually, the wedding bells may ring again soon; Saveli's partner Reuben asked me for my blessing a few days ago." When Reuben had been declared Ainmere's father, Monty had at first worried that the pressures of having to look after a family would scare him away. Two years later, Monty had no doubt that he would stick by Saveli through thick and thin - sickness and health.

Monty laughed as Matt confessed to having wanted to leave as well. Certainly Monty understood the discomfort of being at the centre of attention for too long. He could tell by the expression on Matt's face that he was thinking about Kyle, or perhaps their wedding day. Love was a funny thing. Being alone while everybody else was in love was like being the only person at the dinner table who couldn't taste the food. Monty often wondered what it felt like to truly fall in love. He often wondered if he'd ever know. At any rate, he was as pleased for Matt as he said he was. "Good. That's good," Monty said, nodding. "You deserve it, Matt." He looked down, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. "I confess I've just about given up hope of finding love." Where was this coming from? Five years ago, he couldn't have cared less about such things. "Well. Perhaps one day I'll be surprised. But - you know. It's difficult."

 

[Professor Matt Alcott-Ward]

Matt laughed softly as Monty said he hoped to be retired by the time his granddaughter attended Hogwarts. It sounded to him like she was perhaps similar to April, as his own daughter had caused a fair share of destruction as a small child. "Oh, wow. Congratulations." He said with a smile as Monty told him his daughter would probably be married soon as well. "That's amazing." He said, trying not to think of the same thing happening to April anytime soon. He had noticed her with a boy at the yule ball, and while he didn't want to be a stifling overprotective dad, he did feel like her dating was definitely something he would need time to adjust to.

The subject of Kyle was a little embarrassing, mostly because Matt wasn't too used to talking about his feelings so openly. But he truly loved Kyle, and was very happy to be married to him now. Their life together was everything he could want, and he knew he was a very lucky man. So when Monty told him he deserved it, he gave the man a grateful smile. "Thanks." He said quietly. But he noticed that Monty looked down at his hands, seeming distracted. He soon realized why, as Monty confessed he had given up hope of finding love. Matt didn't know much about Monty's past, but he had realized a while ago the man had adopted a daughter by himself. That had been something Matt admired, but he hadn't really thought much more about it. Now he realized Monty might be a bit lonely, and that made him sad for his friend. "I can understand that." He said honestly. "But... I don't think you should give up. It certainly is difficult, especially for... well, less social people." He gestured to himself, then at Monty, smiling slightly. "But it's not impossible. I somehow managed to find it twice. But I assure you that after Adelia and I divorced, I also thought it was over for me. I never expected to meet someone else, and especially never expected to get married again." He gently nudged Monty's shoulder. "Life has a way of surprising you." He said quietly. "And maybe you should try to talk Saveli into taking ballet classes, that worked for me." He added, trying to lighten the mood a little with a joke.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty thanked Matt for his congratulations. Sometimes it seemed as if things were moving too quickly. Other times, Monty realised that this was simply the way of life - that change, though unsettling, was unavoidable. Saveli was happy. At the end of the day, that was all Monty had ever hoped for her.

Monty smiled, appreciative of his friend's encouragement, though the subject had veered quickly into uncomfortable territory. He blamed himself for bringing it up. Matt meant well, but Monty's situation was far more complicated than being socially anxious, and he began to worry that if he didn't change the topic he might be cornered into explaining himself. By the time Matt nudged him a second time, he was so ready to leave that he used his discomfort at the brief contact as a reason to end the conversation. "Yes," he said, with a polite chuckle. "Perhaps I should. Actually, Matt, I really appreciate this, but I think I'd best be getting on." Monty stood up. "I'm sure I've kept you long enough, anyway. Have a wonderful Christmas, if I don't see you until the new term - send my wishes to Kyle and the girls."

 

[Professor Matt Alcott-Ward]

Matt had hoped his words would have a positive effect on Monty, but it seemed to be the opposite. Perhaps he shouldn't have spoken so openly, but what he had said had been true for him. Monty responded to his joke, but not really anything else. Instead, he said he had to leave. Matt nodded, an easy smile still on his face even though he was worrying about having said the wrong thing. "Right. Of course." He said to his friend as he stood up. "I hope you have a wonderful Christmas as well, and I will do that." He said, getting up himself. "I'll see you around, okay?" He added, wanting to say that he was always here to talk to, but feeling like that would sound too serious.