Closed My Heart's to Blame

Colin Michaels

Playwright | Publisher
 
Messages
79
OOC First Name
Anna
Blood Status
Mixed Blood
Relationship Status
Married
Sexual Orientation
Gay
Age
59
For the most part, Colin enjoyed his job. As an assistant librarian he could spend his entire day around the literature he adored, and find satisfaction in placing returns perfectly on the shelves, all while helping readers find and check out any books they needed. He felt as if he were playing a small part in sharing knowledge and literature to the community and it warmed his heart, helping him deal with most of the stresses he faced while working. However feeling so content with his role was never always enough to drown out the stress of dealing with his boss, a judgemental elderly man that was not as open minded about sharing knowledge to everyone, in the same way Colin was. Usually it was shown as a raising of the eyebrow or a condescending tone of voice, although that day the man’s judgement was more direct, in asking Colin to check out a motorcycle that had been parked outside the library all day. A vehicle of any kind outside of a library was nothing Colin thought was worth fussing about, especially not when paired with the assumption it must have been owned by a drunk biker, as explained by his boss, but Colin nevertheless needed to cater to the whim of checking it out to give the man he worked for peace of mind.​

The bike was eerily familiar, and Colin had an inkling it was too similar to James’ bike to be a coincidence, but he pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he returned to his boss’ office, while brushing some of the water from his jacket where he had been rained on. He quickly assured his boss only the bike was there and it should be nothing to worry about, before returning to his previous task of placing all the returns on their appropriate shelves. It was calming to take out such a mundane task, and as usual Colin allowed his imagination to flourish as he wandered the library with books in his arms, feeling the strain of carrying them lessen as he put each one away. So caught up in his mind, Colin had not put too much thought to the idea of the bike out front being similar to James; nor amidst the quiet environment had he noticed the exact man was curled up on a beanbag in the room he was working in. At least not until he turned to place his last book on the shelf, to finally see James from the corner of his eye. Brows furrowed with confusion, Colin put the book away and walked to where James was sleeping, noting all the various Shakespeare books scattered around him. It wasn’t difficult for Colin to connect the dots and gather this was James reading all of Colin’s recommendations. “Um, James?” Colin said quietly, wanting to wake him up, but also not wanting to draw the attention of his boss, who would surely not be pleased with this development.​
 
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James had been on his way to a new shoot when he'd been derailed by a storm, taking refuge in a library. It was a nice building. He shook off his jacket before finding a nice corner in the back to wait out the storm. He'd wandered around, gathering up a few of the books Colin had recommended to pass the time. Not like he was really thinking about Colin. Cuz he wasnt. He just... happened to be reminded of him. And had the odd thought that maybe knowing his Shakespeare better might impress the taller man.

James couldn't remember passing out. But he could remember having a very vivid dream about Colin. It was just getting good when he heard someone call his name. He groaned quietly, rolling away from the sound and stretching out, shirt riding up to reveal some of his lower back.
 
Colin looked behind each of his shoulders, thankful when he wasn’t able to see his boss anywhere nearby. As happy and thrilled as Colin always was to see James, seeing him at his work place unannounced was admittedly startling, and his instinct to keep his work and personal lives separate kicked in. Colin worried that if his boss somehow found out that the bike outside belonged to James, there would be a lot of needless judgement James didn’t deserve. All too much stress for such a small thing that shouldn’t have been an issue, and Colin wanted to avoid it. “Hey, James.” Colin whispered a little more urgently, stepping closer to where James was sleeping. To ensure he was heard this time, and he wasn’t making noise in an otherwise silent library for nothing, Colin moved his hand to gently shake James’ shoulder. “Hey, wake up.” He whispered again, looking around to make sure he wasn’t drawing any attention. The room seemed deserted though Colin couldn’t be sure with the many bookshelves and reading nooks, and he wanted to be as cautious as possible, just in case.​
 
James was really enjoying the dream he was having when he felt someone shaking his shoulder. He shot up, blinking the sleep from his eyes and letting out a yelp as he saw Colin. He fell back against the bookshelf, bright red and stuttering. “C-c-colin,” He gave a nervous smile, running a hand through his tousled hair. “What are you doing here?” He whispered loudly, looking around the library. “How did- I don’t understand,” His blush deepened as he spotted the books surrounding him. Oh, lord, Colin would think he was an idiot.
 
Colin said a loud “Shh!” after James yelped, still not wanting to draw any attention to them. He hadn’t meant to scare James by waking him up, but he couldn’t leave him sleeping there either, just waiting to be stressed out by judgement from Colin’s boss and resulting in having his feelings hurt. It was the last thing Colin wanted and he felt the urge to do something about it, to resolve the situation, so he tried his best to explain it, choosing first to answer James’ question of why he was there. “I work here.” He said simply. He would have thought more about how adorable James was, being so flustered and startled awake, and how appreciative he was of his friend choosing to read Shakespeare for him, because he assumed James wouldn’t read it otherwise. Though with his mind still in work mode and his worries prominent, Colin couldn’t dwell on it for long, or at all really. He instead was worried about what his boss would think, too concerned about keeping his personal life separate from his work to maintain peace and avoid judgement to give anything else his attention. “My boss is concerned about your bike that is outside, and I worry that if he sees you here he will be judgemental, and I don’t want that for you.” Colin then explained, wanting to express the urgency he felt over this situation.​
 
James yawned, sitting up and stretching. He looked around the library before looking back to Colin. “Huh?” It took him a second to register what Colin had said and James shook his head. “I don’t care what he thinks,” He shrugged, “Am I bothering you? I didn’t know you worked here…” He smacked his lips a little to try and get the dryness out of his mouth. “I was just riding out the storm…”
 
When James said he didn’t care what his boss thought, Colin’s shoulders relaxed slightly. It was a relief he did not need to worry about James’ feelings being hurt by an overly judgemental elderly man, but it didn’t mean Colin felt the same, unfortunately. In fact Colin was constantly worried what his boss thought of him, because he obviously needed to, and a small part of him feared his job would be made more difficult if he knew Colin was friends with James, or in addition to that, if he knew how Colin really felt about James. Even James didn’t know such a thing, but Colin with his high strung nature and the unexpectedness of the day couldn’t avoid worrying over it. As much as Colin admired James’ ability to be carefree, and to go through life comfortable being himself, Colin wasn’t at the same place with his own confidence. His fear always got to him, and it was impossible for him to ignore it. It frustrated Colin he couldn’t instantly be who he wanted to be, so he tried to take another small step forward, trying to hide how he felt as he spoke. “Well, that’s a little less concerning then.” Colin said, swallowing before he looked to the books scattered around them. Wanting to change the subject away from his work so he did not chicken out from the small step he was metaphorically taking, Colin picked up one of the books, deciding it wouldn’t be the worst thing if his boss saw him talking to James. “So, Shakespeare? I recognized one of the covers. Have you read Hamlet, then?” Colin asked, inspecting the copy of Hamlet he had picked up.​
 
James watched Colin, still blinking sleep from his eyes. Was Colin nervous? It was probably about his boss. James was about to ask but Colin asked about his books first. Still too sleepy to think to lie, he just blurted out the truth. “Yeah, I thought I could impress you if I knew my Shakespear better.” He yawned, and it took a second for him to realize what he said. He shot up a bit straighter, ruffling his hair with his hand. “N-not like I was trying to impress you,” He amended quickly, blushing and looking away. “I-I mean, you like the stuff so I thought it would be good I guess,” He sulked, trying not to let on how flustered he had just made himself. For all he knew Colin was straight, the man had been married and had a daughter. James didn’t need a little crush getting in the way of a real connection.
 
Colin began to feel a little more comfortable, and smiled as he looked from the book in his hands, to James. “You don’t need to try to impress me, you do that by being yourself.” Colin admitted, surprising even himself with his honesty. Maybe it was due to his mind being on Shakespeare, and he always felt confident when he spoke about literature in some sense, or it might have been the fact he wanted to show his appreciation over James seeking out and reading his recommendations by being honest, even if he thought James trying to impress him was unnecessary. “The twelfth night is my personal favourite, if anything. The protagonist washes ashore on an unfamiliar island and assumes a new identity.” Colin explained. “It wasn’t always my favourite, but I found that I now relate to it more than I ever thought I could.” He elaborated, momentarily looking to the floor to find a copy of the twelfth night. Luckily it was close by among the books scattered around. “Ah! here.” He picked the book up, and offered it to James. “If there is anything you should read and take home today, it should be this.” Colin nodded his head. He couldn’t predict whether James would connect the dots, eventually understanding the reason Colin related so much to the story of the twelfth night, but he wanted James to read it either way.​
 
James blinked, slowly turning to look at Colin as the words sunk in. He… impressed Colin? He tried not to read too much into it. He stood, moving slowly over to Colin and taking the book in his hands. Wait, was Colin…? No, he couldn’t be… could he? James hesitated a moment before reaching out and lightly touching Colin’s jaw with his fingertips. “Thank you,” He murmured, waiting with his breath held to see Colin’s reaction.
 
It happened so suddenly, and was so unexpected it caught Colin off guard, but it seemed as if in the blink of an eye James was closer to him, brushing his jaw with his fingertips. As willing as Colin was to face some of his fears of judgement with James’ unintentional encouragement, and as much as he wanted to to react in the right way and reciprocate the action, Colin instead found himself reacting with his instinct to hide and brush it off. To run away, because no matter the progress he had made recently in feeling comfortable with himself, he was still a victim to his own bad habits. He couldn’t rid his mind of the fact he was still in his workplace, with the eyes of his boss potentially on them and the eyes of any other library dwellers, and it was too much. Frowning, Colin stepped back and away from James, and looked to the ground for a moment. Eventually he cleared his throat and tried to explain himself, wanting to save whatever moment had happened. “I, um.” He began, pausing before he returned his gaze to James. “I like you James, but in the library while I am working is not the time or place.” It was a lot for Colin to admit, and he was further out of his comfort zone than he ever expected to be that day, making a series of metaphorical steps forward and backward in different ways. He wished he was confident enough to do more, and be more than he was for James’ sake, but he wasn’t able to and it frustrated him. He hoped he hadn’t ruined the friendship he and James had built, nor tainted the feelings he had for James in the midst of his worrying.​
 
James hesitated as Colin stepped away, noting the frown and the way he looked to the ground. James took several steps back himself, biting his lip and looking away. He took the hand that had touched Colin’s jaw and rubbed the back of his neck. He tried to ignore the little twist his heart did at the rejection. Colin was smart, sophisticated, and even if by some miracle he was gay, he was still a hundred times out of James’ league. He didn’t know what he had been hoping for, honestly. “Well,” He managed softly in response to Colin, “I should probably clean up my mess then,” He meant it in several different ways, turning to gather the books he had been reading so that he could put them back on the shelves without quite meeting Colin’s eye.

He felt vulnerable, which was something he hadn’t felt in a very long time, and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. “I… like you, too,” He admitted gently. “Even if I’m not quite sure what you mean,” He continued, slowly placing books back on the shelves. “I, um… don’t usually… feel things. Or rather, let myself,” He traced his fingers slowly down the spine of the book he’d put away. “But I… enjoy spending time with you,” He allowed, putting away the last book and sticking his hands in his pockets before turning to look back to Colin with caution in his eyes. “When are you off?” He inquired gently. “I’m stuck until the storm lets up. Maybe… you could explain more about this book over coffee?” He offered lightly.
 
Colin’s heart flipped in his chest, his stomach churning in time with it as he watched James retreat. He hadn’t meant to hurt him, and he wished he had the confidence to act differently, though regardless of how he wished things could be different, it wasn’t possible. Colin wanted to be the confident, the kind of person that could be their true selves all the time, without worrying about judgement from others and most importantly being happy, but he wasn’t there just yet. He was set back by thirty years of lying to himself and everyone else around him, and he was making progress, but couldn’t instantly transform himself to the person he wanted to be. Crossing his arms, in a self hug, an attempt to comfort himself, Colin said. “I’m sorry.” In short to apologise for everything, from the moment they met all the way back in New Zealand, to that very day. He tried to find the right words to explain himself and save James some of the rejection, but couldn’t. “I like you as more than a friend, but we are friends, and I don’t know if I’m at the point of moving forward with something so out of my comfort zone. Right now I need you to be patient with me.” He admitted quietly, worried anyone nearby would overhear them. It was more than he ever thought he would say to James, but it was something he hoped would reassure the man. “Coffee later sounds good, I should be finished here at three or so.” Colin added, uncrossing his arms as he moved to help pick up the left over books on the floor.​
 
James let out a soft sigh, patting Colin’s shoulder lightly before moving his hand back into his pocket. “Don’t be sorry,” He murmured. “I shouldn’t push.” He bit his lip, heart thundering madly in his chest. “I… don’t know what I feel.” He started, before pausing. “I need you,” He admitted quietly. “And it scares me. I’ve never… connected with anyone before. Not like this,” He chuckled dryly, running his hands through his hair. “I… think I’m just going to follow your lead on this, Col. I don’t want to mess this up,” He said gently, almost reaching for Colin but pulling back and rubbing his arm.
 
Everything was overwhelming for Colin. Seeing James that day, and admitting James he liked him as more than a friend, and James returning that in any capacity, and Colin didn’t know how to handle it. However he did know that despite how overwhelmed he was he did appreciate James’ words, although they were a little fragmented. Colin sighed when James said he would follow his lead, thankful he wouldn’t be made to leave his comfort zone too quickly and return to his habits of denial and running away. James deserved much better than that, he deserved to have someone that would stay and support him, and Colin knew that. “Thank you.” Colin said, looking to James affectionately, though not going out of his way to show it, his lingering fear still getting the better of him despite fighting it. “How about we put these books away, and I walk you out, and then we meet for coffee in a few hours?” Colin soon suggested, still absent mindedly picking up books from the floor, and finding their appropriate place on the nearby shelves. He was thankful he at least had the task of putting books away to distract him somewhat from the moment, it kept him in some sense of calm when he was sure he would otherwise be a mess.​
 
James let out a soft sigh as Colin seemed to relax a little, letting the tension from his own shoulders relax. He moved to help Colin gather up his books, returning them to the shelves where he found them while at the same time trying not to sneak too many glances at the taller man. He was struggling to process all of this. Colin… was interested in him? But not ready for anything. James was silent as they finished putting away the books and stayed silent as Colin walked him to the door. He paused as they stepped outside, the storm having let up enough that James could safely leave.

“Colin…” James started, not looking to the other man. “Don’t… feel pressured. I slipped up a bit, but I… it won’t happen again,” He promised quietly. “Aside from my relationship with my brother and his wife, this… what we have is the most I’ve ever had. And if it never changes, then that’s alright.” He slipped the book Colin had given him into his jacket and zipped it up. “I know I don’t deserve more than one night. Whatever it is that’s going on in your head… you’ll find someone worth your while. I know I’m not… worthy enough to be that person. But hey,” He finally turned and gave Colin a guarded yet impish grin. “I’m always open to a good cup of coffee.”

He brought two fingers to his forehead and saluted Colin before turning and starting to walk away.
 
Colin stayed relatively silent as he put away the last of the scattered books, eventually checking the twelfth night out for James and walking his friend outside, where the storm had become less severe. Not knowing what to say, but wanting to say something, Colin opened his mouth, though paused when James was the one to speak first. As Colin listened, his brows furrowed, concern and sadness washing over him. He didn’t think of James as a one night type of situation, in fact he thought of James as far more than that, so much more that he had been further terrified to act on his feelings. When James began to walk away, Colin reached out to stop him, grabbing his arm. “No it’s not like that.” Colin said, scrambling to explain himself. “It’s that I’m still newly out of the closet and everything scares me, you mean a lot to me, I just need patience is all. I don’t want to keep running away from my feelings like I have for thirty years. I worry if I move too fast I’ll end up hurting you, and even if you don’t believe it, you deserve better than that.” Colin admitted, practically babbling at this point as he nervously wanted to keep James close to him. The last thing he wanted was for James to resign and leave their friendship and everything else behind because of a misunderstanding, and Colin wished this was enough for James to understand his side.​
 
James was startled when Colin grabbed his arm, and his eyes widened a little as he listened to the man speak. He instinctively turned back towards the other man. He was silent for a moment when Colin finished speaking, and for a split second James almost leaned forward to kiss Colin.

He pulled away, taking a step back and giving Colin a shy smile. “Col… let’s not talk about this,” He suggested softly. “If you don’t shut up, I swear, I- I’m going to kiss you, and I don’t think you’re ready for that, so I’m just- I’m going to go, and we’re going to pause this conversation until you think you’re ready to have it, alright?” He suggested, running a hand through his hair and trying very hard not to look at Colin’s lips.
 
Colin shut his mouth, nodding at James’ response. He had to admit to himself he did want to kiss James, the thought having lingered in the back of his mind countless times since they had begun spending time together, especially during quiet moments, silences before one of them figured out what to say next. The thought was particularly loud in that moment, from James mentioning it and Colin realizing with the rain still falling and feeling free now that they were on the side walk, rather than inside the library, it was a rather romantic setting, almost from a storybook. It was so loud that he wanted to just pull James closer and kiss him suddenly, but at the same time it didn’t seem right after all that had happened. Both Colin's logic and the pit in his stomach continued to tell him that acting on the thought and rushing into things would result in heartbreak for the both of them, so he resisted the urge. Colin continued nodding, agreeing with and appreciating the fact James was respecting his boundaries.​
Colin let a silence fall as he tried to think of what to say back to his friend, and he eventually managed to put his words together, refusing to let go of James’ arm. “I mean, taking things slow is definitely smart, and thank you for respecting that. I know it might not be the best idea, but I can’t help but ask, but could I at least have a small kiss, to tide me over?” It was a big step for Colin, and it went against what he agreed to, but it was at least a smaller step forward to ask for a gentle kiss than pull James in for a make out session in public, which would have definitely sent Colin running for the hills later as his fear returned to him. Settling for something small seemed like the perfect medium, and a way for Colin to move forward comfortably.​
 
James didnt move as a short silence fell, enjoying the hold that Colin had on his arm much too much to move away immediately. He gave Colin a shy smile as he thanked James for respecting his boundaries, nodding slightly and looking away.

But Colin continued to speak. James turned back to Colin, surprise in his sapphire eyes. "I… of course," he responded shyly. "Anything for you," he murmured gently. He bit his lip, hesitating before taking a small step closer to Colin. James stood on tiptoe, keeping one hand in his pocket. With the other he took Colin's chin in hand and turned his head, allowing James to press a soft kiss to his cheek.

James pulled back and gave Colin a wry smile. "Is that what you wanted?" He inquired softly. James would gladly do more, but the last thing he wanted was to push too far. If Colin was struggling with this, James would do his best to make sure the playwright was comfortable.
 
James soon agreed to what Colin asked of him, and Colin sighed, relieved that his nerves of being rejected hadn’t been given a chance to settle in. He closed his eyes, holding his breath as James moved his hand to his chin because he anticipated a real kiss. Thus he was surprised when James instead turned his face to one side to softly kiss his cheek. It wasn’t what Colin expected, but it still caused butterflies to flutter in his stomach as he opened his eyes again and smiled down at James. It was most definitely enough to tide him over, and well within his comfort zone which he was pleased with, thinking it was better off that way. James had ticked all the boxes, and Colin was content. “That is what I wanted, thank you.” He responded quietly, keeping his hand on James’ arm. “I’ll see you later for coffee, alright, and we can talk properly. Thanks for everything.” Colin then quickly pulled James in for a hug, to say goodbye until later that afternoon. He was excited to finally move to some kind of next step with James, even if he never expected it to happen on that day or at his workplace. But he was nevertheless happy that his feelings seemed to be returned, as if everything he had ever wanted despite his fear, was beginning to fall into place.​
 

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