Insecurity

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli had not been without Reuben for a full semester since they'd become close. It was a strange and difficult realization but now Saveli was lonely, and her insecurities were rampant in her head. How was she supposed to trust Reuben when she'd never been able to trust a male figure and only recently started to believe Monty wouldn't abandon her. Reuben was too good for her, too kind, some girl at his new school wouldn't know about her - would sweep him off his feet. She felt her stomach twist up in knots and thought perhaps time on the town would soother her aching heart.

The blonde dressed herself in semi-casual clothing to make herself feel better. There was something about dressing in high waisted shorts that made her feel curvier. A belly-top to make her feel thin. Something to make Sav feel pretty when Reuben wasn't there assuring her she was. The blonde looked at the hole where a belly button ring had been before finally buttoning the shorts and heading downstairs. Perhaps she should have some tea first. Though she would be flooing it was still chilly where she'd have to go to do it, so she needed a warm up. Only a few steps from the kitchen a hollow sound rang and Saveli turned her head. Had Monty forgotten his keys, and his wand, and how to use floo or apparate? Without suspicion that it was anyone to do harm Saveli opened the door only for her face to fall quickly. "Gabe." She muttered, her tone wispy at the autumn wind blew back her golden locks.

 

[Gabriel Fletcher]

It hadn't been easy working up the courage to visit Saveli. For one thing, Gabriel wasn't even sure she'd be happy. He could hardly remember on what terms they'd parted, it seemed so long ago now, but he knew that he had behaved atrociously in her company, and he did not expect she had yet forgiven him for all the pain he'd inflicted upon her. But they'd been friends once, too, and Gabriel still fondly recalled those carefree days they'd played together as children, when nothing had been wrong with the world and the responsibilities of adulthood had been of small concern. Saveli remembered it, too. Gabriel knew she did. They were the brightest days of all - and for Gabriel, they still were. Of course, Saveli had a family now - or a dad, at least - but surely she could not have forgotten. Things could have been like that again, Gabriel thought. Perhaps the world wouldn't be perfect, but they could be friends, friends who didn't argue and belittle each other. Maybe.

Finally he knocked. Within seconds the door opened, and Gabriel flinched in shock. Saveli looked... different. A good kind of different. But then her face fell, leaving Gabriel to wonder whether they could ever be friends again after all. "Hey," he said, quietly. "I didn't want to turn up unannounced, but I wasn't sure you'd agree to see me if I wrote. Understandably, of course. Can... can I come in?"

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli's face was surely drained of color, her hands ice on the oaken door that stood open - the threshold clear if Gabriel was to come inside without her permission. Saveli had to use the frame to hold her up, stretching her arms as if to deny him entry until he spoke to her - which happened shortly. The conversation was quiet, everything around them seeming much louder than the two could ever be. Finally he asked to step within Monty's home, and Saveli paused to think. Monty might be horrified to see Gabriel but Saveli had questions that deserved to be answered.

"Of course. I was just making tea." Saveli moved stiffly away from the door toward the kitchen, her stomach twisting in knots. Gabriel had abandoned her - he'd left her with a bitter feeling of uselessness. Worthlessness. Every negative word stuck in her head on repeat had nearly caused her to lose out on Rueben. There was nothing he could say to make her forgive him. After brewing the tea in silence though, Saveli figured she owed it to listen to him. "Why are you back after you've left me for so long." She spoke with a bitter tone about her hollow voice. Her boisterous Irish accent was layered beneath betrayal, but still she delicately poured hot water over the loose leaves, waiting or then to steep properly.

 

[Gabriel Fletcher]

Gabriel was disappointed not to receive a warmer welcome, but not surprised. He deserved it. He deserved to be shouted at, to be told to leave immediately. Saveli was being generous.

Cautiously he stepped into the house, closing the door behind him and drifting into the kitchen doorway. He'd never much liked Monty's house, with its old fashioned furniture, eccentric decor, and musty smell, but he had to admit that his distaste stemmed mostly from jealousy. He was jealous. Saveli lived in an enormous old house with a man who, whilst perhaps a little odd, cared about her. She had it all. What did Gabriel have? A dad who couldn't have cared less about him, and a house that was barely fit for an animal.

Swallowing back his envy, Gabriel tore his gaze from the hall and watched Saveli brew the tea. The silence was strained, painful, until finally she broke it, her bitter words like slaps across the face. "It hurts every day I'm away from you," he said, without anger, or desperation. Just stating the truth. "I'd have come sooner, if it weren't for school. I graduated, Sav. I got an EE in Herbology. I... I'm going to make something of myself." Gabriel looked down, closing his eyes. "I miss you. I miss us. You're the only person who's ever believed in me. How could I not return to you?"

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli's dulled grey orbs watched Gabriel cautiously as he watched her. It was so odd to make eye contact with what felt like a ghost. The way he'd disappeared reminded her so much of her father - a piece of parchment that meant he never wanted to see her again. She felt a twist in her gut. When would Gabriel leave this time? Would someone else go with him - Roo had left. Sure he was at school but was he really going to come back to her and her curve-less body. Saveli crossed her arms in front of herself instinctively to protect the straight shape of her body from any eyes.

The way Gabriel continued to speak brought tears to the blonde's eyes but she refused to let them spill. Not yet. She crossed her arms tighter and looked away, swallowing her emotions thickly. Finally Saveli made a move. All in one motion the blonde moved and wrapped her hands around his waist. Even though she was no longer a little girl she was shorter than him, and the way she hugged him denoted a child. "I missed you too." She whispered through tears.

 

[Gabriel Fletcher]

Gabriel could not predict how Saveli was going to react; her body language gave little away, except that she was feeling uncomfortable. Then suddenly her arms were around him and their bodies were together and she was right here, with him, where he needed her to be. He couldn't stop it. He hugged her back, his cheek resting on the top of her head, the tears already falling from his eyes. He'd only ever cried in front of Saveli. She didn't judge him. Not like everybody else. So he allowed his shoulders to shake a little, his breath to catch in his throat. This is how much I missed you, he thought, hoping she might somehow hear it, or at least feel it through his arms. Somehow, he thought she would.

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli was many things. She was a Slytherin Alumni, she was smart and strong, she was wanted by her father, but she was not one thing. Saveli was not secure. In herself, her mind - in anything. She needed affirmation that she'd never done a thing wrong, and that at least one person was not going to leave her. Saveli couldn't press herself tightly enough against her friend. She couldn't take in the scent on his shirt enough, or the way his shoulders shook. "Please don't leave."She spoke weakly - pathetically. She couldn't elp but worry that like her father, like he had before, like Tommy - he'd abandon her.

 

[Gabriel Fletcher]

Gabriel shook his head as much as he could. "I won't," he said, his voice thick with tears. "I won't leave." He hugged her for some time longer before finally letting go to dry his eyes. He summoned a tissue for Saveli, since she didn't have absorbent sleeves, and offered it to her. "Some friend I am. I've only been here five minutes and already I've made you cry." He smiled, hoping she might return it. "You must have a lot to fill me in on. Where would you like to start?"

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli laughed slightly and accepted the tissues gratefully. "Thank you." She spoke shaking her head with a smile on her face that was equal parts sad and happy. "I never thought I'd see you again Gabriel. Everything you said stuck with me. I wondered what I did wrong for a long time." She spoke slowly, pacing herself so she wasn't sobbing. "I have a boyfriend now, things are okay but... Saveli hadn't had anyone to talk to like this in a while. Viviana was planning her wedding- she didn't need Saveli's emotions. And Monty was busy at school he didn't need them either. Gabe was the only person who was truly honest with her. "He's at Illvermorny. I worry he's going to find someone better suited while he's there. I've been busy with looking for a place of my own so that takes my mind off it - but with Viviana planning her wedding I've got no one to talk to. Monty doesn't understand girl things. and my best friend went away." Pathetically she looked up at Gabe. "You're the best friend." Saveli wiped weakly at her eyes. "What about you. You did so good in school. EEs? I'm proud Gabe. Even you did better without me." The tears came pouring this time, Saveli feeling like she was everyone's downfalls for a short period. This wasn't often or recurring, but seeing Gabriel brought up so many memories - what if he was doing well only because he'd left her behind?

 

[Gabriel Fletcher]

Saveli never thought she'd see Gabriel again? Did she not know how much he loved her? Of course he would come back. Wild horses couldn't have kept him from returning to her, not ever.

His heart fell slightly at the mention of a boyfriend, but he was not surprised. Saveli was a beautiful girl, inside and out. Somebody had swept her off her feet. It had been expected. Once she had finished, he said, "Well, first of all, your boyfriend would have to be a stark raving lunatic to think he could find anybody better than you. Secondly... you've always got me. Even when I'm not here, you can always write. You don't know how thrilled I'd be to hear from you." He sighed gently, wishing he could be of more support. How could he, when there was a boyfriend to think about? His intentions could quite easily have been misconstrued. Truth was, he'd been working hard of late, and though he had not rid himself of all his insecurities, he no longer wished to sabotage Saveli's happiness. Sure, he was jealous, but that didn't make him want to pull people down any more. He was happy for them. Sort of.

"No!" he said quickly, summoning Saveli a second tissue for the fresh wave of tears. "That's not true at all. You know why I did so well at Durmstrang, Sav? Because... because you inspired me to make a better person of myself. You showed me that not everyone in this world has a vendetta against me. That I can be forgiven. And... and I wanted to redeem myself. It was you. You're the one I should be thanking for this, all of it."

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli calmed down as Gabriel spoke, the familiar baritone comforting her as it always had - even when it wasn't quite a baritone. The blonde could sink back into old habits of sitting up all night next to Gabriel talking about a hypothetical future where they'd run away from their families and build a world of their own where no one could touch them. Saveli always thought she'd work for another countries ministry, but she knew that wasn't her dream anymore. Her dream included Reuben - but where would Gabriel fit in it. What would Reuben think? Suddenly Saveli was aware of their closeness, and she stepped back, looking at Gabriel. He'd gotten taller, or so it seemed, Saveli whom was not particularly short had to look up at him - or maybe it had always been that way. "You had that in you all along Gabriel." She spoke. "You always had that potential, I'm so proud of you for realizing it. I knew you'd be the more successful of us." She laughed, only half joking. Saveli was about to speak a bit more - ask Gabriel about his school, when she heard the front door open. "Monty's home, he's going to be so chuffed I'm sure."

Saveli moved from the kitchen and into the entryway. "Dad!" She spoke, sniffling still, her eyes swollen from crying moments before. "You will never believe who surprised me with a visit today!"

 

[Monty Pendleton]

The first thing Monty heard upon arriving back was Saveli's voice - not unusual in itself, except for that it was not he whom she addressed, but somebody else in the kitchen. He frowned, wondering who on earth it could be. Not Reuben - he would be at school. The professor hung up his coat just as Saveli appeared, her eyes slightly damp and puffy. Had she been crying? "Oh?" he said, frowning. Surely it couldn't have been...

Monty crossed the hall and went into the kitchen. Gabriel. Gabriel Fletcher was in his house. Had he waited until he knew Monty would be out? It seemed a typical thing for the boy to do - boy, because he could hardly be considered a man. Oh no, Monty had not forgotten the way Gabriel had treated his daughter, nor had he forgiven it. He straightened a little, his jaw tightening. "Well," he said. "I'm sorry to cut your little visit short, but I'd kindly like you to leave, please." He wasn't sure if Saveli's tears were that of happiness or sadness, and quite frankly, it made no difference: he did not want Gabriel in his house, and that was that.

 

[Gabriel Fletcher]

Did... did Saveli mean that? She'd really believed in him, all this time? Gabriel had always known his friend had faith in him, but to think that she'd known his potential all along was so touching that for a moment he didn't know what to say. He didn't have time to decide, however, before there was a sound in the hallway, and Saveli exclaimed that her dad was home. Chuffed probably wasn't the word Gabriel would have used to describe the way Professor Pendleton was going to feel when he saw him; and when Saveli left the room, he looked around nervously, as if hoping to see a door he could escape out of. No such luck.

Then Monty came in. Gabriel looked down, unable to meet the elder man's gaze, the tension between them palpable. Gabriel took full responsibility, of course. It was he who had messed up, he who had hurt Saveli. As her father, foster or otherwise, Monty had a right to loathe his guts. "Yes, sir," he mumbled politely, moving to walk around him and out of the kitchen. He'd see Saveli again. Monty couldn't stop them meeting.

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli was dense in the way of other's emotions. Sometimes insensitive the emotionally damaged blonde didn't realize how Monty would hold a grudge. After all Gabriel never hurt Monty - only she and why would Monty hold onto that. After all Saveli was just some kid. The blonde looked between the two. "What?" She asked, obviously upset by the notion that she'd just received Gabriel back into her life and now Monty was trying to throw him out. No. "Monty he just got here he just came back why does he have to leave?" Saveli asked, grabbing a hold of Gabriel's wrist to stop any further movement. The way Saveli looked at Monty, with tears in her eyes, it was suddenly very apparent on her face what was going on. The tears were similar to after he'd first told her she was leaving - after she'd finally revealed the things he'd said to her. Her fear of abandonment and want to be needed was written all over her pale features. She looked at Gabriel. "Don't go. You can tell Monty about your grades. He did really well in school!" Saveli spoke as if it would change Monty's mind. If Gabriel left now, she was convinced he'd never come back.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

When Gabriel agreed to leave, Monty's shoulders relaxed a little. The last thing he wanted to do was argue with that roach. But no sooner had Gabriel made for the door than Saveli grabbed onto his wrist, preventing him from walking away. Monty could not believe it. Was she entirely loose of sense? Yes, Gabriel had returned, and Monty expected this meant a great deal to his daughter, for whom abandonment was a sensitive subject; but Gabriel had treated her less than the dirt on his shoes. How could Monty forget the sound of Saveli sobbing over the awful things her friend had said to her? To recall it even now tore him up. Gabriel had called Saveli easy, trashy. She'd been relieved when he'd transferred away. So how could she possibly be glad to see him?

"Sav," Monty said firmly, finding his daughter's eyes. "Say goodbye, please." He dared not think what he might say or do if she continued to insist Gabriel stayed. His heart had already begun to pound, several years worth of unexpressed frustration coursing through his body. Little could make Monty truly angry - but a boy who had hurt Saveli needed only to breathe.

 

[Gabriel Fletcher]

No. Not a scene. Gabe glanced nervously at Saveli, gently trying to pull his arm away from her grip. "It's fine," he said, urgency creeping into his voice. He needed to leave. He'd never meant to be here when her dad got home. This was terrible enough without Saveli complicating things by refusing to let him go. "Sav, honestly. Don't worry about it." He couldn't even promise he'd see her again - not here, not with Monty in front of them. He only hoped Saveli knew he'd come back for her. He always would.

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

"Dad." Saveli responded, an uncomfortable desperation in her voice. Saveli looked at Gabriel whom pulled his hand from hers. There was suddenly a memory of Gabriel telling her goodbye at the school and keep in touch. Saveli had separated from herself, and the part of her that would miss Gabe was pushed to the far back of her mind - bringing fourth all the sour memories that she could manipulate to make her not miss him. Saveli had gas-lighted herself the minute Gabe walked through the door again. She convinced herself that she'd demonized him only to prevent missing him adn every second of pain felt from what he'd said disappeared. She looked at her friend. "If he leaves he might never come back. Why can't he stay?" She asked looking at Monty. She didn't understand. Couldn't he understand that she just wanted to know why he had left. If he was going to stay. Perhaps Monty could be proud of him too! Proud like Gabriel's father never was. Gabe deserved that didn't he? She felt as if he deserved love - like she'd received. But Monty stood there, almost appearing cold in the way he looked - at least to her.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Dad. Why did Saveli have to say it like that? Monty could hear the pain in her voice - feel it, even - and he knew that he was about to make things worse. In the long run, perhaps, his decision to disallow Gabriel in his house would be for the best, but Saveli would not see this; she would consider it unfair and harsh. She was too forgiving, that was the trouble. She saw the good in Gabriel where it was scarce to show itself - if it even existed at all. Monty wasn't inclined to believe the boy had any good in him at all. It would have mattered none if he had graduated from Oxford: he wanted Gabriel out of his house, now.

"I'll discuss that with you later," he said to Saveli. "Let him go, please. I don't want to ask again."

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli didn't want to whine. She was a woman now. She needed to make a case of that of an adult. She understood that this was Monty's house but Gabriel was not a danger to her, to him, or to the building he had owned forever. The blonde knew she could trust Gabriel - he'd never forced her to do anything, never taken her away from Monty. He would never do that. Saveli looked at the raven-haired boy then back to her salt and pepper haired father. "Why?" She asked, wanting an explanation - he owed her that didn't he? The way she spoke the one word wasn't an argument, it was a question, and honest question. "Why do you want him gone so badly?" Saveli wasn't done fighting for Gabe - she'd given up too easily before.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Saveli knew why. She knew why Monty wanted Gabriel gone. Didn't she? Monty could not believe that she was ignorant to his reasons, nor did he feel it necessary to refresh her. Besides, he could say nothing while Gabriel was stood there that would not bring Saveli humiliation. He could do little at all, actually, for it went against his principles to physically demand anybody to move, which left him with very few options from which to choose. And all the while, as he desperately attempted to decide how to respond, he grew more and more angry - not just with Saveli, or Gabriel, but with his ineptness as a parent. He ought to have been able to stand up for his daughter. He ought to have been able to protect her, to force Gabriel to leave. But he couldn't. In this moment, he was utterly useless to her, and this made him angriest of all.

Finally he snapped. "Just..." he started, but he couldn't find the words to finish. Turning around, he swooped out of the kitchen, grabbed his coat from the stand where he'd only moment ago left it, and left the house, slamming the door closed behind him. If Saveli would not let Gabriel leave, then there was nothing Monty could do. His entire body shook as he walked down the path, his stomach churning. He knew he ought to go back and force Gabriel to leave; but how could he? His daughter thought Gabriel was reformed. She thought she needed him. God, it made Monty spit. Well, he was going to find a way to keep Gabriel away from the house for good, whatever it took. But just then, he'd had to get away. The alternative might have been to hurt Saveli's feelings, and it was Saveli's feelings, ultimately, that he was trying to spare.

 

[Gabriel Fletcher]

Gabriel closed his eyes, willing Saveli to let him go, but afraid to pull away for fear that she would misinterpret the gesture as him wanting to leave. He didn't want to go, not really - he just didn't want to be here at the same time as Monty. Finally the old man stormed out, slamming the door so hard that Gabriel visibly flinched. The moment he was gone, Gabe turned to Saveli. "Sav, I need to go. This won't be the last time we see each other. It wouldn't be wise for me to come back here, now, but we can meet in private. I promise. I'll never leave you. Do you trust me?" He took her face gently in her hands, his eyes searching hers for faith. She'd believed in him when it came to grades. She just needed to believe in him about this, too.

Finally he dropped his hands and headed for the door. "I've got to go. I'll send you an owl, Saveli. I'll see you again. Nobody can stop me." And then he was gone, leaving Saveli in the house by herself.

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

Saveli watched Monty leave, and a tear spilled over her waterline. Then Gabe turned to her and the blonde looked to him for comfort. But he gave her none. He said he had to leave. Saveli shook her head over and over, but she couldn't stop him. She never was able to stop anyone from leaving her. The door shut and Saveli was alone. Every noise in the empty house was so loud and Sav covered her ears in a moment, sinking to the ground she curled into a ball similar to the one Tommy had found her in the night she got the letter. She wasn't under a blanket though and instead the pressure she felt on her was of the world caving in around her. Her breath was not steady, but ragged as she cried. She didn't want to be alone - anything but that. Saveli's forum shuddered but she didn't move, she didn't have the strength. Her breath came quickly and then slowly suddenly as if everything stopped and she was there in the loud silence - alone again.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty did not walk far - only far enough to walk off his anger. Then he turned around and started toward home, fairly confident Gabriel would have since left of his own accord. It was only as he reached the end of his road that the consequences of what he had done hit him; and when they did, they hit him like a ton of bricks. In the heat of the moment, walking away had seemed the lesser of several evils, but now he was not so sure. Wasn't Saveli's greatest fear that her loved ones would abandon her? And what had he done? Walked away. He'd walked away when she needed him most.

Monty jogged the last stretch home, shoving his key clumsily into the lock and heading for the kitchen without taking off his coat. Saveli was still there, alone, curled up with her cheek pressed against the hard floor. Monty lowered himself to sit beside her, his breath shallow with the exertion of rushing back. "I'm sorry," he said, softly. Saveli needed help with this, he realised. Help from somebody who knew how to help her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left. Sometimes I just... sometimes I just don't know what to do to help you. I think I know, and then I realise how dreadfully mistaken I am." He sighed and closed his eyes. Gabriel knew how much Saveli needed him. He was exploiting her vulnerability. Monty could see that. But could Sav?

 

[Saveli Pendleton]

After Saveli finally escaped the daze of being panicked she didn't move. No she stayed on the floor where she felt it was best to think about whatever came to mind. First she thought of how desperately the floor needed to be scrubbed. There were marks on it from shoes scuffing, or the chairs scooting. Saveli looked at the marks and made shapes as long as she could, while tears rolled down onto the floor beneath her. Then she thought of Monty. She remembered their first fight where she had run away. She didn't want to be abandoned so she'd abandoned the house he tried to bring her home to - just as she had with nearly every friend. Saveli didn't want to be left so it was easier to leave first. This time thought everyone was gone - and who knew if they were coming back. The blonde let these thoughts consumer her until the door opened, and while her eyes moved towards the entrance she herself didn't get up.

Monty's words fell onto her heavy heart. Saveli didn't move at all though, only her chest which sighed upwards then downwards with her breathing. Only one word even left her chapped lips. "Why?" it was the question she'd asked earlier. She wanted to know the answer. Perhaps now that Gabriel was gone he'd give her the answer.

 

[Monty Pendleton]

Monty exhaled gently, shifting to make himself slightly more comfortable where he sat. "I know I'm not your biological dad," he said; "but that isn't to say I don't feel everything a father feels when somebody mistreats his daughter. I take one look at him and I... I remember him reducing you to floods of tears. Am I supposed to just forget that? Am I supposed to forget those terrible things he said to you? The dreadful way he made you feel?" Monty shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't do that. And I know that you are an adult, now. But... I'm still your dad. I still care. And, unfortunately for you, I'll never be able to stop."